Temporary Separation

[AirForceTeacher]

Have you read the Ragamuffin Gospel?

"Living by the gospel of Grace leads us into what Teilhard de Chardin called the 'divine milieu' -- a God-filled, Christ-soaked universe, a world charged with the grandeur of God."

When I read that, I felt a surge of desire for God, and left the hurt and fear of losing my wife behind.

"Christ-soaked universe" What a blessed place to be spiritually! I've never wanted to be on fire for God because I felt that it diminished me. Foolish pride! The idea of living in that place is exciting to me now (we'll see at 3am, I'm still human!)

God loves me. I can't make Him stop, no matter what I do or say. My voice lifted to Him in prayer gives Him pleasure. What a concept, and I actually believe that it applies to me. Not just my pastor, not just my much more spiritual wife, not just my friend who reads his bible daily, but me too.

Praise God!

 

[cjba]

I have'nt read that book. Sounds good. You are 100% correct. God loves you and feels you are worthy. He loves all His children!! You better get some rest (on the computer @ 3:00 am). You mentioned that your wife is more spiritual than you. Then she already knows what the right thing to do is. In time you're hurt will be part of your past and an experience that brought you closer to God. My prayers are with you and your family.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I didn't mean that I'd be on the computer at 3am! I might be laying awake at night wanting my wife and missing her because I've acted like a human and taken my marriage back off the altar. Today, I'm struggling again, but I know the truth and am praying, trying to keep my mind on Him rather than searching for reassurance that my marriage isn't over.

What a wonderful God we serve, that He allows us into His presence by His choice and His actions.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Nothing really to say, just rambling ....

I think of my wife, the woman I love and desire to see her smiling back at me, but right now I only imagine her cross with me, her hurt look, her angry with me. And I deserve it. Whether I meant to or not, or both, I've hurt her tremendously and cast down her trust in me.

I feel God working in me (or my striving toward God clumsily, can't tell which sometimes) and know that I can do better if she'd only let me back, let me try. But she won't. She's hurt and needs time to heal.

I can't do anything. I'm stuck. My tendency as a man and my personality pull at the bonds that keep me from her, because I want to do SOMETHING. But I can't. This is where I struggle. This is where I have to give it to God. Pain sears my heart at the thought of losing her, but I can do nothing, only ask God and depend on His will, which is not always oour will. I also have to depend on my wife's will, which may not always follow God's. I can't control God and I can't control my wife I'm so helpless. This is where I need to give it to God, and let Him hold the reins, let him steer the ship. All those out there that have loved me so much, pray that for me.

Pray God's joy and God's perseverance. I need to trust Him. Sometimes I can. Yesterday I was able to give her to God. Today I'm struggling with it. Panic at losing her circles me like a puma circling it's prey, waiting for a moment of weakness.

Thanks to all, and keep adding to my "not-me" prayer list!

 

[cjba]

I know you want to be back home. But for now God wants you where you are at. If you were at home you most likely would be only concentrating on the marriage. In this seperation you are also focusing on God. It is so hard at times to give all this to God. Yet, it is something that must be done. When we struggle between our faith and our human emotions it takes its tole on you. I know God has something wonderful for you and your family. You're in my prayers.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I know I don't belong at home right now. Today was a wreck. I was trying so hard to just let her be and not say anything, and I blew it. I blew it big time.

In my insecurity and neediness for her, I even asked her if she was gonna file this week while she was out of town. She screamed 'NO' at me and said to get out.

I tried to apologize and explain later and she said "You think my word is ****. I told you I wasn't gonna make that decision no matter what you did for at least the first year." I tried to tell her that it wasn't because I didn't trust her word, it was because I feel so bad about myself that I'm constantly worried that I was gonna get so bad that she'd have no choice.

I crave her attention so much right now. I don't now why. Yesterday, I basked in the glory and full belief of God's love. Today, WHAM!

Tonite in our bible study I made a comment that the separation was my fault. A few minutes later one of the women in the group (who happens to be divorced) told me that it's never just one's person's fault, even though you may feel that way. I kindly thanked her, and reiterated that yes, it was my fault. My wife jumped in and said "I've tried to tell him that's not true." I don't know how to accept that.

I so angry and selfish right now I can't see straight. In my mind I'm fighting the possibility that she's lying when she says that, that she's just trying to look good in front of other Christians. But, I don't think that's true, even though the back of my mid is screamiing it right now.

