Temporary Separation

[AirForceTeacher]

Well, I'm definitely spending more time with God now. I was a Christian for 25 years, I knew I was saved, but my personal relationship with Jesus was lacking, due to fear and some childhood abuse.

I did my best to let my wife be and leave her alone since Saturday. Good talk Monday and had dinner with the family on Monday, then helped her with the kids by taking the youngest to b-ball practice. Yesterday, there was no time scheduled within the current guidleines, but she asked me to come fix her computer and thet ape deck. I went over there, did the tasks she asked and left. Boy, did that feel empty.

Today, I went to take the kids to school (per current boundaries) and just as I was saying goodbye to take her, she asked "Hey, I got to go to the craft store. Wanna come along?" Well, duh! WE had a great time today, even though we were shopping "girl" stores. I ate with the fam again tonite, then we went to church together. She even let me give her a back rub and cuddle her a bit tonight.

We talked during our time out shopping a bit. There's some communication problems we've had, and some compromises we have to deal with, but when I said to her, I think we're gonna be alright, she said "I never doubted that. I was just concerned about how you were going to react immediately"

Praise God for the wonderful wife He's given me. I just pray that He can give her just as good a husband.

Also, please keep praying for my transfer in the fall. We know we're coming back here after the next assignment. She mentioned today that she thinks I should take a remote tour (just me for 15 months) so she can keep the kids in the same school and just stay in the house we bought last year instead of renting. If we were not in the tight spot with our marriage, that wouldn't bother me so much, but I really don't want to reconcile with her this summer, move back in, then move away for 15 months. I want us to transfer together.

Please pray for God's will in the transfer, and God's wisdom when we make our choices for the transfer (I get to pick several places, then the Air Force tells me where to go, which may or may not be one of my choices. That's why they call it a dream-sheet! )

 

[robl]

Thank God that He cares enough to turn our world upside down to bring us to Him. I shudder to think where I would be now if He wouldn't have done that to me and just let me be "happy" in my circumstances without Him. I can see after coming through the other side of where you guys are how God had His hand in almost every detail of what happened. He shaped me and molded me into a vessel that He could use. Praise God!! Never forget His love for you even when satan is whispering his lies saying that God has forsaken you. He will never leave you or forsake you! (Hebrews 13:5) I will be praying for you.
In His love,
Rob

 

[robl]

AFT, it is good to here that it is going well with you and your wife. You must have posted while I was writing my reply to Deonte! I will continue to pray for you both and hope to see a similar post from Deonte soon! When you place your trust in God, He will never let you down!

 

[cjba]

I'm so excited for you. What a blessing to see that the marriage is getting on the right track. Isn't God wonderful!!!! Everything about your transfer situation take to God he will know what is best for your family. It may not be what you want but either way it will be the best outcome for your family. You're in my prayers.

Deonte,

You're in my prayers as well. I pray for healing in your marriage as well.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

My wife is really stressed by the kids. She let me hang out and help, and I tried to give her a back rub and hug her to help her get through the morning. We talked a little about me coming back and sex, but she had to get to work with school so she closed up a little. I called her a bit later and left an apology on the answering machine for bringing it up. I want to move back in so badly, to be normal again and try to put some of this into practice. I know she?s not ready, and I shouldn?t bring it up. I feel ready, but there?s so much possibility for me to screw it up. I need to be patient, and keep getting into the word and worship until the habit is even more fully formed.

I feel so much more compassionate for her, but she's still so guarded. I can't blame her. Why should she expect me to change so quickly? Why should I expect myself to change so quickly? I feel like I can do this right, but I've got to be patient. I'll be watching the kids while she's out of town for surgery in three weeks, then taking care of her during her recovery period. It's so close, but it seems so far away, especially because she's leaving town with the kids (going to her Mom's) for spring break, and I can't go with her. She's thinking about it, but right now she thinks it would be awkward. I guess I understand. I pushed a little too much. I asked "Awkward after the way the last two days have gone between us?" She quickly answered "No!" but she had to get to schoolwork with the kids and stopped talking. I hope she accepted my apology.

