I got the opportunity tonight to see a speech and Q&A with Carla Fine, author of
No Time to Say Goodbye. I was struck by how similar her story is to mine -- workaholic spouses who took their own lives in the prime of their careers. Also, I enjoyed listening to her respond to questions about coming to grips with never knowing the full reasons for our loved ones' suicides. It was a good chance to connect with some folks on the counseling end of suicide survival, and a good encouragement to get to the local survivors support group. But as I was driving home, I got to thinking about something she said, how if she had her husband right there in front of her, she'd berate him for being so stupid as to take his life before he had a chance to experience all that has gone on in the past 20+ years. We all chuckled, but her point hit home.
She likened life to a book. You wouldn't stop reading a book before you'd get to the end, would you? Think of all the interesting things you'd miss out on! Sure, this part of the book is hard to read, but there's no telling what the rest of the book will bring. So why stop reading now?!?
Carla also talked about how the decision to end one's life is most often a momentary thing, spontaneous and unplanned. I thought about that on the way home and a few things came to mind:
- A moment of despair vs. a lifetime of hopes
- A moment of loneliness vs. a lifetime of people to meet and love
- A moment of fear vs. a lifetime of comfort
- A moment of pain vs. a lifetime of normal life
- A momentary lapse of reason vs. a lifetime of learning and growing
- A moment of feeling abandoned by God vs. a lifetime of knowing He is always with us
The worst thing for me is that my wife probably felt like she was solving her own problems with disability and our family's problems with finances and taking care of her. It was perhaps just a fleeting thought that caught hold of her imagination, and her despair took hold and expanded the irrational into something so large that it just HAD to be truth -- and yet it
wasn't. People say that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, and that is so true in the case of a disabled person who cannot see that her family loves and WANTS to care for her. The embarassment and discomfort of having someone else care for you is nothing compared to the pain we survivors must endure as a group. In fact, I would gladly trade the loss of my wife for her disability, any day of the week. I wish I could have gotten my wife to see that her physical and emotional problems were workable, that they were something that is, unfortunately, just a part of life.
Looking back at my own emotional roller coaster in life, I think about the times I was despondent and on the edge of suicide myself, but I always looked forward, never forgot that for every time I'd been hurt there were five or ten times I'd been loved. I look back at my life and realize that I would have missed out on so much:
- If I had killed myself when I got a divorce three years ago, then I wouldn't have returned to the church, wouldn't have made the new friends I've made, wouldn't have met and married my new and now lamented wife.
- If I had killed myself when I was struggling in grad school, I wouldn't have met my first wife, wouldn't have had two wonderful kids, wouldn't have met one of my lifelong friends, wouldn't have done so many fun things over the course of my first marriage.
- If I had killed myself when I was dumped by a girl I thought I might marry in college, I wouldn't have gone to grad school, never taught a class in college, and all the things above.
- If I had killed myself when I was stationed overseas in the Army, alone and afraid of the world, I never would have been awarded a medal, wouldn't have gone to college, wouldn't have come to see the world political situation so clearly once I got into intelligence work.
- If I had killed myself when I had an emotional breakdown in high school, I would have missed out on the new friends I met after high school, and wouldn't have joined the Army and learned the discipline that keeps me going today...
And that's just over the last 28 years. Imagine what more is in store for me over the next 28 years! I never have been one to completely give up on a book. I may put it down for a while, but I will eventually come back to it and finish it. It took me 40 years to get around to reading the whole Bible. And I am so glad I have read the whole thing! It's a great book! So why wouldn't I want to keep "reading" my own life? Yes, it'll have its ups and downs, its triumphs, blessings, and, yes, disciplines. But it is so true:
And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. --
Romans 8:28
All things --
good and bad -- work
together for good to those who love God... That is, the end result is good. There will be bad times and there will be good times, but overall, all those times work
together for good. My late wife knew that verse, and I tried to explain it to her, but I don't think she really took it to heart. Now it has become my blessing, along with:
Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope in His mercy,
To deliver their soul from death,
And to keep them alive in famine.
--
Psalm 33:18-19
We are not promised that those who fear the Lord will not experience famine, only that He will keep us alive when we are in a famine. Famine of the soul is perhaps even harder than a famine of food, because that is when we typically lose hope. But we are told here that for those who hope in God's mercy, God will keep His eye on them, deliver their souls from death, and keep them alive through the harshest times. We need to keep that hope alive.
Pastor Gadget
Good night!