Tonight, I have a bad attitude, the same selfish bad attitude that was the core of her asking me to move out. I'm fighting it, looking for the peace that comes from God rather than the peace that comes from apathy.

TO any who read this:

My wife (KC) has an appointment with the counselor tomorrow that she scheduled after our meltdown on Monday, then we have an appt together on Friday. I don't know what her appt tomorrow was originally scheduled for, but I'm afraid that my selfishness today will change what it's about. If she originally scheduled the appt to dump about me, fine, I deserve it. But if she scheduled the appt for another reason, I want her to have tomorrow despite my actions today. I don't want my selfishness to interfere with her growth. Please pray for her to get over today's mess and concentrate on what she wants to concentrate or or is supposed to concentrate on.

I want her back. I want to be healthy. I want to rely on God. I'm so angry and selfish and stung tonite that I know every motive I've got is wrong. I need God, but I don't want Him. Even in my lack of desire, I'm still gonna pray tonite, because I know God wants me back, and I do know that He's the best thing around, even if I'm bitter tonight.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

She forgae me last nite. I talked to her for a few minutes before bedtime, I told her I was sorry for my selfishness yesterday, and she forgave me.

Today, I woke up apathetic (again) and called a counseling pastor I will soon be seeing, along with my current counselor. He said, don't spend any time worrying about the marriage and whether you still love her, or whether she still loves you.

I tried hard to do that today, been up and down. When I went over to the house to watch the kids for her, she was very terse and would only let me kiss her on the cheek. That hurt, but I stifled everything I could except to tell her as she drove off "I really love you." I hope she had a good appointment with the counselor today. We've got a joint appt tomorrow and I'm not sure if I'm gonna like it, but if it helps us, I'll have to endure it. If I get what I deserve tomorrow, I'm getting both barrels.

 

[Warrior Poet]

Dude I just read the last post, my deepest appologies for not catching up. RIGHT ON BROTHER, that is great news, you got to kiss her on the cheek!!!!! WOW!, do you know how lucky you are right now, this IS the best thing ever, remember that DONT ever take this for granted. EVER! And counciling you have reached a pivital point BUT A LARGE STEP, remember this you have the rest of your life to be with this woman, take at all babysteps neccesary, the walk will be well worth it. You have been very blessed my friend, very very blessed, Keep God in there too.

I wish i could you hug you man. Good Luck at tomm.

Warrior Poet

 

[cjba]

AFT,

This is not a bad that she let you kiss you on the cheek. Yes, it's different but not bad. Remember you both have to get to know each other again. In her counceling session most likely it will not be about bashing you. The counselor will touch base on her issues and then go to the bible. God does not like divorce and your partner was made for you. Focus on this is a stepping stone to get you both into a better place in your marriage. The woman and your wife at the bible study were right. This is not all your fault. Whatever you may think in your mind this was not at all "only" your fault. It takes two to make a marriage strong and one weak. Yes, it is hard to rely on God and maybe even angry towards God for what you are going through. God only saw that something was wrong and needed change and he stepped in. We become stronger and better people after we come out of a trial. He is our father and you as a father can relate. When your children do something wrong what do you do...you get their attention to teach them a better way. That is what God is doing in your relationship. Is this something that you want to go through. NO... was anything changing prior...NO. Now He has both of your attention. I know this is not what you want to read or hear people tell you that this is why. Especially when we are controlling people. We don't like not being in control of a situation. You're still trying to be in control by wanting change now. Keep praying for wisdom and strength in this time in your life. You need God right now more than ever. He will be there AFT, just have faith. It seems to me that your wife has been trying to communicate with you and feels that you are not listening. Men tend to want to fix things and you want this fixed now. She is telling you she needs time. By you suggesting that she is going to file which apparently she already told you she won't. I can see that she feels that you are not listening. You need to be the best listener if you have ever been in your life. Picture this as one of your classes and you need to pay attention to understand the chapter. After all this is only a chapter in your life. One day you will look back at this and see that this made you a stronger and better person. Ecclesiates 5:2 Do not be rash with your mouth, And let not your heart utter anything hastily before God. For God is in heaven, and you on earth; Therefore let your words be few" God Bless.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I'm so afraid that I'm gonna get better, get my head on straight with God and find out that I never did love her, I just clung to her in codependence. I don't want that.

This is a silly fear, because at least twice during the separation I have felt a longing for her that was not accompanied byt panic/misery/desperation.

