Starting Somewhere

[PastorGadget]

Needless to say, a lot has happened since I last posted here. Getting into the groove of things with my mother-in-law and my wife's son was fun and fulfilling. Now we have finally followed through on my late wife's wishes that her brother adopt her son, and so now the house is empty. Mother-in-law, my wife's son, and even her dog have all moved half-way across the country, and although I am entirely supportive of the arrangement, it still makes the house very lonely. Grandma and the boy were a big part of my life after my wife killed herself, and now that's gone, too. Eventually I will have to sell the house and find an apartment, because I cannot afford the house on my own. So another loss is looming. The losses seem to never stop.

This past week alone has been black, dark, and utterly depressing. Therapy helps, and even having time alone does have its advantages, but I have way too much time to dwell on the darkness. I'm not starving myself, but it's plain that my eating habits have changed when I lose 7 pounds in one week. My sleep cycles got way out of whack the past couple of months, and it was rare that I was able to get to sleep before 2AM. I even tried some sleeping pills, but the side effects were awful and I stopped. Now that I am alone in the house, I am settling into a strange alternating sleep cycle -- up late one night, in bed early the next -- and waking up consistently at 5:15 AM the past few days. At least I am sleeping better now.

Last week I had so much time alone I ended up focusing on that night when my wife died. The graphic memories came back again and again, and the emotions of those first few days -- when I couldn't go to our bedroom for more than a few minutes at a time, when I wept at the drop of a hat, when I couldn't face people -- all came back. I think I had been able to put a lot of stuff on hold while dealing with my mother-in-law and my wife's son, but now that they're not around I was able to get some of that out.

I am not spending all my time alone. I am getting out to see friends, to do errands, to visit a new church in our area. (I am still going to my old church, too.) But there are days when I have to wonder what I'm going to do next. Someone at work actually asked me if I was listing on an Internet dating service again, since that was how my wife and I first met. I think my look of amazement was enough to answer her. (Was she hoping that I was "on the market"? I don't know.)

I am having trouble finding my joy in the Lord consistently these days. Sure, I can summon up some praise and worship now and then, but there are times when I normally might have been sharing Him with a friend or colleague and yet I can't seem to muster the passion. I know it will come back to me. As Albert Hsu mentioned in his book "Grieving a Suicide" (which I highly recommend), we are never really healed of all this pain and memories, we are always ever just healing. It's a process, sometimes slow, sometimes fast, but always happening. Praise be to God, who keeps the healing going!

So I'm doing better this week. I am bored at work and I wish sometimes that I could just skip work entirely and just meet with Christian friends and study the Bible. What little joy I have is often found there in God's Word. (My older two kids are the rest of my joy.)

Thank you for your help and condolences. I will continue to post here now and then, and if anyone else needs someone to talk to after something like this, I am a willing and open ear.

Peace,
Pastor Gadget

 

[DoubtingThomas29]

I am glad you are hanging in there and going out with friends. It is important to get stimulation to help the mind from becoming ill. Well I hope to hear more from you.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Hi Pastor Gadget! I'm happy to see you again and see a little update on you. To be completely honest, I've had someone close to me die and it made me think of you and all the times you and I and kaykay talked here on this forum.

I'm glad to see you're still around. I'm glad things are moving on even though it may seem a little lonely and unsettling right this moment. I'm glad that your wife's son has people in his life who love him enough to adopt him. I'm glad you are just you and healing and moving along.

I know it's a process. You'll never "get over it" and you'll never stop loving her, but I think this time of solitude may be for one thing, and that is to get in that close, intimate relationship with G-d. Oh, when I was going through what I call "the dark valley" in my life, there were times when I was so hurt--other times so MAD--other times so brought low and crumbled. Yet through it all, G-d was patient with me and gave me time to feel what I felt, to be honest with Him, and He in turn was there for me and there with me. We got CLOSE. You may not know where your life is heading or what in the world G-d is doing, but when you step out in faith anyway, He will guide your step and it will land safely and where He wants it.

Soooo...if you have a minute, come say "hi" on my thread. I'm surviving but just SAD right now. Still rather numbly stunned I think.



