Starting Somewhere

[FaithfulWife]

Pastor Gadget,

I realize that I'm not a member of your church, but may I make a suggestion? I'm a member of a sort of smallish church where we all know of each other and if one of our members suddenly died , I could easily see a rumor mill starting rather than people coming up and asking "What happened?" However, as I said, it's smallish and we sort of all know each other. Is that sort of the situation you find yourself in too?

If so, may I suggest that you talk to your pastor about it and ask for a few minutes to speak to the congregation--maybe at "announcement time" or something? When it's your turn to talk, just tell them that you realize that when someone dies suddenly that people might wonder what happened but not know how to ask and so you wanted to tell them so that rumors didn't spread and grow. Then tell them that due to the fact that children are little and easily hurt, that right now you are telling them that their mom just died suddenly and helping them deal with that--and that rather than speculating about what happened or how she died, that you would rather if they concentrated on helping the children get through their mom's death and losing her...and that if anyone wants to ask you outright in private that you would be more than happy to answer questions in private.

Face the rumor-mill demon head on. Whether suicide is or is not a sin is a moot point because she is gone and is meeting her Maker--He will deal with that with her. What ISN"T a moot point is that you and the children are still here, and what is relevant is that we (the Christian Body) be there to help those of you who are still here and still alive.

I'm glad to hear you had a day where you blessed someone with loving gratitude.


~Faithful

 

[PastorGadget]

If so, may I suggest that you talk to your pastor about it and ask for a few minutes to speak to the congregation--maybe at "announcement time" or something?

Actually, I plan to do just that tomorrow morning at a prayer breakfast that will include most of the core of our little congregation. Thanks for the suggestion.

Face the rumor-mill demon head on. Whether suicide is or is not a sin is a moot point because she is gone and is meeting her Maker--He will deal with that with her. What ISN"T a moot point is that you and the children are still here, and what is relevant is that we (the Christian Body) be there to help those of you who are still here and still alive.

I think this is the heart of the problem, that some old-timers still hold onto that old doctrine that suicide is the ultimate, unpardonable sin. I don't agree, and my studies have shown me that the only sin that can separate us from the love and grace of God is to rebuke the Holy Spirit, thus refusing God's grace and mercy. I know my wife never felt that way, and that she loved God but despite serving God's kingdom in so many ways, just never could break free from her worldly pain. The worst that does is make her human. We are all human, and we all fall short of the glory of God. But He forgives us anyway.

My problem will be with those who feel like I or my ministry or my family are somehow tainted or to blame for her death -- which we most certainly are not. Yes, we mourn. Yes, we wish we had seen and done more to help my wife. Yes, I personally wonder how I could have gotten through to her not only as her husband but also as her closest confessor and pastor. But the uncalled-for judgment of others will not help me and my family in dealing with our own self-judgment. It will not help us overcome our own sense of guilt and pain. It will not help us speak openly about helping others when some people just want to shun us. That is the problem I will face.

My wife's son asked me today, "So how did Mom really die? What happened?" The medical examiner's report is finished: suicide by hanging. But I said to him, "I will tell you sometime, but just not today." He agreed that was alright. I'm not sure when I'll tell him, but I can't wait too much longer, or else he's sure to hear it through the grapevine. The ME's report will be mentioned in the notices in tomorrow's paper. I pray that very few people notice it or discuss it.

Tomorrow we go to a wedding for one of my wife's former students. We go to celebrate life renewed. It ought to be a fun time indeed.

Pastor Gadget

 

[kaykay637]

Actually, I plan to do just that tomorrow morning at a prayer breakfast that will include most of the core of our little congregation. Thanks for the suggestion.


I think this is the heart of the problem, that some old-timers still hold onto that old doctrine that suicide is the ultimate, unpardonable sin. I don't agree, and my studies have shown me that the only sin that can separate us from the love and grace of God is to rebuke the Holy Spirit, thus refusing God's grace and mercy. I know my wife never felt that way, and that she loved God but despite serving God's kingdom in so many ways, just never could break free from her worldly pain. The worst that does is make her human. We are all human, and we all fall short of the glory of God. But He forgives us anyway.

