The storm I'm facing...

[Stealth001]

I’m in a situation and I feel terrible about it.

My wife left me two years ago and we have a five year old son. We married just out of high school. We had been married for 12 years and were both devout Christians and serving the church. She started hanging out with a group of individuals where she worked and soon wanted an “open marriage”. I was terrified and told her that I wasn’t for it at all. She tried to get me interested in the idea but it wasn’t for me. As it turns out she was having an affair behind my back with two co-workers (a male and a female!). I became aware of her liaisons after putting a key logging program on our PC that allowed me to track her internet behaviors and emails. I was furious and we had a terrible fight. I wanted to save my marriage, so while trying to talk to her and pray for her I did my best to be tolerant of her hoping she’d be a prodigal who came home. I told her point blank that I didn’t want a divorce and that I wanted marriage counseling. I also told her that I was willing to forgive and be understanding of her feelings and needs, but not to the point of an “open marriage”. She told me that she wanted a divorce so that she could “live her own life”. She said that she wasn’t happy with “marriage” and wanted to be single (a good number of her female work friends are single and divorced). She also said she wasn’t even a Christian! With that, she informed me that she wanted a divorce and left.

When she left, she left with the only working vehicle. I have a long commute to work and it was a Friday night in February of 2009 when she left. I was in a total panic. No one had a vehicle to lend me and I didn’t have the money to rent a car. A young lady that I had known both me and my wife in high school (she was my best friend’s girlfriend back then) had friended me maybe three weeks before my wife left. Almost like an answer to prayer she sent me an instant message asking me how me and my wife were doing. She had no idea that we were in the midst of our marriage falling apart because I hadn’t talked to her previously, I only friended her. With everything going on between me and my wife I hadn’t had time to chat with anyone. I began weeping in front of the computer as I explained that my wife had left and that I was desperate for a vehicle. This young lady lived in an adjacent town and was shocked because my wife and I was such a close couple in HS and were so involved with church. This young woman offered to allow me to borrow her car until I could stabilize financially and get my own vehicle. That weekend she came down to my place and let me cry on her shoulder. She cleaned my apartment (which my wife had trashed) and she left the car with me.

Meanwhile my wife got her own place and continued her “lifestyle”.

It took me about six months to stabilize my finances to the point where I could buy an old rust bucket to drive. During that time this young lady would come down to my town and take her car on errands etc., giving it back to me on Sunday nights so I could use it to get to work. She also cleaned my apartment and helped buy groceries. We also grew rather close. We talked about our lives, love, relationships, marriage, faith, etc. Well… we began to develop feelings for one another and one night we ended up making love. And over time now our relationship has blossomed into something very deep and intimate. I’ve never had any intimacy outside of my marriage until these events and it’s tearing me up inside, but the relationship has helped mend me in many ways. This woman is amazing. Our relationship is very clean and was very Christian until this happened. Now I feel like I’m falling in love with a mistress. I would have NEVER seen myself here in a million years. So we’ve had a very discrete relationship that is very loving and tender for nearly two years now. Interestingly enough, my wife and my new lady friend GET ALONG! My wife said that she was happy I got a girlfriend and that it will help me move on.

When my wife first left, my church had advised me not to file for divorce and to make my wife file if that’s what she wanted. (I think they do this to establish some right to remarry.) It’s been nearly two years now and my wife has done absolutely NOTHING. I’ve asked her about it several times and she said she hasn’t filed for divorce because she wants to keep my health insurance! I’ve also been working to pay off debt, get our taxes in order, etc. But it’s been an uphill battle. The rent I pay where I’m at is outrageous and I can’t sustain it financially. So I’ve gotten a less expensive half double that I’m moving into this month. I’m going to file once I move and have more disposable income.

For a while my girlfriend began attending my church because she wanted to be with me. But because of the deepening developments in our relationship I stopped going to my church. I don’t want to bring reproach on Christ by living like this and claiming to be part of a church. I do frequent a different church that barely knows me where I can blend into the crowd and pray and she comes with me quite often.

