So sorry, but....

[KarrieTex]

Ding ding ding!!! Girl the alarms are going off blaring here, RED RED flags....do yourself a favor and wait for the one that is open to loving your kids from the get go. DO NOT settle just because you want a relationship, it is not worth it. I see so many times out of loneliness, sadness or wanting something women settle for less then ideal and you shouldn't have to. I'm not saying this is what you are doing but I am concerned. You are worth your weight in gold, and so are your kids, they deserve somebody who doesn't have to "work at" loving, understanding kids. I will but this does not sound or look good from the outside. The whole needs to hear more confirmation from the Lord about you guys...ding ding.....he would then stay clear from dating a single mom until he KNEW he could do this and THEN proceed, not have you get involved, fall for him and then pull a "the Lord told me this is not the right thing for me" BS line.

Again, why settle for somebody who has to 'try'. We all learn and when kids are involved you know what you're getting into and obviously there will be getting to know eachother and so forth but not the "try to like the kids" part. Either they are ok w/a "ready family" or not.. Most of them IME are not. A few of them I dated were, one of them was older and never had kids of his own so he was the most welcoming to the "single mom", as a matter of fact he now is dating a single mom of 3 lol. One had kids of his own, the last one well, fiasco, he was willing and eager to get to know them but it failed for other more tragic issues.

One guy I dated a few times was upfront that he preferred that the dad would not be involved in the kids lives at all and he would be glad to assume father figure , needless to say that was the last date. Another agreed "on paper" to encourage father involvement but knowing the ex was a less then good dad would find reasons to say he'd be willing to be a father figure and it probably wouldn't matter to the ex anyway as he wasn't an involved dad, again what about what my kids want? Ir what they will bring up some day that I chose to make it to where their dad would go from little involvement to none at all?

So, w/out me ranting about my guys lol....this really sends up flags, I'm sure there was an implied "you misunderstood what I said, what I really meant was...." or am I wrong? Go w/your first instinct which was to realized he was a toad and move on w/head held high, doing what you've done till now, putting kiddos first.

You have a valid point. I was engaged once to a man who said that he would GVIE me a child but he didn't want children.

I broke it off because of that. Children should not be given to another because of their want but should be had together because they will be loved and wanted by both.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

Please be careful about involving the kids. I'm sure you have the same concerns that I do about having the kids get attached to someone.

 

[hope4today]

Actually, a bit of hope;
I got a call last night from him and he said he realized I was hurt by his comment about the children. He said he realized I had gotten upset, and then he felt it was over, door closed. He did say, yes, he was attracted to me, but that is not all he wanted, not just arm decor, and that he did want to have a best friend, partner in Christ, and wife.

He asked me to dinner last night, and being the always hungry girl I am, I went.

It went well, and I was on guard, but he explained it will take him some time to learn to love them, that he would not ever be mean or unloving to them, and that in all the missions trips, he was getting to know teens and that was what he was most unsure about. He seems to like my little girls.

He did say that he needs to hear more confirmation from the Lord concerning us, but that in his opinion, I was just what he was looking for, that he liked being with me, and that he could be a good role model and friend to the children. I don't think he is the "full of hot air" type, but that he is trying.

Just you know, I am on my guard, esp. after the last one who basically said the exact same thing and then told me he was not ready at all after spending months close to me and the kids.

I don't want to rain on your parade, Cool Mum, but this has got red flags for me too (Albeit from a position that knows nothing apart from what you've said in this thread).
If he is unsure at all about the 'children' part then really he should not be dating a single parent. I think that is just selfish at worst and thoughtless at best. If he is to be responsible, he needs to have that sorted out with God BEFORE he even begins to date a woman with children or else he is setting the woman and the children up for more pain. If he says he is waiting to hear more from God, then he needs to WAIT till he hears before getting your heart and more importantly the 'heart' of your kids involved. It is not about getting to know your kids before deciding, he needs to decide in advance if he is prepared to love your children no matter what. He doesn't have to become Dad for then, if they have a Dad, but he DOES need to be prepared to LOVE them. None of us get to check out what our kids are like before we get them and he also needs to know in advance whether he is prepared to love someone else's kids unconditionally. I think any man who truly desires to be Christlike would love your children if he loved and wanted you.
I am not calling him a toad, he is probably a really nice guy, but sounds like he doesn't have the maturity to understand what he is doing. And he has every right not to be sure if he wants to take on your children and whether he can love them, but if he isn't sure he should not engage your heart any further until he is.