My problem will be with those who feel like I or my ministry or my family are somehow tainted or to blame for her death -- which we most certainly are not. Yes, we mourn. Yes, we wish we had seen and done more to help my wife. Yes, I personally wonder how I could have gotten through to her not only as her husband but also as her closest confessor and pastor. But the uncalled-for judgment of others will not help me and my family in dealing with our own self-judgment. It will not help us overcome our own sense of guilt and pain. It will not help us speak openly about helping others when some people just want to shun us. That is the problem I will face.

My wife's son asked me today, "So how did Mom really die? What happened?" The medical examiner's report is finished: suicide by hanging. But I said to him, "I will tell you sometime, but just not today." He agreed that was alright. I'm not sure when I'll tell him, but I can't wait too much longer, or else he's sure to hear it through the grapevine. The ME's report will be mentioned in the notices in tomorrow's paper. I pray that very few people notice it or discuss it.

Tomorrow we go to a wedding for one of my wife's former students. We go to celebrate life renewed. It ought to be a fun time indeed.

Pastor Gadget

Hope the wedding isn't too painful for you. (In fact, I hate to even have my forum "character' appear here in wedding dress. My character is dressed up for a silly, fun contest in another forum! ) Maybe that sounds stupid for me to even think or mention that...but I know that personally after my son's death, I was SUPER sensitive to many little things.

Ok, besides that, I just wanted to say that I really think (and hope) that you may be underestimating people's understanding of suicide. I really think you are concerned needlessly about anyone feeling you could have done more or blaming you in any way. Maybe I'm naive but I don't really believe anyone will judge you harshly whatsoever. If you feel anyone "shunning" or seeming to avoid you, believe me, I know from my experience with my son's death, that some people are just too uncomfortable to be around you. They feel inadequate and don't know what to say. One of my closest friends even confided to me later that she and her husband had to stop their car, call her sister, and pray on the way over to our house the morning we learned my son had been killed in an auto accident. As close as she and I were, she was just at a loss. When I returned to work, most of my friends there couldn't even mention it or maybe they felt it was best not to. (I, on the other hand, wanted and felt the need to discuss it, but I learned very few are comfortable enough with the topic of someone's death to be able to go there with you.)

That is tough with the kids. Wow. I commend you for not lying to your son. I think what you said to him right now was good. I really think that children deserve (gentle) honesty. I think in the long run lies and secrecy hurt them more than painful truth. I believe children need to always feel they can get the truth if they come to us. Again, just my two cents.

prayers-
kaykay

 

[FaithfulWife]

Pastor Gadget,

I'm not going to sugar-coat this for you. My ex-husband was a mentally ill serial cheater who chose to leave us and file the divorce. He was bound and determined to leave--and yet there were STILL some members of my church body who heard his side or who saw that I was "getting a divorce" and chose to shun me.

My dear hubby's ex-wife cheated on him with her law school professor, several of her co-students, and ran away with a man about half her age...yet she told his family all his faults all throughout their marriage and when she left, she convinced them so strongly that HE had driven her away, that HIS OWN FAMILY shunned him for about a year! Plus, their church disciplined HIM for her cheating!

The fact of the matter is that many/most will realize that we are ALL human, we ALL sin, and thus no sin is "greater" or "lesser" than the other. It is SIN! But the fact is there are going to be some who will shun you, and frankly I believe it is because THEY are human too. They somehow, mistakenly believe they can protect themselves from being infected by sin--as if it is a virus and you catch it by being "too close" or something. It's going to happen. Some folks are going to judge YOU based on the actions of your spouse. But the great part is that there will be others who will step up and be loving and . Now you will see clearly and be blessed by those who do love you and your family with a godly love. So, yep. You may lose a few judgmental ones...but you'll gain the ones who are true friends and truly loving, and new ones to boot.

