Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (4)

[Lady Bug]

hey soulwings,

I wish I could tell you that I'm seeing a therapist but I'm not at this time.

I've heard some churches offer free counseling but I could be wrong. Part of my anxiety is that I would have to sneak to a church. It would be very hard for me to tell my dad where I'm going unless I lie and I abhor lying.

The ideation is still lurking, even though it's not screaming in my head. It could be worse, but the best thing would be if it weren't there at all.

I have to go out again today with my dad to the library and I have to wear the outfit that he says I look pregnant in because that's the only shirt that covers my gut

this eating disorder thing leaves me at a loss for words. all that I ate last night and that was not the time near my period. I feel like there's this football under my waist when I sit down.

 

[Soulwings]

Some churches do offer free counseling, you're not wrong. I think that it would be good - no, fantastic - if you could seek this out. It's at the point that if your dad doesn't agree with it - oh well. It's your life at stake here... between you being miserable/unhealthy and you being healthy/happier. Especially - if your dad is criticizing you for not looking perfect, then he should be happy to see you seeking help. At least, that is the logical procession of thought.

I hope I don't sound overly pushy. I just want you to get help, any way possible. I hate seeing people feel so crappy.

 

[MyaShane]

Ladybug, you need to have any medical issues addressed with your eating habits because they are not normal. Have them test your thyroid levels because an imbalance in your thyroid hormones could be a factor. At least it's a place to start. If they can determine that it's not medical then you can work from there, but you cannot continue like this for both your physical and mental health. Do you have anyone else to go to with this other than you father?

 

[Lady Bug]

Ladybug, you need to have any medical issues addressed with your eating habits because they are not normal. Have them test your thyroid levels because an imbalance in your thyroid hormones could be a factor. At least it's a place to start. If they can determine that it's not medical then you can work from there, but you cannot continue like this for both your physical and mental health. Do you have anyone else to go to with this other than you father?

No

I can't really tell him anything. He's Muslim and due to very bad unemployment problems and my sick mom, I still live with him but I can't guarantee that the next job I get won't be 7-something dollars an hour so that it can prepare me to move. Actually a part of me has issues with moving out. By the same token I feel like I have to hide my Christianity from him so in essence if I'm going somewhere to see (like to a church or to friends who may go to church), I feel like I have to lie to him in order to tell him where I'm going. It is such a huge deterrent but it's also causing severe loneliness and frustration.

My dad is otherwise cool. But this is the one stumbling block I have.

I seriously think a huge chunk of my depression is coming from suppressing my faith, but I truly can't let him know about any of this. My dad is all I got and he gets chest/heart pain very easily if he gets mad, and since he has had two heart attacks, he might not survive the third. He used to get very mad when I had religion fights with him and my mom when I was younger. I do not want to revisit that moment

 

[Soulwings]

Ladybug I'm sorry that you have so much hardship in your life right now... that has to be very difficult indeed, suppressing your faith like that. I hope that somehow things work out so you can move out and get things settled enough to seek help. Have you actually talked with your dad about being sick? rather than it just being a choice, it being an illness? does he know about your depression and does he understand/care that you are struggling?

Sorry for all of the questions, and sorry if they are too nosy. You don't have to answer them if you don't want to.

 

[Lady Bug]

Ladybug I'm sorry that you have so much hardship in your life right now... that has to be very difficult indeed, suppressing your faith like that. I hope that somehow things work out so you can move out and get things settled enough to seek help. Have you actually talked with your dad about being sick? rather than it just being a choice, it being an illness? does he know about your depression and does he understand/care that you are struggling?

Sorry for all of the questions, and sorry if they are too nosy. You don't have to answer them if you don't want to.

okI can answer some to the best of my ability but sometimes I get reticent on a whim. Simply because I become careful about opening up on the internet, not because I'm necessarily cynical of other individuals, but simply because some people like me get a little apprehensive that if we open up, we may not be believed. However I don't suspect that happening here. I'm just saying that in a general sense I have tended to have this attitude...I can't decide whether or not I LIKE this attitude lol

anyway my dad does think that I am eating more because I'm depressed about things but he seems to think that being unemployed is the basic reason for my being depressed. Not that it is not a huge reason but it is not the only reason by a longshot. Unfortunately I feel like I cannot open up to him about the other reasons why I really am depressed. he tends to think that my eating is a matter of control and that all I need to do is concentrate really hard on staying focused on eating right and everything will be just fine. I think it's one of those "men are clueless" episodes. He has never had a problem controlling his appetite in his entire life and when he feels down in the dumps he cannot eat much. I'm the opposite with regard to eating. He does empathize and sympathize with me when I tell him that my feeling depressed has led to a substantially decreased metabolism yet skyrocketing appetite. He just thinks though it's a matter of choosing to adjust my attitude. He does not say this in a bad way but he is a shining example of "men are clueless." He doesn't realize that my body is not like it was in high school nor will it ever be.

