There's this girl...but I don't know if I can pursue

[Luis Z]

Hi everyone, blessings! I happen to have a big crush. It all started somewhat recent. An event like this is usually something to be a happy about. Unfortunately, I'm very conflicted, and don't know what to do. So I would like to seek council here if possible, to see what you all think. First things first, I'm male, 28 years old. I practically grew up in church, and never left, always been here trying to stay as faithful to God as possible. I recently moved to a new church, which is just an amazing place. I moved because God actually gave me word to move from my old church. I prayed for Him to guide me to a new place, and He definitely did. I'm happy and blessed where I am now. And it was here in this new place that I met a girl. At first it was just like any other regular "nice to meet you" kind of thing. Because I have been given the privilege to serve in the music ministry for another location that my new church recently opened, focused on college students, I'm usually not around in the main church. However, once a given semester ends, I go back to attending the main church. This summer, as I went back there, I began to reconnect with all the young adults that I hadn't seen in a while. I got to spend more time with them, share with them in fellowship, so it's been pretty great. During this time, I got to also reconnect with this girl that I had previously met. I'm not entirely sure how it all happened, it felt very natural and organic on how we connected. I came to know that many of her struggles were very similar to mine in a way. She's been through so much, but God has sustained and guided her through it all. I began to see how amazing she was. How love literally poured out of her, and how God uses her in such amazing ways. She has this big heart, such kindness and sweetness. Before I knew it, I was totally and utterly attracted to her. She's beautiful. So you might think, this is great, I don't see any problem at all. Of course, here's the big but. Sigh...shes only 18, going to 19. So I, of course, start to ask myself the obvious question: What in the world am I thinking?? The gap is pretty substantial. Almost 10 years!! I'll be honest, I'm very very conflicted. On one side, I want to pursue her. I feel like we match up very well, and it's something that I wasn't even looking for, it was almost as if it was brought to me. Yes, definitely not what I originally expected or wanted. I wanted somebody older, closer to my age. On the other hand, there's the ethics. Is it ethical for me to pursue her? would we be accepted by my church? I know for a fact that my family will go ballistic if they were to find out I'm dating an 18 year old. Even when I say it, sounds ridiculous...is this something that I'm just gonna have to forget about and put it behind me? ...could I be making the mistake of a life time by letting her go?...what does this say about me, liking someone so young?...
So you see my brothers and sisters, this is my predicament, and it's literally keeping me up at night. Someone, please help, shed some light on this complicated mess Or at least pray for me, for guidance, for me to be able to make the right decision here.

 

[quatona]

Hi everyone, blessings! I happen to have a big crush. It all started somewhat recent. An event like this is usually something to be a happy about. Unfortunately, I'm very conflicted, and don't know what to do. So I would like to seek council here if possible, to see what you all think. First things first, I'm male, 28 years old. I practically grew up in church, and never left, always been here trying to stay as faithful to God as possible. I recently moved to a new church, which is just an amazing place. I moved because God actually gave me word to move from my old church. I prayed for Him to guide me to a new place, and He definitely did. I'm happy and blessed where I am now. And it was here in this new place that I met a girl. At first it was just like any other regular "nice to meet you" kind of thing. Because I have been given the privilege to serve in the music ministry for another location that my new church recently opened, focused on college students, I'm usually not around in the main church. However, once a given semester ends, I go back to attending the main church. This summer, as I went back there, I began to reconnect with all the young adults that I hadn't seen in a while. I got to spend more time with them, share with them in fellowship, so it's been pretty great. During this time, I got to also reconnect with this girl that I had previously met. I'm not entirely sure how it all happened, it felt very natural and organic on how we connected. I came to know that many of her struggles were very similar to mine in a way. She's been through so much, but God has sustained and guided her through it all. I began to see how amazing she was. How love literally poured out of her, and how God uses her in such amazing ways. She has this big heart, such kindness and sweetness. Before I knew it, I was totally and utterly attracted to her. She's beautiful. So you might think, this is great, I don't see any problem at all. Of course, here's the big but. Sigh...shes only 18, going to 19. So I, of course, start to ask myself the obvious question: What in the world am I thinking?? The gap is pretty substantial. Almost 10 years!! I'll be honest, I'm very very conflicted. On one side, I want to pursue her. I feel like we match up very well, and it's something that I wasn't even looking for, it was almost as if it was brought to me. Yes, definitely not what I originally expected or wanted. I wanted somebody older, closer to my age. On the other hand, there's the ethics. Is it ethical for me to pursue her? would we be accepted by my church? I know for a fact that my family will go ballistic if they were to find out I'm dating an 18 year old. Even when I say it, sounds ridiculous...is this something that I'm just gonna have to forget about and put it behind me? ...could I be making the mistake of a life time by letting her go?...what does this say about me, liking someone so young?...
So you see my brothers and sisters, this is my predicament, and it's literally keeping me up at night. Someone, please help, shed some light on this complicated mess Or at least pray for me, for guidance, for me to be able to make the right decision here.