Finally, I am not saying this to be "mean" so I pray that you don't take it this way, but YOUR healing and grieving and your family's healing and grieving is YOUR responsibility. Others are not responsible to "make you heal" or "help you grieve" (although as the Body of Christ, it is our job to be loving and support those who have lost someone.) I guess what I'm trying to say and wording it poorly is that others can't do this for you. They may create an environment that makes it easier or harder for you and your family, but in the end it is YOUR healing and YOUR grief. Does that make sense?


~FaithfulWife

 

[FaithfulWife]

Psalm 31: 1-9

1 In you, O LORD, I have taken refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
deliver me in your righteousness.

2 Turn your ear to me,
come quickly to my rescue;
be my rock of refuge,
a strong fortress to save me.


3 Since you are my rock and my fortress,
for the sake of your name lead and guide me.


4 Free me from the trap that is set for me,
for you are my refuge.


5 Into your hands I commit my spirit;
redeem me, O LORD, the God of truth.


6 I hate those who cling to worthless idols;
I trust in the LORD.


7 I will be glad and rejoice in your love,
for you saw my affliction
and knew the anguish of my soul.


8 You have not handed me over to the enemy
but have set my feet in a spacious place.


9 Be merciful to me, O LORD, for I am in distress;
my eyes grow weak with sorrow,
my soul and my body with grief

 

[PastorGadget]

Hope the wedding isn't too painful for you. (In fact, I hate to even have my forum "character' appear here in wedding dress. My character is dressed up for a silly, fun contest in another forum!)
...
If you feel anyone "shunning" or seeming to avoid you, believe me, I know from my experience with my son's death, that some people are just too uncomfortable to be around you. They feel inadequate and don't know what to say. ...
prayers-
kaykay

Well, the wedding was beautiful. (And your character's dress is nice, too.) The wedding was for one of my wife's former students, and her wedding was so sweet. The dress was stunning -- and probably cost more than everything in both of my weddings! The kids were getting antsy at the ceremony, and so we didn't stay around for the reception. It was still nice to see that celebration of life and love.

I have been in that position of not knowing what to say to someone after they've lost a loved one. My step-mother has lost 4 adult children to natural causes, and I am in awe of how she manages to maintain her faith and her joy. Yes, she aches for them and misses them greatly, but she still pushes on. I have learned a lot from her over the years just by seeing her example. I just never thought I'd have to face something like this.

The fact of the matter is that many/most will realize that we are ALL human, we ALL sin, and thus no sin is "greater" or "lesser" than the other. It is SIN! But the fact is there are going to be some who will shun you, and frankly I believe it is because THEY are human too. They somehow, mistakenly believe they can protect themselves from being infected by sin--as if it is a virus and you catch it by being "too close" or something. It's going to happen. Some folks are going to judge YOU based on the actions of your spouse. But the great part is that there will be others who will step up and be loving and [prayers]. Now you will see clearly and be blessed by those who do love you and your family with a godly love. So, yep. You may lose a few judgmental ones...but you'll gain the ones who are true friends and truly loving, and new ones to boot.

Finally, I am not saying this to be "mean" so I pray that you don't take it this way, but YOUR healing and grieving and your family's healing and grieving is YOUR responsibility. ... Does that make sense?

~FaithfulWife

Yeah, I have often read about people who were essentially shunned by their churches when they divorced, even when their denomination allowed it. One statistic pointed out that when someone divorces or loses a spouse, they lose 60% of their friends. Yes, they lose the folks who were closest to the spouse, but they also lose a few folks who no longer feel comfortable around someone who is suddenly "single", regardless of how they got that way. (Of course, my wife was more in tune with the gossip in our church, and if she was right I might expect a few single women suddenly seeking me out instead of shunning me. )

On the other hand, as I said before, I will still run into those who question my suitability to be a deacon, who might question my ability to handle ministry in the midst of all this. I can understand their concerns about the possibility that I would be distracted by my grief, and so I have laid off some of my diaconal duties for a while. But to believe that this somehow permanently "taints" me and makes me unsuitable for being a deacon, I simply pity them for their short-sightedness and prejudice, and I will love them and pray for them nonetheless.