They are just my thoughts from the scant information I have.

It is so hard when they offer so much of what we love, not to miss the red flags that are flying. My concern for you says, please be careful. Bless you CoolMum as you pray through this and hear from your Father.

Hope

 

[Gimpy]

Actually, a bit of hope;
I got a call last night from him and he said he realized I was hurt by his comment about the children. He said he realized I had gotten upset, and then he felt it was over, door closed. He did say, yes, he was attracted to me, but that is not all he wanted, not just arm decor, and that he did want to have a best friend, partner in Christ, and wife.

He asked me to dinner last night, and being the always hungry girl I am, I went.

It went well, and I was on guard, but he explained it will take him some time to learn to love them, that he would not ever be mean or unloving to them, and that in all the missions trips, he was getting to know teens and that was what he was most unsure about. He seems to like my little girls.

He did say that he needs to hear more confirmation from the Lord concerning us, but that in his opinion, I was just what he was looking for, that he liked being with me, and that he could be a good role model and friend to the children. I don't think he is the "full of hot air" type, but that he is trying.

Just you know, I am on my guard, esp. after the last one who basically said the exact same thing and then told me he was not ready at all after spending months close to me and the kids.

I am sorry, but he is feeding you a line. He wants to keep you around, I dont blame him, but it is a line. I am a man. I know a line when I hear it. If he does not want to be a dad to your kids, and has to try to get used to them, he never will.

 

[porterross]

Let Jesus be the love of your life, then your kids. The rest will ge given you according to His timeline.
Trying to force anything else will only bring more pain. Been there, done that and learned the hard way.

 

[CoolMom6]

Friends;
This is what I got from the Lord as I prayed last night and this morning; that that brother wants to continue to be a part of missions in his church, and was called to it.
He needs/wants a woman unattached to go be by his side, and to be wholly involved in the things he is involved in.

I get it. It is no big deal when I hear it from God this way. I am setting him at the foot of the cross along with anything else. I am not going to put pressure on him to give that up.

It's all good~~
Thanks for letting me get all this gunk off my chest.

 

[catofhope]

Barb

​

 

[CoolMom6]

Barb

​

You give great hugs, sister!!
Thanks~

 

[catofhope]

You give great hugs, sister!!
Thanks~

Now if only Randy was here so I could give him some to celebrate our 4 month anniversary today.

 

[hope4today]

Bless you CoolMom (have to keep fixing your title 'cos I automatically type mum )


Anyway back to you!! Bless you heaps CM, Your Father sees your heart and had wonderful things planned for you.
There is sorrow in the cross but in Jesus you have the joy of what is set before you. Praise God for your faithfulness and willing soft heart before him. He loves you and is faithfull.

With love in Jesus



Hope

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I could learn a thing or two from you Barb. Stay close to me and keep me in line please.

 

[CoolMom6]

Nah...you were instrumental in helping me hear.
That is what friends are for.

 

[porterross]

Friends;
This is what I got from the Lord as I prayed last night and this morning; that that brother wants to continue to be a part of missions in his church, and was called to it.
He needs/wants a woman unattached to go be by his side, and to be wholly involved in the things he is involved in.

I get it. It is no big deal when I hear it from God this way. I am setting him at the foot of the cross along with anything else. I am not going to put pressure on him to give that up.

It's all good~~
Thanks for letting me get all this gunk off my chest.

You don't honestly believe that God has put this man's needs before yours and that this is all about what's good for him, do you? He's been sent away for your benefit and that of your children.

I'm more than a little concerned about your lack of focus on what's best for you and your children FIRST. You need to set forth the criteria for your children and your household and stay true to it in a manner that pleases God. Whether or not that includes a man in the immediate future is up to God, but I seriously doubt He wants you to settle or compromise your children or your own self worth, which I sense has eroded recently.

I'm worried about you, Barb. These men are not more important than you are to God. Being a single mom can be a blessing and being without a man is nothing to be ashamed of if you make the most of the time by reflecting on your future.

