Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[Lady Bug]

Hey Becky, Katey and Soulwings

Ladybug, good to see you back again. I'm sorry to hear about the weight gain that sucks... but I am sure you are still beautiful. I know you are inside, anyway. It's tough, I know, and I don't know what else to say, really, since it's so hard for you to seek treatment (not your fault I know ).

I'm back - not a ton of things to say but I'm thinking about you all I tend to suspect what is contributing to my eating triggers (well, something that is partially responsible) - I think eating above a certain level of cane sugar can really do this to you. I don't know about you - but man, after eating, say, a cookie or a little of ice cream - BAM, I want to eat the whole thing almost. There's something about it that does not do me justice.

Plus, things like depression and all seek comfort food, and there you have it.

anyway - question for you Soulwings - I have noticed you sometimes type numbers as words. Is this permissible here or do you advise against it overall?

...

 

[beckybooiloveu]

You said the right thing, Bec, don't worry. And your metabolism is so slow 'cause you're not eating!!! If you eat more, then your metabolism will get less sluggish, and you will be able to lose weight if you have any that you need to lose. Love, please, eat. You've got to, especially since you're going to be resitting that exam, and working so hard, and all of that. What Ladybug said is right.

I rebel against those who say that fat is not a feeling. It is!!

FAT IS DEFINATELY A FEELING!!! im with you april! i feel like im eating because im not hungry but then when i think back on the day each day i either havent eaten anything or have only have a tiny tiny bit to eat or drink. i drink lots of water though. i do have weight to lose. actually, i went home on the weekend and i weighed myself. I ahve lost a fair bit of weight in the last week number wise, but i dont feel like i ahve. i feel gross still.

just hought id pop in here to say hello, hope everyones ok x

KATEY!!! *tackle hugs* im glad you popped in! i have been thinking about you! how are you going?

And Bec, how're things? everyone else? (anyone else?? *echoing empty thread*)

It is pretty empty isnt it... im okish apart form what is mentioned above. I am studying for my exam which is on thursday atm. I ahd an interview this morning for a job at the coffee club and have a trial on saturday for that which is good. And my grandparents arrive from new zealand on thursday which is exciting and i get to go meet them at the airport with mum since i will have finished my exam by the time they fly in... we are meant to be going out for dinner too :S
i cant believe christmas is so soon! these holidays (if i can call them that) are going sooo fast!
anyways... betteer get into this study!

I tend to suspect what is contributing to my eating triggers (well, something that is partially responsible) - I think eating above a certain level of cane sugar can really do this to you. I don't know about you - but man, after eating, say, a cookie or a little of ice cream - BAM, I want to eat the whole thing almost. There's something about it that does not do me justice.

Plus, things like depression and all seek comfort food, and there you have it.

anyway - question for you Soulwings - I have noticed you sometimes type numbers as words. Is this permissible here or do you advise against it overall?

My mum is like that too ladybug. if she opens a block of chocolate she finds it hard not to eat the whole thing. Especially if she is feeling low or lonely. but lately she has changed her whole outlook on life and is doing alot better and not buying chocolate or sugary junk foods at all. if it isnt in the house, then it isnt there to eat. its helped her alot and she has lost alot of weight since her change in attitude... and that in turn is making her alot happier as a person and about everything as well..

numbers in words are ok if they arent something that is likely to trigger, like weights, weightloss or gain, calories or amount of food eaten etc...

 

[Soulwings]

Lady Bug (nice name change, hehe) - some numbers are okay typed out, like years and dates and things, but - as Bec said - weights, number of pounds, calorie amounts, etc., aren't advisable. I hope that makes some sense. *can't remember how many numbers she's typed out in words* I think I'm pretty careful to avoid triggering numbers, aren't I?

I hope that discovering what can be behind your longing for more sweets will help you overall. Keep fighting for stabilization if not recovery.

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Bec, sounds like you're still wicked busy!! Please try to eat... even if you're not hungry, you've got to eat. You know your metabolism is slow... the only way to speed it up is to eat. Trust me, I've been struggling with this since oh six.

I hope the meal with your grandparents goes well. I'm sure you'll do fine - just make sure to eat something and not purge it or overexercise. You need food.

No matter how much weight you lose, it's never going to feel like enough, love. You probably know that by now; just thought I would remind you. Hang tough... and try to take some you-time sometimes, okay? if just fifteen or twenty minutes. Read, or play an instrument/sing, go for a walk (but not an overexercise-y kind of walk), etc.