At the prayer breakfast yesterday, I broke the news of my wife's suicide. (That is a hard word to write!) They were all understanding and curious but not judging. And I used the opportunity to talk about how we need to be sure we are reaching out and spreading the message of hope that is the core of the gospel, so that those who despair can reach out to Jesus for healing. I also brought up the subject of gossip and asked for their help in short-circuiting the gossip machine, enlisting them to help cut people off and spread the word that all questions should be directed to me personally.

My pastor's wife brought up a wonderful passage that really spoke to the hope we need to maintain through difficult times:

35 Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword? 36 As it is written:

"For Your sake we are killed all day long;
We are accounted as sheep for the slaughter."
​

37 Yet in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. 38 For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, 39 nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
-- Romans 8:35-39


​

God never promised that we would not experience pain or sorrow, only that despite all the difficulties we may face, He would neither leave us nor forsake us. We must cling to that hope, that promise from God, knowing that in our faith He will reward us in the end.

Pastor Gadget

 

[FaithfulWife]

Pastor Gadget,

I'm so glad for you that you brought it right out in the open and even said " the 'S' word." That is a tough one to say, and so...good for you.

You know, I was going to say a whole, big, long schpeal about how people who struggle with depression often don't share the depth of it with their loved ones--and how if they are determined to end their life they will FIND a way no matter how we try to watch them--and how it's no reflection whatsoever on the spouse/family that's left behind...but you know what? I think instead I'll just end on a positive note. You did good! You spoke up and spoke the truth and spoke with your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. You even said it out loud that your dear wife committed suicide. I am VERY proud of you and want to just end with a that you handled it well.

Soooo well done! You spoke up! You spoke the truth and didn't dodge it even though it was hard. You spoke with your fellow church members and gave them the chance to minister to you. I think that's enough for one day, don't you! YAY! We'll celebrate a small victory.


~Faithful

 

[kaykay637]

Pastor Gadget,

I'm so glad for you that you brought it right out in the open and even said " the 'S' word." That is a tough one to say, and so...good for you.

You know, I was going to say a whole, big, long schpeal about how people who struggle with depression often don't share the depth of it with their loved ones--and how if they are determined to end their life they will FIND a way no matter how we try to watch them--and how it's no reflection whatsoever on the spouse/family that's left behind...but you know what? I think instead I'll just end on a positive note. You did good! You spoke up and spoke the truth and spoke with your fellow brothers and sisters in Christ. You even said it out loud that your dear wife committed suicide. I am VERY proud of you and want to just end with a that you handled it well.

Soooo well done! You spoke up! You spoke the truth and didn't dodge it even though it was hard. You spoke with your fellow church members and gave them the chance to minister to you. I think that's enough for one day, don't you! YAY! We'll celebrate a small victory.


~Faithful

Pastor Gadget, I just second all that Faithful Wife has said here. I think you did the right thing in your openness about what happened, and that will doubtless go a long way in shutting down what you term "the gossip mill." Bravo!

 

[PastorGadget]

Last week when one of my co-workers asked me about what had led my wife to suicide, I quietly informed her that despite rumors to the contrary the ME's report wasn't back and we had no idea how my wife died. I really was trying to cut off the rumor before this particular lady sent it on a whirlwind tour of our little town, but in the back of my mind I noticed the doubts and questions in her voice, her posture, her eyes. She was actually asking several questions in one:

• Did your wife give you any indication she was going to do this?
• If so what did you do? Why didn't it stop her?
• What was going on around your home that made her break and do this?
• As a pastor, couldn't you have prevented this? (Granted, I only pastor part-time, but the assumption among my co-workers is that I only work there part-time.)
• What was so wrong with your wife that she would do such a thing?
• Is there anyone else in your family thinking like this?

I was tempted to tell her the whole tawdry story of my wife's life, from her sexual assault as a teen to her attempted suicide in college to her loss of a child to her firing from the one job she ever really loved, with all the details in between. I wanted to talk about my wife's movement disorder and the several medications she was on to combat anxiety, depression, spasms and high blood pressure -- not to mention allergy and asthma meds. I wanted to lay it all down for her not so much to justify my wife's actions -- which I honestly understand but cannot justify to myself -- but to straighten this lady out on the fact that my lovely wife loved her family and her work and God, and yet she had lived a pain-filled life with little or no reward or respite.

