Single And Liking (?) It

[bèlla]

I hope many singles read this! Some people don't see the long term impacts of their current choices. They're so independent now that they barely think about what will likely happen down the road. Humans were never meant to live alone.

I took a nursing class a few years ago and saw the truth firsthand. And volunteered at the hospital during my teens. I worked with cancer patients and brought reading material to patients once per week. I had an opportunity to see them all and converse.

Many were alone or had few visitors. The more serious the condition the greater the likelihood of absence. Illness takes a toll on relationships. Some grow tired or feel overwhelmed by their circumstances.

The family unit wasn’t immediate family. It was multi-generational. The work was less oppressive because aid was plentiful. Few are close with extended relations. That places the bulk in their lap.

And yes you're so right about the caretaker thing. Not wanting children or getting married is perfectly fine but at least get a partner. Your relatives and close friends will think about themselves first.

My grandmother said something I never forgot that bears repeating. She said anything my aunts did for me was out of the love they had for my mother. It was a jarring remark. But I understood the meaning as I got older.

While I love my nieces and nephews. The love I have for my siblings is greater. That compels me to do, give, etc. because of them. They may be undeserving but they’re my sister’s children. We came from the same rib. That’s powerful.

My grandparents embodied that principle. Their reach was long and inclusive. There were no holiday connections or visits. They related with their loved ones throughout the year. That’s how they were raised. When problems arose they pulled together and shared the load.

It takes more than one to thrive. Many are caught up in the spouse and forgetting the rest. You’re supposed to be a village. You should have several people you can turn to when in need and know they’ll respond. If you don’t that has to change.

 

[Niels]

I hear you. Singleness is often better than the alternative. Especially these days. if a significant other treated me badly like you're describing, she'd quickly find herself single. If we weren't even dating yet? I wouldn't give her the time of day. How some people put up with abusive, disrespectful, behavior I'll never know.

At the risk of sounding trite, just be unapologetically yourself. Not Trump, The Rock, or anybody else for that matter. It sounds like you've found some wisdom. If you don't like your other life circumstances, then change them for yourself (rather than for a woman). If you do like things the way they are, then keep it that way and ignore the naysayers.

 

[DragonFox91]

I have never dated & hate being single. I want to be in a relationship so bad! But I do get nervous about losing my free time. Not gonna lie, it’s nice living alone & being responsible only for myself when I’m home.


Also, the Me Too movement didn’t come out of nowhere. It’s been there as long as I’ve wanted a relationship in middle school. The #MeToo thing was completely political.


Also, no, no one will tell you ‘just meet one at church.’ All of us single men have tried that & get nothing in regards to single women at church.

Also also, I'd tell you to make at least $40K & develop non-nerdy hobbies but that hasn't helped me any.

 

[linux.poet]

*sits back in lounge chair and puts on epic nerd sunglasses* Unfortunately, my man topic starter, I'm about 25 years too young for your greatness. I hope you find someone who is your age and is willing to take care of you. Sorry about that.

I am perfectly content being single and so I feel fortunate not having to navigate the current dating scene, whatever that is.

I will say, more often than not, all the relationships I have been in happened in unexpected moments and circumstances.

as if I was some sort of bug zapper attracting the unstable.

My war story is that I keep suffering from romantic attractions to absolutely the wrong people - a 30 year-old highly insecure abuser with no self-awareness, a 50-year-old man, and an 18-year-old kid. All of those situations were absolutely terrifying, and I was able to navigate them with God's guidance and power, but it was unnerving to experience. Basically, I've concluded that my romantic attractions aren't going to go away and that I need to feed that system with some healthy people that are of actual marrying age for me instead of suppressing that system and pretending like it doesn't exist.

Since I'm an ace, it doesn't matter if the attraction leads to marriage as much as the attraction is just allowed to exist without posing a danger to both parties or being utterly creepy. I'm willing to accept a marriage in this case if the other party wants a physical relationship, but I don't feel any pressure, and I've never felt the need to date. Still, while I've never wanted a relationship, I may not have the gift of singleness after all and this has been an ugly ministry distraction.

You need a hedge. Don’t squander your time in fruitless pursuits and connections. Build things that last you can depend on when required.

I hope many singles read this! Some people don't see the long term impacts of their current choices. They're so independent now that they barely think about what will likely happen down the road. Humans were never meant to live alone.

I appreciate the time you two have put in to discuss the nursing-home and senior care angle - that's something that never seems to come up in the single vs. married discussion. The problem is "fruitless pursuits and connections" are part of how you find your future spouse in the first place. I suppose a single human could go through church after church in pursuit of the One, but even if you find them that way, you have to have something to do together. Ordinary friendships are based on shared interests, that's definitely a thing, and if you have no interests, you're not going to be able to build a relationship.