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I'm doing okay. Hanging in there, mostly. I've been grazing a lot in the past few days, since I've been home (apartment) without much else to do. (Well, I lie - I have prep for exams to do, but that's hard to be motivated to do... all I want to do really is sleep.)

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s for all.

 

[Soulwings]

Bumpppp............

How is everyone doing? Hopefully not struggling loads and loads... :-(

I'm hanging in there. Trying not to think about the fact that a lot of anorexics (I've got EDNOS-R) turn to bulimia... and also trying not think about how my dad commented on my sweet tooth... just being home without anything to do makes me want to eat, which in turn makes me worried about my eating too much and gaining weight again, and then purging, and bringing on a whole 'nother cycle of hell.

 

[Shannie]

Hi All!!

Sorry I've been absent lately. I have been reading but not really up to posting. ED is ok although I'm struggling a bit more right now. I'm still fighting so hopefully I can keep from sliding too far. I have just been really stressed out with life in general and everything I've got to worry about right now.

I'm sorry to hear everyone's having a rough time right now . I'm sending lots of hugs and happy thoughts to all.

I've got to get to bed but I just wanted to say hi and I'm thinking of you all.

 

[Soulwings]

Shannie So glad to see you back, even if for a brief post and update. Sorry to hear that you're struggling still... but proud of you for fighting. Will be praying for you. Hang tough, love... you can make it.

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[Celtic Camel]

so, rather than depress the coffee shop, hope noone minds me here...

everything just seems too hard... still doing the counselling thing... the dietician I started seeing is no longer available on the days i have off work (maybe I could ring and work something else out, but don't want to be a hassle), my hormones are totally out of control so my skin is horrible & other weird things are taking place with my body, doctor assured me it wasn't meds, and now after a couple of months, a number of different tests etc., he's decided it might be, but 'cause I'm so mentally low at the moment it's not worth the risk of taking me off anything... and now I'm on Seroquil (?) as well... only a tiny dose, but whatever.... I'm just at the point where I turned around and admitted to being beyond desperate and out of control with eating & s.i. thoughts and you know where that leads... so I said I'll do whatever he suggests... (except eat, cause I've hardly lost any weight & i've hardly been eating as it is)... my counsellor seriously thinks I should be in hospital to give myself a break, but if that happens I can almost guarantee saying goodbye to my job (which I love! usually)... and work keeps saying that they support me, then that my work isn't up to standard and I don't show initiative, so they've put me in one area so I can focus and not stress, but it's more stressful than where I was before, and... I've never wanted alcohol before, but even that seems a welcome relief lately.... .... :'( .... .... well, you get the idea....
ARGH!!!!
so, anyone out there want to pm me about effects of Seroquil? (don't know if I spelt it correctly, but can't be bothered checking, sorry)

ok, so there's my life...if God wasn't so intent on His own plans, I may not be here...

sorry i'm no fun

vent over... the end...

vent over...

 

[Soulwings]

PM'd you, Lisa. Hang in there, love. You can make it through this. So sorry to hear about all of the things that haven't been going right - but please, please, please try to get back into the swing of things with your N. You need the appts to get you back on track with eating - and the reason you're not losing weight is because you're hardly eating. Your BMR - basal metabolic rate, the number of kcal your body burns doing nothing except lying - is so low because you aren't eating enough. If your BMR is low, then you have the potential effect of weight gain because your body is in starvation mode and stores everything you eat as fat. This does NOT mean stop eating entirely. You need fuel, to keep working and living. Please get back in touch with your N. I can't stress that enough. Love you, beautiful. You can make it through this. And, as I said in my PM... alcohol is not the answer.

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How is everyone doing today?.......

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I'm hanging tough. Having difficulty eating without Jarrod around to push me - finals are over so I'm at home all by myself, and I would go somewhere but my car's tires are going flattish and it snowed a bunch, like five or six inches. He'll be home in a little while, but still... the day seems endless.

 

[Lady Bug]

Seek professional help that is not related to the church. I promise that they can help.

why should it not be related? just asking.

 

[Criada]

Praying for all of you.. it seems to be a hard time for everyone at the moment
But, God is with you, and He has a plan in it all..
Hang in there

 

[katey]

AAAAARRRRGGGHHHAAARRGGHHARGHARGH :CRY:

sorry everyone not having a good time right now

 

[Soulwings]

Awwwh Katey love Praying for you, sweetie. Anything we can do?