Instead, I guided this woman away from that truth to a different one: My wife loved her family and her family loved her, and now she is gone and we have to deal with that. Regardless of all other things, right now our sole focus is on attorneys and guardianship and probate and bills and mortgages and the day-to-day logistics of life without that extra adult around to help. And while most of that weight falls on me, we are finding ways for others to help us. For example, we've arranged for someone to pick up my wife's son from school a few days each week, and I am rearranging my schedule to accommodate my mother-in-law's doctor appointments. Little things like that help a whole lot right now.

I have enlisted the women who first let slip the rumor of my wife's suicide to help me get it back under control. We maintain our friendships, and they are very helpful in other ways, too. I truly am blessed when it comes to friends right now.

I am also blessed by kaykay637 and FaithfulWife. You ladies have been very encouraging and insightful. I thank you for your wisdom and concern.

Peace to all,
Pastor Gadget

 

[kaykay637]

Pastor Gadget, I think you've spoken the truth and said what you needed to say. Seems to me like now you need to just concentrate on taking care of yourself and your family. I would try to disregard any thoughts about what others may or may not be thinking. In reality, that really is "their" issue not yours, if they are thinking negatively of you, your wife, or your family in any way.

And again, I think more people have more understanding and empathy for suicide than you may realize. Just let people minister to you now.

Prayers-
kaykay

 

[PastorGadget]

So I was at work on Wednesday and my sister called me.

"Hey, bro, what are you doin' at 5 o'clock?"

"Just getting off from work. Why?"

"Think you could get off work early and pick me up at the airport? I'm on my way even as we speak."

My sister flew halfway across the country to visit and offer encouragement and to simply be with her big brother. It's a rough time for our family in general, since our older brother is in the hospital for an unidentified ailment, so her visit is also a chance for me to minister to her as much as she ministers to all of us. She is a gentle and loving soul, but still a bit hesistant in her faith. Once she got here and started hanging out with my mother-in-law and step-son, then I saw how much she truly fit in. Then Grandma put it all in perspective when she said, "She reminds me of your daughter." And I realized she was right, that in a way I had raised my own daughter to be like my sister. My daughter is indeed just as caring and sensitive as my sister. It will be neat this weekend to see them hanging out together.

Today was a bit iffy to begin with. I debated going to work, but once I got there I was just fine -- so long as someone was working with me. When my colleague took her lunch break and I had to work alone for a while, I got a little antsy and had to really calm myself down. Tonight as I helped Grandma fill out the life insurance claim paperwork, I got a little anxious and depressed. I miss my wife terribly, and trying to find the information I needed among her belongings just made me more depressed.

I have trouble getting to sleep (hence my late posts), and I often wake up early and am unable to get back to sleep. I look forward to trying to sleep in this weekend.

Pastor Gadget

 

[FaithfulWife]

Dear Pastor Gadget,

When my first husband left me, I was devastated. I had built my life around a human male and God knew that I needed a fry pan to the head to move me from my own stubbornness in order to see that I had to put HIM first and not another human. Nonetheless I was devastated.

I cried 24 hours a day straight for 3 days until my eyes blistered over and my nose was torn to shreds from blowing with a non-lotioned tissue. I was a MESS. Needless to say those nights were long and sleepless...and for some odd reason during my season of grief, sleep as I had once known it never returned to me. I am by nature a night owl but I found that I just did not grow tired, when I did lay down I would toss and turn restlessly, and when I awoke I felt like I was dragging. I struggled. I tried sleeping pills (like Tylenol PM), hugging a bear, warm milk....and nothing seemed to help.

Finally, after a while of struggling to try to return to my old sleeping pattern, I realized that I was changed now. The fact was that I was going to be different. My sleep would be different too. So rather than try to return to my "old" sleep patterns the way I used to sleep with someone in my bed to hold feet with--I began to accept that I had several extra hours each day and decided if I was going to be awake anyway, I would be productive.

