This is where it gets real

[Million Pieces]

The last week of March is my kids' spring break from school. DH is going to take off the week with some holiday time, and take them down to his parents' place for the week. I have a three day weekend from work on the 27-29th, to go down and meet them for the final three days.

But here it goes sideways. On March 28, newsboys are playing a concert in Abbotsford, BC., with the addition of the lead guitarist that left about 5 years ago returning to the band. It's one long day's drive for me and a friend whose hometown that is. Her parents still live there, so there's a built in place to stay. I could even probably get a flight with Airmiles (frequent flyer miles type of thing). It's perfect in every way.

But no, I have to pass it up, in favour of spending that time with my family. I know, it's family, this should be a no-brainer. But right now, it's a pretty poor substitute for a concert like that one, and the chance to see the 'boys again. But this is one of those make-or-break things. How committed am I to repairing my marriage, and putting this family first above EVERYthing?

This is the first long-weekend we have been able to plan together for our family in a long time. Plus, I've known for a while that I've needed to make this family my priority, to choose them over my fantasies. I've asked him to give up some close and beneficial friendships, even the ones he wasn't physical with, and choose me and our family. I can't expect not to have to do the same. Yes, it's unbalanced, he carries a LOT more of the guilt here, but it's not one-sided. I am an equal partner in this too, I have to be expected to show effort on my part too. More than anything, he's just asking me to demonstrate how I'm choosing HIM over all others too.

Yes, I do have my own identity, yes, I do deserve time for myself. And maybe the next time it won't be such an issue, but this is the first time this has come up. It's the first chance I've had to really prove where MY commitment is. I know what my choice has to be, it just never occurred to me before how real it would end up being. I never thought it would LITERALLY come down to choosing one over the other. It's not about the distance either, if they had a show right here in my own back yard, I'd have to choose the same thing. I do have to give it up sometime. I just didn't think it was going to be this soon, and this way.

Am I making the right choice? Or is there any reason to think I can still show my commitment to the family and still go to the concert? Please, someone say something profound to help make myself content with what I know has to be.

 

[Easyk]

end of the day you need to make a choice... do i want to risk being on my own even when i am old..do i want to thro all that away or repair and rebuild and have a better time for the future... where things are better with each passing day..?

 

[snoochface]

I think the fact that you are struggling so much with wanting both -- despite, at your own admission, knowing what the right choice is -- that this is a big test for you and could be a turning point. God does not lead us into temptation, but I think he does give us tests from time to time. And no matter what choice we make, we learn from it. If we choose poorly, we learn to rely on God more and make better choices next time. If we choose wisely, we see how much God will bless us.

God works all things, good and bad, for our good and his glory. No matter what you choose, that will be the result. I think the only difference is how easy or difficult the path will be to that end.

Think about everything Jesus was offered during his temptation, and how much he turned down. I don't think that story would be in the Bible if not for us to learn from it during our own temptations.

There's nothing profound here. You already know the right choice.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

The last week of March is my kids' spring break from school. DH is going to take off the week with some holiday time, and take them down to his parents' place for the week. I have a three day weekend from work on the 27-29th, to go down and meet them for the final three days.

But here it goes sideways. On March 28, newsboys are playing a concert in Abbotsford, BC., with the addition of the lead guitarist that left about 5 years ago returning to the band. It's one long day's drive for me and a friend whose hometown that is. Her parents still live there, so there's a built in place to stay. I could even probably get a flight with Airmiles (frequent flyer miles type of thing). It's perfect in every way.

But no, I have to pass it up, in favour of spending that time with my family. I know, it's family, this should be a no-brainer. But right now, it's a pretty poor substitute for a concert like that one, and the chance to see the 'boys again. But this is one of those make-or-break things. How committed am I to repairing my marriage, and putting this family first above EVERYthing?