He does care that I am struggling. A lot. He sometimes has trouble sleeping because he is worried about me. He just doesn't know the entire roots of the problem I have and does not understand the plight of someone whose metabolism and appetite are going in diametrically opposing directions. I don't expect him to understand because he has never had this problem. I have always had the issue of fluctuating weight all my life. I was a roundie for so many years in school. When I did get skinnier, I felt like I had to starve myself.

anyway my mom has dementia and does not focus well so I cannot talk to her. I don't have Christians in my family. my mom was a Christian before marrying my dad but somehow "converted for" my dad and frankly I thought that idea was terrible. we seemed to have lost touch with my mom's side of the family and her side does not seem to have any interest in keeping contact with us. I don't know why this has all happened. all I can say is that is simply has happened and there's nothing I can personally do about it to change that.

Anyway that's all I feel like saying for now

 

[katey]

to everyone, hope your all doing ok.


i'm not doing too fab right now, in fact, i'm falling fast and cant stop. ..... and i dont know what to do. lifes just a mess right now and i'm not seeing a way out ofit(or at least n e good ways out of it!!!!)

i'm sorry i cant help people right now i'm thinking of you all loads xxx

 

[Soulwings]

Ladybug (I understand the reticence, makes sense to me. But thank you for answering as much as you could. ) Sounds more and more like you are in a tough spot doh:, right? heh). Have you tried explaining to your dad about the metabolism/appetite thing? (explain, as in provide information - websites, books - rather than just stating it.) It really is hard for people who haven't gone through EDs - or any other mental illness - to understand what it's like, if not impossible. I am very glad that your dad cares, though. However, his mindset... seems to be a common one among people who've never experienced EDs... even among those who work with ED'd people. And that mindset can be a very hard one to shake, as I am sure you are finding out.

I'm sorry that you've not got any Christians in your family... wow. Talk about a stressor, there, trying to keep up your faith in a household that doesn't encourage it. Do you have any Christian friends that you could turn to for help/support right now? bc I think that it's trés important that you have someone in real life to turn to. We on here may do very well and will be there for you, but... online just doesn't quite match the quality of real life contact.

I hate to be sounding condescending or anything... I hope what I'm saying isn't coming across that way. :o

When did "all of this" develop? the depression, the ED? can you find anything in the roots of it that may help "fix" it? I really wish that somehow you could get professional help... argh... frustration for you. Heh. I hope that we can help somewhat here, though, at least, although we the none of us are professionals.

Anyway, I hope that some of what I said/asked made sense. Thanks for "overcoming" some of that reticence... makes things about your situation a lot clearer. Hang in there.

 

[Soulwings]

Katey I hope that you get back on track sometime soon I hate seeing you in such a bad place... if you are falling so fast, why don't you seek out help? You need - need - to do that, chica, bc otherwise you will be falling faster and faster, and you do not want that. You deserve life and health, and even if it means going back to hos... well, I know how much you hate the thought of that, but please consider it, okay? bc I think that it really would help, at least by stabilizing you.

I'm a little worried... have my T appt this morning, and I'm worried that if I let a few things slip, I will end up in hos. I feel like I'm running away from my tx team just so I won't go to hos... like I'm lying to them if I hide thoughts... but I can't and don't think I need to go to hos... not now. Maybe a few weeks ago it would've been good, but I obviously made it through that without a problem, so why should I go to hos now? But if I accidentally tell my T that I realised that I can break whatever contract I make with her (about suicidality), and then she figures out that I'm still suicidal (in passing, not hammering at me so much now)... well, if she can't trust me to stay safe, then WHAMMY I am in hos.

Argh. I really, really, really do not want to go there. Not now. Not ever again.

 

[MyaShane]

April, hoping and praying that your appointment goes well and that what is best for you is what comes out of it!

Ladybug, I'm low on wisdom this morning, but you have my prayers!

Katey, who's working with you right now that can help?

 

[katey]

April hope your appointment goes ok.


i cant go in hospital, i hate it. i know what you mean about it probably helping, not in great way but more a keep me safe stabilizing sort of way, but i wont go back in i cant. so many people kept saying it was going to happen and now it is and i cant tell anyone because well i just cant. if i end up in hosp now, during my placement its going to mess everything up, but then if i dont go in i'm gna mess it up anywa!!! and to me either way am gna mess it up so whats the point me goingin............................does that make any sense to anyone??!! i've been on edge the past few days i'm seeing things and theyr really really not nice things and theyr scaring me, i hate it. yet at times they dont scare me!!! i just want it all to go away, make it all stop. i keep thinking i have soemone behind me, and i look and there is yet noone else is botherd by it?! i've not had that for a while.

my CPn is still around and my community team and the psychologists n stuff but coz am doing this placement nine till five its hard to contact them, so havent had much contact with them. if i need to theres the crisis team after five at the hospital and theyr now fully twentyfour hours you dont get put thorugh to AnE liason after ten ne more.

 

[Sora'sFoxycharm]

When life gets me down I go and buy 2 5 gallon buckets of icecream 2 1liter bottles of dr. peper and watch a funny movie.

 

[Sora'sFoxycharm]

Same here.

 

[Sora'sFoxycharm]

My aunt is a cancer serviver not once but twice and you have no idea how long i stayed in that hospital!

 

[Sora'sFoxycharm]

Meep....

 

[Sora'sFoxycharm]

Meep

 

[Sora'sFoxycharm]

Katey?

 

[katey]

yeah?? sorry a, not fully with it today.

 

[Sora'sFoxycharm]

Meep

 

[Sora'sFoxycharm]

Hello?