During my season of grief I had a LOT of personal growth and changing to do. So for example, let's say I had been used to going to bed at midnight and waking up at 8am. I would start my new nighttime ritual by trying to do something soothing and relaxing about 1/2 hour before "bed time" such as reading the Bible, praying, meditating, or journaling. Then I would lay down and actually see how it went. Now and then I did fall asleep but more usually I did not, but I would try vertical relaxation for about another 1/2 hour. If that just didn't seem to be working I would try some of my soothing techniques such as having a warm cup of tea, reading a self-help book or seeing if there was something on my mind and heart that I just HAD to journal about or get organized so I didn't lay there all night and think "Now where is that bill again? I HAVE to remember to pay that bill.." You know...stress relieving techniques. Now that also occasionally lead to me getting tired and falling asleep because what had been weighing on my heart was released or taken care of. But not always, and if it didn't and it was about 1 hour past bedtime (aka 1am) I usually decided to just accept that I was going to be awake and may as well be productive. I found it was a wonderful time of day for quiet activities such as folding laundry, ironing, or writing letters to family and friends. I specifically tried to NOT get re-engaged in activities that I knew would just get me into the grief spiral because night can be too long and lonely to get caught up in that--so I stuck with quiet but somewhat relaxing things. And I began to find that I always got at least 4 hours of sleep a night naturally, and usually it was about 6 hours a night. I thought to myself whilst that wasn't "ideal" that it seemed healthy enough for me to deal with it, and I just accepted that my sleep habits were different now. I was a new and different person.

Maybe you are a different man now too. You're still the man inside that you have always been, but from this experience I'm sure you are forever changed--as any of us is who loses a spouse. Maybe your sleep will just be different for a while now, and that's okay. Plus, night time is a WONDERFUL time to read and study and write.

So welcome to the night owl club!

 

[Nilla]

I haven't read all the posts but I just wanted to say that I've been there. Sort of, I lost my brother almost four years ago. I've been mad, upset, sad, felt guilt, numb....

God is with you, even if you don't think He is or feel Him. I know that He is.

s

Nilla

 

[PastorGadget]

As if she were coming home tomorrow​

Her shoes are still sitting in the bathroom,
right next to the scales,
as if she had just checked her weight,
as if she were coming home tomorrow.

Over there are her glasses,
laid aside the last time she finished reading –
her Bible, it turns out –
as if she were coming home tomorrow.

I sit and read and find something interesting,
turn to mention it to her,
then file it away for later,
as if she were coming home tomorrow.

While driving I hear a favorite song,
one of the ones played at our wedding
just a month or so ago,
and I think of her singing along and look forward…
as if she were coming home tomorrow.

Beside the bathtub are her favorite soap and scents,
something with vanilla and some flowers,
and I leave them there
as if she were coming home tomorrow.

There’s the brochure for the trip to England
we planned to take in the Spring,
a sort of honeymoon I still think about
as if she were coming home tomorrow.

Her library books are probably overdue,
but there they sit
on the shelf in the closet
as if she were coming home tomorrow.

I roll over in bed every morning
and reach for her pillow to touch her hair,
then shrug and weep and ache and sigh,
as if she were coming home tomorrow.

Then comes the reality of seeing her there
that night she left us here…

The silence and the horror and the fear come back
and no amount of reading or writing
can turn back time and help me wake up,
so I can really get through a day
as if she were coming home tomorrow.

At some point I’ll face it and find
that the echoes of hope so faint to me now
are louder than the memories of that night.

For now I will cling to the hope of Christ,
Whose love sustains and nurtures me,
and Who reminds me to live each day
as if He were coming home tomorrow.

(c) 2008, "Pastor Gadget"

 

[kaykay637]

Beautiful, beautiful poem, Pastor Gadget. Even though it is very poignant and filled with pain. I especially loved the ending. After my son died, I wrote quite a bit of poetry expressing my grief and sorrow. I hadn't written poetry since jr. high creative writing class! I never really felt I had anything to say. But when your soul is screaming in pain, I found you have something to say. I would write poetry late at night when the agony was really unbearable. It seemed to help me to have a creative outlet to pour out my pain.

