Temporary Separation

[AirForceTeacher]

cjba,

We did get into the issue of her going back to school to be able to support herself if we don't get back together. She was upset about me looking ahead to being single. I replied that if she can plan ahead for the worst, why can't I. She said because she's the one that's been trying to get me to go to counseling and work on these issues for years, and she doesn't trust that I will change.

She's worried. I'm worried. We've both spent too much time looking at narcissism websites, so she does look at me as a narcissist. I worry about it too. She said that she needs time to get over the worries.

A narcissist only cares about himself. A narcissist will do anything to keep from losing his source. She's worried that this is what I'm doing when I say I want to change.

Maybe that is what I'm doing. But I do want to do it right. I want to be the man she needs, but I'm truly afraid that I can't change. But if that's all she is to me is an interchangeable source of affection, then I'm abusing her. She deserves better. She deserves someone who treasures her. I don't always. I want that to be what we have.

 

[bkg]

I replied that if she can plan ahead for the worst, why can't I.

AFT - try to be very careful on this one. If she thinks you are plannin for post-divorce life, you'll have limited chances of her trusting that you have indeed changed from teh inside out. The #1 need of a woman (according to Jimmy Evans) is security. That's why she is planning for the worst. By you doing the same, she will feel more secure taking care of herself than by trusting you to be there.

I know it's not logical, but I've seen it in my own separation/divorce and discussed it with many friends. She needs to see that you are 100% dedicated to becoming the Man that God wants you to be - not the man she wants you to be (as they are not the same) - so that she may find security in that. You can't tell her that you are doing that, she has to see it in you.

Maybe that is what I'm doing. But I do want to do it right. I want to be the man she needs, but I'm truly afraid that I can't change.

Do it right by seeking God and making Him the provider of all of your needs (preaching to the choir here, I know...). The rest will take care of itself. The Man she needs is a man of God, a man with a heart for God, a man whose relationship with Christ is strong and solid, a man with confidence in himself, his God and his marriage.

Believe me, I know it's the pot calling teh kettle black... I've learned all of this post-divorce, but glad I've learned it just the same.

Hang in there and keep seeking Christ!

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Emailed my wife yesterday. She was really upset that yesterday, when I woke up so depressed, that I emailed her mom, but didn't talk to her about how down I was. She suspects, and is mostly right, that I don't tell her when I'm dpressed because I'm afraid of her reaction. DUH! That's exactly it.

So, I sent her a long email last night, and we're trying an email dialogue. I went out on a limb today and told her my worst fear.

I don't have a lot of faith in God. I'm afraid I'll completely submit, and then spend the rest of my life in bondage. No tenderness, no love but lots of regulations. Don't jump all over me, judge me and talk about how unbiblical it is (Desi, I'm talkin to you!) I was told I was loved over and over by my parents, but never shown it. Never. Not ever that I can remember. But, I had to believe that they loved me. If I accused them of not loving me, I got in trouble.

Now, I've been saved for almost 25 years. I have felt close to God maybe 5% of the time. The rest of the time, it just wasn't real. It was just going through the motions. I feel real guilty when someone says that God loves me and my mental response is "Oh Yeah? right."

I can't help it. I can't stand to be around people who gush about God's love. The ones who I can tell it's real, make me feel filthy and unworthy to call myself a Christian. The ones who I can tell are plastic Jesus people, I feel comtempt for them for believing in fairy tales. Me, a Christian for 25 years.

Now, since the separation, I've been trying to get over this hump. The beginning of the separation, I think I had my "new Christian" euphoria, 25 years late. I was crying when any MercyMe song came on the radio, reading and devouring the Epistles and the Gospel of John. But, relations with my wife got worse, because I was still afraid and wanting her reassurrance and affection. This pushed her away.

Now, I'm back to the old dryness, the doubts, the animosity when I hear Christianese. So I wonder, was it real, or just some wishful thinking when I felt that close to God.

I know. You're sitting there thinking, "You're not supposed to go on feelings. You're supposed to trust." That's fine when you have a dry spell, and you feel distant from God for a week or so. But what about 10 years? What about 50 weeks out of the year.

When I shared this with my wife, she told me that if I've never felt close to God, then I must not be saved at all. That was nice to hear. That was encouraging.

In her email tonite she wrote two things addressing this dryness/animosity:

honestly I'm not sure what to say. I know christianity is not a ground for seperation or divorce. So I guess you don't have to worry about that.

I don't understand how you can call yourself a christian and doubt everything that the bible says. That is scary.


I'm scared. If I can't get over this hump and really get close to Jesus, then I lose Him and I lose her. She and her mom are the two people in this world that I really knew loved me. Now all I know is Mom's love, I just can't trust my wife's because of the separation and the lack of affection. I don't mean no sex. I mean nothing. "Hi. Bye" Few hugs and kisses unless I initiate them. If I kiss her goodbye more than once, she takes note of it and brings it up later as evidence of my clinginess.

Touch is my love language. I've seen that this week with the kids. I am constantly grabbing them and pulling them into my lap for a hug, or kissing them spontaneously. They love it. Even my 12 year old son, who's now only 11" shorter than me and thinks he's really cool lights up when I do it.