I told her she's worth the wait. She asked "Will you always feel that way?" I said "Well, if we're gettign along great by July and I'm still not at home I may be a little perturbed." She answered "Well, I have to make sure we're bickering around then." She's still got her sense of humor, and our marriage isn't destroyed, nor our friendship, but I've got to be patient, kinda like leaving your stitches alone after an accident even though they itch.

Thanks guys! I'm getting my wife back! I need to keep up the amazing journey I'm on with God right now and be patient. I don't want to be back to never reading my bible and praying once a week this time next year.

On my transfer: the likelihood of my going away by myself is pretty nil according to the assignments branch for my specialty, but I won't knwo for sure where I'm going until July. I won't even know what's available until mid-April

 

[cjba]

Whatever you do, do not ask questions about sex. This may be the last thing on her mind. She is hurt and needs time. How do you expect her to give herself in that way right now. Imagine it like you are dating and you have only been dating her for a few weeks. I hope you did not persue sex that quickly in the beginning of your courtship. You both are getting to know the new you with the changes taking place in the realtionship. Let her come to you. Show her affection and let her know she is loved and you will wait until she is ready. In time she will want to be intimate again. You want that to come naturally out of love not out of need. Pray for wisdom and patience in this season of your life. Even when your situation starts to get better don't forget that God was there for you in your time of need. If you think of God as your best friend always there for you; you're going to want to visit him in prayer. And the one of the great rewards in all this is that your children will see you seeking God and therefore you have passed the faith and belief in God to another generation. What a blessing!

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I know, I know, cj, I screwed up. I don't know what possessed me to ask her about sex. I wasn't talking about 'now', I was talking about in the near-mid future. Thankfully, she was ok with the question, and we got together tonite again to hang out, nothing really deep other than "I love you because ..." (one of her beefs with me in the past was that when she asked why I loved her, I said it was because she loved me. I'm now trying to give more concrete and healthy answers to the question.) She said tonite that she didn't pull away because the questions were bothering her, but because she simply needed to get working on the kids schoolwork and while she wouldn't have minded talking if I was helping her get things done, it wasn't the kind of things to talk about in front of the kids.

Our original boundaries were that we would talk about sex in 30 days. It's now been three weeks, so we're early, but she will actually be out of town with the kids when the 30 days comes up. I am more than willing to give her time in the sex area. She has been hurt in the past (before we met) sexually, and the porn habit that I had was hurting her far more than I realized. I rationalized it away because she had said that she forgave me and understood it because she had had porn issues herself, so I lied to myself that 'my marriage is different. if I only slip a little, nothing will really happen. it's not nearly as bad as it was 3 years ago.' Nothing like a little self-denial.

Tonite we just hung out, cuddling in bed watching TV, then I went home.

It's gonna be easy for me to skip devotions here and there because we're on the upswing. This separation while she goes out of town with the kids could be good for me to open the word instead of calling her when I'm lonely.

Also, guys, thanks for your prayers and encouragements. I have midterm exams next week that I'm almost certainly going to fail if I don't get some studying in the next few days (somehow squeezed in around the men's retreat) Thankfully, the midterms are only worth 20% of my grade in both classes, so even a 50 won't drop out of the possibility of an A in my classes. Please pray for discipline and discenrment when I sit down with my books.

Thanks all.

Deonte, how you holding up?

 

[cjba]

Believe me do not stop talking to God even when the situation seems to be taking a 90 degree turn. Like I wrote before been there done that (ha, ha) My husband and I went to a retreat, counceling and did devotions almost every night. Gradually we went back to our routine with work, kids, chores, etc. What eventually happened is I thought everything was fine. Then came in the blow, my hubby told me it was all a lie. He just did'nt want to hurt me. Of course now he denies that he ever told me this. I won't be caught off guard next time. I take all my worry to him. I have totally surrendered myself to Him. However, I am new in my walk (2 1/2 years) and I do have my low moments. I now see myself distancing myself from my husband. Tired of getting hurt. I'm at the point I feel it is time to say goodbye. Now my husband is wanting to try to work things out. He is going to go to counceling on his own. He is now coming to me. I'm not even excited about this. I feel this is in Gods hands and I'll let him guide the way. I have no expectations from my husband. God is the one I rely on. You should do the same it will benefit you greatly in your time of need. Go to Him when eveything is going well and thank Him. You and your wife seem like everything is going to be ok. Like I said before give her her space and she will be the one calling you home. You're in my thought and prayers.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thanks, cj.