 

[PastorGadget]

Does it get easier with the re-telling? My regular customers come into the shop and ask how I'm doing, and I invariably quip, "I've had better months, but at least business is good." When they ask about how I personally am doing, then I tell them that my wife died a few weeks ago.

"Didn't you just get married in December?" they ask.

"Yes," I reply flatly. "And now she's gone."

"Was it sudden? Was she ill?"

"It was very sudden and unexpected," I tell them. And that's as far as it goes beyond my own reactions and how the rest of the family is doing. I don't tell them about the terror of finding her dead and trying to revive her, about the cord wrapped around her neck, about the pills she probably took to slow her system down so she wouldn't struggle much, about the fact that I thank God that I found her and not her son or one of my kids. The horror is all mine right now, and talking about it with a few close friends (who keep my confidence) is helping a lot. But talking to acquaintances and talking around how she died is hard.

Most of my customers could care less how I am doing, and I carry on as usual and tell most folks that I'm okay. They need know nothing more. But the folks who trust me and who bring their business to me time and again, and who know my family and friends, and who keep me in their prayers as I go into ministry -- those are the folks I have to tell something.

Anyway, when I tell them, I think sometimes I may come across a little callous and unemotional. "Flat" would be a good word. The reaction usually comes later, after they have left and I get to thinking... I suppose you know the thoughts, the hints of guilt and fear and even shame that creep into my heart as I try to figure out why this happened, why she chose to do this. The questions they would have asked if I had said more about her death.


At a New Year's prayer vigil, I claimed a particular verse as my personal promise from God, from Psalm 33:18:

Behold, the eye of the LORD is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope in His mercy...
​

I really do cling to that. I am still utterly sure of my calling, and I am just as sure that with my faith in Him, then He will always watch over me and my family. In Hebrews we are told "Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen." (Hebrews 11:1) I love and fear the Lord God, and my hope is in the His mercy and grace, and so my faith is the certainty that I shall receive those things.

I was speaking to an acquaintance of mine today who does some prison ministry in the area, and it occurred to me suddenly that although this is a terribly final event, still it is something that will help to refine me and shape me and mold me to His will. I love by wife, and I miss her more than words can express, but I thank the Lord that He has allowed her to escape from her pain, and I thank Him for having such faith in me that He gave me this to bear. It is a burden I would wish on no one, and it is not a burden I would ever have wished for, but I know that He will turn it to good for me because He loves me and has plans for me. (You know, Jeremiah 29:11-13.)

Pastor Gadget

 

[kaykay637]

I'm glad you are trying to stay in faith. That's what will get you through in my opinion.

The telling does get easier. For 2-3 years after my son died, I would break down and cry whenever someone who didn't know me would ask if we had any children (he was our only one.) And of course, that was embarrassing and awkward for them, I'm quite sure.
For me just to say the words out loud was enough to get the tears flowing.

I was always able to talk about my son and the accident just fine with friends and people who "knew" the story, but for some reason, saying it out loud what had happened just really got to me every time.

 

[FaithfulWife]

Dear friend, Pastor Gadget~

In your last post, you wrote...

Does it get easier with the re-telling?

...I don't tell them about the terror of finding her dead and trying to revive her, about the cord wrapped around her neck, about the pills she probably took to slow her system down so she wouldn't struggle much, about the fact that I thank God that I found her and not her son or one of my kids. The horror is all mine right now, and talking about it with a few close friends (who keep my confidence) is helping a lot. But talking to acquaintances and talking around how she died is hard.

and

...But the folks who trust me and who bring their business to me time and again, and who know my family and friends, and who keep me in their prayers as I go into ministry -- those are the folks I have to tell something.

Anyway, when I tell them, I think sometimes I may come across a little callous and unemotional. "Flat" would be a good word. The reaction usually comes later, after they have left and I get to thinking... I suppose you know the thoughts, the hints of guilt and fear and even shame that creep into my heart as I try to figure out why this happened, why she chose to do this. The questions they would have asked if I had said more about her death.

