so....argh....

[Celtic Camel]

ok, so i hope this isn't gonna be triggering...
I'm just gonna type what's in my head cause i need to talk and i can't 'cause there's no one to talk to...

so, where to start... blah

had counselling today... it is productive (i hope) but i'm going out of my mind so here's today's processing... ugh...

So, long story, but my housemate briefly spoke to my counsellor (with my permission) because she thinks that i need to be more accountable with my eating... yeah, ok, so maybe i do... and today my counsellor presented me with three options towards accountability... option one - see a dietician (which i can't afford, but paying someone to 'care' is so much easier!); option two - let someone i don't know, but my counsellor does, who i can be accountable with (yeah, like i am willing to let someone else in to my life right now to talk about my s*#t); option three - be more accountable with my counsellor, which will involve having longer counselling sessions, to spend half and hour to talk 'food stuff' and then the rest of the sess to do the 'counselling' for everything else. ick... but that's what i'm going with cause at least i know her & trust her sort of...she is already aware that I will prob hate her for the food stuff, but I have to be mature enough to get over that to trust her with the 'heart-issues' for the rest of the stuff... make any sense???
so today we discussed food and how much i should be eating and set out a meal plan of sorts... i can't believe i nearly cried just because we were talking about food & what i should eat... it seems so much!!! (there's starving kids in Africa, don't you know!?!!) why do I have to do dinner as well as two other meals a day plus snacks!?!?
but, i have to try... and it helps to know that she actually eats more than she is asking me to and she's not fat or anything (and she's shorter than me), but still I know i'm going to panic every time i think about actually doing this.
now, here's the fun part... I think maybe I am becoming too dependant on her help? I have come to think this because all this week I wanted to cancel my appointments and never go back, because it's all too hard & scary and she's getting too close to something (I don't know what - it's just that gut feeling that I can't get rid of)
and also she's going away for three weeks and that is making me feel all panicky...
I have tried to be brave and reassure her that I'm fine, that I won't do anything stupid, and that I will stick to the meal plan & try to eat better, etc., etc., etc. (oh, and my emergency plan is to run to my bed and hide until sleep overtakes me! and no, she doesn't think that's a good strategy)
But I'm scared. I don't honestly believe I can do this, that I can be ok for three weeks, that i won't go backwards during that time... I know that even with her support, I have to do the work, but not having that support? help!!! I don't know if this will make sense, but does anyone else get really scared that their counsellor actually cares about them??? like today, as I was leaving I wished her a good holiday, she said that although she was happy to be going, there were some people she wasn't wanting to leave for three weeks, and i was one of them... it really makes me feel sick to think that someone might actually 'like' me despite everything they know about me...
oh, crap, I'm babbling, and you guys don't need my irrational insane paranoid ramblings...sorry. (but i'm gonna hit 'post' anyway...)
only thing left to say, is prayers appreciated even if i'm not around...please....

 

[Soulwings]

Lisa I'm glad that you posted this and got it out. That's a good thing. Definitely. Sounds like you could use all of the support that you can get right now.

I do agree that more accountability is a good thing, although I am sure it sounds quite scary from where you are. I'm glad that your counselor is available for longer sessions - talking about food is a hard thing but it's better than not, I think. She can't force you to eat - that is up to you - so there isn't any (logical) reason to hate her for making you talk about it, even though I can see why you would (or "hate" not hate). That does seem like a lot of food, yes, but I am also glad that you can see that she eats more than you and is not fat. That is good sound reasoning.

Blah. Being panicky about not having a counselor/therapist around... heck yes, I know how that feels! Right now I am not too worried about it, but that is bc I am afraid that my T is going to send me to hos, so being away from her (we're going out of town next week) is a relieving thing, no matter how much I enjoy working with her. It is scary to have someone care about you, especially when you talk about all the "crappy" parts of you and your life with him/her. That's why I am still surprised that Jarrod likes me - bc he knows more about me than even Lori (T) does - and am also surprised that Lori doesn't mind working with me, bc I really must seem like an awful person to her (she is always finding out new [bad] things about me). It is possible to get too attached to a T, if s/he is the one that you talk with the most... this is why getting out and spending time with other people is a good thing, making close(r) friends to whom you can talk about issues. That way you have other people to discuss things with and won't rely so much on your T - although yes, you will be talking and discussing more stuff in depth with your T, given.

