Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (5)

[Lady Bug]

Ladybug, to be honest, I really don't know what to think about your dad's idea. If you starve, as I did in oh five, then yes, you do get used to the hunger to the point where you don't even feel it anymore. But that is not the place that you want to go. If you starve yourself, restrict, whatever you want to call it - then yes, you probably will lose weight fast. BUT!!! as soon as you start eating properly again, you will gain it all back, because your body will be in starvation mode - saving up as many calories as possible - so you don't starve to death - stores them as fat. So in the long run, starving/restricting is a Rubbishy Idea. It really is.

Yeah, N's cost money, too. Maybe when you get a job, though? as well as a T? I know that you don't know when that will be, but try to stay optimistic. (Easier said than done, don't I know it!! ) You WILL get through this.

How have things been lately?

...

And girls, how've all of you been? It's been quiet here!! s

Hi I agree with everything you said about starving and not feeling hungry anymore if you practically starve yourself to death and that you will lose weight fast. But that's not the way I want to lose weight I can't think straight when I am hungry. I get a headache and very fatigued. It just doesn't work.

N's and T's do cost money indeed but that can be remedied with a job - hopefully. My interview clothes no longer fit me from the last time I wore them

Hi!

Ladybug, sorry things are so rough. Regarding your dad's advice, I'm inclined to disagree because I don't think eating disorders are about being hungry or not. I think it could just cause to switch disorders or lead to more binging because you are hungry. I don't think saying "don't eat" is any more helpful that "just eat" is, and neither really deal with the actual problem. Sorry if this makes no sense, I'm rambling a bit. I just hate hate hate the idea of someone restricting. I want you to be free of your disorder, not changing to other disordered habits. That's what I want for all of us.

If I misunderstand your dad's advice though and he doesn't mean 'starve' but just to eat healthy and a normal amount of food and that your body will adjust to that, of course that is good. However it still oversimplifies the problem I think...if it were that easy I'm sure we'd have all done it by now . However if you can do that while finding a healthy coping mechanism to deal with your feelings/stress than hopefully you can work in that direction?

Hi As far as the bolded underlined words -

I really totally agree that as far as for ME "starving" that would cause the binge to get so bad that it isn't even funny. I think that some of my binging is fueled by certain kinds of sugars (and if not certain kinds of sugars, then, the amount of those sugars). I could say which kinds of foods do this but that may trigger some.

You raise a good question of finding a healthy coping mechanism to deal with what may be CAUSING the disorder in the first place. The causes are very deep-seeded - and I honestly wonder if any starvation will nullify the actual triggers that are contributing to this problem in the first place.

Only someone who has no real understanding of what it is like with an eating disorder can simply tell me to tell my mind to control and be done with it.

yesterday my dad bought some dinner rolls. They're kind of "light" for me. The bakery has harder rolls that are the exact same calories as one of the "lighter" rolls. The only problem is that it is a bit more difficult for my mom to be fed with the harder rolls (it's not impossible though - just more difficult though).

I asked my dad I can eat those rolls instead because they're not as "airy." He said for me to simply get used to eating "airy" foods and I told him that this was not going to help - he didn't like it

someone who has truly gone through an eating disorder would never say this -

 

[Soulwings]

Ladybug. I'm so sorry that things are going so poorly for you. I wish we could help more in some way, but remember (and I think you do) - we are always, always, always here for you. You are right, no one with an ED would ever be that insensitive..... or rather, not understanding. My dad has made some comments in the past that I won't repeat here (simply because I don't want to dredge them up into my front memory), but pretty much it's insensitivity due to not understanding what it is like to struggle with eating, whether it's too much or too little, or both.

 

[Shannie]

Ladybug,

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. You are right, no one with an ED would say the things your dad says. I have a couple people in my life who make really inappropriate comments from time to time, meaning well but just clearly don't get it. I think it's very hard for some people to understand something like struggling with eating, because it's so intuitive for them. We can't change them, although we can try to explain our situation and give them a better understanding, but it is important for us to recognize that they *don't* understand. I am trying to work on taking things in the spirit they are meant in, but it's really hard. For instance, if I get a triggering suggeston on how to be healthy, I try to appreciate the person wants to help and they care about me, but (in my head) also recognize their idea is not healthy for me.