This is the first long-weekend we have been able to plan together for our family in a long time. Plus, I've known for a while that I've needed to make this family my priority, to choose them over my fantasies. I've asked him to give up some close and beneficial friendships, even the ones he wasn't physical with, and choose me and our family. I can't expect not to have to do the same. Yes, it's unbalanced, he carries a LOT more of the guilt here, but it's not one-sided. I am an equal partner in this too, I have to be expected to show effort on my part too. More than anything, he's just asking me to demonstrate how I'm choosing HIM over all others too.

Yes, I do have my own identity, yes, I do deserve time for myself. And maybe the next time it won't be such an issue, but this is the first time this has come up. It's the first chance I've had to really prove where MY commitment is. I know what my choice has to be, it just never occurred to me before how real it would end up being. I never thought it would LITERALLY come down to choosing one over the other. It's not about the distance either, if they had a show right here in my own back yard, I'd have to choose the same thing. I do have to give it up sometime. I just didn't think it was going to be this soon, and this way.

Am I making the right choice? Or is there any reason to think I can still show my commitment to the family and still go to the concert? Please, someone say something profound to help make myself content with what I know has to be.

Sigh, I think I hear you. It reminds me of when I ask my husband to make sacrifices for me, and he's torn because he wants to show he loves me, but being with me is boring compared to the perceived fun because he sees me everyday kind of thing.

Anyways, here it is...... What lasting thing are you going to take from seeing the newsboys back together again? A night of fun... well, maybe that is if you can ignore the nagging conviction that you should be with your family again. But when it's all over (the concert) it's done... plus is it really that big of deal after all? i mean you could buy the video or the new cd with all them in it then you can enjoy them while you're at home or driving along as long as you want, relating their songs to the work towards your marriage.

You could also think about this being a temptation and/or a test. It seems that whenever things really start looking on the up and up something very distracting gets thrown in.

I know you might deal with dissapointent and doubt about whether you did the right thing or not if you didn't go to the concert... but that may be because you are seeing an open door to go the concert and could easily mistake it for being God, remember that the devil works in mysterious ways to and really think... what would Jesus do?

Chances are when you go to be with your family with doing God's will as your focus, this could be a real break through for you, and I suggest you trust God to make that happen!

I hope this helps! God Bless,

for you

HB

 

[BigNorsk]

Well here's the thing. Your standard by which you are judging your commitment and his commitment is probably a bit off. But it is for now what you have chosen. We already know the answer as far as your commitment. You don't have it. You expect him to have it and you expect him to do a bunch of things to "prove" it, but you clearly don't yourself have it.

He probably doesn't really have it either. Just he's doing what he can to try and repair a rocky marriage. You've said "If you love me you will do this and this and this" and he gone "Okay."

It's all rather artificial, and you've probably been rather a bully about the whole thing but he's been a good sport about it and tried to get along with a difficult person.

A person who now is starting to see that living under law isn't all wine and roses. Who now is wondering herself if she can actually give up a rock concert or something important like washing her hair, for her marriage.

Instead of playing games and coming up with rules, it would be nice if instead you were committed to your marriage. Until you are committed, I guess the laws can serve a somewhat useful purpose. But they will always be a poor substitute. And life under them is harsh and unfulfilling. And normally people will end up either hardening themselves or running away. But maybe they can help you transition to true commitment if you see from them how you now don't have it. I pray that the day will come when you do.

 

[Christ+a]

do what you know is right.

dying to self is not easy for anyone of us. the GOOD NEWS is though that it doesn't simply end with death to self.

the grain of wheat falls into the ground and dies and then BEARS FRUIT, NEW LIFE.
Jesus Himself died the death on the cross so that humanity have the gift of SALVATION.
only AFTER death can there be RESURRECTION LIFE.
for the JOY SET BEFORE HIM, Jesus endured the shame and the cross.
(translated into your situation: for the prospect of a restored marriage, she endured the pain of not going to the concert...)

do what you know is right. and you can always ask the Father to help you be willing to do it. you can also tell the part of you that pulls you away from what is right to shut up, and determine to do right no matter what or who! (and who is to say what other opportunity you may have to see and hear the band later...)

let us know how you decided in the end.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Well here's the thing. Your standard by which you are judging your commitment and his commitment is probably a bit off. But it is for now what you have chosen. We already know the answer as far as your commitment. You don't have it. You expect him to have it and you expect him to do a bunch of things to "prove" it, but you clearly don't yourself have it.