To be honest, I still don´t see the problem.

If you want your family to make your life decisions for you, you should abstain from dating her (because as you say they would be against it).
If you want your church to make these decisions for you, you should ask your pastor.

Could it be that you are simply afraid to be rejected by her? (I am asking because everybody´s opinion seems to count, but you don´t even mention that she obviously will have a say in it )

 

[Luis Z]

To be honest, I still don´t see the problem.

If you want your family to make your life decisions for you, you should abstain from dating her (because as you say they would be against it).
If you want your church to make these decisions for you, you should ask your pastor.

Could it be that you are simply afraid to be rejected by her? (I am asking because everybody´s opinion seems to count, but you don´t even mention that she obviously will have a say in it )

Thank you Quatona for your response No, I definitely don't want my family to make my life decisions for me. As for the church, I don't want them to do that either, but it is important for me to know what they think and what advice they may have for me. So yeah, I will talk to my Pastor and youth leader, I just wanted some input before hand. And no, I'm not afraid to be rejected by her. I've been rejected before so it's a possibility that I know I may have to face. Haha, yes, you do have a point, her say it's obviously the most important here. I believe that she likes me back though, I've seen several signs from her, and also the way that we communicate. You can often tell if that person is interested in you or not. I guess you're right, I'm probably making a big deal of things.

 

[quatona]

Thank you Quatona for your response No, I definitely don't want my family to make my life decisions for me. As for the church, I don't want them to do that either, but it is important for me to know what they think and what advice they may have for me. So yeah, I will talk to my Pastor and youth leader, I just wanted some input before hand. And no, I'm not afraid to be rejected by her. I've been rejected before so it's a possibility that I know I may have to face. Haha, yes, you do have a point, her say it's obviously the most important here. I believe that she likes me back though, I've seen several signs from her, and also the way that we communicate. You can often tell if that person is interested in you or not. I guess you're right, I'm probably making a big deal of things.

Having a crush is a beautiful and exciting state to be in, isn´t it? I guess I just wish for you to be able to enjoy it fully.

 

[timewerx]

I know for a fact that my family will go ballistic if they were to find out I'm dating an 18 year old. Even when I say it, sounds ridiculous...is this something that I'm just gonna have to forget about and put it behind me?

An 18 year old would probably be going to college, thus need to focus on studies and then start a career....

It's a very unstable point in life where big mistakes are about to be made....

So what she needs more is a friend than a BF. But if it can't be helped and you become her BF, you'll have to support her 100% on her studies and then with her career later on. You shouldn't pose as a hindrance to her studies and her career, nor affect her decisions unless it's a bad one. Let her build her life first.

 

[Luis Z]

Having a crush is a beautiful and exciting state to be in, isn´t it? I guess I just wish for you to be able to enjoy it fully.

Yes, it really is It's been a while for me, so I almost forgot what it felt like. Thank you, I will try my best to enjoy it to the max!

 

[timewerx]

Having a crush is a beautiful and exciting state to be in, isn´t it? I guess I just wish for you to be able to enjoy it fully.

I'm not sure it's a good idea.

An 18 year old has just begun to carve her fate in our world. I think her life and her future matters as much as ours and we should respect that and try to not to affect it.

 

[Luis Z]

An 18 year old would probably be going to college, thus need to focus on studies and then start a career....