I had another appt with the counselor by myself today. I'm just drained now. I know that its gonna be such hard road. I need God. I know I can't make it myself. I so identify right now, tonight, with the psalmist that cries out and feels that God is not listening. I'm at a men's retreat right now, so drained that I wonder if it's even worth it. Everything seemed so perfect last noght laying with her, now just empty.

cj, I'll be praying especially hard for you. Don't say goodbye yet. Wait on the Lord. I'm sure you're right now where my wife has been due my denial and lack of progress before.

I know she wants me back, but I sense that if I let that be my comfort I will fail. Great is the Lord and worthy of Glory. I'll pray for you and your husband right now!

 

[cjba]

I understand how you can be drained. In this time in your life you can get so emotionally wore out. Yet we still need to carry on with our outside lives. We still need to get up every morning and do our daily thing whether it be work or anything else for that matter. We should thank God for keeping up busy in this time in our lives. Imagine if we only thought of our problem all day. I would'nt be able to handle that! It's hard enough when I do think of our situation. Of course it is worth it where you are at. There may be a message especially for you. Or better yet you may be the one giving a message to someone there who is in need. Try not to feel as He is not listening. He hears your heart He does not always give us what we want when we want it. Be thankful for this trial He is so listening to you. You're reward is knowing your wife wants you back. You know she wants you back that is 100% for what you have been writing. God is going to give you both the gift of appreaciation for each other. A better marriage in communication. Imagine how much better your marriage will be once all the healing and changes have taken place. Don't seek comfort and satisfaction from your wife; that is the flesh. Seek comfort and satisfaction in Him and everything else will fall into place. Remember not our timing but His. This is why I haven't made hubby leave the house. This is the toughest situation I have ever been in in my life. I pray not to get a bitter heart. He has hurt me so much these past two years. I don't know what scripture it is (like I said I'm new in my walk) But there is one that gives the message if one is down the other will lift him up. I feel as this is taking place in our marriage. I feel as this is my husbands low time in his life. And as his wife this is my obligation to stick with him even if it hurts. I believe my hubby has a greater respect for me even though the love is not there. He is so low that at times he tells me that he does not deserve me because he knows he is hurting me. I told him it was Gods choice to put us together. He tells me he is sorry often but does not know where his feelings are. Actually he told me yesterday that he loved me. I did'nt get excited over it or anything like that (if you were to read my post) you would understand why. You need to give this to God he will not let you fail and he will not fail you. Thank you for the prayer. I'm praying for you and your family. You're in my thoughts have a wonderful day!!

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I bet you and my wife would get along great. I should bring it up to her and see if she would be interested in talking to you or emailing. She's not big on the internet thing, so she might not be, but it sounds like you and her are in the same place or have travelled some of the same haunts.

 

[cjba]

My hubby is the same. I suggested to him to go on this site. To date he has not. This is such an outlet for me and many others. I'm so glad its here. Sometimes it is hard to talk to people you know in person. They start to give their advise. And I might add not always Godly advise. If I would of listened to people I actually know my hubby would of been out the door about 1 year ago. Thank God for my kids this has not happened. (Even though I am close) I keep in mind the scripture 1 John 4:9-11 In this the love of God was manifested toward us, that God has sent His only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. I going to try to hold on to this. Like I wrote before I don't want to get a bitter heart. Soooooo hard at times. (ha, ha) I bet your wife and I would get along. I'm pretty easy going. I wish my hubby thought so. (ha,ha) God Bless!

