Suffering from OCB

[Liftyourhand7]

Thanks Boxer I really appreciate the advice I am really struggling with the thought of getting help, one day I think ok I'm going to go to a therapist then the next I think what if I go to a therapist and it doesnt help or change anything. Some days I feel better,and then I even feel guilty about feeling better. This disorder is so awful sometimes(No All of the time). Just keep praying for me you guys, I know the Lord is faithful and will send the right help my way, He has not forgotten or given up on me I know that. Blessings Jan

 

[gracealone]

It is awful Jan. It comes at you at so many different mental angles. It seems there is no where to hide from it. I understand your fears. I was afraid to start meds. because I was afraid that I'd have to find out that they wouldn't work for me. I was afraid of therapy for the same reason. I pictured the Doc. saying..., sorry Mitzi you are a hopeless case.. we've tried everything and you'll just have live with this for the rest of your life... blah.. blah, blah.. on and on goes the OCD hampster in the wheel of my brain.
But guess what? The meds. are helping as is doing therapy and just learning to "let the thoughts be there".
I hope you'll go get help soon. I know it's terrifying.. but it's a huge step in the right direction.
You are not alone.. I'm praying for you and I love you.
Mitzi

 

[michaelj77]

Hi Jan,
Just read your posts today and let me tell you that I can totally relate to your story. I too suffered for many years with anxiety and depression due to regrets i had in life. It affected my life very much and specially my christian life. I also loved the Lord and served Him a lot when I was a teen. But I began to think that I could not feel His presence and there was no peace in me. Earlier serving the Lord, preaching and worship leading was a joy, but now it became a burden. I could not understand what was wrong - I tried to pray more seek God more but the joy would not be there. My sleep was also affected - I got up feeling very tired. I too didn't want to tell anyone because I thought they won't understand. I basically didn't know there was something called depression.
Then when I was looking for a job I realised that I didn't have the courage to take up a job, I realised I needed help. Some of my christian friends saw that I was troubled and this also opened my eyes. Then through counselling I realised that I needed medical help also.
The road has not been easy - I was also very reluctant to take drugs and would stop the meds when there were any side effects.I had to accept that the meds would have side effects and I had to be patient. But now I feel much better in the sense that I am more calm and enjoy praying and serving the Lord. So meds have helped me and I suggest you also see a psychiatrist.
There were 2 things that helped me -
1. Taking medicines to correct the chemical imbalance in the brain.
2. correcting the wrong thought patterns in your mind. This means filling your mind with the truth like " God loves me for who I am not what I do. Even if i don't serve Him he'll love me" You need to keep confessing the truth to yourself. Also pray together with other christians - it will be a great encouragement.
I will definitely pray for you and gracealone!! You are not alone. God bless you!

 

[Liftyourhand7]

Hi Micheal and Mitzi, Sorry I didn't get back to you sooner, I have just been so down even to get on the computer is hard, I know you guys are right I can't go on like this. God is sending me so much help I am so grateful that he cares for me so much. I am going to make a promise to both of you, I am going to make an appointment this week to see a pastor who is also a psycotherapist (I'm not sure I spelled that right!) I stayed in bed for two days this week so that is telling me its time to reach out and get some help, just keep reminding me I'm doing the right thing, I have a friend who is on medications for his depression and he looks like a zombie most of the time, I can't take having that happen to me. I have alot of fears about this thing, I'm always the one helping other people so this is all new to me. Like I told you berore I am one of the music ministers at my church its so hard to get up in front of people on Sunday morning and try to encourgae them when my heart is breaking inside, but I feel like I must press on. Please keep praying for me you guys God is faithful to see us through anything as tough as it might be. I will let you know when I have my first appt. so you can be praying. Thank you Love Jan

 

[michaelj77]

