I'm so over everything. I know that's a bit of a defeatist attitude but it's true at the moment. I am just so confused and frustrated by my life lately. I finally decided to try to go back to counselling again, cause the thoughts/need/desire towards SI and ED behaviours have never gone away, and fighting them is getting so much harder...to the point where I give in more than I should...
Anyway, as I said in another post, my new counsellor is nice enough... I saw her on Tues, and was meant to see her again yesterday. It didn't happen - noone's fault, she was sick, so it couldn't be helped. But I just feel so stranded here now. And there's noone to talk to. I just have to keep being ok till next Thursday, and I'm not ok!
So, I know I need to follow through with dealing with all this crap, and I thought that finally I was in a place where I could do it. I thought God had given me a safe place to live, to help me face it. But now it looks like that's all changed. I know that I'm not safe to be by myself most of the time - especially after counselling. I thought that the friend I was living with would generally be home the night's I have counselling - not that we talk about any of it, but just having someone here is often just enough to stop me doing anything stupid. But things have changed and I feel so selfish and I can't say anything. See, one of the jobs she has is decreasing her hours, so she is picking up extra shifts at her other job, which is night work. Now, when I moved here, I was hoping that living with friends would be a good thing, and that it would help me. There is no way I would have even considered going back to counselling if I was still living by myself. But now, what am I to do? Yes, theoretically, I share the house with two other people, but when it comes down to it, I may as well be living here alone most of the time - my friends are going to be out at least five nights a week, and I leave before them in the mornings, so I'm never gonna see them.
I can't do this alone. I feel like I've opened an evil box that I can't close, but I have to, yet again.
Now, I thought maybe I could find somewhere else to live, but that's not gonna work, cause that would make it financially harder for my friend that I live with. But I can't stay here and do counselling... I think I'm gonna have to tell my counsellor I quit. And that isn't gonna be fun. And if my housemate finds out, she'll be disappointed in me. But what choice do I have? I can't continue with counselling if I don't have "real" support at 'home'? I can't move out. I can't keep doing what I'm doing.
HELP!
Don't you just wish sometimes God would show you the way a bit more clearly, so you could stop guessing about the next step... seem I always misunderstand His directing.
Anyway,as I said, I'm venting, so please ignore me.
And if you can't, well, I know how hard it is to want to live, but remember that there ARE better things out there than suicide. There are. 
I think I'll blog about both of them.....
for you!
