Temporary Separation

[AirForceTeacher]

My wife asked me to move out on Friday. Please pray for us.

She is hurt by my explosive temper, which we believe comes from the hurts my parents caused that I havn't forgiven. I also have very little faith in God and almost no relationship with him.

Right now my goal is to get back together as soon as possible. I know that's the wrong goal. Please pray that I will find the peace of God to firgive my parents and finally submit my life to God so I can grow as a Christian again. I'm entering brokenness, but I fear that in my laziness and rebellion I will avoid working on these issues and lose my favorite person on earth. I hope that in working on these issue for the wrong motive (gettign my wife back) I will connect with God enough to get the right motive (truly knowing and submitting to God)

Thanks.

 

[Tangnefedd]

It sounds as if you need to go to anger management classes before you even think of getting back together with your wife. Whatever the cause of your anger, your wife needs to feel safe, and that wont happen until you have dealt with it. This may take time, many months or even years, if your wife loves you enough she will wait until these issues are resolved.

 

[joshua_cheung]

My wife asked me to move out on Friday. Please pray for us.

She is hurt by my explosive temper, which we believe comes from the hurts my parents caused that I havn't forgiven. I also have very little faith in God and almost no relationship with him.

Right now my goal is to get back together as soon as possible. I know that's the wrong goal. Please pray that I will find the peace of God to firgive my parents and finally submit my life to God so I can grow as a Christian again. I'm entering brokenness, but I fear that in my laziness and rebellion I will avoid working on these issues and lose my favorite person on earth. I hope that in working on these issue for the wrong motive (gettign my wife back) I will connect with God enough to get the right motive (truly knowing and submitting to God)

Thanks.

She is hurt by you. Can she forgive you?
So don't try to get back together first until she really forgives you.

Try to find a place which live near to your wife. Show your love to her for example, send her a card, birthday cake, flowers, drive her to her office, buy food for her. Don't try to enter her house without her permission.

Do you remember the advices of your wife to tackle your temper? Try to follow your wife advices if she had. Tell her your progress about tackling your temper through EMail or by post.

She is hurt by my explosive temper, which we believe comes from the hurts my parents caused that I havn't forgiven. I also have very little faith in God and almost no relationship with him..

You lack of the word of God inside you. Try to find the words of God to tackle your anger. Memorize and mediate these words can help you a lot. Look inside your heart and let the words of God change your heart.
for example. don't judge, forgiveness, self-control, love others as you love yourself, humble.
Pray to God to soft your heart.


God bless you.

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

Actually the goal of getting back together is the best goal you can have. God can anything even your anger problems, you just havew to faith that he can do it. The first place you need to be is in church. To get past the problems you are having you will have to get right with God, so in order to achieve your goal you have to take it in steps. Get right with God and allow him to grant you the forgiveness that you need for your parents. This will come by faith and we know from the Bible that faith comes by hearing and hearing by the word of God. You need to be sitting under good doctrine every chance you get and listening to what it taught no matter how irrelevant it is.

Counseling is a good idea as well, I would suggest finding a good Christian counselor so that the advice they give does not conflict with the doctrine you are getting in church. A lot of prayer for your wife is in order as well. Pray that God will heal the damage you have caused. He will answer your prayers, we have that promise in Hid word. His grace is sufficient for all of our needs. Take things one day at time and spend as much time in the Bible and in prayer as you can, those are the answer to all of your problems. The first prayer might well be that God will open your heart to let you hear the message you need to hear! You say you don't have much faith but remember what the centurion told Christ "Lord I believe, help my unbelief", do not be afraid to take even your doubt to God and let him resolve it for you.

 

[katelyn]

There is a good book called Getting Anger Under Control by Neil T. Anderson. It has a Christian-based perspective about overcoming anger & resentment.

If you are not in a men's Bible study group, I would suggest finding one you can join. That kind of fellowship would probably be very helpful right about now.

And keep the lines of communication open with your wife, while respecting her wish for time apart. Maybe write her some letters.

God bless.

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

Excellent advice katelyn! Also do not be afraid to admit what you have done to whatever group you find and ask for their prayers for God's help in the matter. The adding of extra people to prayer gives an exponential return, it is written that where one can drive out a thousand, two can drive out ten thousand. Call every prayer line you can find and just ask for prayer, ask for prayer at church, at Bible study, and know that we here at CF are praying for you as well!

 

[SirKenin]

Anger management classes are teh bomb. I went to those myself. I could actually use a refresher course. lol. I should go back and get another referral.

