Torn, Stressed,

[LinkH]

We have been engaged since Thanksgiving 2011.

My parents want to play a part in an actual wedding and help plan it, etc. At least, that is what they have told us. That they are hurt by not being included in a wedding. But they declined our invitation to be present at the ceremony. So I am confused.

I, myself, do not care to have a huge "wedding". I have never been enthused over dresses, formality, etc.

Hmmm. Why are you giving them an invitation? Did you give them an actual invitation, printed up? Traditionally they give out the invitations to other people.

This is something they don't get to do a lot. If you are an only daughter, it's once in a life time for them. If you've planned it all out, apologize. If your boyfriend hasn't asked your father for your hand, he can go apologize. Then ask them if they can plan your wedding and just let them do it and spend their money and do it like they want to, within reason. You may think you want a small ceremony, but it sure is nice to share it with a lot of people when it actually happens. I got married overseas where everyone has to greet the bride and groom and family. I felt greatly honored. I always thought it looked like a drag shaking hands all night while other people enjoyed the food. I got a plate when the line died down. My new bride was afraid of messing up her makeup and we only took some left-over salad and cake for her dinner to the room at 11 PM.

Anyway, my point is, it was quite an honor to have all the congratulations from people, and I appreciated it a lot more than I thought. I even went to great pains to invite people from church when my stalker was not around. She showed up to the wedding, and at first, I thought, oh no, what's she going to do, but by the time she shook our hands and congratulated us, I was sincerely accepting her congratulations.

Let them pay. Let them plan. If it's a big wedding, it's on them. You can get involved for the dress and vows anything else you consider important. But if you don't care much for weddings, let them have a good time. As long as it doesn't violate your conscience and you get whatever things you want on your list, why not let them knock themselves out and have a good memory. If you want a small ceremony, you can be the voice of reason on cost issues, but let them enjoy marrying you off and maybe they'll bond with your husband in the process and appreciate him more.

If they suffer a little getting you two married, they will have more invested in you two being married.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

This is just my opinion but a wedding is for the bride and groom to decide on. I seen another topic where the couple did not want a wedding, just a pastor and two witnesses. But their family got mad at the idea.

Thing is its up to you two since its your wedding after all. To many people want to get involved in peoples weddings and tell them about what they think is best. Then when you tell them otherwise they think you are selfish for not having a wedding how they want, when in reality they are selfish to tell you how to have a wedding when its you wedding, not theirs. And of course moms always want the best weddings for their children. But they need to relax and let their child decide what they are comfortable with.

I am having my wedding in my brides hometown in the Philippines and already my family (outside of my parents) are having a fit because its not here. Even though I am having a reception here a year later when she comes here. I told my father that if my family cannot accept how we are doing the wedding then they can feel free to disown me because I don't play such silly games when it comes to me and my brides special time to marry. We only get to do this once.

Or as the bible says (more or less) a marriage is about the man and woman. Not the man, woman, friends and family. Actually I would tell the parents involved that if they want to be part of it, the best thing they can do is offer you both their blessings and accept however you two decide to do it.

Oh on a side note sometimes parents are what the wedding so difficult and stressful.

 

[Luther073082]

We have been engaged since Thanksgiving 2011.

My parents want to play a part in an actual wedding and help plan it, etc. At least, that is what they have told us. That they are hurt by not being included in a wedding. But they declined our invitation to be present at the ceremony. So I am confused.

I, myself, do not care to have a huge "wedding". I have never been enthused over dresses, formality, etc.

I would be careful about having parents be too involved with wedding planning. We had mixed results with that. My in-laws where generally helpful...

None of our parents had a problem with our getting married, however my mom couldn't get past the idea that this was our wedding and our ideas of how we wanted to do things, no matter how minor where pretty much always wrong.

She also had a tendency to run off and get things for the wedding that she never even talked to us about.

Annoyed me because it felt like our entire year long engagement was one big giant year long fight with my mother over every single last detail of my own wedding. And because of my mother's Passive Aggressive tendencies, anytime I categorically said no to something it was either because I was stupid and had no idea what I was doing or more often it was because I didn't love her.

