Single guys not interested in single moms.

[white dove]

Ouch to the last comment...but the rest I agree.....I think it is ideal for the kids to have both parents involved...I think the step-parent can become a parental figure-a role model-a great friend-they become that guy that the kids want to spend time with and do things with and they may feel even more respect then their other parent-it happens. BUT the guy/girl has to be willing to focus more on the marriage-support their partner in discipline and child rearing but NOT try to completely take over the parental role. JMO though.

Hmm.. this is really interesting. I've actually seen blended families where the step-children saw the step-father as their real father -- for whatever issue they may have had with their biological father or lack of a problem with him. Sometimes, I've seen them consider both fathers as actual fathers, too. Lol this is getting tricky!!!!

 

[white dove]

I can only speak from my experiences with friends that had stepparent. But it seems that the only person this might not work for is mom, many of whom seem to think that by force of will the new husband should view the step-children as his own, and the kids should accept the new guy as replacement dad. The hard reality is that your own children are always different than other people's. I certainly had friends that had good relationships with their stepparents, but I can't think of a single case where that good relationship wasn't predicated on the basis that the stepparent wasn't trying to take over a parental role.

Kids might go along with the replacement parent thing for awhile to keep the peace, but sooner or later you're going to have the big blow up. That's when the "you're not my mom/dad" is going to come out of the bag, and nobody's gonna be happy.

Really though, if you can't accept that basic reality that you cannot replace parents maybe your family would be best served for mom and/or dad to remain single.

I'm accepting your view of your assessment of your friend's situations, but I am also taking into consideration this never personally happened to you so as far as having a personal opinion or viewpoint, you just don't have it. Also, I hate to say it but... it really doesn't matter about biological vs. step-parent when it comes to teenage years. I had both parents in my life as a teenager (and throughout my entire life so far) and I still pulled that crap on them!

 

[white dove]

I'll PM ya

Thank you so much for sharing. (I've run out of pm space again; otherwise, I would've pm'd you )

 

[Inkachu]

Side-question: Is waiting a year too long or not long enough for them to meet up and start spending time together?

(Bear in mind that I'm talking about young children here, not teenagers or almost-adult kids)

Honestly, I don't think there's a problem with just having them meet briefly, like before you leave on your date, have them shake hands and say hello, and leave it at that.

After that, I think the interactions should be minimal, because a child shouldn't have to worry about adult affairs, especially adult romantic affairs. Some children - like my son - will fall in love with a man in no time at all, just because children are open, trusting, loving, friendly, etc. It's my job to protect my son's heart, and he doesn't need to be loving a man who may or may not be around tomorrow. Then he'll be dealing with feelings of confusion, hurt, and abandonment. And no, I'm not exaggerating. I made the honest mistake of allowing my three year old son to get very close to a man I was dating. We were very serious and were beginning to talk of marriage. To a child, that kind of atmosphere says "family", and they can't separate their emotions from logic which says "this is just mom's boyfriend, he might be gone someday, I won't get close to him". When that relationship ended, my son asked where my ex was...for MONTHS afterward. I will NEVER let that happen again.

Now, your question was asking "how long" you should wait to let your kids get close to someone. For me, unless we're engaged, it's not going to happen, whether that's after six months, a year, two years. There can be brief hello's, goodbye's, MAYBE brief hang-out times together, but no more. I will not risk my child's heart with my own complicated adult affairs. But once I have a promise that this is going to be my husband, and my son's father, that wall would come down.

That's just how I feel about it. I know others may agree or disagree, but I'm not going to argue about it.

 

[Inkachu]

It seemed to me that the worst situations existed where a stepparent was trying to be the replacement parent. The best existed where the step-parent was primarily concerned with his/her marriage and didn't over step his or her bounds with the step-children.

I don't agree with you often, but I completely agree with this one. If I marry, I am not going to force a relationship between my husband and my son. It can develop on its own, at its own pace.

 

[overit]

Although I do question what you brought up about your child not liking him. You did say to consider ages, so perhaps that comes into play. But, if my child did not like my significant other, I would imagine (again, depending on age) that some of that might have to do with him not wanting any man in my life. Children can get jealous sometimes. What do you think of that?