As I mentioned previously, my lady friend was living in an adjacent town. But her room mate began going crazy. She thinks they are caught up in drugs. The room mate failed to uphold their half of the bills and so she’s lost the place. Her parents are older and her father is not in good health, her mother doesn’t want her to stay with them. She has no where to go at this time.

Because I’m getting a new half double she wanted to talk about moving in with me. She said that she wants to help with getting my finances in order and getting the divorce underway. She sees the toll all of this is taking on me and it breaks her heart. She believes that once we get the divorce behind me I’ll feel much better and we can start moving our relationship forward, get more rooted in church, and see how things go.

She’s already been divorced and she’s helped me tremendously with how things are going and with what to expect. She had married a man after high school who had joined the Air Force. After moving to England with him (stationed in Lakenheath, sp?) he began to drink and become abusive. Eventually they divorced and she returned to the states.

So here we are. I’m in the midst of a divorce and she’s a divorcee just trying to make sense out of our lives. Lives that seemed to be picture perfect until insanity just destroyed everything. We’ve both played by the rules and it seems like nothing worked out. I know many who know my situation have criticized us heavily. Now we just want to be happy. Tried to downgrade things to “just friends”, and it didn’t work out well. We even tried to “break up” and that didn’t work either. She has a daughter, I have a little boy half the time. She’s very good with the kids and I’m falling hard for her. I wish I were divorced. I truly cherish her companionship and sometimes I wish we were married now…at other times I feel terrified of marriage because mine has been so painful and is dying a very slow death.

I’m struggling morally and spiritually. My wife is just “living it up” and thinks I shouldn’t worry so much and just “do what will make you happy”. I’ve turned to some ministers in my old church and I found something shocking. The younger elders and the pastor strongly warn me about this new relationship and the idea of her moving in. The older saints in the church seem to be more accommodating, saying they’d let her move in, see how we do with the kids, and just take things very slow with regards to marriage. They tell me that if we focus on Christ and allow Him to guide us, He will lead us out of this wilderness together in spite of our circumstances and the sins we are contending with. I don’t get it. I feel confused.

Please pray for us. Please share any advice. I know I sound like a terrible person and an absolute dirt bag. I feel like one. Sometimes I just want to give up. I feel like I’m about to fall into a depression over this. I need to know if I should just MOVE ahead and solidify this relationship, get my divorce behind me, and just focus on my new life and see if remarriage is in our future. I want to be happy. At one point in the beginning I was almost CRUSHED with loneliness, depression, and hurt. I feel like this woman has been such a blessing to me. She’s restored me in many ways. At times I feel like I can’t breathe without her.

Please pray. Offer your advice. And if you’ve gone through anything like this and come through, please offer me some hope.

Thank you, and God bless and keep you.

 

[ConureDelSol]

First off, you are in my prayers. I too am going through a storm in my life, though not in the same way as you are. All of us are sinful whether we realize it or not. Yet God forgives and accepts us. You said you feel shameful for going to church while living as you are now, though I would think that staying away from church may be worse for you. Staying away and hiding from God will eventually let your mind find a way to justify your sins and it becomes easier to fall into Satan's grasp.

If you feel ashamed or uncomfortable around the churchgoers you are familiar with, why not try to go to a smaller church? I've always found that smaller churches allow me to concentrate on prayer better since I don't feel like all the eyes in the room are on me. You could even listen to sermons on the internet and pray privately if you aren't ready to take that step to go back to church. As long as you have some God in your week so that you don't fall further into that pit of depression.

Obviously, the ultimate choice in this situation is getting married when you're ready. You may just have to pester your current wife on a regular basis to get those divorce papers done. I agree with your elders by the way. Have her move in and see how things go. If she's as awesome as you say she is, things should be just fine.

God bless.

 

[Stealth001]

I fear that because the situation is so complicated, and because we sinned, God doesn't love us and seeking Him to bless our relationship and to help us come out of this together as a couple (and perhaps a new family) would be wrong.

I HATE sin and divorce. It's so heart rending.