I don't want a wife that can't handle that, but she feels so uncomfortable right now that she can't express physical affection.

It rolls around to the beginning. You can't tell me that you love me without showing it, and showing it the way I understand.

Does anyone else feel this way, or is this part of my insecurity and my personality disorder?

 

[cjba]

AFT,

You being a person of showing affection is not a personality disorder. This is exactlty what you mentioned "your love language" We all have our own love language and what we need to do in marriages is communicate with our spouse on the love language each of us have and find a balance. I don't see this as an insecurity; I see this as a blessing. Think how fortunate your children are to receive such love. I also am very loving with my spouse and children. Even my kids friends hug me and call me mom. They simply know the type of person I am.

She is uncomfortable with showing physical affection due to her insecurity in the relationship. She is most likely scared of getting attached and open hearted and being let down. However, this is not her responsibility to have expections of you. She should be there as your other half to lift you up when you are down. And you are do the same.

As for your faith: You are still in your walk and learning. It doesn't matter that it has been 25 years. It can be the rest of your life. God does not force anyone to love Him. He waits for us graciously for when we are ready. You and you alone will know when you have made that connection with God and truly feel saved. Until then continue to seek Him. Maybe you are concentrating on focusing on Him for the wrong reasons. Yes, He can restore your marriage but, you need to seek Him for Him and not for restoration of your marriage. You need to have faith that God is directing your path in life and He will not let you down. Give Him a chance to make changes in your life. You seem to be concentrating too much on the flesh. And it is not until we surrender our flesh that we can truly see Him.

I know when we want to see certain changes take place and they are not going exactly to our speed; it can be hard to accept that God is there. I know its hard for people to keep repeating the same have faith, believe, take it to Him. These are only words until you decide to open your heart and surrender yourself.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Yeaa! Had a real good talk on the phone with my wife!

 

[bkg]

Yeaa! Had a real good talk on the phone with my wife!

All I can say is Praise God, my friend! That's great!

 

[cjba]

Awesome!!!!

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Ok, keep praying! It's working

Her car died on the way back from her mom's on monday, so I had to drive out and tow her back. We had a good talk in the car on the way back, and some more good talks. With only one vehicle, this week I've just stayed home instead of moving back out and I'm sleeping in the guest room. But, we are getting along so well!

Also, the counselor this morning asked us, "So, what's going on with sex?" We burst out laughing, embarassed. He then said, "I could tell 15 minutes ago when you came in!"

My wife lay on my chest tuesday night afterward, crying her eyes out, saying that she hasn't felt safe around me in a long time and it felt good to feel safe again.

Praise God!

 

[bkg]

Wonderful news, AFT!!!!

 

[cjba]

AFT,


Amen!!

I am so happy for you two!!!!! I will definetly keep you two in prayer!!!!

God Bless

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Ach!

Rough day. She's having second thoughts about me getting a motorcycle, and we argued about it a bit this afternoon, but we recovered and watched tv all night together.

We're looking for a new (used) minivan, so please pray for wisdom and providence tomorrow in our car search.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Get a two seater then ATF.......

Praying and havent stopped yet.

Warrior Poet

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thanks, Poet.

Incidentally, do you still write? My new sig is from a poem I wrote about 15 years ago.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Write is an understatement..... I write a lot, not so much poetry.... actually started picking up the pencil and drawing a bit more... but Warrior Artist sounds funny.

I have some poems though, a very similar rythm too... but then again 15 years ago you were about my age. Hope I have as much strength and love for a woman as you do at 36.... in what you are doing I am in awe of it all... the struugles the victories the tears and the hugs.. the spirtual battle you face combined *shakes head and smiles*. Win or lose you will be blessed everyday abundently. You are an amazing individual AFT... godspeed to you my man, godspeed to you.

Warrior Poet

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Well,

I'm back, officially, today.

Thanks to everyone who has encouraged and rebuked me here. I plan to stay active on these boards.

Thanks especally to bkg and cja for your wonderful support and very kind "electronic shoulders!"

God bless all!

 

[desi]

Well,

I'm back, officially, today.

Thanks to everyone who has encouraged and rebuked me here. I plan to stay active on these boards.

Thanks especally to bkg and cja for your wonderful support and very kind "electronic shoulders!"

God bless all!

 

[bkg]

Well,

I'm back, officially, today.

When you say "back"... I'm assuming that you mean "home"!?!?!?!?!

PRAISE GOD! AFT - I am so incredibly happy for you. God can an does work miracles (still waiting for mine.. ).

Be very careful - I'm the kind of person that can easily fall back into "old habits". Pray more now than ever - I really mean MORE THAN EVER! As the journey hasn't ended, it's just begun!

Wow... I can't even put into words how wonderful it is to hear this!!!!

 

[Warrior Poet]

WAM!!

Warrior Poet

 

[sarah marie]

 

[cjba]

AFT,

This is so wonderful that the two of you are on the same road again!!! As bkg put it PRAY even more. God can do amazing things for us!

I read this and thought of the two of you.

If we go through trials with thankfulness and praise to God, He promises to bring good things despite them. He says to "count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience" James 1:2-3

An electronic hug to you both

God Bless