True-true. It depends on the age. It depens on their relationship with you and other male role models also. If you've ensured to have some good male role models aroudn their life (even friends/family) they will be more accepting of "men" around you. The other has to do with age and their relationship with you and how secure they feel really. An only child may be more reluctant to share a parent vs say mine who are being two close in age are very used to sharing between them.

Also-I think certain ages can be tougher on kids in relation to "allowing" another person around the parent-the older they are the harder I'm assuming.

My boys have seen me around guy friends-friends that have been around since they were born-also my brother, my dad, etc...so they're comfortable w/male role models. They also are very secure in the relationship with me-they don't feel neglected or jealous because I still give them tons of attention and they know they come first-they know they are a priority and feel secure in that. In turn they are happy to see ME happy again.

I'm in a much better mood, happier, less stressed, relaxed. The relationship we have is very laid back, affectionate and free of drama (for the most part-the rough patches we did have were never displayed in front of the kids) so the kids see I'm comfortable and safe with him-they see how we treat eachother and they are excited for us. Same goes for his daughter. THough I think she's struggling more (she does really like me) because she's the non-resident child-in other words she doesn't see her dad that often...so she probably knows he sees my boys during the week more then her. She's also an only child and has difficulty with sharing anything-period..her and my youngest clash a bit because of this.

I've noticed the "jealousy" thing also-but again I think it has to do with age-how used to being around other people they are (seeing you with guys and girls-other adult friends while with them), how much they have shared you with those friends or family....and how secure they feel in your love for them.

 

[white dove]

(Bear in mind that I'm talking about young children here, not teenagers or almost-adult kids)

Honestly, I don't think there's a problem with just having them meet briefly, like before you leave on your date, have them shake hands and say hello, and leave it at that.

After that, I think the interactions should be minimal, because a child shouldn't have to worry about adult affairs, especially adult romantic affairs. Some children - like my son - will fall in love with a man in no time at all, just because children are open, trusting, loving, friendly, etc. It's my job to protect my son's heart, and he doesn't need to be loving a man who may or may not be around tomorrow. Then he'll be dealing with feelings of confusion, hurt, and abandonment. And no, I'm not exaggerating. I made the honest mistake of allowing my three year old son to get very close to a man I was dating. We were very serious and were beginning to talk of marriage. To a child, that kind of atmosphere says "family", and they can't separate their emotions from logic which says "this is just mom's boyfriend, he might be gone someday, I won't get close to him". When that relationship ended, my son asked where my ex was...for MONTHS afterward. I will NEVER let that happen again.

Now, your question was asking "how long" you should wait to let your kids get close to someone. For me, unless we're engaged, it's not going to happen, whether that's after six months, a year, two years. There can be brief hello's, goodbye's, MAYBE brief hang-out times together, but no more. I will not risk my child's heart with my own complicated adult affairs. But once I have a promise that this is going to be my husband, and my son's father, that wall would come down.

That's just how I feel about it. I know others may agree or disagree, but I'm not going to argue about it.

Thank you for your response. I'll take both posts into consideration when I decide how to confront this in my own life, so thank you ladies.


I do have another question for you. Josh is at an age where you can discuss things with him and he can understand certain concepts pretty well. Do you think it's at all possible to talk to him a bit about dating relationships (in an overall brief manner) or would this never be an option (or just not an option right now due to his age)? I would hate for my child to have a bond with someone who was not going to be a permanent fixture in their life, but at the same time that can happen in other ways (at school, for example, when they may have a really nice teacher they "fall in love" with). Please know I'm just asking here and you know where I am as far as being a single mom goes, so in many ways I'm just fielding opinions and experiences.

 

[overit]

(To a child, that kind of atmosphere says "family", and they can't separate their emotions from logic which says "this is just mom's boyfriend, he might be gone someday, I won't get close to him". When that relationship ended, my son asked where my ex was...for MONTHS afterward. I will NEVER let that happen again.

