The Coffee Shop (3)

[BrokenForHim]

I know what you mean...*sigh*

 

[Celtic Camel]

Hi beautiful ones!
April, precious friend, you know what? I have discovered that God doesn't expect us to be strong. If we are strong, there's no need to rely on Him - it is in our weakness that God is seen...
I was in a residential therapy program for 11 months (and years of counselling before that), and I've been officially out for nearly 13... there is no way in the world that I am totally over any of the stuff I was there for. My family and some friends think that from the day I came out, I was 'healed' and whole. Ha! Yes, I am "better" than I was - only because of God's strength, love & grace, but daily I struggle to keep choosing to do what I need to do to stay 'healthy'.
Do you know what I love the most about coming here and being with you girls? The fact that we don't have to be strong here - we can just be us. If that means lurking when we aren't doing so great or just have nothing to say (like me a bit lately), or coming to scream at the world, or to curl up in a corner, or to seek our friends and ask for prayer... whatever... that's why I love this coffee shop...
Anyway, I think I am rambling... there's something from the book I am reading that I want to post, so I'll go start a new thread...
love you all so much, and no matter where you are on this journey, I believe in you and even more importantly, so does God!

xoxoxo
lisa

ps. I'm sending up an extra prayer that God will either bring into each of your lives someone who can just hold you and be with you as "God with skin on" or that if that person is already in your world, that your eyes & heart will be opened to see them and trust them to let them love you in the way you need right now... He can do this for you, so keep you're eyes out!

 

[BrokenForHim]

I feel like an idiot! a friend of mine wrote something really touching and I asked her if I could share it with my youth pastors wife, my friend said yes. So I e-mailed it to her and I swear I told her that my friend wrote it she e-mailed me back asking if I wrote it or got it from somewhere and now it looks like I was trying to take the work as my own so I e-mailed her back saying that I didn't write it..I'm just freaking out because I feel like she wont trust me now...gah

 

[PureGrace]

I know what you mean. Like, it's all well and good to know that God's there, but sometimes you just want someone to wrap their very human arms around you, sit with you, hug you close, rather than simply having to imagine God's arms around you.

Hmm.

exactly. exactly.
As much as I love them, these cyber hugs just arent enough either

 

[PureGrace]

I feel like an idiot! a friend of mine wrote something really touching and I asked her if I could share it with my youth pastors wife, my friend said yes. So I e-mailed it to her and I swear I told her that my friend wrote it she e-mailed me back asking if I wrote it or got it from somewhere and now it looks like I was trying to take the work as my own so I e-mailed her back saying that I didn't write it..I'm just freaking out because I feel like she wont trust me now...gah

aww thats no fun

dont worry...i bet that trust wont even be an issue

If that had happened with a friend, I would have just assumed they made a mistake

 

[Soulwings]

Good morning everyone. How are you all? Can I get anyone anything warm (or cold) to drink? (It's 18'F here and slightly snowy so warmth is the most important thing right now! )

Lisa Thank you for your reply. I know that I don't have to be strong, and I know that God doesn't expect me to be strong ... but maybe I'm supposed to be strong as long as I'm drawing my strength from His? I don't know. I just can't stop being what I've been being, whatever that is. I don't even know if the person who is Soulwings is one that does any much good for anyone.

I do like how we can all just come here and be ourselves. Thing is, I'm not really sure who I am. I've changed so much since I first registered as Soulwings and I can remember all the different stages. Goodness, that was a long time ago!! There was a time when I didn't let anyone know my age because I thought they'd think I was older, and talk to me like I was ... and that worked for awhile - two years really - until I figured that I was living a lie by letting people think I was in my twenties or so. Oops. That was utterly random, my apologies. :o

But anyway ... I'm finding out who I am and what I like. It's pretty cool to discover yourself after all the ED/SI stuff is being pushed back from being the most important thing in your world.

/me curls up in the corner with a laptop to type out an email to her fiance.

 

[Celtic Camel]

I know that I don't have to be strong, and I know that God doesn't expect me to be strong ... but maybe I'm supposed to be strong as long as I'm drawing my strength from His?

*shrug* All I know for sure is that God wants us to experience freedom...and one of the very rare times when I have felt truly free was when I was curled up crying my heart out with a dear friend supporting me, and I certainly wasn't being very strong then

But anyway ... I'm finding out who I am and what I like. It's pretty cool to discover yourself after all the ED/SI stuff is being pushed back from being the most important thing in your world.

Exciting, and scary, huh? Sometimes its like inventing a new persona, just to discover it's the one God intended for you to start with! maybe it's time for a new name to go with the new you?

Either way, if you stay or decide to take a break, you need to know I not only love you but like you as well...

*anyone one want coffee, or tea, or chai something, or hot chocolate, or ....*

 

[PureGrace]

Hello girls

I dont really have anything to say. I just wanted to pop in.

 

[BrokenForHim]

home sick with the flu..bleh

 

[PureGrace]

home sick with the flu..bleh

thats no fun

 

[Soulwings]

*shrug* All I know for sure is that God wants us to experience freedom...and one of the very rare times when I have felt truly free was when I was curled up crying my heart out with a dear friend supporting me, and I certainly wasn't being very strong then

I've never felt free, I guess. I can't cry when I want to, and I do when I don't want to, and I always end up so embarrassed afterwards, since it's always my parents that are there to comfort, and they don't get any of what I'm going through. Nor can they - or anyone, really - help at all. And since they don't understand why I'm crying, they can't offer words of comfort. They can only acknowledge that I'm hurting and basically tell me to get on with it, that what's bothering me isn't the biggest problem in the world. Yeah. Like that helps.

