Single guys not interested in single moms.

[kmichey80]

Hi I am a 29 year old professional, never-been married, Chrisitan single mother of a 4 year old little girl. I wouldn't say I look like your A typical single mother, struggling and so forth. I have a situation that I need advice on. I met a Christian guy who is a couple years younger than me. We have hung out several times. He really likes me however there are 2 issues. First and foremost before he met me he was "talking" not offically but potentially thinking about dating this other girl in our 25-35 group. They are only friends, yet when he met me we also are becoming friends and he's expressed that he likes me. Now after a few weeks of hanging out a bunch, I'm wondering if this is going to stay like this or if he will actually say lets date. We talked about it yesterday before he was to leave on a trip out of state for 4 days, this weekend. He told me this basically, "I dont know what to do, I'm very torn and also do not want to hurt anyone's feelings." He proceeded to tell me that he has feelings for both me and this other girl, and is confused and praying about it. I asked if there was something I was or wasn't doing that was making me less eligible to potentially be with him. He said no but that he was very scared about me having a child. I have yet to have my daughter around for very long at all because I want him to decide if he likes me first without having to try and like 2 people. Also to protect her. He said he didn't want to feel this way but he felt like he always imagined a family of his own and me having a child really confused that idea. Please dont get me wrong, he wasn't mean about any of this, he was even apologizing like... I know I shouldn't as a Christian feel this way, but it's like I can't help it. I thought after our conversation last night he would start to shy away from me, however he continues to text me constantly, flirt and pursue as it seems. It's very obvious he likes me, I just am not sure what I should do. Should I back off? I am praying for sure. Should I go forward getting to know him being his friend, and potentially get hurt if he decides to not get in a relationship with me and then winds up dating the other girl?

This is so confusing and devastating to me that so many men are not willing to date a single mom. I get it, I do, I'm not stupid. And of course this one is younger than me anyway.

What do you think. I'm new here please no bashing me

KMichelle

 

[white dove]

Hi I am a 29 year old professional, never-been married, Chrisitan single mother of a 4 year old little girl. I wouldn't say I look like your A typical single mother, struggling and so forth. I have a situation that I need advice on. I met a Christian guy who is a couple years younger than me. We have hung out several times. He really likes me however there are 2 issues. First and foremost before he met me he was "talking" not offically but potentially thinking about dating this other girl in our 25-35 group. They are only friends, yet when he met me we also are becoming friends and he's expressed that he likes me. Now after a few weeks of hanging out a bunch, I'm wondering if this is going to stay like this or if he will actually say lets date. We talked about it yesterday before he was to leave on a trip out of state for 4 days, this weekend. He told me this basically, "I dont know what to do, I'm very torn and also do not want to hurt anyone's feelings." He proceeded to tell me that he has feelings for both me and this other girl, and is confused and praying about it. I asked if there was something I was or wasn't doing that was making me less eligible to potentially be with him. He said no but that he was very scared about me having a child. I have yet to have my daughter around for very long at all because I want him to decide if he likes me first without having to try and like 2 people. Also to protect her. He said he didn't want to feel this way but he felt like he always imagined a family of his own and me having a child really confused that idea. Please dont get me wrong, he wasn't mean about any of this, he was even apologizing like... I know I shouldn't as a Christian feel this way, but it's like I can't help it. I thought after our conversation last night he would start to shy away from me, however he continues to text me constantly, flirt and pursue as it seems. It's very obvious he likes me, I just am not sure what I should do. Should I back off? I am praying for sure. Should I go forward getting to know him being his friend, and potentially get hurt if he decides to not get in a relationship with me and then winds up dating the other girl?

This is so confusing and devastating to me that so many men are not willing to date a single mom. I get it, I do, I'm not stupid. And of course this one is younger than me anyway.

What do you think. I'm new here please no bashing me

KMichelle

First of all, hello.



Now.. if this guy really was interested in dating you, he would have never have said that he was already looking at someone else to date. Sorry. But, he didn't sound right for you from the get-go. If a guy - or woman - is just hanging out, getting to know someone... they're not going to outright say that they're considering dating other people unless you're not even a consideration for them. If people are just getting to know each other and not exclusively dating anyone, they wouldn't bring up other people as there is no real relevance... unless you're seen as solely a platonic friend.


As far as single men not wanting to date single mothers... lol! I know a few women who would beg to differ. There are men out there who are up to the challenge, who are thoughtful enough and strong enough to take it on. Quite simply: If a man puts it on you being a single mother and that's the "reason" he's not interested in dating you, he simply isn't right for you, period. Be thankful he walked away.

 

[Pompa Mike]

Hi kmichey, I'm new here too but I've found as usual I have a hard time shutting up. I got to say that once again White Dove has pegged a few things that jumped out at me when I read your post, The fact that he mentioned someone else and the sort of juggling act he was going through really raises a red flag for me. That other person issue just doesn't seem to fit.
I will admit that dating a single mother can have it's issues, sometimes it complicates things sometimes it doesn't it really depends on the situation. But for a fella to have voice his doubts this early and without giving it a try sorta makes me wonder.
Take what I say with a grain of salt, I am not a relationship expert, but I do play one on TV.