Now, your question was asking "how long" you should wait to let your kids get close to someone. For me, unless we're engaged, it's not going to happen, whether that's after six months, a year, two years. There can be brief hello's, goodbye's, MAYBE brief hang-out times together, but no more. I will not risk my child's heart with my own complicated adult affairs. But once I have a promise that this is going to be my husband, and my son's father, that wall would come down.

That's just how I feel about it. I know others may agree or disagree, but I'm not going to argue about it.

Oh INk-I so understand where you're coming from-having the kids hurt like that is just hearbreaking....my only serious relationship asides from this one -we were talking marriage-and all our kids met-we all spent time together...so when the breakup came it WAS hard on them -and yes I also swore never again-BUT I also look at the bright side-had we gotten married and it ended in divorce the damage to my child would be a LOT more then it is now. I can't go through and marry someone just because our children are attached kwim?

I totally respect your decision-believe me. So I won't argue w/ ya! I guess I just feel for ME-its' still too late to wait till engagement -in other words-promised to marry if I can't see what their relationship will be like. I can't wait until I'm fully emotionally ready to marry a man just to find out it would be MISERABLE living as a blended family. Very short interactions don't allow for full view of how things would be under stresses. But that's coming from someone who doesn't even know if she wants to remarry! lol

See the thing for me is-it's very important to see and gauge his reactions with them as well as theirs with him. Moments when say-we're all making dinner-kids are hungry-kids are bickering-mom is yelling at kids...kids are spilling milk and fighting.....those tense moments....how is he reacting to it? How is he handling it? Is he staying out? Is he freaking out? Did he just get up and leave? did he join in the yelling? Etc.... It's CRUCIAl just for me and my boys that I can see the man interact with them and that he can handle stresses like that w/out losing it or having a bad reaction-they had so much of that from their dad....no way I will be w/someone who is high strung..and unless he's put IN that situation there's no way of me knowing how he'll react-and how they will react to his words-if he says anything.

Does he like to play with them-talk to them-do things or is he just not-interested too much...how involved of a role model/parental/friendly figure would he be? I just cant' know if I don't see them in different scenarios interacting. Honestly are next step is to travel w/all the kids to see how well we all cope-after all if you're going to be living in a blended family go in w/your eyes wide open to know if you can handle it.

YES-its' a risk to their hearts and yours-BUT again-and this is just for me and mine-I HOPE it lasts and their hearts aren't broken...sure- But I also won't jump into something blinded by what reactions could be...I also know if I did marry-and after years of trying to blend this family unsucessfully it ended in divorce....the pain to the kids would be much more then me breaking up with a bf...it'll hurt but not as devastating. It's a risk..absolutely.

 

[overit]

Thank you for your response. I'll take both posts into consideration when I decide how to confront this in my own life, so thank you ladies.


I do have another question for you. Josh is at an age where you can discuss things with him and he can understand certain concepts pretty well. Do you think it's at all possible to talk to him a bit about dating relationships (in an overall brief manner) or would this never be an option (or just not an option right now due to his age)? I would hate for my child to have a bond with someone who was not going to be a permanent fixture in their life, but at the same time that can happen in other ways (at school, for example, when they may have a really nice teacher they "fall in love" with). Please know I'm just asking here and you know where I am as far as being a single mom goes, so in many ways I'm just fielding opinions and experiences.

I'll let Ink answer but this is a good question-that's why I mentioned the importance IMO for kids of single parents to have opposite sex role models that are strictly friends of their parent in their life that they see either regular or on ocassion but can make a difference for them....also in how they can be accepting of opposite sex people with mom period.

 

[New_Found_Faith]

If a guy - or woman - is just hanging out, getting to know someone... they're not going to outright say that they're considering dating other people unless you're not even a consideration for them.

Disagree with this. He might just be insecure and emphasizing that he has other options so that he won't have to feel bad about getting rejected. If the OP rejects him, he doesn't have to be embarassed because he never even pursued her alone anyway.

 

[BRISH]

blind post

The thing that strikes me about this has nothing to do with you being a parent. It's that this guy is considering two people. It happens. I'm not one of these that say to talk to him about making a decision. I wouldn't even confront him with it. I would just take myself out of the picture. I don't get the whole "please pick me" thing. I don't.