I don't think hope is lost to be certain. She just wants you to demonstrate some change so she feels safe. Excellent. She's doing it exactly right.

No problem. Take the time to focus on your relationship with God. Your relationship with your wife will just fall into place after that.

 

[JesusInMyHeart]

Hi...

I do agree that anger management would help...

What is needed is your spirit to be healed. The only way to do this is to walk with God. To start living your life with the spirit of God within you. And the only way for you to do this is to forgive others and to forgive yourself and most importantly of all is to receive Jesus in your heart.

First of all forgiveness brings freedom. It brings with it the manifestion of the fruit of the Spirit: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Gal. 5: 22 - 23).

For the right perspective on forgiveness, we must go to God's Word and stay there. Did you know that "Forgiveness" is "the act of setting someone free"...Sin, by contrast, "Unforgiveness" is "the state of being in bondage"...

One of the most vital truths you can ever learn about God is that He loves you unconditionally, infinitely and tenderly. His love never changes. It is His nature. God's love and God's desire to forgive are inseparable.

What is the purpose, then, of confession if God already knows you have sinned, and God is willing to forgive you? The purpose is for you to come to grips with what you have done and the sorry position you are in. Confession is a reality check. And it's the key to your receiving forgiveness into your own life and experiencing the freedom that forgiveness brings.

If you do not admit to yourself and to God what you have done, you will not be able to experience what God so desires to give you...release from guilt and shame and new freedom to walk boldly in your relationship with Him.

Honest confession admits sin and asks for God's forgiveness and repentance defines a necessary change in behavior to live a righteous life, makes a declaration that one is going to pursue that change, and then follows through with actual change.

Confession opens the way to receiving forgiveness and enjoying a close relationship with your loving heavenly Father.

Forgiving Hurts We Didn't Deserve: ( I pray that this message will help you to forgive those that have hurt you before)....

Unforgiveness:

Hurt is unavoidable. Unforgiveness is actually a form of hatred. An unforgiving spirit is marked by hatred and you know you have such a spirit if:

-- you can't shake the painful memory of a hurt done to you

-- you can't honestly wish the offending person well

-- you want the other person to feel pain, suffering and hurt to the degree you believe you have felt them

The above is a spirit of unforgiveness...

Eventual Consequences:

Either you will stuff it inside you and keep it bottled up, where it will turn to bitterness, resentment, anger; or you will actively seek to retaliate against the person, taking vengeance in your own hands to repay the wrong done to you.

There is a way out of this condition. You can choose to forgive the person. Nobody can make you have an unforgiving spirit. It is an act of your will, a choice you make. You can also choose by your will to forgive.

We are commanded to forgive....

You are commanded by the Lord to make that choice. Jesus plainly taught, "If you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses" (Matt. 6: 14 - 15).

If you want to experience God's forgiveness, you must forgive others.

Reasons For An Unforgiving Spirit:

1. "Control": We want to make sure that the person who has wronged us is punished in the way we choose. The only way we can ensure that is to hold on to the person, even if it's only holding on to the person in our hearts. We refuse to let go and leave the person in God's hands.

2. Ignorance: Some people don't know how to respond to old hurts and painful situations. They have never been taught how to forgive and so they haven't forgiven. Or also, nonbelievers find it difficult to forgive others fully because they have not experienced forgiveness from God in their own lives. God's forgiveness to us is the model for our forgiveness of others. And in part, it is because of the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives that we are enabled to forgive and release another person fully.

If you are struggling with unforgiveness, ask yourself why you refuse to free the other person. What compels you to hang on to that hurt and memory??

Our Hurt Can Cause Us To Hurt Others:

Our hurt can also cause us to take out our bitterness and resentment on others, even those who may not have hurt us directly.

The Consequences Of An Unforgiving Spirit:

1. You will experience emotional bondage:
You memories may torment you, causing you to relive again and again the pain you have experienced.

2. You will experience damaged relationships:
You are likely to have relationships marked by anger and fighting.

3. You will suffer damage in your relationship with the Lord:
The Holy Spirit will continually bring your unforgiveness to your mind until you deal with it. You will feel deep restleness and uneasiness in your spirit until you do.

4. You will suffer damage to your physical being:
Unforgiveness puts an overload on the nervous system, and eventually a fuse will blow in some area of your body.

How To Deal With Unforgiveness:

The first step in dealing with unforgiveness is identifying the person who has hurt you. Your dealings with your hurt should never bring hurt to someone else.