My dad was cool about it though and generally had the attitude of "just tell me where you want me to be and what you want me to do."

I would be even more careful since your parents don't even seem to want to attend the wedding. It makes me curious as to their motivations, why would a parent want to help plan a wedding that they have no interest in attending.

 

[Sarah2BH]

I honestly think that this whole "postpone for us and we'll give you a wedding because we really want to be more involved than this" thing is just a trick to buy more time to convince me not to marry him.

I was extremely depressed all day today because today I was supposed to start my new full-time job. I was supposed to be married. And I turned it all down for them. It doesn't feel good.

 

[CounselorForChrist]

I honestly think that this whole "postpone for us and we'll give you a wedding because we really want to be more involved than this" thing is just a trick to buy more time to convince me not to marry him.

Thats a VERY good point. People will use stall tactics when all else fails them.

 

[Sarah2BH]

My fiance and I just broke up. It's tough for us both but we leave all in God's hands.

 

[Inkachu]

From everything I've read in this thread, it's for the best. There was way too much drama and too many burdens on your shoulders for this to have worked out well. You're a young girl, try just being young for a while. Marriage can wait.

 

[Rora47]

Unfortunately, it is easier to tell someone not to and say 'I told you so', than to encourage someone to take a risk and lose your reputation.

 

[Sarah2BH]

I would like to update everyone on my situation:

Late February 23rd, 2014 (or possibly early the 24th, but sometime during the night), my fiance and love, Brandon Harvey, was taken to be with the Lord.

Please pray for his mother, as he was her only child. And of course, for me, as I deal with the waves of frustration, emotion, anger, and other forms of grieve that wash over me as I struggle to keep pushing forward.

I am blessed to have gotten to see him several times during the last month and a half of his life. My car broke down on the other side of the state by him and I spent several days with him and his mom. Then again when I went to pick it up, which allowed us time on his 27th birthday, Feb 10th. I also saw him the day before he died where he gave me back the engagement ring I had bought him and told me he looked forward to the day that I got things figured out with my parents and proposed to him once more. He sang the song "growing old with you" as I cried in his arms. I was also on the phone with him that Sunday when he stated how tired he was and wanted me to stay on the phone with him until he fell asleep, which I did. And now he's gone. Just like that.

 

[Sarah2BH]

I realize that I had not updated this thread since we broke up last April. We did not remain separated for long... maybe a month. My parents were not enough to keep us apart. We decided we would get married as soon as finances were in order. He got an amazing job last January as an IT Tech, and last month he got a 40% raise with a promise of another 15% upon completing his certification and 3% annually after that. He was to get his first big check the Friday after he died. He was so happy and could finally see our future together coming true. I just don't understand why this had to happen.

 

[Inkachu]

For what it's worth, I know what it's like to lose someone you love dearly, way too early in life. I'm sure many others here also know what you're going through. There are no magic words to make it better, just know that you're not alone, and you WILL get through this.

 

[ValleyGal]

I also lost a boyfriend (2001). Our families were friends growing up, as adults he went away and we lost touch for a decade, but then he came back. Eventually we got together. He died from brain cancer. I felt like my whole world ended, like I did not know who I was anymore without him, like my spirit had been ripped in two. I was in such emotional agony that I wanted to go out of my mind so I would not have to experience the pain.

So I know there is nothing that can take your pain away or make anything better. There's nothing anyone can do. I'm so sorry for such a tragic loss.....be very kind and gentle with yourself.

 

[Inkachu]

VG is right. You just have to let the grieving happen. Cry if you need to cry. Shout if you need to be angry (just not at another person!). Be alone if you need to be alone. Pour it all out to God, even the ugly, angry stuff; He can handle it. Make sure you keep memories of him, photos, letters, emails. These things will be precious to you in years to come. I do encourage you to keep a good support group around you, family, friends, church members, anyone who loves you and is a positive, uplifting person. While some alone time will be necessary, you don't want to withdraw so much that you become seriously depressed.

 

[Sarah2BH]

Thank you, everyone. I'm doing pretty well.

 

[Sarah2BH]

Update... I have been happily married for 4 months to a man who quickly became a huge part of my life after my fiance's death. Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers.