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Yes....that *isn't* much help for you.
To me......it seems like this approach may just be about masking the belief system (I can certainly be wrong, though). I just hate how so much money needs to be poured into trying to solve these things, and even after doing that, you may find that wasn't the right therapist---and need to start the process all over again.
That's what happens. While witnessing the standard of "we don't take notice of that" children learn that any "negative" thoughts or emotions they might have, just won't be tolerated----so, they have to squash them.
I agree..saying you shoudl just bail is the easiest adn laziest approach..it coudl very well end up you need to leave..but its HIGHLY premature to suggest that sjust what you should do..Your attitude shoud be WE are getting help so there is a lot of hope..that doesnt MEAN if you question or have doubts you should be told "well then just leave then'..Based on that advice anytime we are distressed or having an extremely hard tiem we shoudl ether shut up ..or leave..Why is it all or nothing?Divorce if thats what he meant should be a last resort..and ya'll are JUST now starting to get help..
Dallas
Only when someone says, "this is NOT normal----this is destructive" will things begin to get unraveled. So glad you took the initiative, DesMom. Truth does set us free. It never helps to minimize or look other directions (and especially to pretend the conflicts aren't there).
Yes, I was shocked at how quickly this guy started pushing divorce. I keep telling him that I don't believe that my situation warrants divorce even though it is very serious, but that still seems to be his best suggestion to me. It's really frustrating because that's the last thing on my mind, and he keeps trying to explain to me that I "have options". It's really frustrating.
Oh on the deck thing..when he tried to make it out he couldnt do it because you 'needed his help" with the sleeping(right the peacefully sleeping baby ?)..You need to "learn" to think quick on your feet..Im the fastest shooter in the West.....Tell him thats NOT the truth ..that is a "lie"..O.K?What I NEED you to do or else Im going to make other arrangemnts for your failure to do what is truly needed around here is that deck finished..Im telling you right now thats what I NEED you to do..you can refuse to do it..thats fine ..but you're LYING TO YOURSELF if you imagine that its becasue I need you to do ANYTHING else ..Because FACT I dont..in FACT your pretending that I "need you " for these other things YOU are DECIDING I need (which again I dont) is a NUISCENCE to me not a help..O.K do you understand the defination of nuiscence or should I look it up?Then you can compare that to the definition of "helpful"?
Now that we have the defintions IM TELLING YOU ..What I need and what is helpful to me and what I DONT need and what is a nuisence to me...
Deck being finished (you working every spare minute you have until its done?)=helpful
Checking on ME ..helping me with the baby unless I ASK you to stop working on the deck to do that = nuiscence i.e UNHELPFUL
Got it?
Dallas
Does your husband ever try and force you (or it feels liek you are beign forced) to say things like you miss him?Or does he say it for you like in joke form like 'I know you missed me" and then laugh?
Just curious..
Dallas
I guess I never realized it before, but my family did the same thing growing up. Well, they tried to at least. I guess this is a common pattern with dysfunctional families. Maybe that's why I didn't even really notice it in my husband's family. Part of me probably even felt like it was comfortable to be around.
Yes!...the other day he left a note on the Greek yogurt that I picked up from the grocery store saying "I feel loved when you think to pick up my favorite breakfast items". Ugh, I just left a note back saying "That's what married adults do when they're at the grocery store".
Look for a different set of qualities in people, instead of charm. Look for sincerity, dependability, good listening, and an ability to share the spotlight (not having to always be the center of attention). Look for an ability to take feedback and realize when they have made mistakes. Look for flexibility. Look for deep kindness over time (not just big generosity right now, which is part of charm). Look for a person who has successful relationships with (healthy) friends and relatives that have held up for many years. Look for substance.
That gives me hope that he was sincere with you at that time....and that he's going for counseling....and that he's not doing the boomerang thing, where he instantly deflects the blame. IMO....those are all signs of hope.Yeah, now that I'm starting to see his behavior more clearly, I have been calling him out on it. I've been stopping conversations in the middle and pointing out his weirdness to him. The first time I did that, he stopped, and looked completely shocked at what he was doing. He said that he had no explanation other then "having to make me feel like he was right, even though he knew in his mind he was wrong". For the first time, I left the conversation feeling like I could put my finger on what had happened, and left him standing in the kitchen wondering what is wrong with himself (the way it should be!)
I see..putting way more meaning into it than it really is?Thats a little different than what im talking about..my husband pretends like he has no NEEDS at all so buying him yogurt would be more like "so what i dont need you do that I can do it for myself besides you paid too much for it I could have gotten it cheaper at Wal-Mart"..
Im talking about in a more direct way like calling me after only beign gone 30 minutes and saying "do you miss me"?..and honest to God Im not missign him I'm enjoying my space..but he woud call and ask me that 3 times a day ...then when he got home ..say "you need a hug I KNOW you missed me"..
Its the suffocating aspect of his "non needing neediness"..
Dallas
Oh man, that's got to be annoying. No, my husband doesn't do that, but he does text me constantly, and as you know he watches me and follows me around the house all the time.
That gives me hope that he was sincere with you at that time....and that he's going for counseling....and that he's not doing the boomerang thing, where he instantly deflects the blame. IMO....those are all signs of hope.
Yeah, I feel like there's hope too. If it does just boomerang again, than I'll know how bad the problem really is, I guess.
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