Hi Jan,
I'm glad to hear that you are going to see the pastor who is also a doctor. He would be able to give you spiritual and emotional guidance as well as the medical advise. I too first saw a pastor who was also a GP and he was able to explain what was happening and gave me advice.
I know its tough when you've helped others and you never thought yourself as sick to suddenly realise you are sick. I was also one who was never sick in my life and to take medicines for depression for a long time was tough.
But you know Jan there is one statement that gave me great strength " The length of recovery for a believer is not the same as an unbeliver" That true. God's given me the grace to do a full time job as a software programmer where life's been hectic sometimes. But somehow I've managed to do my job and to be promoted too!! As God's children we know He has the best for us and His healing power is available every day!!
I would give you some information about anti depressants. They will have side effects such as headache, drowsiness etc. This will be more pronounced when you start initially and will gradually reduce. So don't be surprised about it if you have side effects. But you will have the benefits of the medication like more confidence and calmness. So hang in there at the start!
We would stand with you to pray for you and give any advice. "The Lord is my helper what should I fear"!!!
God bless you,
Micheal

 

[gracealone]

Hi Jan,
So good to hear that you are going to get help. You see that even with all the knowledge that you are getting about OCD you are still afflicted. That is because it really is an afflicition. If the amygdala,(anxiety center), of your brain was functioning properly you would just be able to easily dismiss all these fears. I also went through the "dread" of medication. If I heard one negative thing about antidepressants I could only focus on that instead of all the positive things I'd heard about how they help so many people. Don't be discouraged if you notice side affects at first these should get better with time. Also, be sure, that the Doc. starts you on a very small dose and works you up gradually. For some of us when we begin them we may have an increase in anxiety which goes away in a few weeks so that is why it's important to start with a small dose. Talk to the Doc. about this when you see him.
Wish I could give you a hug of encouragement. I'll just have to let the Lord hold you which is far better anyway.
Love, Mitzi

 

[Liftyourhand7]

Hi Mitzi and Micheal, THank you guys for your encouragement I now feel just numb you know how that is its like whats the use, I am trying to go on it's hard as you know. Keep those prayers coming my way and Mitzi I will take that hug from you thank you my friend, I wish that you were my next door neighbor so we could have coffee and just talk but I'm glad we have the computer and we have the same Lord who can hug us both. You to Micheal thank you so much, for your words to me I am very glad that you are doing so much better. I know there is hope(Jesus) I don't know how He puts up with me but he does. Love you guys Jan

 

[Liftyourhand7]

Hi Mitzi and Micheal, Well my friends it seems as though things are getting rougher than ever, I have an appointment on THursday to see a phycotherapist at 11:00am please pray at that time I would really appreciate it I can't even believe how down I am, hard even to get out of bed and when I do I feel like I havent slept for days.(Depression) . It seems the more I think about this disorder the more depressed I get, I just cry all of the time. Oh well, I know we all have been there. I am reading God's word and even though the truth is it does apply to me, It feels like it is for everyone else and not for me ( does that make any sense?) As I Led worship on Sunday with a smile on my face I felt like I had an elephant on my chest, I'm telling everyone else to trust God when I can't even do it myself. A friend and I went out to lunch and she said she can see the sadness in me. Mitzi I don't want to have a false sense of security with medication I really want God to heal me,you guys Just keep hanging in there with me. Love You Jan

 

[michaelj77]

Hi Jan,
I'm glad that you'll be seeing a phycotherapist on thursday, it'll be good and
I'm sure you'll be encouraged after the session. Go right ahead - our prayers
are with you!!May the Lord lead you to the correct medicine and therapy.

Don't feel guilty or upset about taking meds. Meds are also a way God heals and
its the attitude of our hearts that matters. While taking my meds I always pray
in the night asking for the LOrd's healing. So my faith is in Him rather than
the meds. Why you feel bad is cos of the depression, so when you take some meds you'll feel better.