 

[AirForceTeacher]

cj,

please pray for me and my wife. today went very badly. we talked a bit and the conversation wnet south, then got worse. She said that one thing she wanted to talk to the counselor about was that although she's given me four things to work on, she know they are things I can correct pretty easily, but that there's something else, something intangible that she can't even describe that she needs to see. I said that's not fair to me, because it doesn't give me anything to shoot for. I said I was worried that I'd do everything I need to do, but that we'd grow apart and not want each other because the separation was so long. I asked if she was worried about that. I then asked if she was already there. Bad day to ask that question

The conversation the rest of the day just kept getting worse. I finally told her that althought this was not what I wanted, if she felt she needed to end it and seek out a man of God that was what she needed, and what th ekids needed, I wouldn't try to stop it, but I still want to stay together. She started to cry a little and said "I want you to be that man, but I don't believe you'll do what you need to rely on God."
't persevere. I need God's help and I'm not sure I can do it.

I'm not planning on giving up, but I don't see how I can do this. I want to do what's necessary to rely on God totally, but I know that I won't on my own, and I don't know how to even keep the doubts that God even exists from crowding my mind, let alone giving up everything to Him.

I know that I've got to rely on God, but losing my wife hurts so badly. I know that I've got to put my walk with God first, then all other things will come, but I don't know how!

Please pray that the truth will set me free, and that I can give my wife to God without giving up, that I can just let God be God and Lord of my life. I'm just so weak, but I can't seem to let go.

 

[deonte]

It was incredibly hard to for me to beleive in God as well. There were times that I felt he didn't exist either. I was such a "LOGIC" head! However, God is NOT a logical being. He is anything but logical. God is always there and he allows things to happen, in order to bring you closer to him. Ultimately, it took my wife leaving, then all of my attempts to try to get back and failing, to finally bring me to my knees, surrender, and trust God. I'm still struggling with not being able to contact my wife at will, but I am convinced that God is real!!! It's all a matter of trust. If you "let go and let god"...and just trust that he will work it out you will see the light at the end of the tunnel. I know that's extremely hard to do, but EMOTIONS are the biggest barrier between you and God. He responds to faith, not emotions. What you are going to have to do is... let your wife be...continue to work on yourself...and ask that your wife be patient while you develope your realtionship with God. In doing so you will be in tears, it will feel as if your heart has been literally torn out, it's going to be extremely painful, because you are going to miss your wife like never before. But, in that pain...you will be forced to reach out to God...do just that....literally, with your arms stretched out to him....and I promise you....He will come!!!

 

[AirForceTeacher]

thanks, deonte.

I went for a drive a bit ago, listening to one of my pastor's sermons. It was about loss, and that after loss you need to dream again. I kind of decided that the marriage was over, at least the part I have control over, and started to feel alittle peace. Idon't know if that's what letting go and letting God is, but I know that no matter what happens with my wife, I need to rely on God and have Him at the center. Maybe I just need to accept that the marriage is over and then ask God "What's next? Carry me and let me rely on You." BUt in doing that, I feel like I'm still hoping that God will bring her back to me, and that feels like I'm trying to manipulate God.

I need to just let go and trust that with or without her, God loves me and will carry me. Pray for that ability, and for the midterm tomorrow that I still am not done studying for.


Thanks.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

BTW, yes I am a logic head. Sometimes that logic in my head gives irrefutable proof that God is real and designed us (take a look at the human immune system sometimes) but sometimes it defeats me and pushes my doubt level up. I can only assume that the latter times are faulty logic, beacuse I believe in an orderly, logical God. That doesn't necessarily mean that WE can understand the logic, but that what HE does and what HE is is logical to Him, and that is true wisdom.

"It matters not what we think of God, but what He thinks of us"

I'm starting to read "Ragamuffin Gospel." It's about grace and the complete freedom that God gives it to us with. I think it's gonna be hard to read, because my pride keeps welling up, but the core of the book is that grace is free, not based on worlks or personage, but on God. I'll probably have to read it several times to accept it, but I know that's the message of Christ I need to accept totally before I can rely on Him totally.