 

[timatter]

Cheer up. You went through a really rough time, and things are still rough, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. You found someone who also has been hurt too and probably just wants to live a normal, boring life, and she is interested in you. You both “played by the rules” and the other person let you down. You still both want to play by the rules. If you both want to get married, be as sure as possible that you are compatible and do it. There are no guarantees, but you are probably not as blinded by love as the first time. I wish you happiness.
I almost married the wrong person, and it would have been a train wreck. Shortly after that ended, I met my wife of 28 years (and counting). The people who condemn you probably think it couldn’t happen to them. They are smug in thinking that they did it right. You and I know it could have happened to them too, it just didn’t. They lucked out. Their spouse could have changed for the worse after they were married and they would have been powerless to stop it.
“older saints in the church” might not be as idealistic as the younger ones and realize that people in the church have the same problems as everybody else. Things don’t always work like they are supposed to work. Church membership doesn’t protect you, though there may be more social pressure to behave and “act Christian”. If you look at the Barna survey of divorce rates among the different religious groups, it is the reverse of what I expect, with unbelievers, Lutherans and Catholics having the lowest rates, 21%, and going up from there, Baptists have 29%, and the more fundamentalist non-denominational churches having the highest, 34%. One of the reasons for the higher divorce rates is probably people marrying young so they can “legally” have sex. Don’t rush into marriage for that reason. Better to make sure you marry the right person.
There will be another survey coming out soon that shows that Christians, in spite of all the preaching against it, have pre-marital sex at about the same rate as non-Christians. The Christians just feel more guilty about it, but it doesn’t stop them. The survey will also show that most preachers, preaching against it now, did it themselves when they were younger. Even if you can’t stop feeling guilty, at least don’t feel you are the only one.

 

[SpiritlMuse]

I fear that because the situation is so complicated, and because we sinned, God doesn't love us and seeking Him to bless our relationship and to help us come out of this together as a couple (and perhaps a new family) would be wrong.

I HATE sin and divorce. It's so heart rending.

You are in my prayers and know that God loves all his children no matter how many times we have sinned and also he knows that we will keep on sinning and he has unconditional love for us!

a friend in Christ
SpiritMuse

 

[Johnnz]

I fear that because the situation is so complicated, and because we sinned, God doesn't love us and seeking Him to bless our relationship and to help us come out of this together as a couple (and perhaps a new family) would be wrong.

I HATE sin and divorce. It's so heart rending.

That's not God's attitude towards you at all. Banish those thoughts.

You are free to remarry and become part of church life again. I know some churches are very 'hard line' but I question the depth of their exegesis of the key Scriptures. I have some material that you might find useful to ponder. PM me if you want me to email it to you.

John
NZ

 

[Christopher0121]

Wow.

 

[Stealth001]

Thank you all for your encouragement and kind words. I never thought in a million years I'd be so intimate with a woman that I wasn't married to. I do believe in marriage, and I firmly believe I'll remarry one day. It's such a terribly human situation. I need God's grace and direction in this to navigate these stormy seas.

A few friends of mine suggested I stop seeing this woman and cut the relationship completely. But I feel like I will have left her feeling used and taken advantage of. I truly love her and her daughter. I tried to slowly end things by suggesting "distance". It was so painful for both of us. It didn't work. In fact, circumstances arose that forced us together. Her father is an older gentleman with health issues and he lost consciousness and fell one night. Her car was being worked on and the only transportation she had to the hospital at 2 AM was me. I didn't have my little boy that night and so I picked her up. Afterwards it was so late when everyone returned home (around 4 AM) that her mother insisted that her daughter and I stay and sleep there. We pulled out the hide-a-bed and talked until we fell asleep. Since her mother is also older and without a vehicle she asked if we could stay a couple days and help her around the house, and serve as transportation, should the hospital call for family (her dad was admitted and kept at the hospital for three days). So I stayed the three days with her and her mother at her mother's house. Needless to say our feelings for one another shown through and her mother talked with me about how much she appreciated me and told me how much her daughter loved me. So, trying to get "distance" and "break up" wasn't very successful. Her mom (a Bible believing Baptist) believes that the hand of God was in the circumstance to bring us closer and allow her to get to know me better. Her mother was so gracious and loving towards us. I truly enjoyed the time we stayed at her mother's house, but regret that it was under those circumstances. God works in mysterious ways.

