Suicide of a loved one?

[cgmom]

Has anyone here lost a loved one to suicide?

My sister shot herself and died a little over a week later. A day after her passing, my mother intentionally overdosed with pills.

I have so many questions and I'm having a hard time even figuring out where to go from here.

 

[9T6]

Dear cgmom,

You have been thrown into a traumatic ordeal and I think you are in great need of someone to talk to who is capable of helping you through this situation. Have you received any help from social services or group therapy?

It is hard to know what to suggest without knowing a little more about your situation. What about your father, other possible brothers and sisters, and other relatives? What is their situation? Are they close to you such that you can support one another? How long ago did this happen? Is your mother at home again now?
I am sure you certainly do have many questions, hopefully you will be able to express some of them here and get some helpful answers or thoughts from people here.

My prayers are with you.

 

[LittlePinky82]

I'm so sorry for what happened. Hopefully someone here can help you with your questions.

 

[cgmom]

I was already in therapy at the time and my therapist has been helping me. I might attend a group later on, I'm not sure yet though.

My father abused me and my sister so being around him or even talking to him isn't safe for me at all. I have no other siblings and I am not close with any of my biological family.

It's only been a few weeks. My sister died on 11/8 and my mother died on 11/10.

My mother and I were not close at all. She abused me and my sister as well. My sister and I weren't speaking at the time. She called me the day before she shot herself and I didn't answer or call her back. I feel so so guilty.

 

[9T6]

Dear Cgmom,

What dreadful things you have experienced! And not just on one occasion but clearly over a long period of time and from people you should have been able to trust the most. I am truly relieved to hear that you at least have a therapist to talk with about your ordeals.

I don't know your age, but I would like to ask you do you live alone or do you have your own family yet? I mean, is there really no relative or friend that you can share this road through your grief and anxiety with?

You are, of course, welcome to bring any of your questions here and we will all try to help you with answers or personal experiences.

You mentioned that

My sister and I weren't speaking at the time. She called me the day before she shot herself and I didn't answer or call her back. I feel so so guilty.

I don't think you need feel any guilt about this. None of us have perfect relationships with all our relatives and there are always things we do or don't do that perhaps should be the other way around. Life is an ongoing, ever changing, experience and therefore whenever a person dies suddenly we are inevitably in the middle of things that are on the mend or on the break, etc. That is simply what we humans are. Those that remain here are always left with things they wish they could have said, or things they wish they could apologise for, or regrets for not seeing them more, etc, etc. In fact, one could say that the fact that such feelings exist is proof that there was a strong, loving, and ongoing relationship between you regardless of what were outstanding issues at the time.

Did your sister give any reasons why she decided to take her life?

I guess from your other posts that you have been in a stressful situation for some months now, and these recent events have certainly only added to the pressures you are having to endure. Apart from not speaking at the time, were you and your sister generally very close before her death? I mean did you share each other's burdens and ordeals?

I am sorry if it sounds like I am asking lots of questions. I am only encouraging you to talk about it, but please do not feel any pressure about this. Please just add whatever you feel comfortable with and whatever you would like to talk about here.

You have friends here

 

[cgmom]

I do have a new adoptive family but they live in another state. They are very supportive and loving though. It's more the day to day confusion and lonliness that I am really struggling with right now. I am divorced and I have a toddler. I have very few real friendships but that's something I'm trying to work on.

My sister and I were close growing up. I did everything I could to protect her and I feel like such a failure now... She did leave a note and she blamed me and then the family secrets as well.

I don't even know where to begin. I miss her and I wish that things hadn't ended as they did. Then my mother... I hurt so bad over what I never had with her and now what will never happen.

At times it doesn't even feel like they are gone. But today the whole is just gaping. I thought of something my sister would like and I actually called her cell phone.

Thanks for letting me talk.

 

[Crazy Liz]

Has anyone here lost a loved one to suicide?

My sister shot herself and died a little over a week later. A day after her passing, my mother intentionally overdosed with pills.

I have so many questions and I'm having a hard time even figuring out where to go from here.

My husband's father committed suicide almost 30 years ago. A few years later, his brother did the same thing. Another brother was living with him and found his body.

Everyone handles this in different ways. I don't have any advice or answers for you, but I'm praying.

Drop me a PM if you want to.

Liz

 

[cgmom]

Thanks, Liz. I'm sorry about your husband's family.

I'll confess, I've attempted suicide before when I was a teenager and I've been suicidal many times in the past. But this happening has given me an entirely different perspective. It hurts so bad for the ones left behind. My mother was hateful to me my entire life and I'm still grieving for her. It's a different kind of grief but I still, in a way, wish she was here.