I hope you don't mind but I'm going to take a HUGE leap of faith here and ask you point blank. It seems like you would like to talk about what happened, and how it has affected and is affecting YOU. It seems like you'd like to talk about how you felt then and how you feel now. It seems like you would like to tell SOMEONE and to some degree, you talk "around it" (your words) rather than talking through it.

So if you are ready, I am ready. You can tell me facts--facts are a place to start--but anything you want to discuss, I'm ready to hear. What horror DID you see when you found her? How does that image effect you now-today? What did she do--exactly? Rather than asking WHY she did it, if you had one more thing you could say to her what would it be? What do you WISH you had said/done? Where were you when this happened? When did it happen? Who else was there?

I'm going to purposely not ask "why" right now because "why" assumes that there is some "logical" explanation like, "Well she did that because of this..." and as we all know, people are enigmas. They do things for their own private reasons that no one else in the world knows. So in my mind, there is no "why"--she just did it. It occurred.

Go for it Pastor Gadget. Tell us. Go THROUGH it and face it--don't go around it. We are here.

Your true and faithful friend,



~FaithfulWife

 

[PastorGadget]

Go for it Pastor Gadget. Tell us. Go THROUGH it and face it--don't go around it. We are here.

Your true and faithful friend,

~FaithfulWife

Thanks, Faithful. I will tell soon enough. Right now I am starting to attend two support groups, and I will be telling them in great detail. It will be good to look people in the eye as I say this.

I got a chance to talk to my sister about it when she visited, and I held nothing back from her about the details. That helped a lot.

With my customers, I suppose my own honesty gets the best of me, because I refuse to talk about my wife as if she were still alive -- e.g. "My wife hates my snoring." (Not that I do snore, mind you.) So I say things like "My late wife used to say..." or "My wife hated it when I..." I suppose it's a good thing that I can speak with some finality about her death. She ain't comin' back. But the suicide...

As you say, we cannot ever understand the workings of someone else's mind, no matter how well we know them. I spent a half-hour in traffic talking to God today about just that, about how I didn't quite understand how my wife could have given up on her family so completely. I sort of understand a whole boatload of "reasons" she may have had for killing herself, but, no, I will never understand it all. I told God that I hoped my wife had at least asked for His forgiveness one last time before letting go of her last hope and ending her life. I know she had been reading her Bible, and that she had been reading a tract on knowing the will of God. I also know that she had been surfing the Internet for suicide sites and had instead encountered anti-suicide sites -- where she ended up spending a good amount of time. But in the end, the voices of depression and despair won, and now she is gone.

The past couple of days have been better, and while I sometimes spend more than a few minutes thinking about how hurt I am by her actions, I always come back to my love for her and for God. I praise God for even having given her to me for such a short time, for sharing her life and her vision with me, for putting her in my life to praise me and inspire me in ways I never deserved. I have been blessed beyond measure, and I know it is His will that I continue in my ministry and in my life, never abandoning the love I still hold for her. I suppose that she now knows how much of an impact she had on people, and knows, too, how fiercely proud I am of her. I miss her.

Pastor Gadget

 

[FaithfulWife]

Pastor Gadget~

Thank you for a wonderful, encouraging, insightful post. It's encouraging because even though I see that this has been deeply painful for you and you are struggling--I also see that you are dealing with it in a really healthy way. This may sound silly but I'm really encouraged to see that.

When you say that you speak with finality about her being gone I completely understand what you mean. When my gramma died, I was with her on her last day and I know that she was ready and wanted to go--I knew that it was just me that would miss HER. Once she was gone though, we had some final moments together and it really did help to see that the shell that was left did not contain the essence that was "her" in the least. I also had the privilege of assisting in burying her--which may sound a little stark but it's a tradition that really helped me to accept it (it's a Jewish custom). I'm glad to see that you are also doing things that help YOU to accept it and come to grips with it. See? Once again...encouraging.

So Pastor Gadget, what can we do for you? Listen? Talk together? Encourage you? Just let you know we're here?


~Faithful