I'm glad that you haven't given up on leading worship. I know it must be hard.
But faith is confidence in God even when things are not ok and you just don't
feel great. So its by faith that you can say God is good, not by the way you
feel. Worship has helped me quite a lot through my situation - I love to
worship and even when I feel I can't pray I feel really lifted up when I
worship. So keep singing to the Lord!! Keep doing the things you enjoy to do!!
Take care & God bless
Micheal

 

[gracealone]

HI Jan,
Good, Good, Good!! I'm so proud of you taking that sooo scary step. But it is the right thing to do. I understand about the medication mind battle. I dreaded taking medication. I thought, "if I take medication I'll just be depending on the medicine and not ever working on therapy to really get better, so the medicine will just mask my symptoms but I'll really still be sick." Sound familiar by any chance? Bottom line, I'm so glad I started the meds. they are really helping me to DO the thereapy. Without them I couldn't muster up the courage to tackle this rotten affliction head on.
Yes... I do understand about the, isolated feelings. You feel as you look around you at church that everyone with the exception of yourself, are productive Christians with awesome faith. You envy their joy and their walk with the Lord. You feel isolated from Him, cut off, numb to Him. Feelings lie!!! He is there and you will know the joy of your salvation.
Let us know how your appt. goes... don't you dare back out, no matter how scared or sick you are. ( I sat there feeling like I would vomit and covered with nervous hives.) Above all, you need to be as transparent and honest as possible about all the thoughts with the therapist. This will help them do their job.
I have another assignment for you. Please pray for my precious daughter in law. She just had meds. switched so she can try and have a baby. The new med. isn't the right one and she is going through a really rough patch right now of spiking thoughts and images. She too, because she loves the Lord sooo much is made miserable by doubts and fears concerning her salvation.
Amazing isn't it how God brought her into my family. Up until then she always thought her problems were due to a lack of faith. She felt like a freak, isolated within her tortured mind. Then she met me... and we are sooo much alike. She's a blessing to me.
Some day, God will use you to encourage another who has your same affliction as a matter of fact I think He already has.
I love you.. I'm praying for you everyday...promise!
Mitzi

 

[Liftyourhand7]

Hi Everyone, Well I went to my appt. today I thought I was seeing a Christian Psycotherapist, when I walked in the door I felt strange, as I started to read the literature that was in the office I knew I was in the wrong place, it talked about crystals, and weird kinds of meditation also this plaque on the wall said something like if you are in a deep hole in a place of darkness than look to your god whatever or whoever that might be, No thank you I picked up my purse and practically ran from that place. I am glad that God has given me discernment, I am going to write a letter to my Doctor (My General physcian and tell him what is going on with me I think that is a good place to start.) I'm not giving up Mitzi just keep praying that God will send me to the right place. I'm a little dicouraged because we all have been praying oh well Like the apostle Paul tells us in the new testament keep pressing on,this is my motto. Love you guys Jan

 

[gracealone]

Hi Jan,
Ya, I probably would have left that place also.... mumbo jumbo. It isn't necessary, though,for you to see a Christian psychologist. I have no idea if mine is or not, I only see her for her expertise concerning different anxiety disorders just as I would see a heart Dr.,(who might not be a Christian), for a heart problem. I do talk about my faith in Christ and she is very supportive of it. I see this as an opportunity to share my faith.
Your GP can refer you to someone who specializes in OCD/anxiety disorders and also get you on the right meds.
I have some copies of the article I mentioned on OCD written by a Christian Dr. as well as my article which accompanies it. It's a good article to share with your family as it explains the problems that Christians with OCD encounter as well as the pain and suffering that can be caused by Christians who misunderstand the disorder to be a spirtual problem, unconfessed sin or lack of faith. It was put out by Focus on the Family/Dr. Dobson's organization. If you want me to mail you a copy you can pm me with an address. I promise to keep your address private. I'd scan it and email it to you except that my scanner at the cottage isn't compatible with my newer computer.
I have 6 copies of the article in case any one else is interested.
Hang in there and keep us posted as to how you are doing.
Love YA,
Mitzi

 

[unpardoned1]