 

[Crazy Liz]

(((((((cgmom)))))))

 

[UnitynLove]

Heres a link if you have any more problems: http://www.joycemeyer.org/cgi-bin/hfth.plx?page=hfth&subpage=hfth&page_ref=Nav&section_id=NA



I am told that the number one problem facing people today is grief and loneliness. People encounter major losses in their lives; and sadly, many never get over them. When tragedy occurs and the hurt seems unbearable, Satan sees it as an opportunity to attempt to bring a family or an individual into permanent bondage.

The death of a loved one, divorce, or the severing of a close relationship can bring grief; and most people go through a grieving process. The key to victory is to understand the difference between a normal, balanced "grieving process" and a spirit of grief that will try to attach itself to the hurting person. One helps the grieving person get better with the passing of time; the other causes him to get worse and sink deeper and deeper into the pit of despair.

I believe that one of the reasons why people, especially Christians, get into bondage during these trying times is due to a lack of understanding about the "grieving process." The term simply describes a succession of events that may occur in a person's life when something or someone that means a lot to them is suddenly no longer there.

Obviously, all people do not experience the same things in the same degrees; but we do have emotions that can be wounded and bruised and must be healed. Healing is a process—unless God gives a miracle, which He does at times—but more frequently, He walks His children through things step by step.

Shock and denial are two of the first things a person may encounter when tragedy occurs. Actually, God uses these to protect us from devastation. To illustrate, consider an automobile's shock absorbers. They are designed to cushion the vehicle from unexpected bumps in the road. Without them, it would fall apart from the violence of the blows it encounters during its travels.

People are often the same way. We are traveling on the road of life, and most of us are not expecting bumps and potholes. Therefore, we are not ready for them when they suddenly show up. Our Holy Ghost-installed "shock absorbers" cushion the blow until we can readjust and adapt our thinking to accommodate the sudden change in the ride. Shock and denial are good if they are temporary; however, they become a major problem if people permanently refuse to face reality and to learn how to deal with them.

The next thing people may (and often do) feel is anger—at themselves. They begin to think of things they wish they would or would not have done that might have made the situation better or prevented it. Satan wants us to live in regrets. Who is alive that would not say, "I wish I hadn't done that!" or "I wish I had done this"? Satan seeks to place blame; and it is intended to throw a person into a lifetime of guilt, condemnation, and self-hatred.

The apostle Paul stated in Philippians 3:13, ...one thing I do [it is my one aspiration]: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead. I like the phrase in the Amplified translation, "straining." This tells me that whenever I may have to "press on", there will be opposition from the enemy.

Endings always bring new beginnings. Satan strives to keep us out of the new place that God has prepared. He wants to trap us in the past and causes us to live in permanent misery. Self-anger and self-blame will accomplish the devil's purpose.

People may also experience anger at the person who left them—even if they died. My aunt told me that after my uncle died, she would sometimes beat his pillow at night and yell, "Why did you leave me?" Obviously, her intellect knew that he did not purposely leave her, but her emotions were speaking. We must realize that emotions have a voice; and when they are wounded, they may react like a wounded animal. Wounded animals can be quite dangerous, and so can wounded emotions be, if they are followed.

The grieving person needs to be taught about this grieving process and some of the things he may experience. He must also be taught to place little or no value on his feelings—and not to follow them. For a person who has experienced a major loss, it is not the time to be making serious decisions nor the time to deal with other issues that may be anxiety producing or emotionally upsetting.

Anger at God is quite common. People frequently ask, "If God is good, all powerful, and full of love for us, why didn't He stop the thing that caused the pain?" Satan seeks to build a wall between God and the hurting person. He seizes the opportunity to say, "God is not good, and He cannot be trusted." However, we know that it is a lie. Satan is a liar and the father of lies. The truth is not in him according to the Word of God.

Verses 12 and 13 of James 1 states, Blessed (happy, to be envied) is the man who is patient under trial and stands up under temptation, for when he has stood the test and been approved, he will receive [the victor's] crown of life which God has promised to those who love Him. Let no one say when he is tempted, I am tempted from God; for God is incapable of being tempted by [what is] evil and He Himself tempts no one.

And verse 17 says, Every good gift and every perfect (free, large, full) gift is from above; it comes down from the Father of all [that gives] light, in [the shining of] Whom there can be no variation [rising or setting] or shadow cast by His turning [as in an eclipse].