Now talk to God. Be specific in how you feel and how much you hurt. And identify the debt...cite specific examples, such as places, times, events, conversations in which the person has hurt you. Talk to God about each person.

After you have talked to God, draw a line between all that you have said of your pain and the hurt that has occurred in the past. And declare, "By the grace of God, I release you tody. I refuse to hold these things in my heart and memory any longer. I choose to be free of the pain each have caused me".

Ask the Lord to help you. Confess to Him that you have harbored a spirit of unforgiveness. Ask Him to forgive you for your unforgiveness. Ask Him to release you of the pain as you take these steps. And believe, by faith, that He will do so. Choose to take a new direction in your life, one that is free of pain and bondage associated with old hurts and past sufferings.

The Results Of Taking This Act Of Your Will Are These:

- your memory begins to be healed

- you begin to see the person you have forgiven in a new light

- you begin to experience freedom in your emotions and in our ability to relate to other people

*************

All of the above information is from a book written by Charles Stanley called Experiencing Forgiveness...I would recommend this book for you to read as there is much more information that will help you...

May God bless you and lead you to His path of love, righteousness and hope..

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Wow! Thanks to all. I did not expect this much response so quickly!

As far as Anger Management goes, that is an issue I will be talking to our counselor about (he is a Christian, an Air Force officer like myself, and says that he has gone through the same narcissism and anger issues with his wife in the past.) We will be meeting the counselor together once a week, and I will be meeting our chuch's men's ministry pastor at least twice a month.

My wife and I met with our pastor today to set the boundaries of our separation with a neutral party. My wife is capable and willing to forgive me. She wants me involved in her life (after a couple weeks of a breather.) We plan to date, and during spring break next month, I am joining the family on their trip to see Grandma. I love my mother-in-law, way more than I love my mother even. I talked to her today and got some reassurrance from her. I was little abrupt, I even asked her if she loved me or loved her daughter's husband. Without uncertainty she stated that she loved me.

Thank you for your prayers and blessings. The impact of this separation keeps hitting me, then subsiding to peace, then hitting me, then subsiding. I just want the peace from God that even if my marriage completely bombs, I still have Him, and I am capable of repairing these hurts and having a happy life. Right now, I don't feel close to God, but I seem to be melting. Even though I've been a Christian (truly saved) for over 20 years, I havn't given Him the focus or the control, and I have nursed my grudge against my parents to this almost disastrous conclusion. Last week I finally admitted to God that He was smarter than me and I need to forgive even thought it's so scary. I'm beginning to forgive, but it seems a hard row to hoe.

I want to start my Christian walk over, reliving the path I should have. I hope that since I know much of the Word of God and much sound doctrine, that this will go quickly. My first step in my quest to meet God and submit is to study the Sermon on the Mount. Do any of you have any words of wisdom on this passage?

 

[EdmundBlackadderTheThird]

Brother, I am in tears reading your words, you are so open and honest. I know it is easy here where you are anonymous, but still it is amazing. You are on the right path for certain and it is obvious you will be giving God the right place in your life and that is all you need right now. Remember He said "I am with you always, even until the end of the world". I have felt alone and away from Him before, especially after my first wife left me. It was so hard for me to realize that He was right where I had left Him and it was me that moved. I have been in much your same situation and if you need any futher support don't hesitate to PM me.

 

[selune]

My prayers are with you and your wife. As an Air Force brat I remember the stress that would hit my dad and how it would affect their marriage. I hope you get closer to God on your renewed walk with Him.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Well, I stepped out last night. I called my Mom to talk about my pain and to tell her I forgive her, even though that may take years. It was hard. She said she was sorry, but it came with a side dish of excuses and rebuke to me for holding on to it for so long. After wading through it, I told her I forgive her and then asked her if my step-dad was capable of having the same conversation with me. She didn't think so, as he hasn't been to church in years. (He is a paradox. He'll be helpful and wonderful to anyone, unless he's related. Everyone at church talks about what a great guy he is.) During the conversation, something unexpected happened. Even though we were not talking about his childhood, except in passing, I felt strong sense of compassion for Dad. I grabbed a hold of the moment and told her to forget aboout him calling, that I forgave him. If he wants to call, I'll tell him again, but I don't need him to speak his apology to me. I know that the hurts arn't gone, and I'll make this choice to forgive over and over again, but I felt some peace. I'm still nervous about my wife and the separation, but I feel a little better about forgiving.

