I hope this is okay to share here because I really really wanted to share my story, and hopefully help others.
I have a rare medical condition called Moebius Syndrome. My face is crooked, and I look like I'm slow, but I'm not. And I have aspbergers on top of that.
When I was a kid, I was really obsessed with the idea of having a best friend. But I usually didn't have any, and when I did it was only when no one else was looking.
Looking back now, I think when I got older and went through... *Coughs* being a teenager, I think the idea of the male best friend, and love just got jumbled in my head.
In High School I got introduced to fanfiction and started reading gay stories and really got caught up in those.
In 2009, after college, I met my partner for 13 years. He was from Germany (I'm from the US). He said he would eventually move here, and we had a great 13 years, and I flew there and he flew here many many times. We would go on trips and do fun things, but when we weren't in the same company we chatted every day, later were able to voice chat, we played games online, and by being nerdy we watched shows and movies together too.
........I also don't want to say anything not appropriate, so I hope it's okay to just say.... the things that you'd think would go along with that kind of a relationship, I had no interest in.
Over the years I still had my mind open though to what God wanted of me, and several times I saw an article about ex gays, about them turning away from it. So I would read it, curious if something would speak to me. But they were all the same... they were cheating, they were doing drugs, ect, and my mind said "Couldn't God have been delivering them from THOSE things?!"
But in 2020 My mom bought me a bible - I'm ashamed to say I had never sat down and read the bible before. I knew the gist of most of it, but reading the whole thing just felt daunting. Well, my mom got me a daily reader, where you read some Old, New, Psalms, and proverbs every day. (Each goes in order, no skipping around) and a couple things really spoke to me.
One was.... I knew there was a list of people who would not inherit the kingdom of God, and that Homosexuals were on the list... but what really got to me was.... .... that before it says the list, it says: "Do not be fooled!" ..... Almost like saying, there will be a time the world will tell you these things will be okay. Do not be fooled. Do not be fooled really got to me more than anything else.
The other thing was about how people will have Itchy ears to go to people that will tell them what they wanted to hear. And I definitely had that. I listened to people trying to tell me it was okay.
He left me in 2022. (I had just had foot surgery so it was extra fun of him...) and... I was an emotional wreck for MONTHS, but even so I knew it was what God wanted. I should have left him before that but I just didn't have the strength to end it, I'm ashamed to admit.
Now as time has passed and I've really been honest with myself....
I really believe that my ex was the best friend that I really wanted, and that's all he really was to me. I've actually been a little depressed the last couple days missing him... but I realize that I don't miss "Him" and "The relationship" I miss the inside jokes, the playing of games, the traveling, I miss my best friend, not anything else.
When I was fully gay, I would be insulted by people saying "God didn't make Adam and Steve" like, I know that.... .... But someone said to me a year or two ago that God didn't design us that way, and it just.... clicked.
I really and truly believe that the desperately wanting a friend, "Teenage years", and the fanfiction I was reading, and me having aspergers and the rare condition really did a number on me.
Now? .... I'm just single. I don't have much interest in women (But I have noticed that bar going slightly higher, so maybe God is working on me?) As far as men, I do occasionally find a guy attractive still, but I don't have any thoughts beyond that.
As I was writing this I realize that maybe my story is unique and wouldn't really help anyone but... I wanted to share in case it does.
(and again sorry if this wasn't allowed.)
I have a rare medical condition called Moebius Syndrome. My face is crooked, and I look like I'm slow, but I'm not. And I have aspbergers on top of that.
When I was a kid, I was really obsessed with the idea of having a best friend. But I usually didn't have any, and when I did it was only when no one else was looking.
Looking back now, I think when I got older and went through... *Coughs* being a teenager, I think the idea of the male best friend, and love just got jumbled in my head.
In High School I got introduced to fanfiction and started reading gay stories and really got caught up in those.
In 2009, after college, I met my partner for 13 years. He was from Germany (I'm from the US). He said he would eventually move here, and we had a great 13 years, and I flew there and he flew here many many times. We would go on trips and do fun things, but when we weren't in the same company we chatted every day, later were able to voice chat, we played games online, and by being nerdy we watched shows and movies together too.
........I also don't want to say anything not appropriate, so I hope it's okay to just say.... the things that you'd think would go along with that kind of a relationship, I had no interest in.
Over the years I still had my mind open though to what God wanted of me, and several times I saw an article about ex gays, about them turning away from it. So I would read it, curious if something would speak to me. But they were all the same... they were cheating, they were doing drugs, ect, and my mind said "Couldn't God have been delivering them from THOSE things?!"
But in 2020 My mom bought me a bible - I'm ashamed to say I had never sat down and read the bible before. I knew the gist of most of it, but reading the whole thing just felt daunting. Well, my mom got me a daily reader, where you read some Old, New, Psalms, and proverbs every day. (Each goes in order, no skipping around) and a couple things really spoke to me.
One was.... I knew there was a list of people who would not inherit the kingdom of God, and that Homosexuals were on the list... but what really got to me was.... .... that before it says the list, it says: "Do not be fooled!" ..... Almost like saying, there will be a time the world will tell you these things will be okay. Do not be fooled. Do not be fooled really got to me more than anything else.
The other thing was about how people will have Itchy ears to go to people that will tell them what they wanted to hear. And I definitely had that. I listened to people trying to tell me it was okay.
He left me in 2022. (I had just had foot surgery so it was extra fun of him...) and... I was an emotional wreck for MONTHS, but even so I knew it was what God wanted. I should have left him before that but I just didn't have the strength to end it, I'm ashamed to admit.
Now as time has passed and I've really been honest with myself....
I really believe that my ex was the best friend that I really wanted, and that's all he really was to me. I've actually been a little depressed the last couple days missing him... but I realize that I don't miss "Him" and "The relationship" I miss the inside jokes, the playing of games, the traveling, I miss my best friend, not anything else.
When I was fully gay, I would be insulted by people saying "God didn't make Adam and Steve" like, I know that.... .... But someone said to me a year or two ago that God didn't design us that way, and it just.... clicked.
I really and truly believe that the desperately wanting a friend, "Teenage years", and the fanfiction I was reading, and me having aspergers and the rare condition really did a number on me.
Now? .... I'm just single. I don't have much interest in women (But I have noticed that bar going slightly higher, so maybe God is working on me?) As far as men, I do occasionally find a guy attractive still, but I don't have any thoughts beyond that.
As I was writing this I realize that maybe my story is unique and wouldn't really help anyone but... I wanted to share in case it does.
(and again sorry if this wasn't allowed.)