Maybe the bulk of my attraction to her is my neediness, but I need to have faith that God will put in my heart the correct love for her if I ask for it, and ask for Him to nurture and grow the love that is there.

I pictured tonite (about 5 mnutes ago in fact) me realizing that I don't love her, but the two of us getting back together anyway. I pictured myself acting out love for her and the kids everyday, putting her first over all of my wants, treating her as if I thought the world revolved around her (in the proper romantic way, not the clingy codependent way) and that those actions would grow a true, romantic, zesty love for her. I was wondering if that was plotting or manipulative of me or unfair to her. Then I realized, that is the basis for love, putting things aside whether you feel the spark or not. That my self sacrifice could create the spark in both of us.

One time about 6 years ago, we were in a slump. We had just moved, money was tight, we were so cranky with each other. She went out of town on a women's retreat in church, expecting to be back early Sunday afternoon. She was selling Creative Memories at the time, and had scheduled hir first class at our house that night. Well, afternoon wore on and she was nowhere to be seen. I knew she had a class, I knew she wouldn't have time and that it could wreck her new business in this town. I gathered the kids together and we went through the whoel downstairs cleaning and straightening up. I got out all of her CM stuff and her tables and set them up as best I remembered her displays. I set up the coffee maker and a plate of cookies. She walked in the door, almost in tears about 45 minutes before the class started. She turned the corner, saw the clean house and all of her CM stuff ready and she just melted. That act of kindness on my part hit her heart. She did a spontanous act of kindness for me the next week. Then I reciprocated. Then she did. It started a very good period in our marriage, where we kept trying to please the other one.

Now, before you guys congratulate me, I don't think I was thinking of her feelings when I did it. I was mad that I had to clean, but happy to set up her table/merchandise. I won't dare claim perfect motives in doing it for her. But, the period in our marriage following that was very nice.

I hope that whatever our 'spark' or 'longing' for each other, that we will both get another chance to do that for each other and mean it. I know that God's will is for us to stay married, but I also know that God didn't intend for it to be a dutiful loveless marriage. I pray for the chance to serve her whether I feel the spark or not, and grow my love and romantic feelings for her.

She's a special woman. I don't always realize it or feel it, but she has been very good to me. Even though our friendship has been sick, maybe for the entire time we've known each other, I think we could be best friends again, but I want to do it healthily

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Today's appointment went very well. Ok, I was ecstatic afterwards. My wife doesn't want to leave me, is encouraged by my progress, as is the counselor and still doesn't understand why I keep thinking that a divorce is coming.

Having said that, it's not like I've moved back in! Actually I have, but that's because she went to grandma's with the kids, so I'm watching the pets.

My prayer is that I can make it this week without calling her once, to rely on God and on my band of brothers (and my brothers and sisters online.) I'm terribly dependent upon her, which explains my overreaction to this morning's counseling. Granted she and the counselor thought that today went well, but I was ecstatic about it, and ti was a struggle to discipline myself to go to God. I'm still so dependent on her that I don't always feel I need God. I made myself read Phillipians and some psalms and go through my entire prayer list before I got online tonite.

I know that my moods swing wildly in response to her affections/words toward me. I know that this is unhealthy for me and for her. My counselor told me to day that my extreme dependence and narcissism would ordinarily call for 200-300 sessions (twice a week for 2-3 years.) That's scary. I don't want to be separated from my wife for thath long (not that separation would necessarily be mandatory during that time.) He said the only way for me to get through this any faster, or indeed at all is through spiritual intervention. Funny, that's what all my Christian friends say too! I've got to rely on God instead of my wife.

That's gonna be hard work. I don't have the discipline and perseverance for that. Heck, I barely even study for my master's classes and I LIKE computer graphics!

I need a spiritual awakening, a miracle in my life. The funny thing is, I think God's been working that for the last three weeks, but it's not a silver bullet. I know there are tough times ahead -- sleeping in my own bed by myself tonite, knowing that I'm separate from my wife not only for my behavior, but for my personality itsself. I need to cling to God in those moments, and learn fm those moments to cling to God when everything is fine, like it felt after the appt today.

Pray for me, and give me prayer requests to keep me in God's presence and to help me work on my self-centered nature by serving others in prayer.

