struggling...agian

[Leta]

I'm so frustrated! I didn't cut yesturday...yea me.... but today I took my kids to the movies and I had a thing of popcorn. Being bulimic as well it was difficult for me but I didn't purge. I felt like junk the rest of the day. This popcorn was the only thing in days I have digested. I put the kids to bed and that stupid popcorn was still on my mind! I want to cut so bad right now and why because I didn't throw up that stupid popcorn and i'm obsessing! I want to cut out of frustration and self hatred. Instead of getting excited over not purging I hate myself for not doing it! I just got through b/p and now I want to cut for doing it! Will this ever end? Have you ever not cut or b/p and feel you've cheated, or let "it" down? Then went ahead and did it later and hate that you did it! I'm so confused and frustrated! I know how much it greives the Lord and that He hates that I do this to myself and that it has nothing to do with Gods plan but I can't stop! What is wrong with me!
As always thank you for listening to me rant and rave!
God Bless,
Saleta

 

[Bevlina]

I think you are grieving Leta. That's why. And I think the grieving is so bad you can't find what it is you are grieving about.
But, we are here to love and help you! To enfold you in our arms and bring you through!
You are so precious!!

 

[Leta]

Thank you Bev ! I am going through a very hard time right now with the divorce. I am grieving, I fear too much. My soon to be ex husband comes over to see the children but he goes through my fridge sits on the couch, and falls asleep all while the kids are trying to get his attention! He wanted to be free, he wanted to be rid of me but he keeps showing up here treating me and the kids no diffrent then when he was living here and we were married! I got so mad at him today because agian he fell asleep on MY couch I left him there and took the kids to the park and to dinner. He was gone when we got back home, but the thing is I'm letting him walk all over me still! I b/p dinner when I got home then I b/p cookies that I made for the kids for a movie. Now all I want to do is cut! I've let ppl walk all over me my whole life and i'm sick of it!
Saleta

 

[goldenviolet]

*prayers & snuggles!*

 

[SavedByTheShoes]

you can do all things through he who gives you strength. It is a long struggle, your not weird most people who cut and or purge don't up and stop one day. it takes time. im am so proud of you right now for fighting the uges. i know its hard. God will bring you through it. you will have your bad days, youll have your good days and youll have your bad days again. God will be there with you through it all. Dont give up, i am proud of you!