The girl I like is dating someone else....

[Alistair_Wonderland]

Not a unique problem, I know, but I'm a very socially awkward person who ended up, by some miracle of God, making friends with this girl who had similar artistic interest to me. I always knew she was gorgeous, but I always figured she was off-limits, so I was content to just be friends.

But then, I started to get to know her better. She's one of the kindest people I have ever met, and really humble and sweet, but not afraid to speak up either. And... one day I just started thinking that I wouldn't mind seeing if we could make a good couple.

But by then, it was too late. She's dating another guy now, and I don't feel comfortable around them. She's my only friend, and I haven't seen a single person in the entire area I can reach who I'm attracted to who also has a great personality. The guy is nice enough, and I want her to be happy... but I can't help but feel that I'm letting my one chance at happiness slip away. And I know everyone says "there's plenty of fish in the sea", but I don't fall in love easily, and of the few girls in my area who actually are attractive, I have no idea how to approach them.

What can I do? Is it better to hold my piece and not interrupt her relationship with her boyfrind (who she's been with now for nearing a year), or should I say something? I'm honestly not the better guy, since I have lots of mental and emotional issues (which stem from the crushing loneliness I always seem to feel) and I have a lot of faults and problems. But I do my best to be kind and listen and put others first.
I don't want to chase her away by being forward, but I also don't want to lose her. I don't know what to do here. I'm going to be 32 in April and I've never been on a date or courted or even been kissed on the cheek. I don't have a lot of options right now, as I want to enjoy my youth with someone rather than have my loneliness screw me up too much for anybody to want me. I always felt like God had given me a sign that she was for me; I was praying for God to provide me with a good girlfriend in church once, and a few minutes later it was the first time she ever spoke to me. (I actually looked behind myself like a cartoon fool, thinking she was too pretty to actually be talking to me.)

What should I do? I don't want to seem like I'm causing trouble for her in her relationship, and I know people will tell me I need to get my act together first, but when most of my mental and social problems are caused by my crippling loneliness, it's not such a simple task. I work best when I have someone to live for, and when I'm all alone, all motivation is dried up in chronic depression. But I feel like a relationship would give me something to care about, and something to fight for.

So what should I do? (And though you mean well, please don't tell me to live for either myself or God, because I generally hate myself and my love for God is already tied up trying to keep me from committing ctrl-alt-del in real life. Besides, I love Jesus, but you can't snuggle Him at night when you're scared, and He's a bad conversationalist outside of the occasional vision or dream, and as God says in the Bible "a man who finds a wife finds a good thing, and obtains favor from the Lord. I just want to face life with someone, instead of always ending up alone and in the dark. Sure, God is with me, but faith takes some dents when there's no iron to sharpen your own iron on.)

 

[Sketcher]

Let her go, cut off your feelings for her. Find new friends.

You're probably not going to charm her away from her boyfriend. And if you could, it would be a bad idea to do so because you would end up with a woman who is not above "trading up". If she does that to him for you, she'll more than likely do that to you for someone else. And if she's the kind of person who will do that, she's really not all that great a person. If she is a good person though, that won't happen. Either way, stop investing your feelings and emotions in her. You get nothing of value by continuing to do this.

This need not mean telling her off or sharing your feelings with her. It mainly means that you don't show up where she is, you don't call or text her, you don't give her the attention and favors that you previously gave her. If she's on Facebook, hide her in your news feed, no need to de-friend. She probably won't notice anyway. You can be cordial if you cross paths, but don't seek anything from her. This is about silently breaking orbit.

 

[Sword of the Lord]

Stop. Just stop. She's in a relationship with somebody else. Life isn't a movie. You're going to hurt her and yourself if you try to intervene in a relationship for your own gain. She might be right for you, but not right now.

 

[Alistair_Wonderland]

Let her go, cut off your feelings for her. Find new friends.

You're probably not going to charm her away from her boyfriend. And if you could, it would be a bad idea to do so because you would end up with a woman who is not above "trading up". If she does that to him for you, she'll more than likely do that to you for someone else. And if she's the kind of person who will do that, she's really not all that great a person. If she is a good person though, that won't happen. Either way, stop investing your feelings and emotions in her. You get nothing of value by continuing to do this.

This need not mean telling her off or sharing your feelings with her. It mainly means that you don't show up where she is, you don't call or text her, you don't give her the attention and favors that you previously gave her. If she's on Facebook, hide her in your news feed, no need to de-friend. She probably won't notice anyway. You can be cordial if you cross paths, but don't seek anything from her. This is about silently breaking orbit.

Stop. Just stop. She's in a relationship with somebody else. Life isn't a movie. You're going to hurt her and yourself if you try to intervene in a relationship for your own gain. She might be right for you, but not right now.

Figured as much. Still, I don't see why I have to break contact: I know when to concede defeat, and I'm not about to try to tempt her. But yeah, hurts to be around her, so I haven't talked as much.

