Son won't respect his mother

blackribbon

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I have not read all the posts. However, seeing that this is still active, I assume you are still looking for an answer. My suggestion is that you take him aside and have a father to son talk with him. Tell him that you are sorry that he found out about his mother's shortcoming. That is something a boy should never have to deal with. However, he needs to understand that his mother is a human being just like he is and you are and human beings don't always make the best decisions. What his mother did is not okay ... but you have chosen to forgive her. You love her and you believe that marriage means something which is bigger and stronger than throwing it away over a bad decision, no matter how big that decision is. She now needs you and you are man enough to follow the example given by Jesus and to put that behind you and love her and care for her today. The past is the past. You hope that your son will eventually grow into the kind of man who can forgive and not be a child who holds grudges because they make him unhappy. This affects him but isn't about him.

It sounds like your family is one that doesn't talk out loud about problems but I would suggest that you set aside a part of each week that he can come to you and discuss what he sees as problems with the same non-judging spirit that you are giving your wife. He is growing into a man and this will be your opportunity to show him your thought process so he can emulate it. It will also build a closer relationship with him as he has to negotiate watching his mother's crippling illness. Your son needs you every bit as much as your wife does. You need to know and understand what is going on in his head even if you don't agree with it or like it. If you build this kind of relationship with him, then you can demand that he behaves with respect to his mother, even if her has not forgiven her. Part of becoming an adult is learning how to forgive, but it is also learning how to behave appropriately even if we don't feel it.

A boy should trust that his mother is stable and trustworthy. His mother betrayed this trust and has never asked for forgiveness from him (or you). You need to fill the gap that a mother normally fills and be there to lovingly deal with his emotions and his hurt which is expressing itself as hatred. Give him time. And learn to tell him that you love him (saying it out loud) so he can learn that you are the solid foundation that your family is built on and that your silence acceptance isn't weakness but strength.

(And can I say, I respect you tremendously for forgiving and hanging tight to your promises as a husband)
 
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brinny

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I felt that the matter did not need to be discussed by my wife and me. I do not believe in divorce, so I know my only option is to let it go and move on. My son is 13 and my wife's affair three years ago was an adult matter that does not pertain to him. If it weren't for his friend, he would not have any knowledge of what occured. For the sake of his mother's health he needs to put his feelings aside and carry on.
My son is 13 and my wife's affair three years ago was an adult matter that does not pertain to him.
No, it's not, nor was it an "adult" matter, especially since the cameras caught it, right there in your son's school, and he was what? 10 years old at the time. You can assume that it got ALL OVER the school.

Seriously, what a horror of a nightmare for a 10 year old little boy.

Did your wife ever apologize to her son? Ask his forgiveness?

Your 13 year old son needs support and counseling and really, "grief" counseling to deal with all that he's had to bear and the shame of it.

All three of you should pursue counseling to work on resolving this excruciating pain and betrayal, especially for your son.
 
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CRAZY_CAT_WOMAN

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I'm pretty sure the church board is aware. By what I understand they were caught in the act at the church.
Your poor sick wife has two more affairs that you're aware of. One that ended up in abortion. Your son was never the problem. You guys seem to be the problem. Forced to take pills for your normal son ,that could have got brain damage . And I'm guessing your still with her. Wow!
 
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seeking.IAM

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Meyerjd, here are some things to think about:
  1. It seems you are wanting your son to react as you have reacted by sweeping it under the rug and making no mention of it. People react differently so that is unrealistic of you, to say nothing of likely not being the healthiest thing to do.
  2. Realize this happened on your son's turf...in the school system. I imagine it caused him a great deal of public embarrassment among his peers. The school has its own grapevine and I doubt this occurrence was contained between the janitor, the janitor's son, your son, and his mother. Image among peers is very important to an adolescent and your wife's actions undoubtedly brought great embarrassment to your son.
  3. Remember your son is a teenager. The developmental task of a teenager is to begin to separate themselves from their parents. Believe me, you want this so your son isn't still living in your basement when he is 33. By nature, teenagers tend to be mouthy and argumentative as a way of pushing themselves away from their parents as they move toward independence. That sometimes makes it hard to tell the difference between someone that is being a typical teenager from someone who has a legitimate axe to grind.
I haven't real all the posts and pages of this thread, but I encourage you to listen to what your son has to say, to consider it from his point of view, to understand that he isn't going to handle everything the same way you do, and to think about whether family counseling might help you all sort it out, you included.
 
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