~Faithful

 

[kaykay9.0]

Good to have an update from you, Pastor Gadget. I know it's hard. I think only the Lord and time, often a LOT of time, heal our losses to a bearable degree.

And my condolences, also, to you, Faithful Wife, on your recent loss.

 

[PastorGadget]

I was doing pretty good a few weeks ago and flipping around the TV channels, and I decided to watch a crime drama called Criminal Minds. I had watched the show before, so I kind of knew what to expect. Since it's a show about FBI profilers tracking serial killers, it is pretty procedural, and the violence usually takes place off-screen so our intrepid heroes can figure things out on their own. This night, the killer happened to be someone who staged the murders to look like suicides. I wasn't sure exactly how they might portray such things, but I figured I'd be okay since I knew the premise was that someone else was doing the killing and the good guys always catch the bad guys. Of course, at least one more person has to be attacked or die during the course of the show for the heroes to get the crucial clues that lead them to the killer. It is a sad but apparently "necessary" element to this type of crime show. Sure enough, the person who died during the second segment was a young mother whose death was made to look like she hanged herself. Immediately I flipped away from the show and sought out something frivolous on Disney, but the damage was done.

Memories flooded back, the night my wife died came through all too clearly, and the next thing I knew I was wallowing in the pain and grief of that night all over again. It took me three days to shake that stupid show, and I even called in sick to work because I couldn't face people for a whole day. Needless to say, I'm not watching TV crime dramas for a long time now.

A couple of nights ago I watched Reign Over Me with Adam Sandler and Don Cheadle. It was a remarkably good show, with Sandler in an unexpectedly great dramatic role as Charlie. Although the show didn't set me off the way the crime show had, I was taken in by Charlie's grief over the death of his wife and children in 9/11. I felt his pain, and I understood part of his need to grieve the way he was grieving. I cannot imagine losing anyone the way he had, but the emptiness inside I understand.

I was thoughtful after that movie, and it stirred up some memories, but for the most part I just relaxed and enjoyed the show. In the end, as Charlie's friends rallied around him to bring him back to himself, I felt like I was watching a sliver of my own life. Right after my wife's suicide, I was overwhelmed by the support of my friends, family and church as they all helped keep things as normal as they could during that time. Unlike Sandler's Charlie, I didn't have the option of retreating from everyone I once knew, since my mother-in-law and stepson lived with me in the same house. We instead bonded more closely than ever before to see each other through this time. Now, as we move on, the bonds are built upon love and tragedy in various measures. I like to think that over time, had my wife lived, we might have formed such strong love and respect for each other eventually. With my wife's passing, we had to bond or lose ourselves in the pain. Personally, I'm not such a big fan of pain, so I opted for the love instead. It was a good choice.

Then tonight I watched Jurassic Park with my kids. Nothing quite like rampaging dinos to round out an evening at home. Then came the scene where the little boy is climbing down the inactive electric fence and the power comes back on. Wham! The kid goes flying into the paleontologist's arms and when the man gets up the boy is not breathing. Grant tries CPR and brings the boy back as the boy's sister looks on in stunned horror. Now imagine being the girl and the paleontoligist at the same time: terrified and shocked and yet trying valiantly to get CPR right while also dialing 911. That was me right after I found my wife hanging from our headboard by a cord. The images flooded back to me and although I maintained my cool, I still am working through those images, those memories.

One thing I did remember that kind of shocked me: I never once blamed God for what happened. I still haven't. I know some might have railed at the apparent injustice of losing my beloved wife so soon after our marriage, but all I could think about was trying to get her back. I was praying and counting chest compressions at the same time. I was calling 911 and talking to the operator on speakerphone as I continued to try breathing into her and keeping her neck elevated. Then I had to run upstairs and tell my daughter to get the kids into the upstairs bedrooms as the first police officer arrived. He ran downstairs and immediately picked up where I had left off, and no one gave up on her for the next forty minutes. At the hospital, I sat with my ex-wife's mother and the hospital chaplain and we prayed as they continued to try to bring her back. Then a doctor came in the the expected news, something I knew was going to happen. I knew because my wife had been cold when I found her, and her skin was never cold to the touch, no matter how cold she said she was. That night she was cold, and now she was gone.

