
If you are the last one to laugh at the joke. . .. but seriously what is this need you speak of?
I'll take a potshot at this one... I've always wanted to get in on this debate - but rarely have the time (or come in too late after everyone's taken it in the wrong direction...IMHO).
Men have a biological imperative to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Understand - I'm not saying "a need to have sex" - or a "need to touch" - I'm talking about a need to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. Your body produces it - and it needs to go somewhere.
The most common ways of ridding yourself of accumulated sperm is through either sex, or masturbation. Even those that choose to do neither will most likely end up expelling it unwillingly/unconsciously via nocturnal emissions.. Some can train themselves - with a great deal of effort (and discomfort) to go so long without any form of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] that it's simply reabsorbed into the body.
However - whichever means is utilized - it doesn't change the fact that you can pretty much say that [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] (ridding yourself of unused sperm and sperm) is akin to urination. They're both biological facts that can't be avoided.
Now, for all intents and purposes, the church pretty much teaches men that any form of expelling of sperm outside of "into your wife's vaginal cavity" is a grave sin. Heck - when I was growing up in a Lutheran church - we were taught that all sexual sin (including masturbation) was second only to murder in terms of severity.
So far as the church is concerned - a man's only righteous courses of action are to either hop around like a Mexican hopping bean in sexual frustration until the shameful nocturnal emission occurs - or he can somehow (through some bizarre tantric exercise most likely) train his body to not [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] at all and re-absorb it - or find a vagina to marry in order to find a place to deposit it.
That's pretty much the crux of it. Any other way of handling the need to [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] is to be met with shame.
...and cruising around this board (and seeing how many Christian men seem to view their own needs) - that message is pretty loud and clear.