Cherish and make the most of this time alone with your kiddos. It will be gone before you know it. Make the most of the time you have been given to be a strong role model for you girls.

 

[CoolMom6]

Yes, my self-esteem had been trashed for the last three years; mostly from the treatment of my baby's father and his attempts to stalk and harrass me. I have come a long way, but still slip into depression at times, which are often the times I happen to get on here. But God has taken me from the muck and mire, and I have risen above all that.

Actually, in the past couple of weeks, because of stepping out in faith and doing a few things I distinctly heard from the Lord to do, I have regained a lot of my optimism and joy. About a month ago, I was suicidal because many circumstances around me were spinning out of control; least of all my worries were about any guy.

I also had about 8 diff. men friends whom were vying for my attention one way or another, and I asked God to loudly slam the door on the ones who would not have any purpose in my life; as a friend or other. I began to see things happen. Very clearly. I have now very distinct friendships with 4 of them, and the other 4 are like occasional aquaintances; no hard feelings with any of them. I am overjoyed that the Lord had shown me those things like He did; it was a blessing.

So that is just ONE thing I have learned.

I specifically sought Mark out for his leadership qualities, but I see he is a gentle person. He has ideas about what he wants to do with his retirement: missions.
He just got stopped in his tracks by a lady who knocked his socks off: me.
I like him, too, a LOT; but I know have other options.

I do know that it is all about my kids.
I have spent lots of years, even when I WAS married, with them exclusively. I don't get near enough time with my sons now, and that kills me, but not much I can do.
I have a couple of days a week when they are all gone, by divorce order. I can choose to do what I want with those days, and instead of sitting here wasting hours, I have been attending church and Bible studies with Mark and others.

So, that is all positive, and I am in a place where I can chose what I want, and I can let him go to do what he feels he wants. Or I am here; he knows where he can find me. Or I can tell him where the door is.

I just got angry at the time over the comment about him not being sure about the kids thing and seems like I had heard it all before. Now he is asking me why don't I consider missions and I just said, only if I see a way. He even said I do not "have" to go with him, even if I become his wife, but I will stay put unless God makes a way. I see more opportunities to minister in Vegas than I do anywhere else.

So, if this made any sense at all; I tend to overreact at a certain time in my female cycle.(!!)

And I woke up to the reality that He is in control of it all anyway. I won't settle again for less than the best; no way. I am not compromising my principals again. I am a mom first and foremost, and anyone who meets me knows that in the first 30 seconds.

 

[catofhope]

Barb,

Thanks for sharing so much of yourself.

Praying for you in all matters.

 

[Gimpy]

Barb,

Thanks for sharing so much of yourself.

Praying for you in all matters.

Amen, amen and amen

 

[C.F.W. Walther]

OK, so this is like the second time in a row, pretty much, that I have gotten the "So sorry, but I don't really think I want to raise little children again. But I like you and pretty much just want your body" speech.
Blah. Well...that last part I ad-libbed, but all kidding aside, that was what was basically said by two men I have dated, and honestly, by the last two husbands.

So, what now??? I understand they want to not have the responsibility of raising someone else's children, but my kids have dads, and they are involved. I just need and want someone for me.

These men knew we were a package deal from the get-go.

I am still getting calls to go out to dinner with the last one, who backed out of marriage after dating exclusively for 7 months, and this one, who I was pretty convinced nothing scared him, but he seems to be mostly concerned with getting me alone lately; blah and double blah.

I'm thinking that some of these men are not taking this before God prayerfully and they are doing what their selfish ego wants and not what God wants. This would not be for all cases imho.

 

[PassionateOne]

I'm thinking that some of these men are not taking this before God prayerfully and they are doing what their selfish ego wants and not what God wants.

 

[CoolMom6]

Actually things have improved in all areas since my OP.
I believe I see a willingness to do things with and for the kids.
He has been to a football practice, and invited us all to the movies tomorrow night.
I am going to spend time with him just us two, also, but I am pleased that he is giving the whole family a chance.

I still do not have much sympathy towards the last bf and his so-called reasons for not marrying, but hey, if it was not God's will, I am good with it now.

 

[overit]

Live and learn coolmom...wish you the best though.