The mother of one of my stepson's friends worked at the same hospital, and she brought me my wife's cross and wedding ring so they wouldn't get lost. My pastor showed up finally and cried with me as I introduced him to the chaplain and my ex-mother-in-law. I went in and said goodbye to my wife. I stroked her hair and cried over her. Her skin was still so soft but so cold. She was gone, off to face our Savior and His redemption for her tortured soul.

The drive home was surreal, as I tried to imagine how I would tell Mom and my new stepson, as I knew I would face a thousand questions and try to figure out whom it was "safe" to tell and whom not. By the time I got there, my ex-wife had arrived to deal with the kids, and a good friend and a few people from church had arrived. The police were still downstairs, and I talked with the medical examiner. I was less of a wreck that night than I might have expected. The wreck came the next day and the next, as friends and neighbors showed up to help us through. Calls needed to be made, and we tried to follow a list, but we couldn't be certain whom we had called. A couple of months later, as word spread through the family grapevine, we received calls from members of my wife's family. They only complained a little about not being called, because they understood the confusion and stress we had faced. They still are very supportive, and they check up on me even though I hadn't spoken to many of them until after my beloved wife died.

We have so far kept my wife's suicide close in the immediate family and a few friends from work and church. The ME's report never hit the newspapers, although by law it is allowed to. I praise the Lord that He saw fit to keep the obit reporter from seeking out my wife's cause of death. Although I am sure that word will gradually spread, I think the shock of her suicide will not be so great, and the few uninformed people around town who might care, when they hear they will hopefully pray and let it go at that.

Wow, I never expected to drop all that at once! It's a wonder I'm not weeping right now. I guess I can do that later, as I often do.

Please, dear friends, rest assured that Christ is seeing me through this. My faith has never wavered, even if my strength and my spirit have. God is good, and His mercies endure forever. Praise the Lord!

Pastor Gadget

 

[FaithfulWife]

Stunning post!

I don't really have words right now as what you say rings truer in my heart than it did even just a few months ago. I'm sure words will come in a bit, but for now, just wow.

I hear ya.



~Faithfulwife

 

[kaykay9.0]

Pastor Gadget,
I don't think there's any "shortcuts" through the pain of losing someone and especiallly losing someone unexpectedly and tragically. And as you mentioned, any number of things can trigger that acute grief. I know I sound like a broken record but I think it just takes time, time and more time. We just have to walk through the valley one day at a time and as time goes by, you start to realize that you can see a little more of the sunshine and a little less of the clouds.

I think you mentioned you were going to "therapy" in your previous post, and I think that's a good thing. I have heard from some of the widows on this forum that they feel that therapy is what helped them the most after the loss of a spouse.

As always, hugs & prayers for you. Just keep walking....as it sounds like you have been.

kk

 

[NostalgicGranny]

Praying for you.

After my brothers suicide I used to wince everytime I heard anyone joke about such things (tv shows, ect). It does get easier to handle with time, even if you still remember.

 

[PastorGadget]

Praying for you.

After my brothers suicide I used to wince everytime I heard anyone joke about such things (tv shows, ect). It does get easier to handle with time, even if you still remember.

Yeah, it doesn't get easier when someone thinks they're being funny on a TV show and then makes a crack about suicide, but other references are getting easier. I am finding it easier to handle some things, but I still "screen" my TV shows pretty carefully now. It's easy with reruns, since I can hit IMDB.com for plot summaries, but with new episodes it can get a little trickier. Right now the safest thing for me is to watch the political coverage -- and there's plenty of that here in the US!

Pastor Gadget

P.S. -- By the way, Nostaligic Granny, I noticed in your signature you have a link to that short out-take from Obama's 2006 speech on religion and government. He wasn't mocking the Bible, he was mocking the pastors who cherry-pick parts of the Bible to try to tell the government what laws to pass. You can read the whole text of the speech in several places on the Internet, including Obama's web site. I don't agree with everything the man says, but he makes some good points about keeping specific religions (not faith itself!) out of government. Read the speech and you'll see what I mean. Nonetheless, I think Sarah Palin's got Obama beat in the "live your faith" category. Peace, PG

 

[NostalgicGranny]

I don't know if I can take much more political coverage.