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Not doing so well tonight. I think I ate "too much" ... I know I had enough and not too much, but emotionally I feel so very disgusting. I am remembering bits and pieces of things from when I was really sick and wishing that I'd gotten to a lower weight... just not a good night for me, really... been struggling more lately with getting enough to drink, too... now that school is out for a month, I'm not drinking all day and sometimes simply forget to drink anything. I don't want to get too dehydrated or anything... but... I don't want to have to make such a conscious effort to drink. I don't want to have to work at keeping healthy... either let me be sick or make being healthy easy, for once.

 

[Lady Bug]

AAAAARRRRGGGHHHAAARRGGHHARGHARGH :CRY:

sorry everyone not having a good time right now

I'm never really having a good time Weekends only make it worse, unfortunately.

Awwwh Katey love Praying for you, sweetie. Anything we can do?

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Not doing so well tonight. I think I ate "too much" ... I know I had enough and not too much, but emotionally I feel so very disgusting. I am remembering bits and pieces of things from when I was really sick and wishing that I'd gotten to a lower weight... just not a good night for me, really... been struggling more lately with getting enough to drink, too... now that school is out for a month, I'm not drinking all day and sometimes simply forget to drink anything. I don't want to get too dehydrated or anything... but... I don't want to have to make such a conscious effort to drink. I don't want to have to work at keeping healthy... either let me be sick or make being healthy easy, for once.

Not drinking can lead to horrific constipation...and um, burning in a certain place but that would be too much information Plus it hurts the kidneys too, I think Sometimes it feels as difficult to eat/drink properly as it is to try to obey GodI did wish though I knew of a way you could remember to drink...

Heck - I wish I could forget to eat every once in a while. it would make a difference. Maybe you felt like you "ate too much" simply because you actually ate, maybe, a relatively healthy amount of food compared to what you normally do? I gather that you don't eat enough? (I forgot...I think you try not to eat too many calories - or you try to eat "zero" calorie food)

 

[Soulwings]

I tend to not eat enough. I'm EDNOS-R, so I struggle with restricting/wanting to restrict... and I've been doing pretty well with getting enough to eat. So yeah, I probably ate just a healthy amount of food... but it still feels like loads... and that's hard to reconcile.

I know I need to drink... but you're right, Lady Bug, that it's almost as hard to take care of yourself as it is to follow God - because taking care of your body is following God - taking care of the body He's given you, His temple. It's so hard. I feel like I'm struggling on more than one level - because first off, I want to just take a break, quit fighting for a little while... and secondly, I just want to be sick(er) again, because I miss it, as twisted as that sounds. I don't know if anyone but me can differentiate between those two things, but I see them as being different - one is not wanting to be healthy, but not wanting to be sick... the other is just wanting to be sick. I don't know if that makes any sense, though...

Gahhh.

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How are you doing?? and everyone else??

 

[beckybooiloveu]

*gives katey, lady bug and april a massive hug* praying for you all...

im not doing the best... i have cried myself to sleep for the last few nights which is usually not a good sign for me... i have just been feeling so lonely. and i feel so gross... im really not liking myself atm... and ive almost been eating properly... and thats probably why i feel so disgusting... i dont think it is going to last long though... actually probably not past tomorrow. i have a massive two days of work ahead of me... between the two jobs i am doing thirteen hours on both tuesday and wednesday and then ten hours friday and fourteen hours on saturday. i did eight hours today as well. and im already exhausted because i think am getting sick. (there has been a flu bug going around at work, lol, between me and a friend we are going through a box of tissues at work a day! )
anwayys, im going to take a few sleeping tablets to help me get some sleep tongiht to get through the week.

thinking about you all... *hugs*

 

[Soulwings]

Bec. I'm sorry to hear about you being sick... and is there any way you can cut down on the amount of work that you are doing? Working thirteen, fourteen hours - that's ridiculous!!! s And yey on you for eating well!! That is so cool. Please keep trying to do that, love. It's better for you. I promise.

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I'm okay. Yesterday was hard because I had what felt like a lot of calorific food, although it wasn't really. Well, it was a lot of calories for an ED'd person, but not a lot in retrospect. I don't know. Just struggled with it.



And now it's time for breakfast. Does it ever stop?!

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s for all.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

well... i meant to have my rostered day off today... but i got called in... so there went my day off... lol...

im not eating well again... i either havent eaten or i have purged majorly...

actually last ngiht (wednesday night) i feinted while in the bathroom at work... i think a mixture of exhaustion and not eating... so i didnt feel too well during that shift...

im about to go to bed now before a pretty small day at work tomorrow and then a big day on sat...

night

 

[Soulwings]

Bec, sweetie, if you're going to be working so much, you need to eat without purging. Please, sis. Try to take care of yourself. You need the food, you need to care for yourself. I'm sorry that you didn't get the day off... that sucks. :-( I hope that you manage to find some little bit of time somewhere for Bec-time, where you can just relax, take a hot bath with bath salts or bubble bath, relax in a hot shower, hang out with friends, go for a (relaxing) walk, read a good book, etc.