He probably doesn't really have it either. Just he's doing what he can to try and repair a rocky marriage. You've said "If you love me you will do this and this and this" and he gone "Okay."

It's all rather artificial, and you've probably been rather a bully about the whole thing but he's been a good sport about it and tried to get along with a difficult person.

A person who now is starting to see that living under law isn't all wine and roses. Who now is wondering herself if she can actually give up a rock concert or something important like washing her hair, for her marriage.

Instead of playing games and coming up with rules, it would be nice if instead you were committed to your marriage. Until you are committed, I guess the laws can serve a somewhat useful purpose. But they will always be a poor substitute. And life under them is harsh and unfulfilling. And normally people will end up either hardening themselves or running away. But maybe they can help you transition to true commitment if you see from them how you now don't have it. I pray that the day will come when you do.

wow, sounds like bigsnork is talking from experience

 

[Million Pieces]

I wonder if BigNorsk realizes that what DH gave up was 8, count 'em EIGHT, extra-marital affairs? I wonder if BigNorsk knows from experience what it's like to try to rebuild a marriage built on trust after a betrayal of that magnitude? I wonder if BigNorsk has ever felt the devastation after a confession like that? Does he have insight into the mental purgatory I've been living for the past year or more?

I wonder if BigNorsk realizes that I never demanded he give them up. I wonder if he realizes that DH chose to give them up all on his own accord, after finally placing himself under the Lordship of Christ? I wonder if he realizes that I am choosing to give up an emotional affair of my own? I wonder if he knows from experience what it feels like to realize that he doesn't feel love for his own children? I wonder what BigNorsk's definition of "commitment to marriage" looks like.


What I truly wonder is if BigNosrk realizes how profoundly offended I am at being called a "difficult person" after the year of hell I've been put through? With all due respect to my elders, BigNorsk can take that high and pious advice and stuff it where the sun don't shine. I can't even begin to describe how disgusted I am at his "attitude".

 

[Teufelhund]

I wonder if BigNorsk realizes that what DH gave up was 8, count 'em EIGHT, extra-marital affairs? I wonder if BigNorsk knows from experience what it's like to try to rebuild a marriage built on trust after a betrayal of that magnitude? I wonder if BigNorsk has ever felt the devastation after a confession like that?

I wonder if BigNorsk realizes that I never demanded he give them up. I wonder if he realizes that DH gave them up all on his own accord, after finally placing himself under the Lordship of Christ? I wonder if he realizes that I am choosing to give up an emotional affair of my own? I wonder if he knows from experience what it feels like to realize that he doesn't feel love for his own children?


What I truly wonder is if BigNosrk realizes how deeply offended I am at being called a "difficult person" after the year I've had? I wonder what BigNorsk's definition of "commitment to marriage" looks like.

I'm sure that he didn't intend it that way. I'm fairly sure that he just wanted to show the perils of using artificial and arbitrary rules to judge affections.
In response to the actual OP, I think that it is plain that you should spend time with your family in this case, just because it is this time together that strengthens those bonds of trust. I cannot say that I have that much experience, but it is impossible to build trust without being around the other person, that much I know. I am truly sorry for what happened to you, but a two days away from your family for one concert seems a bit much to me and I'm pretty music-obsessed so I would just stay home.

 

[porterross]

Being together and united on a family holiday for the sake of your kids is rather important, too. Knowing that you really have no choice but to honor the commitment to your family is a bit disappointing, I'm sure, but you already know what you should do.