I second April's statement that we are always here for you. Keep posting and let us know how we can support you.

Becky,
Congrats on being done 2nd year!! Well except for that one exam, sorry you were sick and have to do it later. Do you have to resit it soon or next semester?

Sabrina,
Welcome back Sorry you are struggling with ED thoughts, but good job on not listening to them and keeping up with eating well!
9 cm seems really big for cysts! No wonder you were in pain. I hope the doctors will be able to help.

April,
I'm so glad your N appt went well . And you are not lazy for not exercising, especially if being out of breath gives you anxiety attacks. But even without that, not exercising doesn't make you lazy. I think it would be perfectly normal with school and adjusting to your new home and what not to not have as much time to work out as you might like. Cut yourself some slack

That is very exciting you might graduate next fall!! yay! I was sooo glad ot finish school Although now i'm writing professional exams lol so I still have to study.

I'm sorry you are feeling so low I hope things get better soon.

 

[Soulwings]

Shannie How're things going for you in the ED realm? and the "other" realm - how're things going in general?

Thanks for telling me I'm not lazy. May sound silly but that really helped a lot. It feels like everyone thinks I'm lazy since I'm just sitting around on my bum all day (well, okay, not quite - our campus is quite hilly and I have to hurry along it to get where I need to go). I want to get out and go for a walk or something, but I am so awfully anxious that it is hard to do anything.

I really, really hope that I can graduate next fall. That would be wonderful. I'm so ready to be done with classes......

s to all.

 

[Shannie]

April,
I'm glad I helped. You are so definitely not lazy. Taking care of yourself might mean NOT exercising and that is the healthiest thing you can do.

!!!MAY TRIGGER - talking about sizes (no numbers but generalities)!!!!
.
.
.
.
.
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Ok I'm so [wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth][wash my mouth]ed off right now. I have two work Christmas parties to attend next month (mine and my b/f's). So I decided I would go get starting on finding a dress, because I always wait too late and have to buy something I don't really like or feel comfortable in because I was rushed. Don't want to do that this time.

Nothing I like fits me!! . I feel like there's something really wrong about me. I'm an average height and my weight is ok too I think. Something should fit. The only things that I could find are styles that really aren't my thing. I mean if I have to do it I'll resort to one of them but there were so many beautiful dresses that I can't wear. It's not fair!

!!! END OF MAY TRIGGER!!!!!





Sorry girls for teh rant. My ED has latched on to me the last few days and my eating is not terrible but sliding in quality. So this was just one more thing that makes me feel Life other than my ED is pretty good, but I guess not as good as I thought or my ED wouldn't be back. I'm getting stressed about stuff plus kind of trying to deal with an 'incident' that happened with a family friend's kid when I was younger before I have to see said kid (now an adult of course) at Christmas. Lines were crossed (not by my choice) but nothing really bad happened so I can't complain. For some reason it just has been really bothering me lately.

 

[Soulwings]

Shannie. Clothing sizes always get me... they really suck. I never fit into anything that is cute (okay, I lie, sometimes I do but rarely in the way that I would like - I'm not thin enough... )... and finding dresses - . That would be so hard. Finding things that are cute but that don't fit really, really sucks. I hope you find something that you like that is your style.

I'm sorry about that issue with the family friend's kid. The vague bits that I get = very unpleasant and uncomfortable. Memories/flashbacks.... they come up at weird times. I had an issue with that two weeks prior to getting married. It was horrible and I hated it, but I think I resolved some of it (or so my T thinks, anyway. I'm just waiting for the memories to come back and bite me in the bum...).

Hope the parties go well, though. They sound kind of fun.

 

[Shannie]

Hi April,

Sorry you have trouble with the clothes shopping too. I don't usually find it too bad anymore, but once in a while it's bad. Yesterday I was so frustrated. I am a normal size why doesn't anyhting fit me. I'm PMSing so I'm sure that contributed to the slight overreaction, but that knowledge doesn't make me feel much better.