They have their right to connect with whomever, and I have the right to not sit on the sidelines as if I would want someone who wasn't 100% into me ANYways. It's not even a spite thing. Personally, I just wouldn't "stay" in that situation and I'd decide it as soon as he mentioned the other person. It becomes HIS problem at that point. (her, for vice versa) If he for some reason decides he's interested in only you, believe me, he'll let it be known. Until then or till something else comes up, move on. Seriously. I say that with love.....don't put yourself at a level like that hun. There's going to be somebody who WON'T BE ABLE TO SEE ANYONE ELSE when they see YOU. ok? That's what you stick around for and check out. Not this other stuff.

And yeah, there are people out there who will have the kind of love and personality that will compliment your life, and they will see it as that. It does'nt make the other guys less of men. Everyone's just different.

 

[Inkachu]

Thank you for your response. I'll take both posts into consideration when I decide how to confront this in my own life, so thank you ladies.


I do have another question for you. Josh is at an age where you can discuss things with him and he can understand certain concepts pretty well. Do you think it's at all possible to talk to him a bit about dating relationships (in an overall brief manner) or would this never be an option (or just not an option right now due to his age)? I would hate for my child to have a bond with someone who was not going to be a permanent fixture in their life, but at the same time that can happen in other ways (at school, for example, when they may have a really nice teacher they "fall in love" with). Please know I'm just asking here and you know where I am as far as being a single mom goes, so in many ways I'm just fielding opinions and experiences.

Unless I were dating someone regularly, I wouldn't tell Josh about it. I went on a date last month and I told him I was going to spend time with a friend, and I told him the guy's name when he asked. He was fine with that and didn't have any other questions. And since I decided I wasn't interested in the guy, and we didn't see each other again, no harm done to my Joshy, no questions, no confusion. Now, if I had a boyfriend that I saw all the time, I'd tell him that I was going on dates.

Of course they're going to experience loss of relationships through life (someone dies, a friend moves away), but that doesn't negate my responsibility to protect him as much as I am able to.

Don't worry, you aren't going to offend me in any way with your questions Questions are good things!

 

[Inkachu]

Oh INk-I so understand where you're coming from-having the kids hurt like that is just hearbreaking....my only serious relationship asides from this one -we were talking marriage-and all our kids met-we all spent time together...so when the breakup came it WAS hard on them -and yes I also swore never again-BUT I also look at the bright side-had we gotten married and it ended in divorce the damage to my child would be a LOT more then it is now. I can't go through and marry someone just because our children are attached kwim?

I totally respect your decision-believe me. So I won't argue w/ ya! I guess I just feel for ME-its' still too late to wait till engagement -in other words-promised to marry if I can't see what their relationship will be like. I can't wait until I'm fully emotionally ready to marry a man just to find out it would be MISERABLE living as a blended family. Very short interactions don't allow for full view of how things would be under stresses. But that's coming from someone who doesn't even know if she wants to remarry! lol

See the thing for me is-it's very important to see and gauge his reactions with them as well as theirs with him. Moments when say-we're all making dinner-kids are hungry-kids are bickering-mom is yelling at kids...kids are spilling milk and fighting.....those tense moments....how is he reacting to it? How is he handling it? Is he staying out? Is he freaking out? Did he just get up and leave? did he join in the yelling? Etc.... It's CRUCIAl just for me and my boys that I can see the man interact with them and that he can handle stresses like that w/out losing it or having a bad reaction-they had so much of that from their dad....no way I will be w/someone who is high strung..and unless he's put IN that situation there's no way of me knowing how he'll react-and how they will react to his words-if he says anything.

Does he like to play with them-talk to them-do things or is he just not-interested too much...how involved of a role model/parental/friendly figure would he be? I just cant' know if I don't see them in different scenarios interacting. Honestly are next step is to travel w/all the kids to see how well we all cope-after all if you're going to be living in a blended family go in w/your eyes wide open to know if you can handle it.