My biggest problem with my brother’s suicide is I am a very private person, but . . . hubby isn't. If I mention my brother at all around others hubby goes into great detail. Sometimes I would like to just 'remember' my brother without remembering his demise. There was much more to his life than just the way it ended.

 

[PastorGadget]

I don't know if I can take much more political coverage.

AMEN!

My biggest problem with my brother’s suicide is I am a very private person, but . . . hubby isn't. If I mention my brother at all around others hubby goes into great detail. Sometimes I would like to just 'remember' my brother without remembering his demise. There was much more to his life than just the way it ended.

I guess I am fortunate in that I am the only one telling the story, and I am only doing that here anonymously. Few of my friends and family know as much detail as I've shared here, and certainly not my wife's son -- who doesn't know how his mother died. I praise the Lord for a family (mine and my late wife's) who value discretion and who, like you, want to simply remember my wife without all the gory details of her death.

Peace,
Pastor Gadget

 

[PastorGadget]

There's no better way to put it than that. I was doing fine at work yesterday until about 2PM, and then I started thinking I need some time alone to pray and weep. I left work early and came home, took a nap, then got up and wallowed in self-pity for a couple hours. In the evening I started watching TV and felt pretty good being distracted by crime-solving banter. Then just as I was going to bed -- the very same bed where my wife killed herself -- I was overwhelmed with sadness and clear visions of that night. On a day like today, I join the whole world in remembering that horrible day of 9/11/01, but added to that are my clear memories of the night of my wife's suicide and the days immediately following.

I called in sick to work today so I can let this out. Last night was terrible, and it seemed like I couldn't get those first few minutes out of my head. The horror and the panic set in afresh, and I kept reliving the discovery of her cold body, the attempt to call 911, the running upstairs to clear the kids and family out of the way of the arriving police and EMTs, the amazingly calm recounting of how I had found her, the lonely drive behind the ambulance to the hospital, and the even lonelier drive home again to explain to everyone that our beloved wife, daughter, mother was gone.

I started praying hard and I ended up reciting Psalm 23 over and over again, but the words got jumbled and I couldn't shut out the pain. So I simply prayed "Please, Lord God, give me still waters." I just wanted some calm in the storm of the emotions and memories. A little while later, a deep calm did indeed come over me, and a little voice whispered in my mind the same words Paul had heard: "My grace is sufficient for you."

Thank You, Precious Lord, for the pain and for the healing. How else can we know You are Jehovah Rapha -- the LORD Who Heals? Praise God from Whom all blessings flow!

Pastor Gadget

 

[kaykay9.0]

Praying for you, Pastor Gadget.

 

[NostalgicGranny]

Praying for you.

Maybe you should consider getting a new bed, or moving somewhere where you can choose the memories that are displayed. Of course I am a fine one to talk. My mom just passed away in June and I choose not to display photo's or things that remind me of her right now.

 

[NostalgicGranny]

I have been reading some of your other posts on the grief board. I agree with you about whether or not a loved one makes it to heaven if they commit suicide. What a lot of people are not considering is that the depression that leads to suicide is a mental illness. I know people do not see it as an illness, but it is. It just happens to be one that you can not see. God would not punish you for dying of cancer or some other illness, so I have a hard time believing he would punish you for depression - even if it did end with suicide. And as we all know God knows what is truly in our hearts and minds. The rest of us can only guess. So as for me it is best not to question what God chose to do with someone else’s soul - it is enough to work toward my salvation and acceptance to God's kingdom.

 

[PastorGadget]

Well, they placed my wife's headstone on Thursday. I drove out to the cemetery to see it on Friday -- which also happened to be her birthday. It was nice to visit her grave and not have just a little label and an iron pole marking the spot. It's a nice granite stone with a picture of her on it. So when I wished her a happy birthday, I was looking right at her smiling face. That was kind of nice.

When I got to work and told my coworker about it, she asked "Are you okay today then?" She was concerned that the timing of my wife's birthday and the finality of the headstone was going to bug me. Instead all I could think about was calling my mother-in-law and my wife's son to let them know the stone was in place and it was beautiful. I wanted to wish THEM a happy birthday on behalf of my wife -- and birthdays are, after all, supposed to be pleasant affairs. Later in the afternoon I took a few minutes to call them and we talked about my wife and about how much I missed them as well as my wife.