I don't know what God is doing, and I'm not comfortable with the idea of living with another woman as I work through this divorce. But it seems like God is allowing it (sometimes even orchestrating it) to happen for some reason.

What can I do? I'm in love out of season.

I can only pray that Spring will come.

 

[elenore]

Please take this as my advice only, but you're living in sin. That's called fornication.

God does forgive us, but if we play with fire we get burnt. Your wife betrayed you (as according to the information you've given us.) You met a woman on the rebound who you've fallen into a sexual relationship when you shouldn't have.

Have you ever asked God to show you what he wants you to do regarding the divorce?
Also have you given him permission to break this relationship up with this lady or enable you to?

I write with the most sincerest of condolences for your suffering, it sounds pretty dreadful. But if I were you, I would start moving towards the light as fast as you can. Because light is hope (and strength.) When we obey God, he helps us. When we sin (for whatever reason) and continue in that sin, we prevent him from having the same access to our hearts and situation. I imagine breaking up and trying to put 'barriers' in place with this woman will only erode your relationship because you've already slept together. If you love her, then you want to stop using her, because you are. What you are doing is harmful to her and her emotional state, the way it is to yours. Stuff like this doesn't just go away, particually because you still seem with feet on either side of the fence with your wife and the divorce.
This is very wrong.
You need help. And God is your best source of healing, peace and strength. Cut off those avenues and you could end up destroying yourself, not just causing more emotional damage to all the people involved here (particularly the children.)

Do you love God? Ask yourself why, and why you've chosen to block him through your disobedience? Do you blame him? Hate him? Hate your wife? Feel like a failure or that you've failed him or yourself? Be honest and it might get a lot easier.

God is good. The devil is bad. But we win.
Only
If we choose the right path, when all is said and done. If you keep putting off those choices.....
You might never regain it again.

I'll pray for you.


We can lose our salvation.

God bless

 

[C-Man]

Divorce your wife. Marry your lovely friend.

 

[Stealth001]

Divorce your wife. Marry your lovely friend.

The church I attended advised me not to file, and only divorce if she files because of their beliefs. I then discovered that my wife would just keep me strug up in bondage to the marriage for as long as necessary to keep my health insurance. In total we've been in this limbo for about two years.

Once I move into a more affordable place I'll be financially capable of filing and putting an end to this thing.

As for marriage. I want to remarry, but I want to take it slow before entering into another marriage. I mean, my wife and I were high school sweethearts, in church, didn't live together before marriage, were chaste, etc. I mean, I played by the rules and it still FAILED. Oh well, people have free will and she chose to do what she chose to do.

Now, I'm just trying to live again.

 

[Stealth001]

elenore,

Thank you so much for shooting straight with me. I have no hard feelings towards you at all. I'm going to respond frankly to communicate my thoughts and emotions. Please know that I'm not being angry with you in any way.

God bless and keep you and yours.

Please take this as my advice only, but you're living in sin. That's called fornication.

That’s what troubles me. I’ve never been in a situation like this, its heart wrenching.

God does forgive us, but if we play with fire we get burnt. Your wife betrayed you (as according to the information you've given us.) You met a woman on the rebound who you've fallen into a sexual relationship when you shouldn't have.

No. I didn’t meet a woman on the rebound. I’ve known this woman since 1993; she was my best friend’s girlfriend in high school. Me, my now estranged wife, my best friend, and this woman were very good friends throughout high school. We lost touch after 1998. She friended me over Facebook during the meltdown of my marriage. She was shocked because she always thought my wife and I were the perfect couple. So, I didn’t meet her on the rebound. She’s a very dear friend from my past. She simply happened to come back into my life just before my wife left. When my wife left, she took the only working vehicle and I was left without any way to work. I would have lost my job, my apartment, and found myself in a shelter. This woman I went to school with allowed me to borrow her car until I was able to get my finances stabilized enough to buy an old car so I wasn’t without transportation. In essence, she saved my entire life from falling apart. She allowed me to cry on her shoulder, scream in anger about the situation while she just listened, my wife left my apartment a total wreck and she cleaned it top to bottom. Even put out family heirlooms that belonged to my mom that my wife hadn’t allowed me to put out. She bought groceries and even helped me with a few bills. It was during this period of time that the intimate aspect of our relationship started.