Exciting, and scary, huh? Sometimes its like inventing a new persona, just to discover it's the one God intended for you to start with! maybe it's time for a new name to go with the new you?

Either way, if you stay or decide to take a break, you need to know I not only love you but like you as well...

Yeah, you're right. I do wonder, sometimes, though, if I would have ever become the someone that He wanted me to be if it hadn't been for the eating disorder, suicidality/attempts, severe depression, and self injury. I don't think so. It's kind of like a butterfly coming out of a cocoon, to use a very cliche image. I needed that pain and that suffering in order to fully appreciate the world as He meant it to be. But the sad part is ... that suffering and that pain isn't even close to being over ...

*anyone one want coffee, or tea, or chai something, or hot chocolate, or ....*

I'll take a sugar-free fat-free hot chocolate ... rather ... I'll just take some cocoa powder mixed with skim milk and Splenda ... I've already overate today...

 

[Soulwings]

And damn it ... I feel like utter crap.

 

[Arianna]

And damn it ... I feel like utter crap.

April, sorry, i don't have any words to make you feel better, but i am praying for you.

 

[PureGrace]

And damn it ... I feel like utter crap.

Im sure you've done just fine, love. It's so hard not to think that way, I know, but it always worth a try.

 

[Soulwings]

Things just aren't going well.

And the things that aren't going well are actually happening.
They're not just in my head like they usually are.
They're happening. Now. In my life.

But you know what?
Whatever.
Why should I care?
There's no point in it all.
No point at all.

 

[PureGrace]

Sorry to hear that April...
You should care because its your life, sweetie. There IS a point.

 

[Soulwings]

Kate.

Well, I certainly don't see a point right now.
It's all struggle, struggle, struggle.
My fiance has acknowledged that I'm a burden.
My parents have told me there isn't any point in talking about how I'm feeling, because it's "just a feeling." Well then, how about this being a feeling that's lasted for weeks?

Classes start soon.
I don't know if I'm in the right major.
Well, okay, I'm in the major that God wants me to be in. I think. But what if I'm wrong?
And it's not a major that I'm mad excited about right now.
I don't want the stress.
The schoolyear of 05-06 I ended up in the psych ward three times. All because of suicidality brought on by stress.
That can't happen again.

It's all pointless.
Honestly. That's what I see right now.
Even as Soulwings, I'm pointless. Useless. Worthless.

Maybe I'm listening to lies right now.
But I don't see any truth hiding anywhere.
So maybe this is the truth.

I don't know.

 

[PureGrace]

Kate.

Well, I certainly don't see a point right now.
It's all struggle, struggle, struggle.
My fiance has acknowledged that I'm a burden.
My parents have told me there isn't any point in talking about how I'm feeling, because it's "just a feeling." Well then, how about this being a feeling that's lasted for weeks?

Classes start soon.
I don't know if I'm in the right major.
Well, okay, I'm in the major that God wants me to be in. I think. But what if I'm wrong?
And it's not a major that I'm mad excited about right now.
I don't want the stress.
The schoolyear of 05-06 I ended up in the psych ward three times. All because of suicidality brought on by stress.
That can't happen again.

It's all pointless.
Honestly. That's what I see right now.
Even as Soulwings, I'm pointless. Useless. Worthless.

Maybe I'm listening to lies right now.
But I don't see any truth hiding anywhere.
So maybe this is the truth.

I don't know.

April, you are NOT pointless. You are NOT useless. You are NOT worthless.

Sweetie, HOW did your fiance acknowledge that you're a burden..are you sure that you aren't over analyzing it?

Your parents shouldnt have said that. You can talk about how you feel all you want on here with us

 

[BrokenForHim]

 

[Arianna]

Ari. I'm glad you're feeling a little better today. Do you want some hot tea? I'm thinking of having some chai or strawberry tea ... I need to relax some tonight.

I don't know. I mean, I have the nickname of "Superhero April" and I don't want to lose that nickname, because it encompasses so much of who I am. But at the same time ... even superheroes have to have times when they're just human. Spiderman became Peter Parker. He didn't have to be saving the world all the time. The Incredibles took off their suits and hung them up in the closet for the evening, and relaxed. And it feels like I can't do the same. I don't want to appear ... I don't even know what, I just want you girls to know that no matter what encouraging replies I make are really from my heart. That I can really empathise when I say I can, that I'm not just saying what I say because I think that it's "the thing to say".

hmm..true to form, i am accepting the offer for Strawberry tea two days after it was made

April, struggling doesn't make you unsuper. And your posts always come across as genuine, you do not need to worry about that.

Kate.

Well, I certainly don't see a point right now.
It's all struggle, struggle, struggle.
My fiance has acknowledged that I'm a burden.
My parents have told me there isn't any point in talking about how I'm feeling, because it's "just a feeling." Well then, how about this being a feeling that's lasted for weeks?

Classes start soon.
I don't know if I'm in the right major.
Well, okay, I'm in the major that God wants me to be in. I think. But what if I'm wrong?
And it's not a major that I'm mad excited about right now.
I don't want the stress.
The schoolyear of 05-06 I ended up in the psych ward three times. All because of suicidality brought on by stress.
That can't happen again.

It's all pointless.
Honestly. That's what I see right now.
Even as Soulwings, I'm pointless. Useless. Worthless.

Maybe I'm listening to lies right now.
But I don't see any truth hiding anywhere.
So maybe this is the truth.

I don't know.

i'm sorry April,
I know how hard it can be to feel remotely positive about anything when faced with so much school.

You are not pointless, useless, or worthless - whatever source of information you are using to define yourself as that is inaccurate. It does matter that you feel like this, and it is worth talking about it.