 

[cjba]

Thats great that your conseling session went well. First you need to remember if you can imagine a few circles arround each other. In the first circle there is only you and God and nothing should interfere with this relationship. In the second circle is you and your wife. In the third circle is your child/children. In the fourth circle is parents and siblings. In the fifth circle is all other relative and close friends. In the sixth circle is your co-workers and people you associate with on a personal level outside of family. The seventh circle is your enemies. All these people in these circles are people to love. But the most important and intimate is the one with you alone with God. If you can keep this in this order you will not fail. Pray for patience and wisdom. God know exactly what he wants from you and you are on that road. You are in my prayers. Please give your wife this week by not calling her. She needs her space. She will be thankful for the gift of space for the time being. You're in my prayers.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thanks for your prayers. I've been a nutcase this weekend, struggling with doubt both in God and in my love for my wife. I havn't called her for naything except business, but yesterday she called me about car trouble and could sense that I was struggling and asked if I was OK. I spilled out about how I was hurting and how I was doubting if I loved her truly. I asked if she thought I loved her and she said "As much as you are capable of it" I asked her if she thought I could love her healthily and she said "I don't think there's much you can do by yourself." I asked her if she thought God could give me the love for her, and she said "Yes, but you've got to be willing to do the work necessary." She did say that she still loves and wants me, and she initiated the "I love you" at the end of the conversation.

I'm a wreck. I'm not sure if I believe in God or if I love her, and I feel sick inside at the thought that my marriage could end even if I get healed, and that I caused her this pain. I'd feel guilty the rest of my life. I told her that after I get through this I plan to love her sacrificially and perform acts of love even if I don't feel it. She said that sounds kind of dry and empty. I told her that that's not what I wanted either, that I would be praying constantly for God to give me the feelings to go with it.

Everyone around me tells me that it's obvious that I do love her, from my mom-in-law to the new counseling pastor I just met yesterday to my prayer partners. I'm talking to our marriage counselor by myself today, pray it goes well, pray that he can help me life some of these defense mechanisms.

Thanks to all.

 

[cjba]

I don't know exactly how to describe this. To me with the idea that you may not love your wife is more a barrier you a trying to create. We all are human and you are trying to shield yourself from the hurt. Of course you love your wife but, you are developing maybe some resentment. You need to pray for this to leave your thoughts. I agree with your wife in what you told her sounded dry. I know what this feels like...it hurts. She does not need an explanation of the affections you give her. Just do them no matter what you are trying to work out inside of yourself. Sometimes it is better to leave things unsaid. When my husband would give me a hug and then tell me that he is trying even though he feels nothing was more of a stab in the heart. Might as well said nothing and let the hug speak for itself as in "I'm trying". That would of been louder than the actual hug itself. We went to our conseling session today. It went ok. I myself have started to create the barrier of protection. This is not good and I am praying about this. Our counselor shared this with us. I hope it may help you both.

The Ten Commandments of Marriage
1. Do not expect a perfect marriage, there will be problems and conflicts. John 16:33
2. Accept your mate as they are, do not compare them with others. Proverbs 5:15-20
3. Have reasonable expectations, do not strive, be content. Philipians 4:11-13
4. Have grace towards each other, you are both sinners. Roman 3:23
5. Choose your words carefully, do they edify. Ephesians 4:29
6. Do not keep a record of sins, the past is past. Jermiah 31:34
7. Be quick to forgive, like God. Colossians 3:13
8. Know you are in a spiritual battle, pray. Ephesians 6:10-18
9. Bring God into all your problems. 1 Peter 5:6-7
10. Live with hope in God, he is your future. Titus 1:2

God Bless and keep up with the praying.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Yesterday was so terrible. I feel so out of control. My doctor spent our whole session yesterday talking about my feelings toward suicide, and last night his partner gave me a presription for Prozac. I talked to several people yesterday and they all said the same thing. Just do it. Just believe in God an dignore the doubts. Get up and do what you need to do no matter how you feel.

My wife was on antidepressents a few years back. I now know how she felt before she got them, and it makes me sick the way I treated her back then. She went five months feeling depressed and suicidal before she got the meds, and she still got up and did what she needed to do every day.

I asked her yesterday if she still wanted me and she said you already know the answer to that question. I pressed her and she responded "I don't want this you. I want a strong healthy you." That tore open my heart. I'm don't have the aapproval or acceptance of the most important person in my life. I need to cling to God, but the doubts are all around me.

Please pray for me to know God is there even if I can't feel Him, to make the decision and believe in Him every day.