So, while I agree it’s less than ideal circumstances, I don’t see it as meeting a woman on the rebound.

Have you ever asked God to show you what he wants you to do regarding the divorce?

Yes. After I found out about the affairs I was so angry I could have killed her. I counseled with my pastor for several days before I even confronted her. I settled my emotions and resolved myself to forgive her, be flexible, and understanding. After confronting her I pleaded for marriage counseling on several occasions and it became a huge fight. She wouldn’t even meet with me and the pastor. That began the turbulent period of fighting and screaming and threats and crying (me) that came to an end when she left. The night she left I felt God’s peace with allowing her to go. I prayed if there was anything more I could do. Even while this other woman was helping me (we weren't intimate at that point) I tried to get my wife to speak to me, go out for coffee and talk. I pleaded with her to come home and she only became absolutely vicious towards me, laughed at me, and said I just needed to, “Get over it.” I’d go home and cry and call this other woman for advice. Throughout this entire ordeal, my wife has allowed me to see my son regularly. One night she snapped on me because I wanted to talk about him starting school and she kicked me out of her house and said she wasn’t going to let me see him. At that point, the final thread of any hope my wife and I would ever be back together broke. I felt complete emotional severance from her emotionally. That night I called my mother-in-law and pleaded with her to reason with my wife and see if she’d allow me to pick up my son. Later that day my wife called me and said I could pick him up. I’ve prayed and prayed about it, but after that day… I felt the peace of God in just considering our relationship dead and over. Funny thing is, since then, even though she knows I’ve been with my lady-friend, my wife and I have gotten along rather well. We only fight if I try to discuss something serious like the impending divorce or something about my son that makes her feel like I’m criticizing her parenting. As things have evolved, the last time we talked about the divorce she wanted to look into dissolution. But talking to her is difficult. I don’t know if she’ll be reasonable or go off about not having health insurance if we divorce and how I should just be patient until she’s in a “better position”.

So I have peace now regarding the divorce. The marriage is over.

Also have you given him permission to break this relationship up with this lady or enable you to?

Yes. As I said we had a talk about “distance” and not being so close. It was so hard. She cried and expressed that she and her daughter love me and how she believed I was a better man than to just use her and throw her and her daughter away like trash. I refused to pick up the phone or answer her texts for several days. Then she called me at about 1:30 AM about her dad’s fall and pleaded for a ride to the hospital because her car was in the shop and her mother had gone in the ambulance with her father. She was hysterically pleading and crying. Considering how much I have come to care about her and how much she had helped me, there was no way I could have said “no” and leave her unable to go to the hospital to be with her father (again, not knowing the situation yet) and her mother stranded at the hospital. Circumstances far outside of my control brought us back together and landed us with assisting her mother together and living in her mother’s house together for a few days until her dad was released.

I write with the most sincerest of condolences for your suffering, it sounds pretty dreadful.

Thank you. And it is dreadful! I wouldn’t wish this situation on anyone.

But if I were you, I would start moving towards the light as fast as you can.

I want to. But I also want to take her and her daughter with me.

Because light is hope (and strength.) When we obey God, he helps us. When we sin (for whatever reason) and continue in that sin, we prevent him from having the same access to our hearts and situation.

I understand what you’re trying to say. However, I don’t exactly hold to that theology. I believe that even the thoughts and intentions of wicked rulers are subject to God’s irresistible will. I don’t believe that sin causes “static” on God’s ability to control circumstance, or individuals, to execute His will and purposes. I believe that the sin issue was dealt with at the cross. I do believe that sin can impact our lives as far as God will allow it so as to chasten His children. God is never left without access to anything. He is sovereign and in full control. To say that something could limit His sovereignty over anything is to say that said thing has greater power than God Himself. To say that God restrains His power as to limit His own access to anything for any reason is to say that God has relinquished absolute control of anything that isn’t perfectly in alignment with Himself, thereby rendering God powerless with regards to man.