I know where you are because I have been there and am still there a lot of the time. When I was 16 I had horrible blasphemous thoughts and I felt that I was commiting the unpardonable sin.(hence the name unpardoned1) The thoughts came by their own free will or sometimes I would feel compelled to think them. This happened again when I was 18, only this time, I actually had a thought out of my own anger towards the Holy Spirit and because this thought was so bad and evil and opposite to who the Holy Spirit is, I have felt that I was going to hell for it ever since. It was my own words in my mind and it happened so fast because I was so frustrated because maybe for a moment I blamed the Holy Spirit because these thoughts I kept having were about Him. I am still so frustrated and I pray to God all the time that He will and has forgiven me, mostly out of fear, but I know the thought was wrong. I have never been a very useful Christian since then and now I am 29 so its been 11 years! Somtimes the fear of what I said in my mind when I was 18 comes back to me in full swing and I am incapacitated, like last summer. If you can find my posts from last year you will see how bad I felt. It is on the back burner now, but its still haunting me.

Anyway, enough about me, I just wanted you to know I not only have had bad horrible unwanted thoughts, I even had one of my own because I had been sooooo tortured. I do feel that my whole life has been internal terroism! It has never been fun easy or relaxing

Also, I have the kind of OCD in which I have blasphmous or other bad horrible thoughts and sometimes I do compulsions to "clear the thoughts" away from me. These involve torturous sometimes painful odd movements, prayers, or more. I am on Paxil and I will admit that although 30 mg of Paxil took the horrible OCD symptoms away, I really don't like it because it deadened all feeling completely, and caused high blood pressure. I take Klonipin when I'm having a bad day. I'm on 10mg paxil now.

OP, WHERE ARE YOU FROM?????

 

[Liftyourhand7]

Hi Mitzi, I don't know what it means to pm someone but if you tell me how to do that I will send you my address. I have no problem doing that, I think of you as a good friend. I am sending my general physican a letter today I feel that I can express myself a little bit better in a letter then in seeing him face to face for right now. He has been a good doctor to me for so many years and will give me a call as soon as he reads the letter, I'm sure He will feel by just looking at me that he never would of thought I had these kinds of problems. Yes I would love to read the articles by Focus on the Family and your article I think it will really help me. I'm not doing so well right now but God will get me through,(He has never failed me before so I know he will not now). Just keep those prayers coming. I have been reading the Psalms lately, I know David suffered from some sort of depression too, you can just tell by what He writes,It's hard to even read the Bible lately but I know it is good for all of us to read God's word it will not return void thats why we must continue to read it no matter how we (FEEL). Unpardonable1, Thank you for responding to my post, I don't know if you read the post I left on your posting area but if you haven't read it yet please do, you have not blasphemed the Holy Spirit you are fine, just keep trusting the Lord even when you don't (FEEL) good, I love this verse Philippians 4:8 the first part of that verse says and finally brethern whatever is true, noble right pure lovely think on these things, What is true, Jesus died for our sins ALL of them we believe in him and nothing can seperate us from him. It does not matter what we have done good or (bad)because its not about us, its about what He has done for us I know its hard for we that have OCD to believe this, but that doesn't change the truth. Hang in there my dear sister we will have victory over this because Jesus says we will and I believe him! Oh by the way I am from California. Have a blessed day Jesus loves you! Jan

 

[marcb]

Hi Pardoned1!

I know this has been tough. There is a way out and I want to encourage you not to give up. There will be bad days, but sometimes we have to distance ourselves from the thoughts. I have them quite a bit still when I'm having a bad day, but they don't matter much anymore. They used to control my entire mood. If I had them when I was angry, then I would hold myself more accountable. When we obsess, we do so in any mood and under any weather, so give yourself a break. Just because you were angry, doesn't mean you are somehow "guilty."

Remember, our most merciful Jesus judges, we do not, not even for ourselves. Could you imagine if God wanted us to judge others or even ourselves? We'd all be toast. That's how hard we are on ourselves.

