Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (4)

[Daysoni]

Happy Holidays all....

 

[katey]

Happy New Year everyone.

havent been in here for a while, hope everyones doing ok xxx

 

[GoGators]

I hope you all are doing ok.

I heard a song by Stacie Orrico and if I'm correct she wrote it for a friend who had an eating disorder. Its called Dear Friend and I encourage you all to go and listen to it.

 

[Celtic Camel]

I could so use a hug right now...

and how do you fight those thoughts that are apparently lies, but are the only 'truth' you have ever known?

anyway,
happy new year to you all, may this one be a year of breakthrough and healing for each of us...

lovce & prayers,
xoxoxo

 

[LovesEnduringPromise]

I could so use a hug right now...

and how do you fight those thoughts that are apparently lies, but are the only 'truth' you have ever known?

anyway,
happy new year to you all, may this one be a year of breakthrough and healing for each of us...

lovce & prayers,
xoxoxo

Ah I know what you mean about the lies, but them seeming as the truth to us
Its so hard to fight, but you have to keep telling yourself it is a lie, a lie from satan. We cant go on believing this or we will die trying to perfect that lie...
We have to move on to whats best for us, move on that that real truth....even though this is what we have known for a while....we must recognize we know different now and be the change in the world we want to see

 

[MyaShane]

Lisa!

It's good to see you. Sorry that I don't have any wisdom to share on your question because I don't know myself.

 

[katey]

ok, sorry i kno this isnt the most positive post, i just needed to get it down sumwhere thats not gna result in me going # hospital. (wich is likely # happen n e way but hey)

i'm loosing weight and pretty quickly. i didnt notice it at first everyone was saying that its dropping of me, i was like no its not, (u kno the feeling wen those jeans r still tight) but yeah it is. and its making me feel goo. i have that control feeling, everything else is falling ap[art yet thats still going. its hard though coz at the same time i kno its wrong and i know that everything that the docs n my social workers n community nurses r saying is right, n i kno that if i loose much more theyr gna readmit me coz theyr already talking about it now. i'm not even doing that much to loose it. its not just coming of where i can hide it either its coming of my face n other bits. i dont know what # do. i like that good feeling (eps with everything else thats going on) but at the same itme i kno its not right.


aaarrgghh just one big mess as ususal. sorry needed to write it down. probably doesnt make much sens ebut hey.

 

[Celtic Camel]

katey
don't apologise for writing... if it helps to get it out, write...
I don't know what to say... I'm praying for you... hang in there, and try to do what you know you need to... what everyone else says is 'right'...
talk to those who can help you too (even though that's scary)
Love ya...

 

[katey]

thankyou, things arent getting any better so it might be the time to talk to them. but i dotn know, i know frompast times wots gna happen, so yeah that not knowing shouldnt bother me. i'm just not entirly sure i want it all right now.

 

[MyaShane]

Katey!

 

[katey]

thankyou xxx

 

[katey]

ahhhhaaa my cousins just freaked me out, i'm all over the place and dotn know what to do i'm sat here shaking n in tears she came round earlier on n had a go about me saying how everyones really worried n stuff (or rather just her coz no # else cares) n then she was making herself summit # eat n i kno shes upset n stuff but she had this huge sandwich n plonked it down in front of me n was like just eat it (n few other words not repeatable on here) n had another go at me. i freaked out why did she have to go and do that! is she trying to scare me into eaing or summti well its not worked n now its just a mess

 

[MyaShane]

Aww Katey, I'm so sorry. Our family and friends do have good intentions, but don't always know how to handle our illness. They really believe the solution is to just make us eat. I do think they're just trying their best to help us.

 

[katey]

yeah i wish i could belive that right now, but i dnt think my fmailies helping. my mum dosnt care n e more shes got fed up of it all. ok my sisters only ## n doesnt understand bu shes taking after my mum. i kno my cousin is just really woried but she doesnt help at all. i can see why she does it she just know i hate it.

things arent good right now at all, ended up on AnE the other day ebcause i collapsed coz my blood sugard n blood pressure was really low so i got a big lecture on that as i usually do. i wish it would have scared me! but it didnt i'm constantly on the go so i dnt have to stop for food or n e thing i;m # busy for it.
i dnt know wot # do n e more

 

[Celtic Camel]

Katey - you are still in my prayers. I know God has better things for you - keep believing for them & in His love for you, ok? I know it's tough when 'life' doesn't mirror the dream tho...

 

[Celtic Camel]

so, i thought I'd share a little about my last couple of weeks with you all... just cause I'm trying to work it all out in my head...there's certainly been ups & downs...