I'm glad you were able to resolve some of your memories in T. I hope they don't come back to 'bite you in the bum' later. I didn't go through anything as bad as you did, but still weird enough to freak me out a bit. Honestly at the time I didn't really understand much, I think now that I'm older and 'get it' it came back. But that's ok, I'll work through it and move on. I'm trying to actually think through how I feel and stuff so that I can actually deal with it instead of shoving my feelings away and restricting as in the past. So I figure that's a step forwards even if it's hard

Thanks I'm actually looking forward to these parties, which is odd for me. Assuming I find something to wear. haha. They are still a few weeks away so hopefully I'll have more success on my next shopping trip.

How are you doing?

 

[Lady Bug]

Ladybug. I'm so sorry that things are going so poorly for you. I wish we could help more in some way, but remember (and I think you do) - we are always, always, always here for you. You are right, no one with an ED would ever be that insensitive..... or rather, not understanding. My dad has made some comments in the past that I won't repeat here (simply because I don't want to dredge them up into my front memory), but pretty much it's insensitivity due to not understanding what it is like to struggle with eating, whether it's too much or too little, or both.

thank you Soulwings I'm glad you guys are always here for me when you can be. I'm sorry though that everytime I come here, I'm always doing bad. I lack motivation to get better anymore

I had lost X pounds (X meaning - how many cents do you contribute when you want to add your opinion to a discussion) and I gained it back this week It gives me the feeling of "kick 'em when they're up, kick 'em when they're down."

To come think of it, I don't even remember how I lost the pounds - but I gained them back.

Ladybug,

I'm sorry things are so rough right now. You are right, no one with an ED would say the things your dad says. I have a couple people in my life who make really inappropriate comments from time to time, meaning well but just clearly don't get it. I think it's very hard for some people to understand something like struggling with eating, because it's so intuitive for them. We can't change them, although we can try to explain our situation and give them a better understanding, but it is important for us to recognize that they *don't* understand. I am trying to work on taking things in the spirit they are meant in, but it's really hard. For instance, if I get a triggering suggeston on how to be healthy, I try to appreciate the person wants to help and they care about me, but (in my head) also recognize their idea is not healthy for me.

I second April's statement that we are always here for you. Keep posting and let us know how we can support you.

Sorry I am not good yet on names here - who is April, etc. (I should be paying more attention to this)

Anyway some people do mean well and have good intentions but it is of my opinion that good intentions are not a good enough reason to do something (maybe I'm must grumpy right now)

Sorry I don't have much to say right now My mind is dazed and it is hard for me to muster the stamina to generate thoughts - and I have been triggered by things as of late. It's like I can hardly function whatsoever when I'm feeling this low and lonely. I don't want to do anything - I don't want to read or pray or anything. I am praying these days but it feels like such a chore and so mechanical and I almost feel like I am on the verge of falling asleep in the middle of my prayers - maybe praying does this to me in general.

 

[Shannie]

Hi Ladybug,

Soulwings is April . Sorry when I said the thing about good intentions I didn't mean it was a good reason for you to do it. I think in an earlier post I said I did disagree with your dad's opinions on what you should do. What I meant was more for you. As in acknowledge his advice is well intentioned, but that doesn't mean it's right for you. As opposed to feeling like you have to take it. I don't think I'm explaining myself well. I get really triggering suggestions from people. In my head I kind of have to say "I appreciate his effort because he means well, but for me that would be very unhealthy so ED leave me alone I am not going to do that!". To the person I just say something like "Thanks for the suggestion" or "I'll think about that". Anyways I'm rambling. I certainly never meant just cuz someone means well you need to actually take their suggestions. I'm so so sorry if it came across that way. I've been struggling lately and not feeling well, a combination which appears to lead to an inability to communicate well. I'm so sorry.

I'm sorry you are struggling right now. That's good you are praying. I think even if you fall asleep or are struggling to pray God knows what your intentions are and He can listen. I hope you feel better soon.

 

[Lady Bug]

Hi Ladybug,

Soulwings is April .