I hope that some of that helped. We're behind you 100% so don't feel afraid to come on here to vent (I am glad that you posted!!). Love you, beautiful, and hang in there.

 

[Bamboo_Chicken]

I couldn't say it better than April, but I want to tell you that I think you can do it Lisa . We've known you for years on this board and seen how far you've come - you're going to make it Hun *hug*. If you need to chat at all (especially when your therapist is away) you know you can PM me anytime and I should be around.

I'm praying for you Lisa .

~Steffi (with a name change)

 

[Celtic Camel]

quick update....
thanks april & steffi...your support means so much to me

as for other stuff... everything sux... seems the more i try the worse i fail... really don't know why i bother sometimes... but i'll get out of bed tomorrow and pretend i'm ok, and that'll be another day i haven't given up totally...sigh

question... why is it that when things fall apart, the people you are supposed to be able to call on for support (in 'real life'), that they need your support and you can't let them know how much you can't really do it anymore...

ok, forget it... i'm babbling... sorry
xoxo

 

[MyaShane]

Aw Lisa, I'm sorry it's so rough right now for you. Please stay strong and yes, one day at a time, sometimes it's just the best you can do.

I've just found that I can't always rely on those around me for the support and understanding I need because they just don't get it and never will. So, I internalize or self talk, I really do that, or come here as much as I can. If we try and rely on those around us who really don't understand, too often we feel let down. How is the counseling going?

 

[Celtic Camel]

hey... i'm ok... trying hard to be, at least.
as for counselling, Jane's still away til the twenty third, so counselling is great
but i seriously don't know if she'll want to (be willing to) see me when she gets back anyway cause I haven't done what she asked me to...(like eat better)... so basically, I have stuffed up bad and don't know if i care enough to 'fix' it...weighed myself tonight and discovered i've lost a bit again (not surprising since i've hardly eaten yet again! *%#^)

meh... it's now my weekend from work, so maybe with a couple of days to rest and refocus, i might be thinking more positively...
thanks for all the care and support.
xoxo

 

[Celtic Camel]

I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me i'm doing the right thing (and yes, i know you won't tell me that, but whatever) & I just wanted to 'talk' to someone, but there is noone to talk to...
I spoke to my boss today (not my direct supervisor, but the one above her)... about me maybe going onto some medication that may affect my work... It went well, and she was really supportive of finding a way to make things work. I even told her I have & am stuggling with depression. Argh! She said that although we may have to create a plausible story so people don't talk about why I might take need to step back from some things, without them deciding that I have done something wrong and I'm being 'punished', I shouldn't have to tell anyone what's going on except HR (for firstaid & legal reasons) and probably my direct supervisor, but beyond that it will be totally confidential.
So now, I just have to get the guts to find a doctor (or travel to Bris to see my one down there)... I hate doctors... How do i go to a new doctor and say "Hi, i need antidepressants...??? I don't know if i can do this... Anyway... guess that I'll talk to Jane (counsellor)about all that sometime, right?

Anyway, sorry to annoy you... just needed to vent, cause I'm a bit stressed tonight.

 

[MyaShane]

You never annoy us Lisa. I'm glad you can get it all out here!

It's good that your situation can be kept confidential from your coworkers. It's not their business and you don't need the added stress of having to deal with feeling like you have to explain or defend yourself at work.

I'm all about being honest with doctors. The worst he/she can tell you is "no", but I'm sure you wouldn't just blurt it out there out of nowhere anyway without a bit of history first. You need to find a good doctor who's "on your side". I'll be praying you can be led to the right one for you!

 

[Celtic Camel]

so, Jane (counsellor) is back... saw her on monday... it was icky... i suck... spend the last part of session with her holding me, cause i wanted to si so bad... when i said that i don't think i can do any of this anymore, she agreed (bit of a shock when one of the few people of believes in you tells you they don't think you can make it - at least not by yourself...)
told her i was thinking about finding a dr and maybe going on meds again... she thinks i should... she
also suggested (again) that if i don't, hospital is a real possibility... problem is, i know i don't fit any of the boxes needed to be hospitalised (that's a good thing, right?)

anyways, have made an appt with a new dr for wed morning... apparently, he's good, a christian, has good knowledge of mental health issues, etc... so, we'll see... if i don't back out...

and between now and then, i have to be ok, eat, not purge (yes, that's come back again recently too...), not si... and keep smiling... plus take on extra responsibilities at work when my boss goes away in a week or so...
I just want to hide in my bed and never be seen again...