It's a very unstable point in life where big mistakes are about to be made....

So what she needs more is a friend than a BF. But if it can't be helped and you become her BF, you'll have to support her 100% on her studies and then with her career later on. You shouldn't pose as a hindrance to her studies and her career, nor affect her decisions unless it's a bad one. Let her build her life first.

Hi timewerx, I understand what you mean. Believe me, I am aware of all that, reason why I've been conflicted. At this point in time, she's not going off to college just yet. She's entering the work force full time, and taking about a year off from school. She will however go back to school, probably by the time shes 20. I am ready to support her 100% in anything she may want to do with her life. No, I definitely don't want to be a hindrance to her in any way. So even if we were to start dating, I would push her to make all those decisions herself, for her to keep her individuality and be her own person. I would be there for support and advice. So yes, she's free to make her own life as how she wants.

 

[quatona]

I'm not sure it's a good idea.

I´m not sure it´s a good idea, either.
These things aren´t really calculable - that´s why they are so beautiful and make you feel so alive.

An 18 year old has just begun to carve her fate in our world. I think her life and her future matters as much as ours

Most definitely.

and we should respect that

I totally agree here, too.
I didn´t mean to advocate lack of respect or disregarding her self determination.

and try to not to affect it.

We are affecting each other all the time, inevitably. So for me the question would be: What is a good way of affecting other people´s life?

 

[timewerx]

These things aren´t really calculable - that´s why they are so beautiful and make you feel so alive.

Risking someone else's future just to find beauty isn't wise nor mature advice to give.

These things can be carefully considered and planned for if you take the time to think it over instead of doing rash choices.

 

[tdidymas]

Hi everyone, blessings! I happen to have a big crush. It all started somewhat recent. An event like this is usually something to be a happy about. Unfortunately, I'm very conflicted, and don't know what to do. So I would like to seek council here if possible, to see what you all think. First things first, I'm male, 28 years old. I practically grew up in church, and never left, always been here trying to stay as faithful to God as possible. I recently moved to a new church, which is just an amazing place. I moved because God actually gave me word to move from my old church. I prayed for Him to guide me to a new place, and He definitely did. I'm happy and blessed where I am now. And it was here in this new place that I met a girl. At first it was just like any other regular "nice to meet you" kind of thing. Because I have been given the privilege to serve in the music ministry for another location that my new church recently opened, focused on college students, I'm usually not around in the main church. However, once a given semester ends, I go back to attending the main church. This summer, as I went back there, I began to reconnect with all the young adults that I hadn't seen in a while. I got to spend more time with them, share with them in fellowship, so it's been pretty great. During this time, I got to also reconnect with this girl that I had previously met. I'm not entirely sure how it all happened, it felt very natural and organic on how we connected. I came to know that many of her struggles were very similar to mine in a way. She's been through so much, but God has sustained and guided her through it all. I began to see how amazing she was. How love literally poured out of her, and how God uses her in such amazing ways. She has this big heart, such kindness and sweetness. Before I knew it, I was totally and utterly attracted to her. She's beautiful. So you might think, this is great, I don't see any problem at all. Of course, here's the big but. Sigh...shes only 18, going to 19. So I, of course, start to ask myself the obvious question: What in the world am I thinking?? The gap is pretty substantial. Almost 10 years!! I'll be honest, I'm very very conflicted. On one side, I want to pursue her. I feel like we match up very well, and it's something that I wasn't even looking for, it was almost as if it was brought to me. Yes, definitely not what I originally expected or wanted. I wanted somebody older, closer to my age. On the other hand, there's the ethics. Is it ethical for me to pursue her? would we be accepted by my church? I know for a fact that my family will go ballistic if they were to find out I'm dating an 18 year old. Even when I say it, sounds ridiculous...is this something that I'm just gonna have to forget about and put it behind me? ...could I be making the mistake of a life time by letting her go?...what does this say about me, liking someone so young?...
So you see my brothers and sisters, this is my predicament, and it's literally keeping me up at night. Someone, please help, shed some light on this complicated mess Or at least pray for me, for guidance, for me to be able to make the right decision here.

