struggling with anger

[LN]

When I was younger (college and high school), there were several situations where other girls were very mean and cruel to me. Some of these girls were even Christians. It was very painful. Things they did ranged from talking about me behind my back, to saying rude things to my face, to suddenly saying mean things to me, to leaving me out of activities whenever possible.

In my first job out of college, the girls who worked in my department were administrators and I came in above entry level because of my credentials. My bosses really liked me and would praise me publicly. The girls would all go out to lunch, leaving me to eat by myself. They would whisper and stop talking when I'd walk by. It was extremely painful and I would often come home crying.

For a long time I let it affect my self-esteem and how I felt about myself. Then I realized they were jealous. I was/am attractive (to most of the guys I ran into anyways), I graduated college with a 4.0, and I seem to get along well with most of the people I meet. They had a lot of motivation to try to drag me down.

So what these girls did no longer affects my self-esteem, but I find that I will be driving down the road and flashes of anger will come over me. I never had it in me to tell any of these girls how badly they hurt me, so I will imagine rehersing what I would say to them if I had the opportunity. I know that the anger comes into my head more than it should, and it really gets me worked up when I start thinking about it again.

I know that I need to pray about this more, as I am just starting to recognize that its a problem that needs to be prayed for. Has anyone else experienced these feelings? I have such a wonderful life and a wonderful husband, I feel like its the one thing that is keeping me from being happy 100% of the time.

LN

 

[drdeancrosby]

LN you are experiencing the power of unforgiveness and you are a living testament to the fact that Jesus' teachings really do help to improve people's lives.As you state,your failure to forgive those who slighted you,get's you all worked up and upsets your happiness.Unfortunately, what you forgot to add is that it also has the potential to send you to hell.Jesus said that He would forgive us as we(or to the extent that we) forgive others.Fortunately there's a very simple spiritual exercise you can practice.When you rehearse the slights you were subjected to and then hear yourself rebuking those who did it to you,you are practicing hate,not love toward your enemies as you have been commanded.Don't follow the example of politicans who run their election campaigns on the hate of our enemies.Follow the example of Jesus who taught us to do onto others as we would have them do unto us.So when you find yourself feeling anger and hate toward your personal enemies,immediately stop your sin thoughts and start to pray to God for forgiveness.Forgiveness for your own hate,but even more importantly,forgiveness for those who have emotionally hurt you - forgiveness by you AND FORGIVENESS BY GOD FOR THEIR BEHAVIOR.(very important)If you consistently keep practicing this exercise,you'll find your unforgiveness problem will vanish.

 

[Bain_Adaneth]

I know what you're going through...you have to learn to forgive them...ask God to help them...even pity them because they will be judge, just as you will....it's good to ask God to help you relieve that anger. LN don't think about things that will make you mad..that's exactly what the devil wants you to do.... Don't get hurt by these people...they don't even know the special person that you are...but remember God loves them too....just as he loves you...show them what a christian is supposed to be like...by loving God and obeying His Words...pretty soon they will know and regret...and they may ask God for forgiveness and feel sad because of what they have done.

 

[LN]

DrDean Thanks for your response. I do think you might be want to practice is saying things in a way that is helpful, and not so harsh. i.e.

Unfortunately, what you forgot to add is that it also has the potential to send you to hell.

Although I agree most of what you wrote - the tone of that is very condesending. I am new here but am finding that a lot of people on this board struggle with making a point without making an enemy.

Bain - Great advice and well said. Thank you! I will definately do as you suggest. It nice to hear that someone else has felt this way too.

 

[katelyn]

LN - I have struggled with self-esteem also, because of the way I have been treated. I really do have a lot going for me in life, so some people are shocked to hear that I have self-esteem issues. But what other people say about me and the way they treat me really affects me. But I am learning that the way I feel about myself should not be determined by what other people think (or what I think they think - I know I probably sometimes misinterpret others' intentions because of past experience of being hurt...it makes me a skeptic at times).

What I think about myself should be determined by what God thinks of me, since it's his opinion that matters anyway. I'm not perfect, but I am loved, and God has granted me special gifts (just as he grants to everyone - but we're still all special because of it!).