Enjoy all the time you can with your family. You never know when your chances to do so will cease.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I must be the only person who would go to the concert. Take some of the family with you if you want, don't if you don't. Your family is probably not going anywhere. Life is too short to do what you don't want to do. Especially at times when you would really much rather be doing something else somewhere else with someone else.

 

[Million Pieces]

Aaaaaand now that I've completely over reacted and vented my spleen, I want to direct some replies to everyone. Thanks for gentle words of understanding. Snooch, I swear, if you don't get OUT of my head... Yes, I do know what my choice is. Not what it's "going to be", I have already made it. I am choosing to invest that time with my family, because like EasyK alluded to, my decision will impact my future, for good or for ill. It is definitely tough to swallow pride, and to admit that I'm not untouched by guilt in this. I have brought this on myself, and now it's time to pay up.

Now, having said that, I need to address something else. I see that I was much less than clear in my OP about the actual nature of this decision. First, I need more than anything else to beg forgiveness of my husband, who I have very cruelly accused and flayed out in my last post. The facts remain, but I was incredibly insensitive about his feelings the way I shot it out. Baby, I'm so very sorry. Please forgive me?

Next, I need to make clear something else. My interest in the newsboys goes beyond just wanting to see an entertaining concert by a favourite band. I have had a very inappropriate and very dishonourable obsession with their singer, Peter. I invented for myself affection in fantasies that became an emotional affair with someone I know essentially only in pictures. It began only after I started to sense my husband retreating from me and our marriage and into his affairs. Fantasy has been a coping mechanism I have nurtured since I was a child, as a means of insulating myself from grave abuses that I have suffered at the hands of others since I was young, long before I knew my husband. For a very long time it has been a barrier between myself and God, and now my husband. My relationship with my family has suffered hugely because of my actions. I am as much to fault for the state of my marriage as my dear husband.

Norsk, I apologize for the harshness of my reply to you. I got very defensive, and reacted too fast, and without thinking properly. I understand that you simply didn't know all the intimate facts, and you replied based only on what I represented in the OP. I wish I could just erase that horrible post, but what's done is done, and it can stand to show the truth of how I act when I'm stung. Pretty shameful if you ask me.

 

[Robinsegg]

Here's a question: Have you talked with your husband about this? Have you let him know that you've learned this is going on, and it's something you'd normally jump at the chance of?

Could you possibly go with them early on in the week, then leave for your "time on your own" for later? Some kind of compromise like this *could possibly* help both of you feel like you've gotten what you needed.

Pray about it, and ask God to help you set aside your own desires and let Him fill you with the desires that will please Him. You can't go wrong following God

Rachel

 

[DZoolander]

lol - well I kinda stayed out of this post before now because it eerily reminded me of a situation I saw a while back. The most recent post from you even made it more similar (albeit to a much lesser degree than the other one).

I knew a girl that had a fascination with the band Poison (granted a bit different than the Newsboys or Newsmen or whoever that is...lol - I gather they're a Christian rock band). The difference is that she used to actually *know* the guys back in their hayday of glam hair rock glory. She kinda followed them around like a groupie - and was involved with one of the band members.

They apparently hadn't seen each other for quite some time - and she had cultivated a boyfriend during the past 10 years or so since. One day about a year or two ago I guess Poison got back together and decided to tour their middle-aged selves around. She was all happy and frentic when she found out that they were coming to her town - and gave the same sort of "get a chance to see the boys" line you said (lol - which I guess is what reminded me most).

I remember telling her I thought it might not be the best idea - all things considered...but she went anyhow...and ended up pursuing a "newfound" relationship with the graying hairband dude...and dumping the boyfriend of like 6-7 years.

Ehhh - I thought that was a bad decision.