 

[kmichey80]

You play one on tv?? Really what show? Thanks for the advice. I know this seems weird but its not. We met at church group, he found me on facebook, he chatted me on facebook and while we were chatting I asked if he was dating this other girl. He said this basically, "Haha funny question... ummm... we've been talking about it but no we are not offically dating or anything." So its not like he came right out and told me you know I'm dating this girl so just so you know....

We decided to hang out even though I knew he had previously been hanging out with her with a possibility that someday they might date, as we've gotten to know eachother more and more (as friends) he seems to really be liking me a ton as a potential girl friend someday.

He is 25 so having a kid seems scary to him but guys do a lot of maturing in their 20's and I think in a spiritual sense it might take him another year or so to be ok with something like that personally. I'm praying that God will open his heart to single mom's in general and that he will reveal His truth about how a Christian should be open to whatever the Will of God is.

That might clarify a bit.

 

[Trashionista]

He sounds sketch.

If he doesn't want to date a single mom - for whatever reason, all could be valid - that's his choice. As blunt and as harsh as it might sound, move on.

 

[jamiejohn]

Depends on the guy actually, personally I guess I wouldn't mind and your lucky she's only 4 so she won't really put much of a strain on a possible relationship, now a demanding 2 year old or 3 year old, might be a bit of a problem for most guys.

I'm pretty sure I had this conversation between guys recently and IIRC some said they'd be more than okay with it if the kid was about 4, weird.

Anyway I really hope it works out, I'm sure there must be a guy out there for you. Can't be easy on your own.

 

[Inkachu]

You don't want someone who's not absolutely, 100% sure that they want to be with you. Forget this guy. Stay friends only. If you try to get into a relationship with him, somewhere down the road he's going to decide he just can't handle it and he's going to bolt, and you're going to be much more hurt. Don't even date him. There are LOTS of men willing to date single moms. I know from experience, I'm a single mom, too.

 

[Spirit_Star]

If he feels this way he may not be the right guy for you. Truth is it takes a special person to marry or get deeply involved with someone who already has kids. Lets face it most people do not imagine their future family containing step-children. However it is a reality of life now a days what with all the divorces and even people who wiling become single parents prior to meeting their life mate.

I think you need to be honest with him does he see you all being long term? If not then maybe you should end it after all its not just you but your daughter too you don’t want to her to attah/bond with a man who has no intention of staying with you.

 

[penNpaper]

I think all single moms deserve two things:

1) A big Mommy Award for hanging in for raising a child on their own
2) They deserve to find a guy that will LOVE not only them but their child as well as ACCEPT them as who they are in Christ

God Bless,
Drew

 

[ProAntiRevolution]

If I was especially interested in a girl I wouldn't be telling her about my other prospects even if I was also interested in someone else. There is a point at which it's unrealistic to think you're going to meet someone that doesn't have children from a prior relationship. However, mid-20's isn't that point. Rejection isn't fun, whether it's because you're a single parent, not attractive enough, don't make enough money, or whatever the reason it doesn't really change the feeling like crap thing.

As for the subject in general, I would take it on a case by case, but I:

1.Don't want to get dragged into people's custody/child support battles.
2.Don't want to have to live under the thumb of a family court. For example: you marry a woman with a child, and later find a great job opportunity in another state. The courts can very well say she cannot move the child out of the state. So then you're forced to give up the job, or have to ask her to give up primary custody in order to make the move. In either outcome someone isn't going to be especially happy.
3.Don't want to be expected to help pay for/provide care for someone else's child only to be reminded whenever it suits the mother than I'm not the child's father.
4.Would prefer not to deal with the complicated dynamics involved in so called blended families.

 

[Sketcher]

Well, this guy in particular really has no business keeping you on the ropes like this. He should simply choose one of you, and the one he chooses doesn't even need to know that he was considering the other.

Also, any guy you do get with should have made up in his own mind already that single moms aren't off the table. That way, it's going to minimize the chances of him leaving you because he thought he could handle you having a kid, but not being able to. Neither you nor your daughter need someone who's on the fence about this, because if she's going to have a dad, he ought to be one that's glad to be there and will stick around.

 

[Inkachu]

I know this may not need to be said, but...

Single parents need to date people who don't just tolerate or accept their children, but really love their children, from the get-go. If they dislike kids in general, chances are, they aren't going to love yours. If they love all kids in general, chances are, they're going to love yours, too. If they aren't sure how they feel about kids, do not date them. You don't need to be taking risks with your child's heart. Find someone who loves kids. LOVES kids.

 

[Italianguy]

I know this may not need to be said, but...

Single parents need to date people who don't just tolerate or accept their children, but really love their children, from the get-go. If they dislike kids in general, chances are, they aren't going to love yours. If they love all kids in general, chances are, they're going to love yours, too. If they aren't sure how they feel about kids, do not date them. You don't need to be taking risks with your child's heart. Find someone who loves kids. LOVES kids.

AMEN TO THAT SISTER! I was just about to say the same thing! ...