It might be time to ask your MD to reconsider the meds you are on. Many psychiatrists recommend higher doses of SSRI's (like 40mg) for ocd. I had to "rev up" to 40 mg of lexapro and have no immediate plans to change this. I also take 5mg of Klonopin nightly, whether I am having a bad day or not.

Praying for you.

 

[HeatherG]

Pardoned 1,

Just wanted to say there have been times I have felt that I was blaspheming in anger against the Holy Spirit. I think it's because the OCD is able to morph itself to whatever we feel is really the unforgivable sin. For example, when my OCD started, the words just came from nowhere, and after a while of feeling totally shocked and condemned about that, I finally thought, "Well, it's just words in my head, it's not like I'm saying them in anger or anything." Lo and behold, next time I was angry the words came immediately and then I was even more convinced I'd committed the unforgivable sin.
There have been a number of occasions when I really have not been sure if I was doing it deliberately or not. Then later I heard somewhere that the blasphemy against the Holy Spirit was saying that a miracle done by God was in fact done by the power of Satan (as in the context of that passage in the Bible). Of course, as soon as I heard that, whenever someone said that God had done something miraculous in their lives, I would immediately have the thought, "Maybe it was Satan pretending to be God." Just because that was what I was perceiving the unforgivable sin to be at that time. Our minds are annoyingly good at tricking us and moving one step ahead of us.

I would like to encourage you to just try living as if God has forgiven you (which He has). I know you feel unworthy, but none of us ever deserved His grace anyway. Accept His gift of forgiveness. He doesn't want you to be in bondage like this.

Jan, I'm sorry for hijacking your thread and responding to someone else. I have been following your story but didn't really have anything to add that hadn't been said already. Gracealone is doing a fantastic job. I do hope and pray that you will find a good, non-New Age psychiatrist who can guide you in the right direction. I am praying for you and all the others struggling in this forum.

Heather

 

[gracealone]

HI... as Marc said, "pardoned" one,
Who hasn't had an angry thought towards God at one time or another. Often, when I'm really suffering I get angry. I will say, "I asked you for more faith and this is what I get in return?" and many, many times, "why have you made me in this way?" But OCD will take anything like that and throw it back in your face.. and say, "see how can you possibly call yourself a Christian with that kind of anger in your heart toward God?" It's diabolical!!
I don't think that you can accurately measure whether you are useful to God or not. I think it's better that we don't try to measure or dwell on this too much but just live moment by moment as He leads us. As soon as I begin to dwell on my fruitfulness or pat myself on the back about some deed I think I've done for Him, it's then that I know that pride is climbing back on the throne of my heart. It's kind of like this...

"So for awhile with Him I go,
And feel His presence in me grow,
But then it is, I'll often say,
"How good of me to walk this way",
Then I look down to find my feet,
Upon that old familiar street,
That well worn path of mine called Pride,
On which my feet with ease do glide.

God needs many of us to be wholly dependant on Him in order that He can reign in us. I tell Him to reign me in so He can reign in me.

I know of one way that God is using you right now and that is to encourage folk on this forum who suffer in the same way that you do. Clearly you have a compassionate heart. Wonder where that came from?
I read a small book this last winter by a monk called Brother Lawrence, called "Practicing the Presence of God". This book has encouraged so many people in their walk with Christ and yet the author was tortured for 10 years by thoughts that he was on his way to hell because of his sin. In reading it I couldn't help but think that he had OCD. I'm quite sure he felt he was unpardoned also. I think the book was written in either the 1700's or 1800's. I just thought you might like to read it. God used this man mightily and he is still bearing fruit even though he's at home with the Lord.
Marc gave really great advice, I trust his counsel, so maybe you should talk to the Doc. about trying another medication.
Praying for you!
Mitzi

 

[Liftyourhand7]