Late last night it finally hit me, and I felt lonely but not nearly so despairing as I had been. Yeah, I was alone, but I caught up on some emails, watched some TV and a movie and went to bed tired by not so troubled as earlier this week. Now my allergies are acting up, so the allergy meds ought to make me sleepy soon. Ought to be a good night's rest tonight.

Peace and blessings to you all!
Pastor Gadget

 

[NostalgicGranny]

I understand the lonely part . . . Had my own thing going on today.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Well, they placed my wife's headstone on Thursday. I drove out to the cemetery to see it on Friday -- which also happened to be her birthday. It was nice to visit her grave and not have just a little label and an iron pole marking the spot. It's a nice granite stone with a picture of her on it. So when I wished her a happy birthday, I was looking right at her smiling face. That was kind of nice.

When I got to work and told my coworker about it, she asked "Are you okay today then?" She was concerned that the timing of my wife's birthday and the finality of the headstone was going to bug me. Instead all I could think about was calling my mother-in-law and my wife's son to let them know the stone was in place and it was beautiful. I wanted to wish THEM a happy birthday on behalf of my wife -- and birthdays are, after all, supposed to be pleasant affairs. Later in the afternoon I took a few minutes to call them and we talked about my wife and about how much I missed them as well as my wife.

Late last night it finally hit me, and I felt lonely but not nearly so despairing as I had been. Yeah, I was alone, but I caught up on some emails, watched some TV and a movie and went to bed tired by not so troubled as earlier this week. Now my allergies are acting up, so the allergy meds ought to make me sleepy soon. Ought to be a good night's rest tonight.

Peace and blessings to you all!
Pastor Gadget

I understand the lonely part . . . Had my own thing going on today.

Prayers for both of you this afternoon.

 

[IowaPastor]

Hi! Just me checking in to see how things are going. How are things going. Grief is so unpredictable...

I want to encourage you to grieve on your own timetable not on anyone esles; also grieve in a way that makes sense to you.

Blessings to you,

IowaPastor

 

[PastorGadget]

My late wife put a lot of store in dreams. Sitting on the bookshelf behind me are two thick (and best-selling) books on interpreting dreams, to which my beloved often referred when she had a dream she remembered. And whenever I'd talk to her about my dreams, she'd break out both big books and look up the symbols and such. The problem, of course, with those books is that they try to put a prophetic/magical spin on the symbolism in dreams, rather than simply relying on simple psychological explanations. For example, in the books a particular symbol would be "interpreted" as signifying that the dreamer was in for a financial windfall very soon -- kind of like an unconscious astrological prediction. But in reality, the symbol might simply be something the dreamer had seen the night before on television. Dreams are hardly predicters of fortune -- to assume so is to assign power to sorcery and mysticism, which is expressly forbidden in the Bible. However, dreams are a useful and fairly accurate gauge of what's going on in one's mind and heart.

I remember last year that I had a particularly frightening dream of losing my son on a crowded street while I tried to help someone who had been hurt. Since I was planning on becoming a pastor and since my son lives with my ex-wife and her fiance, you can easily see where such a dream came right out of my anxieties about leaving my family somehow unattended while I helped people with spiritual matters. See how easy it is? And the typical dreams of falling can often be attributed to anxieties about failure, while dreams of flying often indicate a buoyant spirit and few anxieties. Again, pretty simple stuff. Don't need a 1200-page book to tell me that.

So two weeks ago I was helping decorate a store for the upcoming Christmas season. (For those in retail, it should come as no surprise that we try to get people "in the mood" by decorating so early.) Anyway, while we were working, I spent most of the evening with a nice divorced woman about my own age -- we'll call her Melinda -- and I came to know her better than I had in working with her off and on for the past 8 years. Funny how circumstances can finally throw together two people after so long. So Melinda and I connected rather nicely, and somehow the thought entered my head to ask her about whether or not she had a boyfriend. She didn't mention anyone while we worked, but it would save me the hassle of rejection if I asked her out.