YES-its' a risk to their hearts and yours-BUT again-and this is just for me and mine-I HOPE it lasts and their hearts aren't broken...sure- But I also won't jump into something blinded by what reactions could be...I also know if I did marry-and after years of trying to blend this family unsucessfully it ended in divorce....the pain to the kids would be much more then me breaking up with a bf...it'll hurt but not as devastating. It's a risk..absolutely.

I understand what you're saying, and I think you understand what I'm saying I think our biggest point of difference is that you'd rather have them interact earlier on in your relationship, and I'd rather wait until later, when I'm sure he's going to stick around (ie, engaged). I do think it's important to have him interact with Josh, of course, just not too much or too often or too intimately. Josh's heart is the one that needs protecting; not mine, and not the guy's.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I would say proceed with caution. At least I give him credit for being honest both about liking someone else at the same time, and for him being unsure whether he wants to date someone that already has a child.

When I met my husband I was 20 almost 21. He had just gotten separated and had 2 daughters that were 3 and 5. His wife had taken off with her truck driver boyfriend. At first my husband was dating other girls along with me (which I didn't care for of course) but then he started coming on real strong and even told me he loved me! And I had to do alot of praying and asking God and my mom what should I do because he already has kids. I didn't even want kids of my own at the time. He didn't want more kids. My mom told me to just remember one thing: "They are always going to be HIS kids". And I hung on that line alot over the years. Here we are all these years later, and my husband is gone, and so are the girls mother, so now I am all they have as a parent. I've never regretted it for one moment (even the tough ones). And I always parented from the perspective of not trying to take their mom's place. I told them that I didn't want to take their mom's place in their hearts. If I couldn't have my own place in their hearts so be it. And I always loved them as if they were my own.

 

[CoachR64]

I've dated women with children and I've dated women without children. I am open to dating women with children. I never did a lot of dating because I was never where I needed to be maturity wise and spiritually until recent months. Now that I am ready, I am actively putting myself into the dating scene and have been on several dates since right after Christmas.

I will say this, I am starting to prefer and lean towards women who are like me, never married and without children. If God's plan for me is a woman with children, that is fine too. But what I found for me, is I want to be with the one I love and married for at least a year or so before I have children. I want to be able to enjoy our time together, travel, etc... before we bring kids into the world. And yes, I am well aware things happen and that timing may not be perfect either even with someone who doesn't already have children.

So, even though I prefer girls without, I am more than open to girls with kids. What I am NOT open to is dating a woman who has a very psychotic relationship with the father of the children. Especially when they have a victim mentality and almost base part of their identity in that craziness.

Coach

 

[ProAntiRevolution]

Ouch to the last comment...but the rest I agree.....I think it is ideal for the kids to have both parents involved...I think the step-parent can become a parental figure-a role model-a great friend-they become that guy that the kids want to spend time with and do things with and they may feel even more respect then their other parent-it happens. BUT the guy/girl has to be willing to focus more on the marriage-support their partner in discipline and child rearing but NOT try to completely take over the parental role. JMO though.

I'm not trying to step on toe, but when it comes down to it when a parent chooses to resume adult relationships it's a choice to bring changes into the child(ren)'s lives whether they want it or not. I don't believe what children want should rule their parents' lives, but children are "hostages to fortune" as it were. Granted my mother is a cardiologist, so there was no finanical complusion to remarry and her career occupied a lot of time and gave a lot of personal fulfillment. Not everyone is in that boat. But I remain thankful I was never in that situation.

Most of us will end up with several figures during the course of our lives that take a parental figure role. It's great when that happens, and that doesn't displace our real parents at all. The problem with the whole "if we're going to have a relationship you have to think of my kids just like they were yours" is:

1.It's unrealistic: your own flesh and blood is always different than someone elses. These biological attachments are a deep seated part of the human pysche that predate history itself.
2.Can be seen by the children as an attempt to replace their real parent, and will probably be rejected.