Hi Shannie thanks for telling me that Soulwings is April. I kind of drew that conclusion but it was not until after I wrote my last post lol.

Sorry when I said the thing about good intentions I didn't mean it was a good reason for you to do it. I think in an earlier post I said I did disagree with your dad's opinions on what you should do. What I meant was more for you. As in acknowledge his advice is well intentioned, but that doesn't mean it's right for you.

Nono don't worry - I knew that you felt that my dad's statements were wrong for me, I could see that. My dad's intentions may have been well, but he truly didn't realize how badly his intentions can play out if I did what he was suggesting (i.e. the starving and manipulating my body to try to not want to eat through "starving'')

As opposed to feeling like you have to take it. I don't think I'm explaining myself well.

I think you did alright, but I'm definitely not one to explain myself well at all. But some reasons for that are that I can't think of the right words to say sometimes - it takes effort for me. I used to write very good papers in college and I now can't figure out how I did them all - now my brain feels like it doesn't know how to do those things anymore that's weird.

I get really triggering suggestions from people. In my head I kind of have to say "I appreciate his effort because he means well, but for me that would be very unhealthy so ED leave me alone I am not going to do that!". To the person I just say something like "Thanks for the suggestion" or "I'll think about that". Anyways I'm rambling.

it's ok - I'm the queen of rambling lol. there are times where something triggers me so bad online that I sometimes search for someone to PM and tell about it, it hurts that bad. I'm thin-skinned in this regard this is not an eating trigger but when I see someone say they're newly pregnant it is a HUGE trigger.

I certainly never meant just cuz someone means well you need to actually take their suggestions. I'm so so sorry if it came across that way.

lol it didn't come across that way but it's ok that you told me this so you don't have to feel so bad

I've been struggling lately and not feeling well, a combination which appears to lead to an inability to communicate well. I'm so sorry.

these are the reasons I feel like I can't communicate well either. zero stamina - and the brain doesn't care to exercise itself into thinking about how it should communicate.

I'm sorry you are struggling right now. That's good you are praying. I think even if you fall asleep or are struggling to pray God knows what your intentions are and He can listen. I hope you feel better soon.

I hope I feel a little better - but I haven't felt this bad in a long time and the holidays are just going to put that nail in the coffin I will hang in there and check this thread out from time to time. Not sure why I'm so weak - if only that the only money I had was not in my savings right now or I would go and get some counseling and maybe meds on a regular basis. these types of expenses are periodic and I can't let the money I have keep going down and down and down -

I do need to use some of it to buy some clothes - which I do very seldom - but the last time I went I was so unsuccesful and that was the time when I saw myself in the rear view mirror in the fitting room and saw how rolly my back was... I don't know when the trip to the store will take place for that - because I haven't lost any weight since that time...

 

[Shannie]

Hi Ladybug,

Thanks for clarifying, I was so worried I'd completely miscommunicated what I meant. I'm sorry you are so triggered though. I'm pretty thin-skinned too about certain things, although slowly improving.

Good luck clothes shopping. Do you have a friend or a cousin or someone else who could come with you to make it more fun with? Shopping can be just depressing sometimes (see my earlier post a couple days ago lol).

Have you looked into counselling at all? I don't know too much about it, cuz when I went it was through uni, but some places offer sliding scales so you pay based on what you can afford or something. I hope you are able to get some professional support soon.

 

[Soulwings]

Ladybug, good to see you again. Sorry that you are struggling so much... and don't feel bad about coming and always doing badly - we are all like that sometimes - I know that I used to be like that all of the time. I've recovered quite a lot since then, but I do remember the days when things were always bad. They do get better. It just takes time. (I know you are probably SO SICK of hearing that, if you hear it, but it's true... time, effort, and sometimes outside help. )

...

Shannie, how are you doing??

...

I'm pretty wiped out. I've gone psychotic again (literally, in the clinical sense), so things are pretty rough. I'm at my parents' now, though, for the afternoon, and that helps keep me (more) sane. The apartment freaks me out when I'm alone in it.