 

[cjba]

Aft,

Remember God is in control. Don't try to solve this problem in a week or even 1 month. The marriage did not get sour overnight. Yes, my friend you will have very low moments. I go throught them too. However, I have learned that this is exactly what is taking place, a moment. Your next conversation with your wife may be the best one yet. Don't give up and think the marriage is over. The last thing your wife wants to hear from you is permission to seek another. She said herself that she wants you to be that man. However, at the same time she needs to learn to seek God for her needs as well. She cannot expect to have a perfect husband for that does not exist. Only He is perfect. Marriage is about give and take. Sometimes it feels that our partner has taken everything out of us. That is when you get up and stand and show your spouse you're willing to put up that fight. When you receive these blows in your marriage or in anything in life for that matter, turn them over to God. Have you started praying for your wife? Sounds like she may needs God as well. I have been praying for my husband and I found a couple of prayers that may help you. I'll switch the "husband" part to "wife" -- There are times when you can't understand where your wife if coming from, what she is feeling, and why she is doing the things she does, unless you have the discernment of God. Ask God to give it to you. Lord lift up AFT eyes above the circumstances of the moment so he can see the purpose for which You created him. Give him patience to wait for Your perfect timing. I pray that the desires of his heart will not be in conflict with the desires of Yours. May he seek You for direction, and hear when You spak to his soul. We tend to think with our mind. I do the same and I pray to God to not let me say the wrong things to my husband. I want our marriage to work in a forward direction. Even when you feel like giving up. Don't let your wife see this side. If she knows that by talking to you is hurting you. She may think she is doing you a favor by not being as open. If she keeps her feelings inside her feelings will not get resolved. My hubby is going to his first counceling session alone tomorrow. Keep me in your prayers that God will somehow soften his heart. We had a bad weekend and I was ready to end this. My hubby offers no guarantee but he wants us to be happy. I did'nt really like this about no guarantees but it is a start. We all have to learn that our actions are a choice. When you truly give yourself do God, you can't help but want to select the right choice. AFT, your in my prayers. Rest and let God take care of your worry and this will free you to take care of your studies.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

cj,
I don't want to give up, I want to let go of her being the center of my universe so God can take that place. I guess I just want to make the choices that move her out of that point. I hurt so much right now, knowing that she's right. I won't make the changes necessary on my own, and I've never been good at relying on God. That's what I meant about giving the marriage up - giving up trying to make it work on my own, and trying to rely on God because I can't rely on my marriage or my wife to hold me up. I don't want a divorce, but somehow I thinkg the only way I can relyon God is if I convince myself that the marriage is less important than me relying on Him. I don't want to give it up, but I don't know how to give it to God.

I do pray for my wife, praying for her to have the strength to make the decisions she needs to make, and to not let me back in until God tells her it's time, and for her heart not to harden toward me. I pray for God's will for both of us and for our marriage.

I am codependent on her, way more than I ever thought I was. The separation was ok, I could thinkk straight and see straight as long as I knew that she wanted me back and thought we'd certainly be back together. Now I don't know either of those and I'm a wreck. My mind is not on God's love and power to save me, but on my wife's lvoe and power to save me. That's wrong. I don't know how yet to get my mind and heart centered on God, but I can't let myself quit or keep my relationship with my wife as an idol.

I'm going to another men's retreat the end of April.. This one is focussed on 'hurting' men, men who are afraid to face themselves and consequently afraid to face God. Please pray for me to open up more and more to myself and to others, honestly facing who I am so I can get the most out of this retreat possible.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Eudokia! Good will, the good pleasure of God, given to the unworthy because we're unworthy and He loves us!

I felt some release, some ability to believe in God and His love today, for me. I have to grasp that every day and act on it even when I don't feel it.

 

[cjba]

AFT,

I'm glad to hear that you do not want to give up. This is your first step. Your wife so far has not brought up divorce only seperation. Yes, it may be easier to think the marriage is over to be able to focus on God. But God does not ask this of us. I know its hard to give all this to God. You felt some release today. Grasp that as you stated and hold on. Letting go of your wife as your focus is very important. Relax and take a deep breath. God is waiting for you to speak to Him. He is waiting to take all your worry away. When you focus on the situation in the marriage this brings hurt. God does not want to see you hurt. He wants you to learn and follow Him. We all walk in baby steps in the beginning. And a hard walk at that when you need the spiritual side take over the emotional side. In time you will develop the faith to give all of this to God. I don't have to do this day by day any more. Just every now and then. I'm looking forward to when that will become permanent. When I feel in my heart that God will take care of this I feel so in peace. I pray that this will come to you very soon. Keep praying and your faith will come to you.