Thank you answering and for your transparency. I want to preface my comments with a scripture I'd like you to keep in mind.
"The Light shines on in the darkness, and the darkness did not understand it or overpower it or appropriate it or absorb it [and is unreceptive to it]."
When I read your post that's what came to me and the scripture was followed by a quiet acknowledgement which said, that's the problem. Before I touch on the what in relation to your statement I think it's important to begin with the who instead. Your light has overcome the hardships you've faced and if you read your posts you'd see it. No matter what's said or done two things remain. Your love and trust in God appear unshaken and your resiliency will probably land you on The New York Times Best Sellers List or a stage or both. ;-)
Like the boxers of old you keep coming back. You're laughing, smiling and happy about simple things. This is the difference between victims and overcomers and you're in the second group although it may appear otherwise. Much like Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz you don't see yourself clearly or realize you're carrying what you need to move ahead.
You're not a victim nor do you behave like most in your situation. You don't speak of him too often or look for sympathy or pepper the board with prayer requests. Your problem isn't your primary talking point which says a lot about your heart. And the light within you is your saving grace and the reason he hasn't broken your spirit and he can't. You keep bouncing back.
You can't break the cycle until you see yourself. If you believe you're powerless you'll fail to draw upon your strength and lean into the Lord's instruction. You're asking why he does what he does but that's the wrong question. The real question is why you? Why has he chosen to afflict you and return repeatedly? Like a bee with honey he's drawn to the light although it angers him. And that's your solution.
Do not diminish the joy of the Lord. Amplify it every way you can. Fill your space with worship music and create a playlist for the start of your day, another that gives you energy for tasks or makes you want to jump around in celebration and a third for the evening that helps you relax with gratitude for His goodness. Three lists and three weapons. Once you set them up start playing them in that order. You don't have to listen all day but pay attention to the effect and journal about it later. After a week has passed review your entries and look for changes. What has improved and what has fallen aside?
I'd like you to read the piece I've attached. I found it long ago and the words were memorable and I never forgot them. This is the reason you'll nurture your light so you don't fall prey to the unnecessary cycles the author describes before the truth takes root. Only the truth sets us free and it's my hope the mirror I'm holding before you will enable you to take a step in the right direction. And when you doubt click your heels just like Dorothy.
Once you've implemented worship into your daily routine you're ready to bring in prayer. True breakthroughs begin with us. Not the other person or the source of our hardships. I rarely pray about problems. That's countercultural I suppose. But the vessel is the starting point and the more we emulate the Father the easier it will be to address our mountains like the Son. In other words, it's through doing what He says that we're able to follow Christ. We learn obedience from our parents after all. Relate to God as your Father and much like children do, tell Him everything good and bad and your walk will get easier.
I want you to spend some time praying for yourself. One month of uninterrupted focus on you alone. I'm going to recommend a resource and I'd like you to pray one or two entries each day. And answer one question in your journal as well. What have I learned about myself today? His mercies are new each morning and ripe for discovery if we look closely.
That is your prescription for hope and homecoming. You must come back to the woman God created you to be not the person others defined. Did you notice I didn't say become her? Because she's already there! When He knit you in your mother's womb everything you were destined to do was endowed. All you need to decide is who gets the glory of your workmanship. The Father who loves you or the one who craves your demise.
I didn't say you could be a best selling author or speaker haphazardly. That's what the devil is trying to stop by crushing your spirit. If he can break you now the victory is lost and the souls who need your message will never hear it. If the one who walks beside you isn't an ambassador of light what remains? He may not be consciously working with the evil one but he's the greatest weapon he has to prevent what follows. Your testimony is the door to your liberation and that time draws near.
I want you to read these articles on the spiritual gifts of
writing,
faith and
mercy. I'll include the fourth on
music with a caveat. I don't see it in the sense of becoming a singer but more along the lines of a lyricist or psalmist like David. It wasn't included with the trio and is something that comes forth later on. Writing and speaking are first.
The book I want you to read is The Power of a Praying Woman by Stormie Omartian. You can find it at the library or if you like ebooks sign up for Hoopla Digital and check it out
there. Don't worry about anything you see on that page. You are the focus for a month and the foundation must be sure before other things are taken on.
In respect to your response, do all you can to remain silent. Don't argue or defend yourself. Put his messages on mute and direct your attention to the Lord through prayer and worship. If he says something upsetting say this aloud. Father, you know his heart and mine. Forgive us for our sins and the pain we've caused one another. May Your will be done in his life and mine.
Keep affirming that. It removes the situation from your lap and places it where it belongs. If you meet his insults with prayer you'll, force the Lord's hand and heap coals of shame upon his head (Proverbs 25:21-22) in the process. Let the Lord fight on your behalf and He will if you stay out of it.
And since you're fond of music I leave this as a gentle reminder lest you forget all I've said. God bless you dear one.
~bella