Keep in mind there is a major transition between a spiritual brother-sister relationship and BF-GF relationship. Spiritual /psychological conversation is probably a healthy foundation, but you will need to expand it to dreams, life plans, ethics, ideas, schedules, etc.

Part of that transition is, you need to get agreement, if you hope to gain such a relationship without lots of trouble. You should get verbal agreement with her and her parents. The reason why I say "and her parents" is because she is in a transition age, as she has come out of being a minor less than a year ago, and her parents are still emotionally her protectors. They will need to know the extent of your intentions.

As far as your family, since you are 28 they don't have much say in your decisions, although they may be wanting to protect you from foolish decisions. But your age difference is not all that much in my opinion, and it would be completely up to the girl if she wants that relationship with you. One excuse you can always give if necessary is that women mature sooner than men (especially emotionally).

Make sure that you also pursue a good education about man/woman relationships from a Christian perspective. There are many teachings on that subject. One brief example:
https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct...e.ashx&usg=AFQjCNGVr6lKJ91Fe2XWjZAE5O2pwhLwXA

Another: Sex and the Single Life, Part Two | The Winning Walk with Dr. Ed Young

Good luck in your pursuit, and God bless.
TD

 

[timewerx]

Hi timewerx, I understand what you mean. Believe me, I am aware of all that, reason why I've been conflicted. At this point in time, she's not going off to college just yet. She's entering the work force full time, and taking about a year off from school. She will however go back to school, probably by the time shes 20. I am ready to support her 100% in anything she may want to do with her life. No, I definitely don't want to be a hindrance to her in any way. So even if we were to start dating, I would push her to make all those decisions herself, for her to keep her individuality and be her own person. I would be there for support and advice. So yes, she's free to make her own life as how she wants.

Yea, you really can't influence her in any degree towards your favor.

Also times are much tougher now, thus, more important to plan ahead and avoid unecessary risks (for her).

Don't be fooled by young people. They can be very sweet....But 18 is still a transition phase. People change a lot from that age past mid twenties. So you're not only potentially risking her future but also yours.

 

[quatona]

Risking someone else's future just to find beauty isn't wise nor mature advice to give.

Agreed, that´s why I didn´t and wouldn´t give such advice.

These things can be carefully considered and planned for if you take the time to think it over instead of doing rash choices.

Agreed, that´s why I didn´t and wouldn´t advocate doing rash choices.

 

[Bass4Jesus]

Mark me down as another one who doesn't think this is such a hot idea. 28 and 18 has a pretty high "creep factor." It's a huge age gap at that age. At 60 and 50, maybe not so much, but still excessive imo. My rule of thumb was 10% either way, using the age of the younger person to do the calculation. Using a percentage rather than a specific number will make the rule work for any age group. With the 10% rule, you'll have more commonality wrt tastes, media, technology, ages of your respective friends, how you choose to spend your free time, and so on.

I agree with many of the points others have already made, so I won't repeat/elaborate. But let me add this: You may be attracted by her youthfulness as much as by her merits. This is a really sneaky, under-the-radar type of attraction. Happens to guys a lot. Lots of times you don't even know it's at work.

 

[Grandpa2390]

I don't see a problem. A good friend of mine married an 18ish year old pastor's daughter when he was 32ish. And they are just fine. have four children and everything.

 

[Owlette]

I personally wouldn't go for it, not just because of the age gap itself, but because of her age. I definitely didn't have my life figured out at 18. I didn't even know who I was. I didn't have a solid footing on my identity until my mid twenties. It would have been hard dating a guy who was at a totally different place in his life than me. At that age, I could be more easily influenced and controlled without even realizing it, and dating an older guy would have just been really unbalanced, if that makes sense. It wouldn't have been good for neither me nor him, because you really are taking a chance by dating someone younger too... They are still figuring things out and could change their mind about the relationship much easier than the older person would. Just my two cents.

 

[.Mikha'el.]

