My son is having some respect issues with his mother. She had an affair three years ago at her work which is an elementary school. She worked in the kitchen and had an affair with one of the janitors. The principal at the school caught them in the act at school. The principal went to the same church as my family. He later told me about it. I have never confronted my wife about this but have seen footage from the school security cameras. The janitors son told my son about all of this last fall after his Dad told him what had happened. My wife now suffers from rheumatoid arthritis and is no longer to help with caring for our home. My son gets very frustrated when I am busy caring for our home and am unable to do many of the things we used to do as a family. This causes him to act in a very disrespectful way to his mother. I've called him on it several times now. I'm not sure how to get him to grasp that our life is going to be very different at home because of my wife's physical limitations.
Son won't respect his mother
- Thread starter meyerjd
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Why would you call out your son on his disrespectful behavior towards his mother, but not confront her about cheating on you?
Could it be possible that he is disrespectful because he is deeply hurt by what his mother did, and feels that you have not dealt with the issue appropriately?
Have you asked him how he feels about what happened?
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Generally, we know that a person must confess to be forgiven, and that is a key way to be forgiven in relationships also, to the people who feel personally hurt by the action. The person confessing shows contrition -- one might say "I did something very wrong, as you know, and I have confessed this to God. I know He will forgive me. I am becoming a new person and will not want to ever do it again. Please forgive me."
Depending on age, if at least 7, and more likely 8 or older, children could learn to forgive directly from the gospel passages about it. Not the more adult like passage parable of the Unforgiving Debtor, which relies on a more adult understanding of our own guilt of sin in order to understand the parable, but instead the more learning over time way could help. If a person really believes in Jesus Christ risen, then they can sincerely pray the Lord's Prayer He gave us in Matthew chapter 6, where we pray "And forgive us our sins as we forgive those who sin against us." And the effect of praying this prayer daily or weekly over time can instill the message that we are to forgive others.
We could even eventually read to them, if about age 9 or older Christ's more directly strong wording on forgiving:
14 "For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you.
15 But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins."
This is very bracing, and it's fine to just read it and leave it at that, and let them have time to think on it. It's a lesson for all of us, even those much older, that still need to forgive someone, even when they have not confessed or repented. We must forgive them for our own sakes.
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At this point I'm really not concerned about anyone confessing. His words and actions toward his mother need to stop. It really takes a toll on her well-being. My son needs to put this aside for the sake of his mother's health and well-being. Being upset has a marked effect on her physical symptoms.
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Confession is necessary because it helps to bring about healing to those who have been hurt.
While I don't think it is good for your son to be disrespectful to his mother, I also don't think you are handling her offense appropriately. You confront him about his behavior but say nothing to her about what she did? How do you think that looks in his eyes?
It seems to me that you are not doing your part to give him any reason to be respectful. How can you expect him to be respectful to someone who has disrespected you? The fact that you haven't confronted her about it probably makes him feel even more bitter.
It seems to me that you are not showing respect for his feelings.
You weren't the only one hurt here. Your son was also hurt, and even embarrassed.
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I felt that the matter did not need to be discussed by my wife and me. I do not believe in divorce, so I know my only option is to let it go and move on. My son is 13 and my wife's affair three years ago was an adult matter that does not pertain to him. If it weren't for his friend, he would not have any knowledge of what occured. For the sake of his mother's health he needs to put his feelings aside and carry on.
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It seems to me that you are showing little regard for your son's feelings.
The fact is he found out about it. It was not only hurtful to him to hear of this, but also embarrassing. He likely bottled up his feelings because it was never dealt with appropriately, and now the anger is coming out in the form of disrespect.
To make matters worse, you are calling him out on his behavior without ever having done the same to his mother. You will have difficulty getting him to respect your wishes because you aren't showing any respect for his feelings, nor any respect for yourself.
This may make you feel uncomfortable, but you need to have a family meeting to deal with what your wife did to hurt you and your son. It is essential to healing. Otherwise, things likely won't change, and your son might end up worse off because of it.
This is all my opinion, of course. You are free to take it or leave it.
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Your son is building his foundations to navigate in this world and he just lost a very important coordinate. Of all the three, he is the one who misses respecting his mother the most. This needs to be restored. He's not the root of the problem; it may seem that it would be easier for him just to put his feelings aside, but this is not about feelings, this is about his vision of the world, which needs urgent calibration. (I'm not a mother, but I work with problematic teens since 2004.) Conversing is needed, symbolic acts are useful too. I don't know what's the dynamic of your family, there's little I can say to help.
Mistakes can bring people closer, but avoidance isn't an effective tool in the long run.
Mistakes can bring people closer, but avoidance isn't an effective tool in the long run.
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I agree.
Even strangers in a forum could give good advice. As long as the advice is practical, and most importantly, biblical, I see no harm in it.
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Our Pastor has made it known to our congregation that she does not feel comfortable offering any counseling since she just graduated from seminary. Maybe a psychologist would be a good idea for my son.
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It's not just your son who needs healing but also you and your wife. In other words, it is a family matter. I suggest you step up to the plate and be the man of the house to get this thing going. It will be good for you, and for your son to see your courage in dealing with your wife's offense in a loving way.
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One of the 10 commandments is to honor thy mother & father. She needs to put him in his place when he fails to do this. Now, she sinned, but that's between her, you, and God. Not your son. He doesn't get to lord that over her. I'd tell him that just that. Everybody sins. That can be hard for a kid to accept that their parents sin & fail. But it needs to be known that we all do, and we don't get to use somebody else's sins to justify our own.
I'd tell him that he must respect her. If he doesn't she will punish him. Encourage her to stand up for herself, stand firm by her on this.
I'd tell him that he must respect her. If he doesn't she will punish him. Encourage her to stand up for herself, stand firm by her on this.
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That's not the bad advice. The bad advice has to do with the other stuff you added to the Ten Commandments. Your approach will likely lead to greater hurt, and ultimately make things worse.
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The "other stuff" I added is the truth, and it relates directly back to honoring thy mother and father. Every mother and father in this world has sinned. Every child has sinned. That's just a fact. Nobody is entitled to use the sins of somebody else to justify their own sin. That's wrong. This affair happened between adults THREE YEARS AGO. He's got no right using that against his mother to dishonor her like he is. He's also disrespecting his father. That's not acceptable.
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The fact that you would thank him for such advice causes me to question your values.
I grew up in an abusive home. I was treated like trash by both of my parents. So my advice to you comes from a place of experience and hurt. I never met your son, but I believe I can relate to what he is feeling.
It seems to me that you don't care about your son's feelings. Are you showing him that you really love him?
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