I'm so glad that it's Friday, although I have about a bajillion things to do by Tuesday, and Monday I have a consultation for my wisdom teeth (they are finally coming in, and my mouth is so small I need to get them taken out ), so I won't have much time to do work then. The weekend is going to be busy with schoolwork but at least it's not classtime!!! Only three weeks left, though...... I think I can handle that.

My ED has been okay. Struggling now and again with getting enough calories, but that's normal I guess. Feeling lumpish and fat a lot of the time as well.

 

[katey]

Hiya everyone, am back for a little while so thought id catch up but have missed absolutly loads so yeah might not be able to today. ive been in hospital for a little while, again. things havent been going too well at all. all my medications have again been changed and its driving me crazy my moods been all over the place, ive now got new diagnoses aswell as my old ones so i', trying nto get used to them. my sui thoughts have been really really strong for the past 3/4 weeks i'm just about managing to keep them stable at the minute. my ED well yeah its out of control as everyones trying to stop me acting on sui thoughts theyr sturrgling to keep an eye on my weight and everything else, and because ive been so depressed i've just not wanted to eat on top of not wanting to eat because of the ED!!1 its all a bit crazy, am not sure hoe long i'm going to be in hospital for but hopefully it should be for much longer .


hope everyones doing ok, i'll try and pop in a little bit more regularly when i can. xxxx sending you all huge hugs xxxxxxx

 

[Soulwings]

Katey, sorry to hear that things are so rough right now but glad to see you back!! Keep fighting for recovery... and remember that eating - well, you don't have to want to eat - you've just got to eat - otherwise your body will never get to a place where you can absorb the meds that will help you feel better, as well as just naturally feeling better. Food does that. Deprivation of food causes foul moods, in anyone, whether eating disordered or not. But you probably know all that... but do know that we are all cheering you on!!

I hope you get out of hos soon. We've missed you.

...

How is everyone doing??

 

[Soulwings]

Well, I decided to bump the thread because I wanted to talk about what happened yesterday... just to vent and also for some support, maybe?

I was in my Lifecycle Nutrition class, and we were on the topic of adolescent nutrition. The prof had admitted earlier in the term that she had had an ED when she was in high school, and yesterday she decided to tell the story of how it happened - complete with numbers. I was triggered, a lot, and I felt so fat because at my lowest I weighed about the same as she did and was half a foot shorter. How dare I say I have an ED?? I mean, I know it's not all about the weight, and I still struggle a lot, but that is what the little voice inside me said (or says, rather). It sucks... and then last night I struggled with supper, trying to get enough calories for the day. I was also talking with my friend about the nutrient analysis she had to do for her intro to nutrition class, and she mentioned that she got XXXX kcal/day, and I said that was low, and she agreed... yet it is a good amount more than I normally take in in a day. So that made me feel proud, in an eating disordered way.......

...I feel so messed up. I don't know what to think about anything right now. Do I have an ED, or am I just a whinger? Am I still sick? Was I ever "thin enough"? Will I ever get past being triggered? Should I talk with the prof about using numbers?? I don't know.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

*MASSIVE HUGS ARPIL*
Im so sorry that happened! and it shouldnt have... april, you do not need to/should not question about whether or not you have an ED because you know deep down that you do... the doctors have told you.... and as you said, it is not just the numbers. Im sorry you are struggling, that must have been sooo hard. you are not a whinger... I dont think there is such thing as thin enough... (that doesnt sound right... i mean... i dont know how to explain but im ure you get me)and i think we amy ahve always have little things that we sill struggle with but things will get easier over time...

I think perhaps talking to the professor about using numbers would be a good idea and she should understnad considering whe has been through it herself... just point out to her that there are people in the class that may be suffering from EDs and may be triggered by the use of numbers etc... that way you wont even have to open up to her...

im thinking of you hun! xoxo *HUG*

 

[Lady Bug]

Hi Soulwings, Shannie, Katey, and beckyboo

Not much to say right now only because I can't motivate myself to write a post

Just wanted to tell you folks I am still thinking about everyone here. I'm just having trouble keeping up with what everyone is saying (my fault, no one else's). Feeling very lazy - in a bad way - although I don't know what type of laziness would be good in the first place.