 

[MyaShane]

Lisa I'm really glad you're getting into see a new doctor. Hopefully a change will help you a bit. Sometimes I think we get in a bit of a rut and need a new perspective from someone else. Don't try and tackle all of the things you're struggling with all at once or it'll get too overwhleming. Focus on one or two and do the best you can.

 

[Soulwings]

Lisa. Sorry I've not been responding, guess I've just missed seeing this come up.

I'm glad that you're keeping us updated. We care about you.

It's fantastic that your depression can be kept confidential. That will help avoid some stress that you could have had to deal with. Yey on that.

Seeing a new doctor is a good thing, and I think that after talking with you for a little while, he'd get the idea that you need ADs. It's kind of hard to hide depression when it's gone so far. Even if you manage to put on a mask, it can still be spotted by experienced doctors. So... all that to say, I hope that you do get the meds that you need. It's fantastic that he's Christian, too. Please do your best to not back out.

I'm so glad that you've got a good T. She sounds very kind and as though she cares a lot about you. She may be right, hos may be a good idea, but that's the last resort, and I'm pretty sure that she will work through things with you to help keep you out of there. No one wants to see his/her clients going into hos.

Here in the States, they would take you into hos even if you didn't have a full diagnosis. I don't know if it's different "down there" or not. Probably in hos they'd figure out where you fit. (Haha, it's kind of funny to talk about dxes and labels as though they are desirable things! )

I hope some of what I said is helpful. I'm here if you need to talk. Try and take care of yourself, do the best that you can, and I'll be praying that things go okay for the rest of the week. Hang tough, beautiful. You can do this.

 

[Celtic Camel]

oh, bother... I just typed a whole page and it's gone...
...
what I was thinking was can I move this thread into a blog somehow?
...
anyway dr's appt when ok (better than days of anxiety before hand would allow me to believe)... dr seems nice enough... freely admits he doesn't know much about ed's (I had to explain what ednos stood for when he asked what I’ve ever been officially diagnosed as before), but he does seem to know what he's talking about with the depression stuff... ended up asking me what I wanted to do... my response was it doesn't matter what I want to do, it's a case of what do I have to do... so, he's given me a trial pack of lexapro (?)... and we'll see where things go from here... ...
today's counselling was...intense... Jane was justifiably harsh? with me (in a very loving & caring way, of course)... she thinks I don't see the ed as the deadly enemy it is, and until I hate it enough, I will keep choosing to dance with it & play its games... true enough, I admit... so, to try to help me see it for what it is, she has me writing down a list of all it has taken from me (or are they things I have given up to it?)... I'm not allowed to include any of my 'positive' excuses or rationalizations...
if anyone wants to share, I’d be interested to know what others have 'sacrificed' to the ed that lives with them.?
so far I have a list of thirty-one things...plus a couple of unwanted 'gifts' it's given me. (for me the ed & depression are so intertwined, I don’t know which is which)
some examples of things I’ve lost:
- friends
- faith/trust
- confidence
- energy
- a will to live
- my ability to discern truth/reality
- my ability to learn/retain knowledge the way I used to (or is that just old age? lol)
a couple of the 'gifts'
- isolation
- more anxiety & irrational fears
- a f*%$#d-up metabolism

you get the idea…. Blah

and the rest of the day I have been buried in an intense book, "The Shack" by William P Young… and I will leave you with a couple of passages from it…
[God (Papa) speaking:] "Honey, there’s no easy answer that will take your pain away. Believe me, if I had one, I’d use it now. I have no magic wand to wave over you & make it all better. Life takes a bit of time and a lot of relationship."
Oh, joy… doesn’t that make me feel so much more, I dunno… reassured?

'Jesus?...I feel so lost' …A hand reached out & squeezed his & didn’t let go. "I know… But it’s not true. I am with you & I am not lost. I’m sorry it feels that way, but hear me clearly. You are not lost."

Anyway, enough of my babbling… love you guys more than words on here can express…

Big hugs
xoxox

 

[texannurse]

Thanks for the excerpt. It really hit home for me right now.
God bless!
Love and prayers to all!!!!