Hi everyone, blessings! I happen to have a big crush. It all started somewhat recent. An event like this is usually something to be a happy about. Unfortunately, I'm very conflicted, and don't know what to do. So I would like to seek council here if possible, to see what you all think. First things first, I'm male, 28 years old. I practically grew up in church, and never left, always been here trying to stay as faithful to God as possible. I recently moved to a new church, which is just an amazing place. I moved because God actually gave me word to move from my old church. I prayed for Him to guide me to a new place, and He definitely did. I'm happy and blessed where I am now. And it was here in this new place that I met a girl. At first it was just like any other regular "nice to meet you" kind of thing. Because I have been given the privilege to serve in the music ministry for another location that my new church recently opened, focused on college students, I'm usually not around in the main church. However, once a given semester ends, I go back to attending the main church. This summer, as I went back there, I began to reconnect with all the young adults that I hadn't seen in a while. I got to spend more time with them, share with them in fellowship, so it's been pretty great. During this time, I got to also reconnect with this girl that I had previously met. I'm not entirely sure how it all happened, it felt very natural and organic on how we connected. I came to know that many of her struggles were very similar to mine in a way. She's been through so much, but God has sustained and guided her through it all. I began to see how amazing she was. How love literally poured out of her, and how God uses her in such amazing ways. She has this big heart, such kindness and sweetness. Before I knew it, I was totally and utterly attracted to her. She's beautiful. So you might think, this is great, I don't see any problem at all. Of course, here's the big but. Sigh...shes only 18, going to 19. So I, of course, start to ask myself the obvious question: What in the world am I thinking?? The gap is pretty substantial. Almost 10 years!! I'll be honest, I'm very very conflicted. On one side, I want to pursue her. I feel like we match up very well, and it's something that I wasn't even looking for, it was almost as if it was brought to me. Yes, definitely not what I originally expected or wanted. I wanted somebody older, closer to my age. On the other hand, there's the ethics. Is it ethical for me to pursue her? would we be accepted by my church? I know for a fact that my family will go ballistic if they were to find out I'm dating an 18 year old. Even when I say it, sounds ridiculous...is this something that I'm just gonna have to forget about and put it behind me? ...could I be making the mistake of a life time by letting her go?...what does this say about me, liking someone so young?...
So you see my brothers and sisters, this is my predicament, and it's literally keeping me up at night. Someone, please help, shed some light on this complicated mess Or at least pray for me, for guidance, for me to be able to make the right decision here.

Do you have any idea if she'd be at all receptive to dating you? Can you even be sure she's available? If not, the age gap's totally irrelevant.

 

[timewerx]

I personally wouldn't go for it, not just because of the age gap itself, but because of her age. I definitely didn't have my life figured out at 18. I didn't even know who I was. I didn't have a solid footing on my identity until my mid twenties. It would have been hard dating a guy who was at a totally different place in his life than me. At that age, I could be more easily influenced and controlled without even realizing it, and dating an older guy would have just been really unbalanced, if that makes sense. It wouldn't have been good for neither me nor him, because you really are taking a chance by dating someone younger too... They are still figuring things out and could change their mind about the relationship much easier than the older person would. Just my two cents.

My last ex-GF was 23 years old and I was 30 at that time.

Even a 23 year still hasn't figured out her life and still trying to make meaning out of her existence.

And among other things, not anyone's fault, I could see the relationship is doomed. And I feel like it's robbing her of that opportunity to find meaning if I try to influence her to my favor.

Such lost opportunity can be a source of frustration later in life especially to women who became housewives or simply got married at an early age.

 

[Owlette]

My last ex-GF was 23 years old and I was 30 at that time.

Even a 23 year still hasn't figured out her life and still trying to make meaning out of her existence.

And among other things, not anyone's fault, I could see the relationship is doomed. And I feel like it's robbing her of that opportunity to find meaning if I try to influence her to my favor.

Such lost opportunity can be a source of frustration later in life especially to women who became housewives or simply got married at an early age.

I couldn't agree with you more with all you said here... It might not seem like it at the time, but those years in your early 20s are pretty important for figuring out your future. I spent the first few years of my 20s in a relationship with someone older too. I still feel the effects of the influence of that relationship to this day, and not in a good way. I wish I would have stayed single and let my life be shaped without that influence. Though I think if he was my age and at the same place in his life as I was, it would have been better for both of us.