.oh and welcome to the forum new sister.

I was a single father of one for a while and although I never dated there were many women whom tried to "hook up" i guess you say? The first thing that comes out of my mouth is that i have a child, one actually said "I can put up with you having a kid I guess?" Not that I mind, I understand that some women don't want kids or children from previous marriages, but for me, a woman must want my son from the start, not someone to tolerate as sis inkabink said.

Is a good thing even my second marriage was arranged (semi). When all of us met for the first time and my mother asked (then, my potential wife) "what would you say if my son had a child from another?" She replied "If he did, why is the child not here, so as I could greet him as my own."...Needless to say the arrangement was made that day. I just wish all people were as my wife is about this.

Oh yeah I should mention my wife when we were arranged was a virgin, no children, and never had a boyfriend and never been married. So I am living proof that they are out there, just be patient and follow Gods will for you!

God bless sis.

 

[jpcedotal]

Anytime kids are involved on either or both sides, certain boundaries should be made and "up front" kid questions for the get-go are a must.

 

[overit]

Well, this guy in particular really has no business keeping you on the ropes like this. He should simply choose one of you, and the one he chooses doesn't even need to know that he was considering the other.

Also, any guy you do get with should have made up in his own mind already that single moms aren't off the table. That way, it's going to minimize the chances of him leaving you because he thought he could handle you having a kid, but not being able to. Neither you nor your daughter need someone who's on the fence about this, because if she's going to have a dad, he ought to be one that's glad to be there and will stick around.

I agree on parts here....it's ok in beginning stages for guy or girl to be interested in a few people until they narrow it down-nothing wrong with that-they dont' owe it to us or have to be totally into one person from the get-go. JMO. However-it's a catch22-it's nice to know they are considering others so there are no feeligns hurt-at the same time does he owe it to them to say anything until a relationship is established-he could just take his time in deciding and then pursue. He's confused and interested in two people-personally I do not find that offensive or wrong in any way whatsoever.

On the other hand-when it comes to how he feels about dating a single mom or having kids in his life? That's non-negotiable...either you're open to it or not. In this case I'd say his hesitation isn't looking good for you. There's nothing wrong w/someone admitting he's unsure about it....or someone knowing it's not for them. Some may be new to it and aren't sure if they'd be open to it unless they date someone who is a parent first. Personally I prefer to stay away from the unsure situations and go for guys that I know are open to me having children.

Welcome to CF by the way!

 

[DougyP]

For the question of should you back off?

You should entertain his advances if you like him. He might be waiting to feel comfortable before he makes a move. If you like him, just be yourself around him. He may eventually get the courage to make a move.

Good luck.

 

[CrystalBrooke]

I don't like to share...I wouldn't even fool with someone who was juggling two women at a time like he is with you and the other woman.

And, you can't fault him for being stand offish about your kid..some people are like that and at least he's being honest. But when I left my husband with my 2 year old daughter, there were more than a few men who asked me out in the first 3 weeks of finding out I was single. So, trust me, they are out there and you'll find one who loves you and your child.

 

[Inkachu]

AMEN TO THAT SISTER! I was just about to say the same thing! ...

.oh and welcome to the forum new sister.

I was a single father of one for a while and although I never dated there were many women whom tried to "hook up" i guess you say? The first thing that comes out of my mouth is that i have a child, one actually said "I can put up with you having a kid I guess?" Not that I mind, I understand that some women don't want kids or children from previous marriages, but for me, a woman must want my son from the start, not someone to tolerate as sis inkabink said.

Is a good thing even my second marriage was arranged (semi). When all of us met for the first time and my mother asked (then, my potential wife) "what would you say if my son had a child from another?" She replied "If he did, why is the child not here, so as I could greet him as my own."...Needless to say the arrangement was made that day. I just wish all people were as my wife is about this.

Oh yeah I should mention my wife when we were arranged was a virgin, no children, and never had a boyfriend and never been married. So I am living proof that they are out there, just be patient and follow Gods will for you!

God bless sis.

I do envy you and your wife's relationship And I'm not new to the forum, I just constantly change my avatar, lol. But thanks anyway!

Anytime kids are involved on either or both sides, certain boundaries should be made and "up front" kid questions for the get-go are a must.

Hear, hear.

And, you can't fault him for being stand offish about your kid..some people are like that and at least he's being honest.

Very true. If I didn't have my son, I wouldn't want to date anyone with kids, cause in my younger years, I didn't like kids, didn't know anything about them, and didn't want any.

 

[broken_one]

This is one of the few times where my age comes into play, but at my age it's pretty safe to say that most women my age who have children are usually a)immature and b)unstable. Imagine trying to become an adult while raising a child! That is almost a recipe for disaster if it isn't done right (and it rarely is).

That's why I avoid them like the plague. I love kids, and I love women, but I'm waaaaaaay too young to be a father, if I even want to be one in the first place.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

I don't get the whole dating multiple people thing. Duh, it should have occurred to him that if he goes out with multiple women and then decides to choose one, someone is going to get hurt. I'm put off by that whole deal so what I really want to tell you is to forget him, but that's just my opinion.