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I'm working on staying on my mp. It's hard... but I'm hanging in there as always. I'll be praying for you all. s

 

[Lady Bug]

I know I need to drink... but you're right, Lady Bug, that it's almost as hard to take care of yourself as it is to follow God - because taking care of your body is following God - taking care of the body He's given you, His temple. It's so hard.

You're right - I forgot but you reminded me of some passage in the Bible but I don't remember where - where it talks about this kind of stuff.

I feel like I'm struggling on more than one level - because first off, I want to just take a break, quit fighting for a little while... and secondly, I just want to be sick(er) again, because I miss it, as twisted as that sounds. I don't know if anyone but me can differentiate between those two things, but I see them as being different - one is not wanting to be healthy, but not wanting to be sick... the other is just wanting to be sick. I don't know if that makes any sense, though...

Gahhh.

It doesn't make 100% sense to a "normal" person but to me it does (haha, see what that implies?). Sometimes, as insufferable as our sicknesses are, feeling normal is foreign to us because we either don't know or completely forgot what it feels/felt like to be normal. That's why some of us stay in the state of mind we're in because feeling normal actually feels abnormal, as much as we can fantasize about how being normal would actually help us in the long haul.

Sorry - doesn't this make us all look like we're "abnormal"? I don't mean to make it look that way

*gives katey, lady bug and april a massive hug* praying for you all...

im not doing the best... i have cried myself to sleep for the last few nights which is usually not a good sign for me... i have just been feeling so lonely. and i feel so gross... im really not liking myself atm... and ive almost been eating properly... and thats probably why i feel so disgusting... i dont think it is going to last long though... actually probably not past tomorrow. i have a massive two days of work ahead of me... between the two jobs i am doing thirteen hours on both tuesday and wednesday and then ten hours friday and fourteen hours on saturday. i did eight hours today as well. and im already exhausted because i think am getting sick. (there has been a flu bug going around at work, lol, between me and a friend we are going through a box of tissues at work a day! )
anwayys, im going to take a few sleeping tablets to help me get some sleep tongiht to get through the week.

thinking about you all... *hugs*

It looks like you are overworked - do you need to work all those hours? (I feel really silly asking this - maybe you gotta work to pay through school, sorry). You really seem stressed...I'm not one to handle stress well - I would have wanted to do something "morbid" to myself if I were in your situation (I hope this doesn't trigger, I'm worried about that).

well... i meant to have my rostered day off today... but i got called in... so there went my day off... lol...

im not eating well again... i either havent eaten or i have purged majorly...

actually last ngiht (wednesday night) i feinted while in the bathroom at work... i think a mixture of exhaustion and not eating... so i didnt feel too well during that shift...

im about to go to bed now before a pretty small day at work tomorrow and then a big day on sat...

night

Soulwings is right, if you are going to be working so much, you need food and fuel in your brain. I mean, you could faint anytime - heck it could be on the road, or at work, or when you're taking a bubble bath (like Soulwings recommended) and you don't want to faint when you're in the bathtub

Unfortunately I have absolutely zero clue on how to help anyone to eat more - I'm already suffering from eating too much.

Anyway guys that's all I have to say for now. I'm having a very bad problem with my weight and it just doesn't go away. You wouldn't believe how much I ate tonight at supper and still I feel as if I didn't eat "anything." I can't put numbers here, even in words, but if you know what I ate you'd be wondering what kind of stomach I have - whether there's jagged teeth in my stomach or something. This makes so sense.

The weight has gone well beyond what I dreaded it going beyond and it is a serious problem. I'm exercising well but my appetite is so whacked that it feels like it's straight from the devil or something. Therefore I think I undo my exercise by eating wrongly. I used to look rather nice about 2 years ago. Over the past 2 years my appetite has gotten so out of hand. What the heck happened...I can't believe it. All that weight I lost (and how I did that, I don't remember anymore) I have practically gained it all back and I know it's not good for me to be this weight now. I'm speechless at how I look compared to then. At my age I want to be looking nice for guys. NOT like this. I keep asking myself and God to please just stop myself from getting any fatter. Nothing seems to work

 

[katey]

hope every1s ok??? sorry not been around not having good time with life at min n its taking all my effort to just get up n put clothes on at min let alone see people