Last week I stuffed everything up - eating was out the window and so was the SI ... I just wanted to give up and so the old stuff was back in a big way...
I caught up with my counsellor and told her she was wasting her time cause if I couldn't do the right thing, there's no point. She told me I was free to choose not to continue with counselling, but she didn't think she was wasting time, and wants me to continue - guess I was hoping for her rejection too, so I would have an excuse to fail/quit. *shrug*
she also suggested I should see a doctor to talk about going back on antidepressants... I started counselling again, because I could tell all the crap was starting to come back, and yet it appears the counselling hasn't stopped it...
has it helped? I'm not sure...
then I was talking to a friend and she just keeps asking how long I'll be going to counselling for... how should I interpret that? Is she concerned, or does she think I don't need it, or that I'm a lost cause? (A conversation with her last week proved she just doesn't understand alot of things - she basically said that I'm an idiot cause I can't fight the wrong beliefs I have about my body & weight & what looks good etc. I know she doesn't mean to make me feel bad but I already think I'm stupid for not fighting the thoughts more successfully.)
So, I feel quite condemned for my stupidity and foolishness, when really I should know better than to revert to my destructive coping...

On the positive side, I somehow managed to ring another friend to help me make a decision about going away to a conference in March - lots of concerns about going, mostly financial, and I just couldn't find perspective on any of it... this friend turned around and said that if I decided to go, she's cover my airfare home from it (and I can pay her back when I can) then I rung my mum, and took a risk in asking if I could borrow the money to fly to the conference (and my mum never gives or lends money to any of our family) and God worked a miracle - she said yes, as long as I paid her back soon. I'm shocked, but see this as God's provision to attend something He has ordained for me to grow from...
But I can't help but wonder, why would this friend just lend me the money? I keep trying to tell myself that she doesn't need to have any reason beside wanting to, but I don't know how to accept that - no-one has ever been that nice, generous or kind to me before. Stupidly, her generosity and my lack of knowing how to deal with it, makes me want to cut... how messed up is that!?!?

so, let's just say, that God is trying to prove to me that He does care about the little things, and I'm still running scared and running back to my old ways...

so, there you go... that's me... still all over the place, but whatever...

sorry for babbling... just avoiding going to bed or making silly mistakes again...
thanks...

 

[Soulwings]

Lisa. I'm glad to have read what's going on with you - thanks for sharing and being so open. That's a huge step in recovery, just letting others in. So yey!

It's not messed up, really, to want to cut when you feel uncomfortable and unsure about the generosity of your friend. I think that any uncertainty or fear can easily lead down the path to SI. So don't condemn yourself about that.

You're not stupid nor foolish, so try not to let yourself think that way. It's not healthy, and I think you know that! Hang in there, and remember that God still does work in people's lives... and that He is there with you no matter what you're going through. I hope that the counselling does help - it takes a long time to really do something, and I also think that a major part of what it does is allowing you to vent to someone with an objective viewpoint on your life (so they are therefore more able to help/advise/support you). I also think that going to the doctor for ADs would be a good idea. Sometimes meds are necessary. (Trust me, I've been down that path quite a few times, and am still going down it!! Five meds and counting... )

Anyway. I hope that all made some sense. Take care of yourself, okay?

 

[katey]

hun you dont need to be sorry your not babling at all. thankyou for the prayers.

i've been there with the counciling stuff tried to tell ym councilor that he was wasting his time i was a waste of space and wasnt getting n e where was trying to push him away i do that a lot with people who are tryin # help me. i'm glad you carried on with it though, i know it doesnt solve anything but its a cnahe to get things out, even though its really hard.

i can understand how your feeling about your friend i know i have a few friends that even though theyr close they dont understand it, they dont see what we see so they cant understand what were going thorugh and they get frustrated at it. its not your fault hun at all, and your not stupid at all. soemtimes even though we know better we still do it because thats wot we know we feel in control with.


am thinking of you hun, were all here for you good to see you back xxxxxx

 

[MyaShane]

God bless you Lisa! You're taking positive steps and that's wonderful! I'm so glad you checked in with us here. I'm sorry that your one friend is being inconsiderate, it's always hard dealing with that, but yay about your other friend and your trip! I really hope that goes well for you and will continue to keep you in my prayers as well!

 

[katey]

AAARRGGHHAAARRGGHHAAAARRGGHargharghargharghargah

eerrgheeuurggheeuurrggghheeuurrggh.fj;fhf;jc;bsa;iwaugv;djbelwpfjKAhf/KNLGFWUGG;LKFN;ewng/GKHNQOJ

sorry had to let that out, heads cabbaged am feeling so numb right now things r just a mess. i hate it, i hate it all