So I'm just saying recongize your new adult relationship as being your relationship. Yes, it's going to effect the children, but there's no need to force any degree of relationship on them they don't want beyond the general respect they should have for all people. If something deeper develops on its own, then great. If not, well it's a handy lesson that in life sometimes we have to deal with situations and people we may not like. But you can't grab the kids and say "hey, I'm marrying this guy and he's your new dad" and really believe they're going to just go with it. I'd even say trying that approach ensures failure because it inspires the kids to defy you for the sake of it.

 

[ProAntiRevolution]

I'm accepting your view of your assessment of your friend's situations, but I am also taking into consideration this never personally happened to you so as far as having a personal opinion or viewpoint, you just don't have it. Also, I hate to say it but... it really doesn't matter about biological vs. step-parent when it comes to teenage years. I had both parents in my life as a teenager (and throughout my entire life so far) and I still pulled that crap on them!

I've never gotten shot either, but I think I can use logic to figure out that I wouldn't like it. I'd tend to think personal experience might cloud your judgement one way or the other, not having it left me in a position to look at things more objectively.
No one said teenagers weren't going to behave like teenagers, doesn't really have anything to do with the topic. However, even in the teenage years there was far less drama when stepparents took a hands off approach and let the parents doing the parenting than when over reaching stepparents tired to assume parental roles.

 

[truthinmyheart]

First off, hes playing games. Its sounds as though he likes you, but is too scared of having a serious relarionship because of the future responsibility(your daughter) involved. In other words, he's a coward. He trying not to hurt your feelings by entertaining the idea that he may pursue a relationship which is why you still hear from him. But chances are you're in for serious dissapointment. If its going no where, get out now. The more emotional intimacy you give now, the higher risk of physical intimacy later. Stop toeing the line and go find a real man who can be the godly husband that you deserve.

Honestly, I think there's more of an equal playing field if a single mother aims for a guy who's also a single parent. There's a better chance of bonding because of similar issues you may face being a single parent. Also, you can observe how he is with his children and determine if he'd make a suitable father figure. You want a man who can not only be a good husband, but a good father. Of course no one knows what the lord has in store. Your future husband may not have any children, but it doesn't hurt to expand your horizons.

I would be especially careful. Single men dont wants single moms? For some men in the church, pursuing personal qualities(intelligent, confident, attractive, funny, never married, degree, etc) is more important than seeking godly qualities(patient, kind, loving, joyful,self-control, gentleness, faithfulness). Unfortunately some men have the mentality that single mothers are 'damaged goods', and would rather pursue a woman who doesn't carry any 'baggage'. These are not men whom display the fruits of the spirit, IMO. Single mother or not, you are god's child and he has the best for you like all his children. Don't settle for any clowns.

Im going through a similar situation, which I'll explain later.

 

[white dove]

Unless I were dating someone regularly, I wouldn't tell Josh about it. I went on a date last month and I told him I was going to spend time with a friend, and I told him the guy's name when he asked. He was fine with that and didn't have any other questions. And since I decided I wasn't interested in the guy, and we didn't see each other again, no harm done to my Joshy, no questions, no confusion. Now, if I had a boyfriend that I saw all the time, I'd tell him that I was going on dates.

Of course they're going to experience loss of relationships through life (someone dies, a friend moves away), but that doesn't negate my responsibility to protect him as much as I am able to.

Don't worry, you aren't going to offend me in any way with your questions Questions are good things!

Blah, I almost forgot to come back to this thread! Okay... thank you for responding. It's really helping me to get both of your opinions on these things (it's why I find myself involved with single mom messageboards because it helps to hear from women who are or who have been there). Also, it's helpful to hear from men who've been there, too. That does make sense though and I see where you're coming from. Truthfully, I'm with both of you on this. I think you both offer really good insights as to why you approach dating as you do.

 

[Radiator309]

It seems like every one here has already given you great advice, so I just going to point out something else. While explaining your situation, you mentioned he was 2 years younger. So far so good. But at the end of emphasized the age difference again by saying "This is so confusing and devastating to me that so many men are not willing to date a single mom. I get it, I do, I'm not stupid. And of course this one is younger than me anyway."

So my advice is, if you're not 100% secure dating a younger guy, then don't.