In other words, God is good; and He cannot be anything else. Furthermore, He is not one way one time and another way another time. He does not change. He is good, and that is the way He is. But what about the original question? Since God is good and all-powerful, why didn't He stop this thing before it brought all the hurt and pain?

To be very honest, these are questions for which we do not have completely sufficient answers.

I Corinthians 13:12 says, ...Now I know in part (imperfectly)... Trust always requires unanswered questions!

We want answers to everything, but we must come to the place where we are satisfied to know the One who knows and place our trust in Him. Being mad at God is foolish because He is the only One who can bring the needed help and comfort to the grieving or bereaved person.

Finally, people also get angry at the devil. This is normal and even good if the anger is properly expressed. The only way to repay the devil for hurt and devastation in our personal lives is to aggressively and vehemently do the works of Jesus. I receive much comfort and joy from Romans 12:21, ...overcome (master) evil with good.

People experiencing tragedy often go through stages of emotions expressed as sobbing and hysteria. These may come and go when least expected. Even people who are normally quite unemotional may experience a great deal of emotion during times of loss.

In general, people are afraid of emotions; and an uncontrolled display of these emotions is even more fearful. I encourage you to "fear not" because it will pass. Good understanding and a lot of help from the Holy Spirit will bring you through this kind of situation.

Confusion, disorientation, and fear are common. Depression and waves of overwhelming feelings are experienced by many, as well as, physical symptoms caused by the emotional stress, with which the wounded person is dealing. I believe the key word in these situations is balance.

The Bible talks of how King David was feeling depressed, but he resisted it. He did not sink into it, nor get into the pit of despair. He described how he felt, but he made a decision not to live by his feelings (read Psalm 42:5-11 and Psalm 143). People have often confided to me their discouragement from being made to feel (by others) that they had insufficient faith when they go through experiences like this.

I believe it often takes more faith to go through something victoriously than to be delivered from it. There are some that experience complete deliverance from grief after a great loss, but that does not happen to all people. There are others, and I might even say most of us, who go through very emotionally difficult times when tragic loss occurs. Those who are walking in faith come out of it, and they come out of it better than when they went in. In closing, let me say, "Do not lose your hope!" If you are hurting right now due to a loss in your life, I want to say to you that a new beginning is in front of you. You may go through some things that you will never understand, but you can trust God to work them out for your good. What Satan intends for your harm, God can turn around for your good!

 

[Anti Existance]

You must try to understand you and your sisters 'difficult' situation, you see your parents have continuesly put 'darkness' and 'hatred' into both of your lives. Its not strange that she 'wanted' to get 'out' of it all. A cat in the narrow makes weird jumps, you must understand that she didn't killed herself in order to hurt you, she just wanted to be relieved from pain.

The absence of love in your family has casted a great stench of darkness over everyone, make SURE you give your child ALL the LOVE you possibly could give you see, the negative effect is also casted over you and your child, you have to protect your child from all the negative things that have come over you.

We here at Christian forums will always be your friends and God always loves you, this is the light you should look up too and with Gods support you will be able to look forwards to your future, even tho its hard.

Don't 'regret' what you have or have not done, chances are that you where VERY unable to do anything given the situation, for as a child you are exposed to the darkness and hatred, and usually people are too confused in their childhood to do anything properly against it. In this you must be strong and understand that this darkness was casted by your family upon themselves due to their unconsious and unloving behaviour.

You must not be like that , LOVE is supreme in life, its the only thing that can give you happyness. If you serve your child by giving it all the love (not spoiling but i hope you get the idea) you have, then you will be serving our lord. And whenever its hard just come posting here and we will listen ok?

Its important to keep on talking about those problems you have, and having supportive people around you that want to help you.

*much love*

 

[bumblebee62331]

Has anyone here lost a loved one to suicide?

My sister shot herself and died a little over a week later. A day after her passing, my mother intentionally overdosed with pills.

I have so many questions and I'm having a hard time even figuring out where to go from here.

My uncle hung himself and was discovered by his very young sons. Suicide is such a painful thing to come to terms with and leaves so many people upset, confused and hurt.

I am so sorry that you have been through such an ordeal.

I am praying for you.

