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Support thread for ED/SI/etc ... come on in! *poss. trig* (4)

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LovesEnduringPromise

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Katey, it is a problem. A VERY big one. I know it might be hard for you to see, but your living in misery...and hopefully you can see the sadness your in all the time...do you want to be like that forever? Its hard to take but its what I had to admit for me to get into recovery....Ive been in recovery for a month now and it feels great....a big struggle at times....but physically and mentally I feel so much more clear headed and Im listening to my body and what it needs...rather than going against it and hating it and making it my enemy. God gave us these bodies, we have to honor it and take care of them....starving doesnt do that....noursihing our bodies do. Im here for you...always.
 
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katey

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thankyou everyone i'm sorry i sort of exploded in my last post. things as you can probably guess arent going to well, unis going fien just everything else. i'm splitting myself in two and its not good. i've been down that road.

i've opened up before, and i admited it. then i went bk into denail and i've been in and out of it for a while. i've been in tratment a few times and in hosopital, well yeah i've lost count of that one!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i went to see my councilor today had a bit of a chat with him, but then i saw my PA at connexions and hes great i just sort of blurted everything out, i showed him what i'd typed here,(sorry if thats a problem it was easier than me trying # explain thing) and i sort of went from there. he rung my CPN while i was sat there and i have to go see her again on thursday and shes made me an appoinemtn with the psych aswell for the same day. i didnt want to admit how bad thing have got again. i'm scared everyone will jump in like theyve doen in the past and take over, or try too. i kno it needs to be doen because i want to finish my nursing course. i've got this far, i know i can cope with uni, but soemthing will give and i know it will be the eating. (or lack of.)

ryt i'm of to bed my heads hurting its been a hard day and i've got uni early in the morning. i'm going to try and get some sleep, not likely but will rest at least.
thankyou everyone
 
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katey

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hey everyone, hope your all ok its a bit quite around here at the minute.

just wanted to coem on and let you know how i got on with my psych and CPN on thrusday. i wasnt able to have a proper chat with my CPN before we went in to see the doc but i just sort of blurted everything out while i was in there(well near enough everything) about the eating, my moods how i'm feeling generally and few other bits and peices. think they were shocked at how much i did say but they were really good my community pyshc doc is sound, he listenes to everything and takes it all on and he really knows hiw stuff. we had a chta and he tried to get me to go on the scales (wich happend to be the first thing i noticed when i walked into the room !!!) but i couldnt couldnt stop looking at them just couldnt actually get on them. he was ok wasnt going to force me to just sed he could do with my current weight but its up to me when, think he realsied he wasnt going to get it when i started getting a little worked up. anyway basically hes wanting to do another assessment including physical tests again, to see how(or if) much things have changed. he has also changed my meds, and i've got the antipsychotics back on my long list now which i'm not happy baout but they help me with my irrational thoughts so yeah it might help a little.
i then had a chat with my CPN and we worked through a care plan and what i've got to do if i get down again, and who to contact and all that, then we chatted a bit aout my uni course, (coz shes doen it and knows about it all and the tutors, so it helped) and she cheered me up a little bit then we went back onto my eating and she asked me little bits about it, she hasnt known me that long so was good to chat and tell her about things.

i didnt have a good night last night but a girl from my uni course, whos doing mental health and we've gotten on really well so far text me to see how i was and i just told her basically i was crap and she rang me, and we chatted on the phone for just over # hours shes been there (and still goes there) so knows how its feels i opeend up loads to her, and her to me. we understood each other. she asked how i'd feel about maybe house sharing with her, as were both looking to move out of home so it helped loads. but this morning am feeling a little bit flat, but got loads of work to do lol.

hope everyones ok, sorry that rambled on a little bit.
 
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katey

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Beci agree you do deserve to live, i know you dont want to talk to anyone but i your feeling that bad hun you really really do need to talk to someone. it might not seem like a big thing but once you hit that spiral its hard to get out of. sending you huge hugs.

i've been busy trying to hold things together so havent been around for few days. uni's started to get beter now but wih better comes more work!!! been doing it all day today so am just taking a break. my medictaions not doing anything at all after it got changed its suposed to be going up at the end of the week so will have to see what happens with that.

As for everything else, well yeah thats not going too well at all. i can just about block it out enough to get through a day at uni but n e longer and i sturggle and its gotten throguh a couple of times and i've got really stressed out.


anyway huge hugs to everyone hop your all taking care of you x
 
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Celtic Camel

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ARGH! I just want to scream... I'm only writing here in an attempt to not cut... This week has been intense, but it's all in my head, as circumstances haven't changed at all, and it's driving me nuts, so I'm just gonna vent, so ignore me while I regale what's going on...
My counselling session on Monday was full-on, but in some ways it was positive and a bit of a break through. And yet, it has left me feeling so vulnerable, exposed, and just a little overwhelmed. Ever since, whenever I stop for more that a minute or two, I nearly start crying.
Now, my counsellor is great, and for the last few weeks, she has asked me to text her every few days to let know how I'm going etc... so, anyway... Since Monday, I haven't sent her any messages, cause I don't want to admit that I'm not coping this week (yeah, I know it doesn't make sense!)
On the way home from work this evening, I was having an argument with myself as to if I should text, and how much would be ok to say... Just before I get home, I get a message from my counsellor:
"Hi. How r u going this week."
(I got so annoyed! How unreasonable!)
My response and the following 'conversation' (of course, it sux because I have chosen to be honest with anything I say to her):
"Why did you have to message?! I've been working hard to convince myself I'm ok, but i'm not really, and since I don't want to lie to you, I have to admit it! Argh! Anyway, I'll be fine... Thanks."
"U have been in my thinking. Remember its ok to admit u r not so ok. Take care of yourself"
"Thanks. but if i admit to myself i'm not ok, i will do something that's not helpful cause I don't know how else to make it go away. So I have to be ok, see? I don't have any days off until Wed, so at least that keeps me mostly safe for about eleven hours each day. I do appreciate your thoughts... just wish I was more positive tonight, sorry."
"Rather have honesty, than pretend."


now see, here's where I just prove how stupid I really am... just by sending those txts, I end up stuffing up anyway... purged the dinner I had managed to eat, and now am here just so I don't punish myself for that... when does this get easier/better?!? I sometimes seriously have to question if all the fight is really worth it...
Anyway, I shouldn't bother you guys with my messed up mind... just desperately trying to stop tonight from going from bad to worse...

Hope you guys are honestly looking after yourselves.
Love & prayers,
xoxo
 
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katey

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how you feeling? am sorry things were spo tough for you, but maybe you needed to be open and honest with her she cant help you otherwise. i sometimes feel that thingsn always seem to come out when i dont want to say anything and maybe those times are the time you NEED to say things. if that makes any sense. i can alwasy hold things in when i'm not ready to tell, or i dont really want to at all but then it alwasy seems to work out right when i do tell people whats going on.


Becky how you doing?

hows everyone else, its been a bit quiet in here. hopefully thats a good thing right. i'm just trying to keep busy at the minute so if i'm witering on amsorry. i suppose i should get back to doing some uni work that will definatly keep me busy. i've got a week of uni wich is great because i can rest and sort some thing out that need sorting out. its been a really hard week i had a lecturer tell me to go home on thursday i was white, i looked so ill, i hadnt ben to bed wednesday night. i had a good chat with her though so that helped loads.

huge hugs to everyone
 
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