It's important to let go of the anger toward others who have hurt you. By holding onto the anger we can sometimes encourage their hateful behavior. They see us tense up and frown when they walk by, and it only fuels their negativity. They either enjoy seeing us worked up, or misinterpret and think that we are acting that way because we don't like them, when it's really because they've hurt us. But if we fill our hearts with Jesus, when those people walk by, all they'll see is your calm, peaceful face. That could go either way in how it affects others - it could fuel their jealousy of you...OR it could help them realize that you aren't such a bad person.

It isn't easy to stay strong against attacks like that. It really helps to have a few friends that you know that you can always go to for friendship and support, to get away from that hostility for a while. I don't really have that right now...we recently moved and so I'm still kind of an "outsider" at church and my old friends back home are too busy to chat on the phone too often. But if you have a few friends like that, I know it really helps put the bad times into perspective.

 

[katelyn]

Okay, I re-read your original post and realized that perhaps you aren't around these people anymore or that at any rate they don't bother you so much anymore...but you're still angry about the way that they treated you.

I go through that too...not too extreme, but I think back to high school and then I think about how at my high school reunion I would love to show some people how they never really gave me a chance and never got to know who I was as a person, and maybe they missed out on something because of that.

But I know that's silly. Whenever I think about that, I have to ask myself - what am I getting out of showing them up or telling them off? Is it going to change the way they treated me? No. Will it make them sorry? Probably not really. Then what's the point? If I'm honest with myself, the answer is: Revenge. Oops. Not a good thing.

Instead of plotting ways of exacting revenge in some form, praying over those very people might be a good idea. Pray that God might reveal to them how the way they acted was wrong and how it hurt you. Pray that they will grow and mature so they may not treat another sensitive soul the way they treated you.

It's not easy to let go of hurt feelings like that. Sometimes you can think that you let them go, but Satan likes to bring them back and remind us so that we won't move on. When he tries to, remind him that God has allowed you to move on. Or take what he means for evil (by bringing you down with hurt and anger), and use it for good (by praying over the ones that hurt you).

Okay, I've said a whole lot here...I hope that you might find at least a few bits and pieces of it helpful! God bless!

 

[LN]

Katelyn

Thank you for your wonderful advice and for sharing!

It sounds like you and I have had the same feelings about this before. When I see large groups of women I get nervous that the same thing will happen as before.

Satan likes to bring them back and remind us so that we won't move on.

THIS IS SO TRUE. Thanks for reminding me of that.

*HUGS*

Of to pray....

 

[katelyn]

Sharing with you helped me remind myself of some truths, which is definitely a good thing! Be blessed!

 

[mina]

wow this is like the story of my high school years, but it was guys and girls being mean to me. I have trouble trusting anyone now, male or female. I'm trying to get past seeing all people as hurtful with ulterior motives. I have stuggled with the pains of my past for a long time. I have felt the effects on my self esteem and self worth rippling into my present situations. I too have been angry. One thing that really helped me was to identify with Christ. Read the gospels. People were horrible to Jesus, for absoulutely no reason. Get to know how He responded to those people and follow Him as your example. Jesus has been there , he knows how it feels. It is so important that you forgive them and be able to move on. Unforgiveness will make you bitter and unproductive for Christ. I still stuggle with this. I was in Target the other day and saw one of those people from my past. I went and hid in another part of the store. haha. I'm glad you have good things in your life to help you feel better and give you hope, you are lucky for that.

 

[WeakButHopeful]

LN and everyone else, I was just getting ready to start a new thread about problems I've had over the last few days with anger, and reading this thread has helped me somewhat. I may still start a separate thread, but I wanted to say that the driving down the road thinking of things I should have said to those who ridiculed me is, sadly, something that could have been drawn from my own life. It is not something I am proud of, and yes, I believe I do suffer from low self-esteem.

Aside from that general kind of slow burn that you describe, I also have a problem with bad temper, where I will sometimes lash out in very unChristian outbursts of cynicism or sarcasm or rudeness. Since those outbursts are unplanned and sudden and rapid in the ramp up, my brain is not in gear and saying things to myself like "My patience IS insufficient, I have to rely on Christ's patience, I am a new creation in Him" or similar truths never seem to work because I seem to be "seeing red" and not capable of cool rational thought for a few minutes. Sometimes my hands even shake.