 

[teffie]

im not really sure what its like to lose someone, but ive had a best friend go into hospital halfway through school on threatened suicide. it shook us all up really badly, we were only 13 years old...but all i can give you is surround yourself with loved ones and close friends. first step to healing and overcoming is acceptance. as soon as you accept what has happened, and i know it really really hurts heaps, but when you do, it must be in your own time and not forced upon you, then you will have started the recovery process. the 2nd step is to fight it. you might beet your mind off things feeling lost, overwhelmed, worthless, sad, depressed...anything at all bad. and you need to fight these. when you do feel bad like i said above, call someone, txt someone, go for a walk or exercise...just to escape and get out of those feelings and dont let them overcome you. i will be praying for your protection to god tonight, and i place you in his care. let god handle your life, you need to find your way( good way that is) of dealing.
ill be thinking and praying for you
xoxo,steph
pm me if you ever ever need to talk. or email or msn me:
gorjuz_rainbow_junkie@hotmail.com

 

[9T6]

Hi Cgmom,

Thank you for talking about your difficulties so honestly and openly. I hope even writing about it on this site has helped you. For what its worth, you have my deepest compassion for what you have experienced and suffered over such a long period. You have undergone such conflicting emotions at home and then a troubled marriage ending in divorce. You have been hurt very badly by the very people who should been able to show you love and given you support instead of abuse. Instead of being able to trust them you were betrayed by them. Do you sense that as a result of this you have developed a very strong self-defence mechanism that makes you tend to be very wary and suspicious of new people and relationships? I think that would be a very natural development, but it might also be a factor in making it hard to form close friendships with people in the future. Or do you think you are still able to trust people? I think this is an issue you need to be clear on.

You said that you and your mother were not close and that she was hateful to you your entire life. But then you also say that “I still, in a way, wish she was here”. This shows to me that you have a deep love for your mother despite everything, and I think that is wonderful in you! One of the hardest barriers you have probably faced is in trying to forgive your mother. But no matter how hard it might seem, I think forgiving is something you would find very beneficial to try and achieve. You have justifiably felt anger towards your mother, but the danger with such negative emotions is that they eat away at your own heart. If they are not neutralised through forgiveness then this anger easily turns into bitterness and self-pity. These can fester within a person for years and years and do great damage.

I would like to make one suggestion for you – it will probably sound real stupid, but it might help you clarify things a bit. Why don’t you find a quiet evening when you can be undisturbed and write your mother a letter. In that letter write out all your accusations, all your feelings, all your regrets and anything and everything else you can think of. But do not just write the negative things, try to also remember the good things that I am sure also existed. Not only will this help you in expressing and venting your frustrations and the anguish that most probably is still twisting your heart, but it will also help you put things into proportion and understand what exactly is important and what is not. I hope that you will find that forgiveness will come a lot easier to you after this.

I would suggest you also do the same with your sister. You know, writing in this way is actually praying the letter. It is a prayer that goes direct to God’s ears as you write it. He knows what is in your heart and you may find he will also guide the hand that writes it. It is also clear that you have great love towards your sister and in writing these things I believe Jesus mediates the love that we express to our loved ones.

We have not really talked about your feelings towards God in this matter. What kind of impact has all this had on your faith? The general feeling I get from reading your posts is that you are carrying your burden alone. Do you feel able to share it with God or is that a problem for you? I can imagine from your experiences you could easily have some doubts or feeling of rejection towards God – maybe this would also be a helpful thing for you to talk about here?

PS. Glad to see your blessings have really taken off! - shows you've got friends here

 

[cgmom]

Oh, if you only knew how wary and untrusting I am of new people... . That's exactly why I'm virtually alone. I want to be around people and make friends and I'll succeed for awhile. But then I react and do everything I can to push them away. Most of the time they go...

I do love my mother but you're right, I do have an extreme amount of unforgiveness towards her. I also know that it eats away at me; that and all my secrets. Your idea of writing a letter to her is a good idea. I don't know that I'm brave enough to try that right now but I will try it at some point.

You guessed right... I'm not real fond of God right now and I haven't been for quite some time. I feel like He takes everything away from me and is punishing me for something I did or didn't do. Most of the time, I doubt that He really cares for me much at all.

 

[Crazy Liz]

(((((((cgmom)))))))

 

[nb_christseeker]

just dont follow in their footsteps, whatever you do. sometimes entire families are cursed. but if you believe in Lord Yeshua, you will be saved. dont kill yourself.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Wow...just...*big squeezy hug*

 

[cgmom]

Because they died a day apart, they had a joint funeral. That is not the way my sister would have wanted it. I still wonder if my mother killed herself because she couldn't stand the thought that my sister was the center of attention... even though she was dead.

I didn't go to the funeral. I went to work, went to lunch and even bought a new cell phone; half my family is dead and there I was trying to decide between a Blackberry or an ipod phone. I wasn't welcome but I still should have gone instead of pretending that nothing was wrong.

 

[Crazy Liz]