Hi Heather, Thank you so much for following my posts I will take all the prayers anyone has to give. I strongly believe in prayer and I know it changes things. And you can hijack my posts anytime, thank you for the advice you give to others and anytime you see me running in the wrong direction please tell me God has given us each other to help each other and I really want to say to you and marc and mitzi and mike and whoever else has responded thank you I love you guys and keep you in my prayers. I can do all things through Christ who strenghtens me. (even if FEELINGS try to tell me otherwise.) BLessings Jan

 

[michaelj77]

Hi Jan,
Sorry I couldn't reply for some time. I'm really glad that God showed you the doctor was a fake and you didn't get misguided. Thank God we know the truth and we will not be deceived by the devil.
I will keep praying that God will guide you to a good doc who will advse you and would genuinely be concerned for u. My first doctor was like that and I knew he was so genuine. I trusted him and the mediation he gave. It helped me to really understand the sickness and how I am to overcome it. Though I don't go to him now I bless Him and know God directed me to him. Do hope u find a doc like that!!
Yesterday I felt tired and sleepy, had a bad day. I couldn't go to church as well. You have to expect that some days will be like that. I'm trying to study for an MBA and I need to find one that has classes on the weekends, since i'm working. Sometimes I feel the pressure to go up the corporate ladder so that I could afford things that I want like a car and a good bank balance. Some times its so difficult to do anything in the evenings or study in the night as i get sleepy due to the meds. It gets to me sometimes.
Sorry that I shared these things with u all- hope i didn't make you'll discouraged. I needed to share with people who understand. I thank God for you all that I could share my problems with.
Shall be praying for you and Mitzy and all the others!!
God bless
micheal

 

[marcb]

Pardoned 1,

Just wanted to say there have been times I have felt that I was blaspheming in anger against the Holy Spirit. I think it's because the OCD is able to morph itself to whatever we feel is really the unforgivable sin. For example, when my OCD started, the words just came from nowhere, and after a while of feeling totally shocked and condemned about that, I finally thought, "Well, it's just words in my head, it's not like I'm saying them in anger or anything." Lo and behold, next time I was angry the words came immediately and then I was even more convinced I'd committed the unforgivable sin.
There have been a number of occasions when I really have not been sure if I was doing it deliberately or not. Then later I heard somewhere that the blasphemy against the Holy Spirit was saying that a miracle done by God was in fact done by the power of Satan (as in the context of that passage in the Bible). Of course, as soon as I heard that, whenever someone said that God had done something miraculous in their lives, I would immediately have the thought, "Maybe it was Satan pretending to be God." Just because that was what I was perceiving the unforgivable sin to be at that time. Our minds are annoyingly good at tricking us and moving one step ahead of us.

Wow! You just summarized my entire ocd experience. I got really obsessed with "checking" commentary after commentary to "reassure" myself I hadn't done "IT." As I learned more and more about what "IT" was, I would breathe a sigh of relief that I had not done "IT." Then, at some inconvenient time, "IT" would come out of nowhere like a lightning bolt. I would leave work "sick" because I could not deal.

Entertain this idea: If scripture said the unpardonable sin was something random, like thinking about a purple fish, I say confidently those of us with OCD would have responded the same way as with the blasphemy issue. Let's say we then found out our translation was inaccurate and it was actually a green fish, and not only green, but a frog. Would we have followed the same pattern of thinking and self-condemnation?

Now consider the real scripture: Christians are told, "when you heard the word of truth, the good news of your salvation and believed, YOU WERE SEALED WITH THE PROMISED HOLY SPIRIT" (Ephesians 1:13).
SEALED BABY! WE ARE LOCKED IN THANKS TO GOD'S AMAZING PLAN -- NOT OURS!

Now, the warning to Christians is: "Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were SEALED for the day of redemption" (Ephesians 4:30). This is huge! The Holy Spirit is here to stay, but is a person of the trinity with feelings. In our relationship with the Holy Spirit, we are asked to appreciate and participate with the work of the Spirit, and are simply instructed not to resist His work.

Now, stop obsessing over whether you really are a Christian or whether you really did have faith before this all started and praise God for your security and His plan for you!