 

[beckybooiloveu]

(

 

[Soulwings]

What's up, Bec?

...

Ladybug, good to see you again. Don't worry about keeping up with everyone's posts... it's hard to do that, to be that motivated, especially when depressed and struggling. How are you doing??

...

Thanks for the support, Bec. It means a lot. Jarrod Facebook-messaged her (surprise surprise, she's on FB) about it since I wasn't going to be proactive about it. I don't know if she's gotten it yet.

...

I'm doing okay. Feeling a bit Rubbish, but that's okay...

 

[Lady Bug]

Hiya everyone, am back for a little while so thought id catch up but have missed absolutly loads so yeah might not be able to today. ive been in hospital for a little while, again. things havent been going too well at all. all my medications have again been changed and its driving me crazy my moods been all over the place, ive now got new diagnoses aswell as my old ones so i', trying nto get used to them. my sui thoughts have been really really strong for the past 3/4 weeks i'm just about managing to keep them stable at the minute. my ED well yeah its out of control as everyones trying to stop me acting on sui thoughts theyr sturrgling to keep an eye on my weight and everything else, and because ive been so depressed i've just not wanted to eat on top of not wanting to eat because of the ED!!1 its all a bit crazy, am not sure hoe long i'm going to be in hospital for but hopefully it should be for much longer .


hope everyones doing ok, i'll try and pop in a little bit more regularly when i can. xxxx sending you all huge hugs xxxxxxx

Katey, sorry to hear that things are so rough right now but glad to see you back!! Keep fighting for recovery... and remember that eating - well, you don't have to want to eat - you've just got to eat - otherwise your body will never get to a place where you can absorb the meds that will help you feel better, as well as just naturally feeling better. Food does that. Deprivation of food causes foul moods, in anyone, whether eating disordered or not. But you probably know all that... but do know that we are all cheering you on!!

I hope you get out of hos soon. We've missed you.

...

How is everyone doing??

Soulwings is right, Katey, about making sure there is enough food in the system - especially when you take these kinds of medications. Something tells me that taking mental health medications on an empty stomach could have very funky side effects that I don't even want to think about

Well, I decided to bump the thread because I wanted to talk about what happened yesterday... just to vent and also for some support, maybe?

I was in my Lifecycle Nutrition class, and we were on the topic of adolescent nutrition. The prof had admitted earlier in the term that she had had an ED when she was in high school, and yesterday she decided to tell the story of how it happened - complete with numbers. I was triggered, a lot, and I felt so fat because at my lowest I weighed about the same as she did and was half a foot shorter. How dare I say I have an ED?? I mean, I know it's not all about the weight, and I still struggle a lot, but that is what the little voice inside me said (or says, rather). It sucks... and then last night I struggled with supper, trying to get enough calories for the day. I was also talking with my friend about the nutrient analysis she had to do for her intro to nutrition class, and she mentioned that she got XXXX kcal/day, and I said that was low, and she agreed... yet it is a good amount more than I normally take in in a day. So that made me feel proud, in an eating disordered way.......

...I feel so messed up. I don't know what to think about anything right now. Do I have an ED, or am I just a whinger? Am I still sick? Was I ever "thin enough"? Will I ever get past being triggered? Should I talk with the prof about using numbers?? I don't know.

I don't know exactly what to say to this - but I definitely see that you are triggered by numbers. I would find it unnerving to say the least if someone said that they had this eating disorder and were too thin, or wore such a "big" size pants, only to find out that their weight was the same if not more, and that the pant size is lower than yours. I hate it when someone says how much weight they lost and they say they went from size such-and-such to such-and-such, only to find out their original size when they were "fat" was a couple sizes lower than the pants I wear at a PROPER weight.

Anyway - I'll write back with more on how I'm doing. I just finished this long email that it took out all the stamina that I thought I had, but didn't really have The holidays are triggering me so bad that I tried confiding in it to a couple people, and although they don't say it outright, I think I'm secretly annoying them - it's like no one gets what I'm going through right now (I haven't said what it is yet). I really want to lose my mind over this season...

wondering what becky's sad face means but if it hurts to say what it is, I understand