Asked her out? What the heck was going through my mind?!? I was genuinely surprised at how I had finally reached a point where I would even consider such a thing. Being the frightened widower I am, I backed off and just enjoyed working with her, and over the next few days we chatted like typical aquaintances at work, but now it was much more relaxed. And as I looked around me at the ladies at work, and the customers who came into our store, I realized that perhaps I was ready to ask someone out. Not sure who just yet, but I talked to God a lot and asked for Him to guide me in this matter.

Last Thursday night I had a pleasant dream wherein I was at a party, and Melinda and I were alone in a room off the main area where the party was happening. We were talking about something private, and then someone came in and asked us to come back to the main room. Just as we were walking toward the door to the party, Melinda took my hand and gently kissed my fingers. And it was very nice to have that kind of touch. That was all I remembered, but I awoke the next day with a definite sense of well-being. I felt relaxed and completely without anxiety about whether or not I'd ever find another person to love. I smiled pretty much that whole day, and since my kids were with me that weekend, my good humor rubbed off on them and they got along better than I'd seen them in months. It was a fun weekend.

The next night I had another dream, and in this one I was having dessert at a restaurant -- in fact, my late wife's favorite pie place -- with a different lady from work, whom we'll call Louann. Louann and I were talking companionably about simple things, kind of like my late wife and I used to do. It was just a short snippet of a dream, but it was so relaxed and un-anxious that I once again awoke relaxed and refreshed. Louann started working at our store just a few weeks after my late wife killed herself, and so she arrived at a time when I was particularly vulnerable. As I am the primary trainer at our store, Louann and I spent a lot of time together that first month. In that time I noticed how pretty she is and how kind, and especially how she loves our Lord and Savior. So for me to have a dream about spending time with her was no big surprise. In fact, it got me to wondering...

Then on Saturday night (third night in a row), I had another short dream about walking hand-in-hand through the fall leaves with a woman who was not my late wife. I couldn't say for sure if it was Louann in the dream or not, but the woman's height and the "vibe" leads me to believe it might have been what my mind was trying to show. Anyway, Sunday morning I was in an especially good mood when I went to church.

At church, the senior pastor and his wife and I spent a lot of time after the service ministering to a woman who is having some problems with her husband. Meanwhile, my kids waited patiently off to the side, out of ear-shot. My daughter actually joined us for some prayer at one point. Then afterward we left and the kids were very nice about not asking what was going on. Those two blessed children had seen the troubles and the tears when their mom and I split up, and so I think they understood that what I was doing at the church was trying to avert such a thing. We spent the rest of the day playing and working around the house, and I spent a lot of time thinking about the movie Fireproof that had opened that weekend.

Monday night I got a chance to work with Louann again, and in discussing the movie I mentioned that I planned to see it on my day off. Louann said I shouldn't go see it alone, and before I knew what had happened, I had asked her to join me to see it this weekend. Yep, I asked her out on a date.

I can look back at those dreams of mine and see whatever patterns I might like, but the overwhelming feeling was that I am ready to let someone else into my life. Maybe that's Louann or Melinda or someone else. Who it is, is less important than simply that my heart is open to the possibilities of this life. In thinking about Melinda at first, I had realized I didn't know about her faith, but I clearly knew Louann's faith was strong and open to more growth. I believe that the Holy Spirit works through our dreams to help us work out things we may not want to consciously think about -- and I also believe that the Adversary works through our dreams to entice us to sin. What I found striking about my dreams is that they didn't involve sinful things at all, and in fact the gentleness of my conversation with Louann even reminded me of the many real conversations she and I have had about our Savior. To test the spirits we are to see if they declare Christ is the Risen Lord. In this case, Louann in the dream seemed to do just that -- which leads me to believe that I am supposed to relax and be open to the possibility of a new relationship.

I know I will stumble with Louann and mention my late wife again and again. How could I not? But I'll do my best not to dwell too much on the past as Louann and I talk this weekend. I'll place this in the Lord's hands and pray that He will guide us as we get to know each other better. Perhaps this will be our one and only date, but at least it will be a step toward moving on in our lives. Yes, I will always love my late wife, and I will miss her greatly at times. Her influence on my life is undeniable and permanent, but that doesn't mean I cannot find new love and inspiration in another relationship.

Thank you all for your prayers. May the God of heaven and earth richly bless you all.

Pastor Gadget