Now - your case is nowhere near that - because you don't actually *know* the guy...but...all things considered...I agree that your focus ought to be your family and not seeing some band where you've cultivated some fantasy about some guy who you really don't know - and fantasy is all that it's sustained on. Ya know?

 

[Million Pieces]

Robin, yes, I have talked it over with him, we talked about it within the hour of my finding out about the show. The way the week goes, they are going down to the in-laws' for the early part of the week while the kids are out of school, I'll be still working through the week, until my last shift late Thursday night. I'll drive down sometime Friday to meet them and spend the next 3 days with the in-laws and everyone there, and we'll all travel home together on Sunday.

The concert is on Saturday, my friend and I would have driven for about 13 hours all day Friday, had the show the next day, and driven 13 hours back again Sunday. I would not see my family all that week, or the weekend.


EZ, I actually have met him, once or twice, and spoken to him, but in now way do I "know" him personally. I guess you could call me a groupie too, any time I see them I try to do it in such a way as to get backstage at some point, or at an autograph signing.

Hubby's been reading here, and I think at one point he was going to post some thoughts here, or defend me or something. I think by this point the issue has passed, unless he feels the need to clarify anything I left out.

 

[buddy_holly]

The last week of March is my kids' spring break from school. DH is going to take off the week with some holiday time, and take them down to his parents' place for the week. I have a three day weekend from work on the 27-29th, to go down and meet them for the final three days.

But here it goes sideways. On March 28, newsboys are playing a concert in Abbotsford, BC., with the addition of the lead guitarist that left about 5 years ago returning to the band. It's one long day's drive for me and a friend whose hometown that is. Her parents still live there, so there's a built in place to stay. I could even probably get a flight with Airmiles (frequent flyer miles type of thing). It's perfect in every way.

But no, I have to pass it up, in favour of spending that time with my family. I know, it's family, this should be a no-brainer. But right now, it's a pretty poor substitute for a concert like that one, and the chance to see the 'boys again. But this is one of those make-or-break things. How committed am I to repairing my marriage, and putting this family first above EVERYthing?

This is the first long-weekend we have been able to plan together for our family in a long time. Plus, I've known for a while that I've needed to make this family my priority, to choose them over my fantasies. I've asked him to give up some close and beneficial friendships, even the ones he wasn't physical with, and choose me and our family. I can't expect not to have to do the same. Yes, it's unbalanced, he carries a LOT more of the guilt here, but it's not one-sided. I am an equal partner in this too, I have to be expected to show effort on my part too. More than anything, he's just asking me to demonstrate how I'm choosing HIM over all others too.

Yes, I do have my own identity, yes, I do deserve time for myself. And maybe the next time it won't be such an issue, but this is the first time this has come up. It's the first chance I've had to really prove where MY commitment is. I know what my choice has to be, it just never occurred to me before how real it would end up being. I never thought it would LITERALLY come down to choosing one over the other. It's not about the distance either, if they had a show right here in my own back yard, I'd have to choose the same thing. I do have to give it up sometime. I just didn't think it was going to be this soon, and this way.

Am I making the right choice? Or is there any reason to think I can still show my commitment to the family and still go to the concert? Please, someone say something profound to help make myself content with what I know has to be.

It's very simple. You have to go forward with your plans. You have already committed your time and effort to planning, not to mention there would be a few very dissapointed people if you went off to see a music performance instead. Responsibility trumps personal desires. ALWAYS.

Is this really that tough of a decision?

Even better, if you had the opportunity, what would the band members say if you asked them? Somehow I doubt they would let you skip out on your family to see a a show.

I have an idea. Get a DVD of theirs, or if you have one, watch it. There's your concert.

Now take care of your responsibilities.

 

[myanchor]

GREAT CHOICE. Family first, always. Actually spouse first, always! You made the choice to honor your husband. He will always remember that. I've read some of his biographical stuff and it sounds like he is working his butt off to build trust for you again. Are you guys going to counseling too?