 

[cjba]

Yes, you need to give this to God. I know this is hard for you. You feel out of control right now. Try to imagine the future even though we don't know what this holds for us. But you were not in this emotional state a few years back and you won't be in this exact state in a few years. This is a stepping stone to a better you. The medication should help you quite a bit. My sister is on the same medication and this has done wonders for her. She seems to be in a more positive mode. I can't stress enought that you need to stop asking your wife questions. I was the same way in the begining of our trial. In my experience I found out that by asking questions I was only hurting myself. The answers were always the ones I did not want to hear and accept. The answers always seemed to hurt. You are looking for the response of come home and I love you. This answer is in your wife but, you need to give her time and space. It is as if we are seeking punishment for ourselves to hear the negative. I'm sure you have heard in your life to avoid negative surroundings. Seek positive people. This is very similar; start to show your wife the positive and the positive will be returned to you. It wasn't until I stopped asking the questions; surrendered myself to let God be in control; see the changes in me through following Gods direction that I can honestly say at this moment that our situation may have a future. The positive is coming from my husband now. He has stepped up to the plate. This is a new beginning. Is it where I want to be in our relationship, of course not. Is this a road to something that may be promising - yes. Are there any guarantees - no. Am I hopeful, yes through God. For only He knows what is in our future. You do not need your wifes approval or acceptance. The only one you need to please is God and He will take care of the rest. I've been there not feeling God at a particular moment but, He is. I'm sure you know the poem "Footprints". If you were to start focusing on God as much as you are in your situation. I'm positive you will begin to see changes in your life. You need to stop beating yourself about the past behavior. The past is the past it can not be changed. Therefore, no reason to dwell on it, only learn from it. You need to start with today. Yesterday is gone and we don't know about tomorrow. Take it day by day. Start your day with prayer to start the day with a lift. I'll pray for you tonight. God Bless

 

[AirForceTeacher]

I'm realizing this morning that my relationship with God is still tied to my wife. I want to have a relationship with God, but I keep faltering, keep doubting. I know it's because I don't believe I deserve anything good, and I know He's really out there, but I can't seem to make the connection.

Thanks for your prayers. The outpouring of love I've received from those around me and online should be enough to prove God's existence and love for me, but it doesn't somehow. I just have to keep asking for His mercy on my mind and ask Him to reveal Himself to me in a way I can't deny.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Why won't God show His face to me? Why won't He help me fight the doubts, the beliefs that He doesn't exist. I'm teetering on the edge her, unable to do anything, unable to believe in Him and trust Him even though when I do decide He doesn't exist, there's something in the back of my mind that doesn't agree and still prays?

 

[Warrior Poet]

.......... unable to believe in Him and trust Him even though when I do decide He doesn't exist, there's something in the back of my mind that doesn't agree and still prays?

My friend THAT is God the undenibale evidence you are requesting is right there in your own words.
When we need Him the most we get attacked the most, that simple that fact you are able to make clear and conscience observations about yourself, God, and your wife then my man you are one step ahead of most people in your position. A cant trust a man that has never doubted his faith, or the base of his faith. It none the less is still that mans faith.
As long as your heart beats you will love God and as long as your your hear beats you will love your wife. Dismissing God doesnt dismiss the fact the Hes still there.

Much Love bro, one day at a time.

Warrior Poet

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Thanks, Warrior.

I'm feeling like I'm a little closer to God, even though I'm not on a high right now. I just want this to end. I want to trust God properly, without the 'condition' of knowing that I'm gonna get my wife back.

I've been diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder by my counselor. I agree with him. I looked online last night for information about it. It's pretty depressing. I found an online suppport group for 'survivors' of NPD relatives, and it's all condemnation and snide remarks about when it's time to leave your husband or cut off your siblings.

I thank God that my wife is able to separate with the hope of healing. My counselor hiimself went trhough therapy for this a few years back, with many of the same symptoms. He's now a warm, compassionate guy, but he's not a pushover. I'd like to be like that. It looks like a hard road, but the first steps are going to be getting closer to God and submitting to Him. I feel like I can do that, but it still seems tied to getting my wife back. I was feeling like I was alone tonight, but I ealized that whether I feel Him or not, I'm not alone. No rush, no feelings, but I was comforted anyway.

Keep praying. I have another counseling appt tomorrow with a pastor who specializes in men's counseling. It looks like it's gonna be once a week counseling with the psych (both my wife and I) and every other week counseling with the pastor, plus any time I spend with my "band of brothers" from church.

Thanks for the support. Sometimes I take it well, sometimes not, but thanks!