No need for more posts: this is pretty much how I figured it would go. I might as well accept it.

 

[Sketcher]

Figured as much. Still, I don't see why I have to break contact: I know when to concede defeat, and I'm not about to try to tempt her. But yeah, hurts to be around her, so I haven't talked as much.

The less you see her, the easier it is for you to move on and recover. The more you see her, the more you see what you like about her, and the more not having her will continue to hurt you. Did you ever read The Phantom Tollbooth? There's a point in the story where they were hungry, and ate a meal. What was served for that meal was "subtraction stew." The more they ate, the hungrier they got, and by the end they were famished. The more you call her, and text her, and hang out with her, the more you eat the subtraction stew. Stop eating it.

Again, all you have to do is hide her stories in your news feed, and initiate nothing. You can respond back, if convenient. I have a feeling this won't be too often.

 

[mojoboy31]

but I can't help but feel that I'm letting my one chance at happiness slip away.

She's not your only chance at happiness-- she's just the only one you see right now. Mostly, you just need to learn how to put yourself in situations where you can meet people. COVID has made that increasingly difficult even for social butterfly, outgoing types, so don't feel too bad.

What should I do? I don't want to seem like I'm causing trouble for her in her relationship, and I know people will tell me I need to get my act together first, but when most of my mental and social problems are caused by my crippling loneliness, it's not such a simple task. I work best when I have someone to live for, and when I'm all alone, all motivation is dried up in chronic depression. But I feel like a relationship would give me something to care about, and something to fight for.

Unfortunately, I think you missed your chance to speak up if they've been dating for near a year. If all you're after is closure, then go for it, tell her how you feel, get it off your chest, give yourself a clean break to make easier to let go. But if you truly value her friendship, then don't do that, because you will lose it.

Now look, it isn't healthy to maintain a friendship with a girl you're crushing on, in the hopes that someday she might free up and share your feelings. So if her friendship is what you want, then be her friend, don't get clingy.

The idea that your problems will be solved if you just have someone is false. Trust me on this, there are far worse things than being single.

I wouldn't tell you to "live for yourself"-- I would however-- suggest improving yourself. Learn a new skill, start some new hobbies, master something. Interesting hobbies makes for an interesting person, and often hobbies lead to meeting more people.
Stop dwelling in the darkness and loneliness-- turn your attention toward better things. If you take steps to improve your life, make your days more enjoyable, pickup new skills to grow your confidence-- little by little-- you won't be so crushed by loneliness-- you'll be too busy enjoying yourself. And when you're enjoying yourself, doing interesting things, you might just find someone else who likes the same hobbies too.

 

[timewerx]

I always felt like God had given me a sign that she was for me

Been there way more than once. Those multiple uncanny coincidences... In my case, it kinda ruined my life.

So be careful out there. Signs doesn't always come from God. It can also come from your own mind (as unbelievable as it may sound, never underestimate the power of the mind. The mind can make it real for you if you feel strong enough about something. And of course, it can also be the devil.

I am also quite the hopeless romantic in my younger years. But as you get older and mature, you will realize it might as well be just all in your head and not the thing that will make you miserable or happy for the rest of your life.

I'm not saying all hope is lost but do think hard how it is affecting your life or if you can see anything positive coming out of it.

Maybe I sound pessimistic because in my case, it ruined my future, really messed me up and my mind.

 

[Faithfulandtrue]

I might be the only one saying this here but just because she's dating now doesn't mean they will stay together. I would still try talking to other girls just in case though. You would be surprised how awkward us girls can be. I used to think all boys were born confident and I was the shy awkward one. I know exactly how you feel. I just turned 29 and never had a bf or been kissed. When I find that there are people like us out there I feel so much better. But enough about me. Don't beat yourself up friend. It's completely up to you if you want to tell her how you feel even if it's just to get it off your chest. Or if you feel like it is not the right time that's ok too. Or even if you just want to move on and not tell her it's okay too. You don't have to rush a decision.

 

[philadelphos]

But by then, it was too late. She's dating another guy now, and I don't feel comfortable around them. She's my only friend, and I haven't seen a single person in the entire area I can reach who I'm attracted to who also has a great personality. The guy is nice enough, and I want her to be happy... but I can't help but feel that I'm letting my one chance at happiness slip away. And I know everyone says "there's plenty of fish in the sea", but I don't fall in love easily, and of the few girls in my area who actually are attractive, I have no idea how to approach them.

Sounds like classic narcissism: I saw my reflection and I fell in love. -- She's not your future wife. If the bond was true/worthwhile, you'd have committed somehow. No higgledy-piggledy. Most tellingly is that she wouldn't have taken up "another guy". So you're flirting with a taken woman, immoral and unethical. When women meet their spouse, they can't stop thinking and talking about it. They're wired that way. Everyone in their life will know about you. And the dad will either want to meet you or hate you. What you have is infatuation, classroom crush. Forget about it.

2 Thes 2:11