God is in full control. God knew before time began that my female friend would come into my life just when I needed help. He also knew the affection and closeness we’d develop. God also knew the sin we’d commit. God also knew I’d try to break things off and get distance to think and pray and circumstances would draw us back under the same roof. And God never used His power to stop it. In fact, as with David and Bathsheba (a woman who eventually helped to save Israel and continued the line of the Messiah), God may use our circumstance to accomplish His perfect will. The question is… will we learn more about our sinful natures, learn to depend upon His grace, and surrender to the one who can give us beauty for ashes? At least, that’s the prayer of my heart.

to be continued...

 

[Stealth001]

continued...

I imagine breaking up and trying to put 'barriers' in place with this woman will only erode your relationship because you've already slept together.

It could. However, circumstances had arisen to thwart those efforts. And I discovered that even during that short period of distance our feelings didn’t change.

If you love her, then you want to stop using her, because you are. What you are doing is harmful to her and her emotional state, the way it is to yours. Stuff like this doesn't just go away,

Using her? Personally, I think cutting the relationship off would be using her. This woman had lent me her car for several months. She helped with bills, groceries, and even cleaned my trashed apartment on her hands and knees after I was abandoned. She was there for me to turn to and cry with as I tried to get my wife to come home. And as we grew closer, she gave me her heart, and though it was sinful, she gave me her intimacy and comfort. Not to mention, her daughter has become very attached to me. Do I now just send her packing for the sake of religious “righteousness”? If I were using her…I’d be more than willing to just shatter her emotions and break her daughter’s heart by ending everything. She’s in her mid thirties, as am I, and she’s been through a divorce before. What would denying my feelings for her and sending her and her daughter packing into the night do to her “emotional state”? Personally, this is one of those very difficult and imperfect situations wherein it would appear that the right thing to do is what many would call the wrong thing. Just as King David partook in the shewbread (which was only lawful for the Levites to partake of) and gave it to his men during his exile. David broke the Law… to do what was right. And while I know my heart is in this, and I’m aware that I may not see very clearly, that’s how it appears to me.

If I throw her away, I’ve used her. If I truly love her, I will stand by her and seek to correct those circumstances that are wrong in our lives in effort to build a family. First, file for divorce. Second, give time to heal emotionally. Thirdly, marrying her and being her husband. Few situations are picture perfect. It takes guts to fight to make things right. I don’t think dropping her and her daughter and running into the shadows of religion demonstrates strength or a desire to make anything truly “right”.

particually because you still seem with feet on either side of the fence with your wife and the divorce.

Ummm… besides needing to work out legalities of this divorce, where do I have feet on the other side of the fence with my estranged wife? I only waited this long because first, I listened to my church and did nothing, hoping she’d file. She didn’t. She wants to use me for health insurance. Second, my finances are still very precarious. I’m moving to a far more affordable apartment so that I will have the financial ability to file and pay an attorney.

This is very wrong.

Yes. I’ve sinned. I’ve sinned against God, and Him alone. And my heart is broken and I have much self loathing because of it. But now, I must man up and go to work. Not drop a woman and her daughter who love me and head for the monastery.

You need help.

Amen, please pray for me.

And God is your best source of healing, peace and strength. Cut off those avenues and you could end up destroying yourself, not just causing more emotional damage to all the people involved here (particularly the children.)

I mentioned in a previous post that she was living with a roommate. They didn’t pay their share of the rent and now they are loosing their apartment. Her parents are older and don’t want her to move in with her hyper five year old daughter. Her dad has health issues, mild dementia, and fits of anger, rage, and violence (due to his condition). She’s not comfortable with her daughter being around that. Her two brothers are into drugs and are highly unstable, that’s an instant “no”. Her sister lives out of state and refuses to allow her to stay (some bitterness from the past here). She doesn’t have enough money to get her own place. She has no where to go but a shelter…unless I take her in. Seeing how much she’s given, how long she’s stood by me (throughout this two year period), and how much her daughter has become attached to me… what would cause more emotional damage? …Me standing by her, getting the divorce, and building a family? …Or me cutting her off into the night?

Do you love God?

Yes, and that has caused me much depression because I hate the circumstances and what I’ve become. This is exactly why I will not even attend church anymore. I don’t want to bring reproach to his name.

Ask yourself why, and why you've chosen to block him through your disobedience?