 

[E-beth]

God can take any relationship and build it up from nothing til it is better than it ever was. I feel God working in you even through my computer screen.

I am praying for you and your wife and your parents. Remember that He is in control of everything, and all ya have to do to renew your spirit is talk to Him about it.

God bless your mother-in-law for loving you as a mom. God has indeed provided help for your hurting heart! Your wife sounds like an equally loving person, and I pray you guys can work it out!

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thanks e-beth. I'm still struggling. I know that the things I have to work on run deep, as I've never worked on some of these issues before. I'm afraid I'll quit working or harden my heart. I did talk a friend who's now a pastor who said that the number one thing I must do now is become humble before God Almighty and seek Him for HIM.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I'm feeling a hardness of heart to ward my wife, and realizing that much and maybe (but I hope not) all of my love for her was simply in return for her love for me. Pray for me that God develops my twisted, needy love into a self-sacrificing love for her. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to continue this way either.

 

[Rage4Christ]

It seems you've been using many thinking errors to avoid emotional pain and introspective personal hard work.

Blaming others can be a way to shunt responsiblity. (your parents)
Clinging to others can be a way to avoid responsibility-- by putting it on them (your relation to your wife and God)

God loves you unconditionally. Once you realize this-- things come into perspective, and then you have to take a long steady look at yourself, be accountable and learn to learn what your emotions are telling you.

No excuses. Make healthy boundaries for yourself and everything: your relation with others and with God will fall into place. The work though, resides in YOU, not to be found by placing it on the shoulders of others.

peace!!!!!

And remember a Healthy rage-- is a good rage!

 

[Warrior Poet]

I'm feeling a hardness of heart to ward my wife, and realizing that much and maybe (but I hope not) all of my love for her was simply in return for her love for me. Pray for me that God develops my twisted, needy love into a self-sacrificing love for her. I don't want to lose her, but I don't want to continue this way either.

When your heart gives up your mind will too, then your mouth will allow that defeat to become evident. YOU CANT GIVE UP. Giving up isnt an option, You have a lot to re-learn before you can roll over and give up, or you are simply letting her get away and YOU have to live with that the rest of your life. Consistancy over the long haul is essential to victory. You have so many things you need to rebuild in your marriage, starting with your heart (which it sounds like you are on the right path). Its mutual resentment, you are putting your best foot forward and getting little to no response, its frustrating, its a blow to the ego, and it feels like no one deserves that, especially you. You have to keep in mind the shattering you did to your wife emotionally, most women dont harden "just cause", the man usually holds a huge role in that. In that case he also holds a lot of the responsibilty in trying to mend that. Chin up man the joy your heart will feel when she is back when she is fully yours once again, where you consume her thoughts and life, you will be the most blessed man in the universe.
MAN UP.

Get to know her again. Ask her three questions a day, write the the questions and answers down. Start with favorite color, flower, and ice cream. It means to much to them that you know all the littel details, and that just something a husband should know.

Warrior Poet

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I blew it again. I said "I love you" as we said goddbye at church. She didn't say it back. I found her a few minutes later and asked her why. She exploded "Did you just say so I would say it back?" I said not, but when she says it it is reassurring. I said that it made me wonder if something had changed. 'What makes you think anything has changed?" I said I was sorry , that I had meant to not bug her today.

I an so scared that the only way I will get myself aloone with God is if she gives up on me. I know that divorce is not God's will, but sometimes I feel as if God knows my pride is too much to give in to Him and He wants her to divorce me so He can give her a real man of God.

Her statement, "What makes you think anything's changed?" shoudl comfort me. It should remind me that her love in unconditional and won't go away, but it just condemns me for my lack of faith. I called my mom-in-law about my failure today, and she was encouraging. She did say that I won't fully submit to God until I feel like I have noone but Him. I don't want to actually lose my wife to find God, but I know that His will is noone but Him. Pray that I find myself alone in God without destroying the gifts He's given me. Pray that I can let go of my wife without pushing her away.

Even though I don't feel like I mean it when I pray, I'm praying for a total humility and acceptance of God's love for me. Please, you guys have been so great, I still covet your prayers and encouragement. Please pray that I can just shut my d^&* mouth and leave my wife alone to heal. I'm just so lonely right now, and I need to open up my eyes and know that God is right there.

"Lord I believe, help thou my unbelief"

 

[Warrior Poet]

*plays "Send me an Angel"*

Dear Lord send our boy an angel right now.

Amen.

Warrior Poet

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thanks, warrior! I needed that.