With some trepidation, I went to a grief support group this weekend. I reserve judgment right now, but I suspect the video and discussion format is going to be a problem for a few of the other folks in the group, possibly even for me. As in most group settings, I know that there will be those who talk more, those who will monopolize a point and beat it into the dirt, and even those who will bridle at the idea that someone else's grief is as great as their own. When I announced that my wife had taken her own life, everyone was suddenly very still. All the others had lost someone to cancer or other long-term illness. No one had had their life wrenched completely backwards by sudden and unexpected death. Still, I feel for these other folks and I can see that this will be an opportunity for me to heal and for me to help others heal. I've been told I have a knack for asking leading questions, so others can reach a bit of wisdom on their own. Besides, we have one person in the group whose belief in God has been challenged by her experience, so that is another opportunity for me to evangelize while working for both of our healing.
I almost left work early on Friday. I had been scheduled for a particularly long shift working alone, and right now that is a formula for disaster. I need the companionship and busy-ness of another co-worker to keep my mind off of sad things. When I am alone like that at work, I keep coming back to asking myself what I missed, feeling like I failed in some way, wanting to curl up in a corner and cry my eyes out. (I did sneak into the stock room a couple of times to shed a few tears.) Talking to God helps, but not being able to spend time in the Word is hard when I'm on the sales floor alone. I actually look forward to this week, because the weather is getting better, we'll be getting more new stock in, and so I will have plenty to do between sales and re-setting displays.
The day-to-day drama of dealing with my late wife's estate is taking a bit of a toll on me. I get tired of dealing with faxing paperwork to people, making sure her creditors know she's not paying certain bills right now (or ever again!), and seeing to it that my mother-in-law and my wife's son are cared for. Some of that is winding down already as we put some savings to work on paying utility bills and such. I am glad that my wife kept me in the loop on what bills we had and which she was paying how, so that I have been able to just start where she left off. But it doesn't make it any easier to be doing this without her.
Tomorrow I plan to go start cleaning out her office of all the books and papers and personal items she had there. I expect it will take me a few days to get it all out and back here. What we'll do with it all is beyond me right now. I have discussed having her colleagues set up a library or a book sale with the hundreds of title she owned. The sale could benefit a general scholarship fund or something. I don't know right now. I just know it's another loose end to be tied up.
Church yesterday was a bit flat for me. I felt the Spirit moving in our tiny group (60-plus souls), but I found my mind wandering during the message, wondering what my wife would have thought about this or that point. I even found myself making notes for a sermon of my own at some later date. Not until the Lord's Supper did I finally feel anything, and then I felt like I was sharing that communion with my wife. That made me smile and cry at the same time.
Pastor Gadget
I almost left work early on Friday. I had been scheduled for a particularly long shift working alone, and right now that is a formula for disaster. I need the companionship and busy-ness of another co-worker to keep my mind off of sad things. When I am alone like that at work, I keep coming back to asking myself what I missed, feeling like I failed in some way, wanting to curl up in a corner and cry my eyes out. (I did sneak into the stock room a couple of times to shed a few tears.) Talking to God helps, but not being able to spend time in the Word is hard when I'm on the sales floor alone. I actually look forward to this week, because the weather is getting better, we'll be getting more new stock in, and so I will have plenty to do between sales and re-setting displays.
The day-to-day drama of dealing with my late wife's estate is taking a bit of a toll on me. I get tired of dealing with faxing paperwork to people, making sure her creditors know she's not paying certain bills right now (or ever again!), and seeing to it that my mother-in-law and my wife's son are cared for. Some of that is winding down already as we put some savings to work on paying utility bills and such. I am glad that my wife kept me in the loop on what bills we had and which she was paying how, so that I have been able to just start where she left off. But it doesn't make it any easier to be doing this without her.
Tomorrow I plan to go start cleaning out her office of all the books and papers and personal items she had there. I expect it will take me a few days to get it all out and back here. What we'll do with it all is beyond me right now. I have discussed having her colleagues set up a library or a book sale with the hundreds of title she owned. The sale could benefit a general scholarship fund or something. I don't know right now. I just know it's another loose end to be tied up.
Church yesterday was a bit flat for me. I felt the Spirit moving in our tiny group (60-plus souls), but I found my mind wandering during the message, wondering what my wife would have thought about this or that point. I even found myself making notes for a sermon of my own at some later date. Not until the Lord's Supper did I finally feel anything, and then I felt like I was sharing that communion with my wife. That made me smile and cry at the same time.
Pastor Gadget
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