Yes, I’ve sinned. But what’s done is done. Now I have to fix what is broken and salvage what I can save.

Do you blame him? Hate him?

No. While my wife’s leaving set things in motion, my choices complicated these matters.

Hate your wife?

In all honesty, I don’t feel particularly fond of her right now. lol Just being honest.

Feel like a failure or that you've failed him or yourself? Be honest and it might get a lot easier.

Yes. I have failed. I am a failure. And without His grace, I have NO hope.

God is good. The devil is bad. But we win.

Only
If we choose the right path, when all is said and done. If you keep putting off those choices.....
You might never regain it again.

Would dropping her and her daughter after all of this be “the right path” to take? The pain and emotional damage it will cause them? I feel like I’d hate myself more if I did that. And yes, I’d not be surprised if God abandoned me to burn as I struggle to carry us out of this. I’d deserve it.

I'll pray for you.

Thank you so much. I need so much prayer right now. I’m so broken and torn.

We can lose our salvation.

If so, most likely I’ve already lost it.

I need hope and faith that we can find our way out of this situation. Not overly simplistic religious answers that will leave a wake of hurting people... and me feeling somehow justified in hurting them.

 

[Stealth001]

The above posts aren't meant as a rebuke, rebuttal, or "counter point debate" in any way. The above posts only represents my thoughts, fears, and emotions regarding this.

If anyone can help shed light or offer hope regarding these feelings and thoughts, I'd be most appreciative.

God bless and keep all of you.

 

[Johnnz]

Please don't accept the condemnatory legalism that some are promoting. I know what Scriptures they rely on. But their understanding of them is rather limited. Fortunately, there are other Christians who love the Scriptures who reject their stance on well based grounds and you would be welcome to participate fully in the church life.

John
NZ

 

[Stealth001]

Well, I have my new location. I allowed her and her daughter to move in and things are very nice. I expect to finish all the divorce proceedings of my prior marriage soon (hopefully before Christmas). She's a true blessing to my life. This past week we've been in our new home and I've learned even more about her and her way of doing things. She's amazing, organized, clean, and takes much pride in her home. My estranged wife was just the opposite. Never could find anything, the house always smelled, if I didn't do the dishes they weren't done. She'd stuff dirty diapers, fast food containers, and even dirty dishes under the couch! I feel like I'm in Heaven right now. I came home from work and the house smelled great, the kids were clean and already finished with homework, and she was preparing to cook dinner, asking only that I manage the kids while she worked. She truly is a very domestic woman. I know it's wrong, but I wish I had lived with my estranged wife before getting married. We married just after high school graduation and got our first place together... so I knew nothing about her as a woman when we first married. Had I lived with her for a period first, I'd have known that she was a total slob, and lazy house keeper who dedicated all her energies and affections toward her career and those she worked with (who she also had her affairs with).

Of course, I'm still convicted by living with this woman and not being married to her. Since I'm a divorcee I think I'm going to take it slow. But after the first week... I seriously have few reservations about marrying this woman after the dust settles. Even though we're contending with sin in our situation, she's truly a woman of faith. I feel ashamed to say grace... she gives me "the look" and expects me to lead the prayer. So I do, acknowledging my imperfections and God's perfection. Acknowledging my utter neediness and God's provision. Thanking Him for His grace and patience toward us. If we were married right now... I think I wouldn't have a care in the world.

We'll see how things pan out. I know many will disagree with my decision. But I didn't have the heart to cut off the relationship. She and her daughter truly seem to love me and I them. I couldn't just chalk the relationship up to being "sin" and demand that we not talk, I'd feel that I had used her. I didn't use her. I sincerely love her and care about her. The pain that breaking up would bring to her and her daughter (not to mention my own heart) would be very deep.

So here I am. I'm confessing my situation openly asking that some of you pray for us that all goes well and that we be forgiven, and guided by God, as we sort out our lives and make things right. I wish someone with a testimony regarding this kind of circumstance would share their story with me. I could use some encouragment that these situations can have a happy ending when Jesus is brought into them.

Thank you all for your thoughts and prayers. I'll keep you posted occasionally.

God bless you and yours.