I think young people should spend time exploring new interests, meeting new people, and even traveling around the world to make their lives more interesting. That will expose them to more people and assist with finding a strong enough connection that a sexual relationship can be built on.

But if you just don't want a sexual relationship, may I point out 1 Corinthians 7:32-35:

32 But I want you to be free from concern. One who is unmarried is concerned about the things of the Lord, how he may please the Lord; 33 but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how he may please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. The woman who is unmarried, and the virgin, is concerned about the things of the Lord, that she may be holy both in body and spirit; but one who is married is concerned about the things of the world, how she may please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to put a restraint on you, but to promote what is appropriate and to secure undistracted devotion to the Lord.

So if marriage is out, God is in. I read a story about a ministry team of two single women (widow and lifelong single), the one of whom died on the mission field, in John Piper's Don't Waste Your Life. That woman didn't need nursing home care, heh. I also think if she did, her friend would have taken care of her.

So a good relationship doesn't have to be about marriage, it needs to be about God. The church will pull through on behalf of its own, especially those who have served her well and advanced the cause of the Gospel. And spending time doing that is infinitely more valuable than spending it having kids.

Matthew 6:32-34

32 For the Gentiles eagerly seek all these things; for your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. 33 But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be provided to you.

34 “So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

And God takes care of his own, too. Precious in his eyes are the death of his saints. But I digress.

 

[bèlla]

I have never accomplished anything of merit through fruitless pursuits. Whether is was purposeful or personal. Intention was the tipping point.

 

[linux.poet]

I have never accomplished anything of merit through fruitless pursuits. Whether is was purposeful or personal. Intention was the tipping point.

What would you consider a fruitless pursuit? Let's say I'm into competitive chess and I am able to earn my living at it and make the title of Grandmaster. Would you consider that fruitless?

I would, because it produces no spiritual fruit for eternity. However, if I end up playing a game against my future husband in a tournament, it still could lead to our marriage. You seem to be confusing worldly and spiritual objectives. A husband is a worldly objective, as defined by 1 Corinthians 7, and he is obtained and retained by worldly means.

Not all worldly objectives are sinful - a house, car, and employment are worldly objectives, and Christians need to have those for the maintenance of our fallen bodies so that we do not steal to obtain them and thus fall into sin. A marriage is the same way - maintenance for the body's desires and wants so that we do not fall into sinful means of having them.

 

[Cormack]

So how can I attempt to find anybody when I am clearly Not What Women Want (including making less than $40 k/year)? Why even bother? Pardon me for venting, here--I don't normally talk about this, so I do have a lot on my mind about this subject.

After watching the Tinder Swindle I’ve noticed something about many modern women, they can “fall in love” with a man’s wealth, status and lifestyle accessories without ever saying a word about the man himself.

These women were seduced by Borat and spoke like he was Prince Charming. “Bay bee, eye love u.” And these ladies were swooning, it’s an incredible story about out of control materialistic relationship standards.

You hear these words of adoration and realise they’ve said nothing about this man being witty, smart, of good humour, rather they’re blown away by jet planes and parties.

If you’re “nobody’s type,” but you’re being yourself, the real question is would you be happy self censoring and acting as though you were someone else so as to be their type.

Is that a sacrifice you’re prepared to make? Probably not because you defend the nerd capital with such vigour, not willing to sacrifice your ways for anyone. That’s no bad thing either, it’s part of your joy. Why reject a culture that brings you joy to play act as someone you’re not, that’s no plan.

Lots of married men push who they are way way down into “the man cave,” because they’ve got nowhere else to live. In my opinion it’s better for men to know who they are, and if who they are is a bachelor, I think that’s terrific!

Some women have thousands of matches dating online, and the one they pick out from the bunch is an actual fiction. Modern women in many cases have rejected flesh and blood men for the chance at meeting their ideal, an ideal that never shows up.

My honest to goodness advice is to listen to some Kevin Samuels on YouTube. Listen to some of his conversations/debates with many of these self seeking, deluded women in your age range and thank God you’re not their type.

 

[DragonFox91]

What is the Tinder Swindle?

 

[Cormack]

Pardon me the tinder swindler* It’s about a short, unappealing man who pretended to be “the prince of diamonds,” and tricked loads of women into giving him money.

In essence he was a really good version of “I’m a Nigerian prince, send me some money to unlock all my riches!” The big difference is that the women who were swindled have the brass sacks to tell the world it was true love.

 

[timothyu]

Females like sales but would rather long for what they cannot afford. Men on the other hand are more into a good quality powertool, someone useful.

 

[Niels]

The following video reminded me of this thread. Number 4 and 7 address what I was getting at with my previous comment. The other points are also good to keep in mind.

Ever since I was a little kid, I've wondered who I might grow old with, and what kind of woman she will be. Assuming that I ever marry, of course. Who she is at heart and what she's like matters immensely to me. Not in terms of chasing perfection (nobody's perfect), but having good chemistry, similar values, etc. Unfortunately, people can be so fixated on ending their singleness, that they excuse all kinds of mistreatment. Doing so typically ends in misery, rather than mutual love and support.