If anyone else has had that kind of problem please share what helped.

And, of course, this isn't my only problems with my Christian walk, but it is a serious one.

Thanks and God bless.

 

[LN]

Thanks for sharing Mina and Weakbuthopful. Sounds like we're all in this together.

I still struggle with replaying redicule in my head or thinking about what I'd say in response, but I'm trying to make my prayer to the Lord to help me forgive louder than those voices. Its slowing working I think

Regarding the self-esteem, I believe that personally knowing and loving God, and knowing that we are so special to Him is key. I also think that I have strong self esteem because I really do love my life. It has taken a long time for me to get to that point, but I think praying that the Lord show me what I should be doing so that I would love my life helped a lot!

I LOVE my job, and I love my friends and husband. About two years ago, I cut off all friendships that were unhealthy. It was hard but it was what I needed to do. I also joined a church and immediately pursued pulling together a young adults group so I have met friends there. A couple years ago I finally determined (and physically wrote down!) what I would and would not accept in a relationship and the Lord brought my husband and I together. He is the best.

I think it was really just standing up for myself in my head and saying "this is what I will and won't take." Both for boyfriends and friends. I also decided that I wouldn't accept being sort-of-happy with my job. So I quit and started my own business doing something I love (in prayer of course). Jesus wants us to love everyone, but also to protect our hearts in wisdom and be happy.

I think sometimes the Lord can show us what will make us happy and then we have to pursue our own happiness.


LN

 

[Phileo]

....I know that the anger comes into my head more than it should, and it really gets me worked up when I start thinking about it again....

LN

Hi LN first I commend you on the desire to have these feelings of anger be banished from your thoughts. It is hard to be treated with UNDUE meaness. Yet such is the human flesh.

I would have you know that your anger is NOT a sin. Anger is an acceptable emotion to God, just like happy or sad. The scripture says, "do not allow your anger to cause you to sin..." but there is no place in Scripture whereby it, in and of itself is deemed to be sinful.

I get angry... and when the circumstance are such as those that you have described... I usually go into my "I SHOULD HAVE TOLD THEM... BLAH BLAH BLAH" mode. Their is nothing sinful about it... it is one way to release the anger, but alas you are right... at some point the anger will reappear. (In all honesty it is an anger born of hurt)

On the other hand, I find that I can more easily rid myself of the anger when I ask myself; "what constructive way can I ditch this feeling?" For me overcoming usually means giving away that which I want most.

If I see others being slighted for no reason... I will come to their side... because no one stood up for me.

When I see bigotry, I speakout and embrace the one who is be hated for no valid reason (whatever the bigotry)... in hopes that someone will see the content of my character and not the color of my hair. <grin>

When I see bullies picking on the weak, I will stand strong on the behalf of the weaker... because no one stopped the bully who chased me home.

When I see someone who is friendless and feeling rejected... I will befriend them and accept them as they are.

Here in my dearest sister lies the answer and good riddance to that pesky anger!

God bless you and I pray your success!

P.S. also even if they are a bunch of jerks... not accepting your friendship was their loss. But pray always that God forgives them for such ignorant and childish behavior, and that He will open their eyes to their mean ways.

 

[Suzannah]

Dear LN,
I too struggle with this and I'm over the hill, where you're still in your twenties..that should tell you that we never really get over the pain do we, until we give it to Him and leave it at the Cross. Here's where the Bible says we have to "hold our thoughts captive". It is very hard, I know. I have many things in my past that STILL bug me, sometimes, and make me angry, even all these years later....finally, someone shared with me something so simple I almost fell out of my chair:
"Whenever the Enemy reminds you of your past, you just remind him of his future!"

And it really does work. The Enemy preys upon our weaknesses....my weaknesses might be different than Phileo's for example...so what I'm struggling with at times might not be the same for her.....but our Enemy is the same! And we both know how he works...

(Great post, Phileo! Lots of wisdom there, sister!)

 

[WeakButHopeful]

Thanks very much for the good advice Phileo and Suzannah. And thanks LN for letting me share this thread.

Merry Christmas.