 

[bèlla]

What would you consider a fruitless pursuit?

You seem to be confusing worldly and spiritual objectives.

How can you ask a question then suggest in the next breath my perspective is flawed when it wasn’t defined?

 

[timothyu]

Most people used to stop mutating around age thirty and settle in to who they would be for the rest of their life. Of course that may be much older now with youth being so immersed in themselves thanks to a world pushing adolescent thinking, it will take longer to mature. But what we see is often not what we will get and what we get may not be what we need. There is a difference between socializing partnerships and a life partnership. You know... the ones who are always out and about and order food in vs those that know how to build something from scratch. How many would stick together when the going gets tough? More often than not one will seek better pastures for themselves having been taught by a disposable mentality society. Gone is the pioneering spirit.

Like the old saying goes...the weakest one loves the most.

 

[linux.poet]

How can you ask a question then suggest in the next breath my perspective is flawed when it wasn’t defined?

Because I'm telling you how your perspective seems to me to explain the reason why I am asking you for clarification. I am giving you the opportunity to correct my flawed human intuition fully and completely.

 

[bèlla]

Because I'm telling you how your perspective seems to me to explain the reason why I am asking you for clarification. I am giving you the opportunity to correct my flawed human intuition fully and completely.

The principle behind my response was building relationships. I reiterated it more than once. There’s nothing to clarify. The inference is yours.

 

[linux.poet]

The principle behind my response was building relationships. I reiterated it more than once. There’s nothing to clarify. The inference is yours.

So a fruitless pursuit is one that doesn't build a relationship, in your view?

If so, I apologize, for I confused worldly and spiritual objectives on the level of language in an odd parallel to a common confusion I have seen that makes marriage a spiritual objective and projected the whole thing onto you. My mistake.

 

[bèlla]

So a fruitless pursuit is one that doesn't build a relationship, in your view?

I didn’t define it intentionally. You need the Lord’s input and a measure of understanding of how it applies to you. What is fruitful or fruitless for me from God’s perspective? The answer will be two-fold. General principles that apply to all and specifics that reference your circumstances.

All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.

 

[linux.poet]

I didn’t define it intentionally. You need the Lord’s input and a measure of understanding of how it applies to you. What is fruitful or fruitless for me from God’s perspective? The answer will be two-fold. General principles that apply to all and specifics that reference your circumstances.

All things are lawful,” but not all things are helpful. “All things are lawful,” but not all things build up.

Fruit and fruitfulness has a strict biblical context and is clearly defined as to what it is.

John 15:1-8,16
“I am the true vine, and My Father is the vinedresser. 2 Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit, He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit, He prunes it so that it may bear more fruit. 3 You are already clean because of the word which I have spoken to you. 4 Remain in Me, and I in you. Just as the branch cannot bear fruit of itself but must remain in the vine, so neither can you unless you remain in Me. 5 I am the vine, you are the branches; the one who remains in Me, and I in him bears much fruit, for apart from Me you can do nothing. 6 If anyone does not remain in Me, he is thrown away like a branch and dries up; and they gather them and throw them into the fire, and they are burned. 7 If you remain in Me, and My words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. 8 My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples.


16 You did not choose Me but I chose you, and appointed you that you would go and bear fruit, and that your fruit would remain, so that whatever you ask of the Father in My name He may give to you.

Galatians 5:22-23
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law.

Therefore, a fruitless pursuit is defined as one that does not necessarily glorify God or cultivate the fruits of the Spirit in Galatians - it's disconnected from Christ's work of redemption. Unbelievers raise families and play chess all the time. If a Christian raises a family, trains their children up properly and evangelizes them, this Christian will cultivate many fruits of the Spirit along the way and brought eternal souls to God's kingdom. But the fruit is not the family, it's the fruit of the Spirit the trials of raising that family brought out and their witness to their kids and the rest of the world that their family is different.

Likewise, a Christian chess player might cultivate patience while waiting for their opponent to move and show respect for their opponents, leading unbelievers to ask how they are different. But the fruit is not the chess itself, it is the witness they are leading.

Witnessing to unbelievers and contributing to the sanctification process of yourself and others are the only true fruitful pursuits. The Biblical text is clear on this, and fruitfulness is not really a relative term.

 

[ozso]

Now that I'm 60 looking back, I have no regrets in having been single my whole life. (Although it should probably be noted that autism probably played a big part in my perpetually single status). However I realize it would probably be best if I had a helpmate for when I really start getting old. But I figure if that's God's will in my life, that will happen. But for now it doesn't seem marriage is right for me.

 

[timewerx]

What about old age? Who will care for you when you’re unable to or attend to your affairs?

Hopefully, these will be cheap by 2042