Should I Tell my Husband about my "Emotional Affair"?

I pray the OP will get the wisdom she needs, I am sorry she find herself in this place, but she needs to be completely truthful with herself. Also advice will only be as good as she is honest - if a forum is not the place or seems too risky to open up - then it might be best to speak to a qualified pastoral counsellor.

Too many people live according to the truth of their feelings only - that's not what I mean by being truthful with oneself - Truth is something we are supposed to bring our lives into accordance with only then will feelings follow.

We were never supposed to be the centre of our own universe, neither is someone else with feet of clay. Jesus Christ is to be the centre, and God's Glory the chief end. May He have mercy on us for being so slow to understand.

LaBèlla said:

I’m sorry you lacked wise counsel through all of this. The suggestion to speak to someone should be taken. And I concur that a woman should be your confidante.

It sounds like he’s familiar and a part of you felt obligated to move forward. In spite of the infatuations. It is possible to care for someone and want the best for them while recognizing your inability to be the best for one another.

You settled and the attachments are your way of coping with the things you lack. But its progressive and will inevitably lead to physical encounters down the road.

I would desist in taking the reins and reevaluate my ideas of submission in light of your husband’s character and where he is today. True submission isn’t founded on our perception of its meaning but our willingness to respect and honor the other person out of deference to their position and the union blessed by God.

Only the Lord can shape a man. You can be his advocate and offer your prayers and support but you cannot define it for him. In the course of focusing on what he lacks you’ve forsaken the fruits of your station.

It is easy to yield when we’re getting what we want. It is easy to follow when you’re getting your way. It is hard to serve an imperfect man and view him as a gift from God.

That’s surrender not comfort.

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Very sound advice.

It is with these situations that relationships turn me off...

Girl4God86 said:

Hi everyone I need some advice. Last October I had an online affair with another man, it was before I got married and I was engaged. I ended the affair and was considering telling my then fiance but I asked some friends for advice and they encouraged me not to tell since it was a couple months before the wedding and I didn't have a physical affair. But I feel God has laid it on my heart to come clean but I'm scared to tell my husband. What do I do??

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I’m not sure what sins you committed but I don’t have to know or be sure. You have undoubtedly confessed. Please consider the following;
As aforementioned, I have no need to know but trust me, God already knows. You have sins that perhaps you have forgotten and sins you may not have faced. In your day, you will answer accordingly. My guess is that you have some other sin that your fiancé is unaware of. A direct question from him deserves a direct and fully honest reply. I don’t see your future husband asking you anything about an emotional affair. Prayer and fasting should give you a better and more direct answer.

When I confessed my unfaithfulness to my wife I did so becaue I felt a prompting from the Lord. It struck me out of nowhere and I about hit the floor. I opened my bible app and the verse of the day was 1 John 1:9 "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness." I looked for every reason not to confess. Prayed that God show me that it was best to shut up. I tried to believe that it was my guilt to bear for the rest of my life. But after a couple of days, the pressing did not go away. I knew that what I had done could come to light. I knew that if my wife found out from someone other than myself it would hurt her even more deeply. I also knew that if my wife remained unaware of my sexual sin (multiple 'levels') it would continue to grow and become worse. Sin thrives in darkness. The Lord is able to work in the light. We MUST shed light on our sin. Even if it means risking it all. We must repent from sin. Hiding sin breeds more sin. It breeds dishonesty.

You have a difficult decision to make. One that no one can make for you. I don't agree with people making you feel bad for desiring to confess. It won't relieve the burden of guilt. I live with it everyday. It does, however, provide an avenue for Christ to move in your life. In your relationship with Him and your spouse. Unfortunately, both you and your spouse have to desire to rebuild trust and not just give up. Life is messy. We are sinful beings. Satan deceives and thrives in secrets and shadows; in the slow fade as you make one small compromise after the next.

I pray the Holy Spirit convicts and disciplines you into following His will. Whatever that may be.

LaBèlla said:

I’m sorry you lacked wise counsel through all of this. The suggestion to speak to someone should be taken. And I concur that a woman should be your confidante.

It sounds like he’s familiar and a part of you felt obligated to move forward. In spite of the infatuations. It is possible to care for someone and want the best for them while recognizing your inability to be the best for one another.

You settled and the attachments are your way of coping with the things you lack. But its progressive and will inevitably lead to physical encounters down the road.

I would desist in taking the reins and reevaluate my ideas of submission in light of your husband’s character and where he is today. True submission isn’t founded on our perception of its meaning but our willingness to respect and honor the other person out of deference to their position and the union blessed by God.

Only the Lord can shape a man. You can be his advocate and offer your prayers and support but you cannot define it for him. In the course of focusing on what he lacks you’ve forsaken the fruits of your station.

It is easy to yield when we’re getting what we want. It is easy to follow when you’re getting your way. It is hard to serve an imperfect man and view him as a gift from God.

That’s surrender not comfort.

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Dear OP, please heed the advice above from LaBella. This is true wisdom and you must listen.

Please ignore the stone throwers. But remember what our Lord said, "Go and sin no more." John 8:1-12.

I used to commit both emotional infidelities and sadly physical infidelities too. I wish with every ounce of my being I could go back to myself at the beginning of the marriage and say (actually scream) what I know now.

1. GET AWAY FROM THAT GUY. Your boss, if that's the current attraction. Run for the hills and don't look back. I don't care about your electric bill or your grocery list. Forget your resume. This is your soul. Read Matthew 5:27-30. If Jesus said to pluck out your right eye and cut off your right arm, then I think He would tell you to quit your job.

2. TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND. This will require a quiet, gentle spirit and great discernment from the Lord.

I will be blunt with you sister... you don't yet have a quiet, gentle spirit. How do I know this? If you did, you wouldn't feel compelled to lead for your husband. I made the same mistake and wore the pants for years. It stifled his manhood and stressed me beyond belief. We might have to fix the cars, pay the bills, and take responsibility for all the guy stuff. But we're not the guy, period. Check out 1 Peter 3:1-6

In the meantime, you have the discernment of the Lord, praise Jesus. You're reaching out frantically sister and that is amazing. I wish I had that when I was going through my period of obstinacy. Personally, I was crippled from childhood abuse and had misleading spiritual influences that I didn't recognize at the time. It took many years of grappling with God and myself to finally have peace. My husband decided to stay with me, but I dragged him through hellish places. If only I had known...

You must always turn toward each other during times of conflict and turmoil. Right now, you have an entire empire in your head that your husband doesn't even know about. You gotta strike it down, and just abandon it completely forever. You know what it looks like to bear your cross. Likely there's something you're avoiding, I don't know what. The Lord will deal with you if you let Him. And while He's perfecting that spirit of meekness and gentleness in you, His grace will be enough.

Trust in His grace. Don't be so afraid for your marriage that you stifle love itself, the essence of which is selflessness, truthfulness... 1 Corinthians 13.

While the Holy Spirit renews your mind as you bathe in His Word, your spirit will transform and sexual temptation will become disgusting to you. It's not something you can just shake off. It's a work of the Spirit. To learn more about holiness and how much it means to God, read Isaiah. Start with Isaiah 1 and read through Isaiah 66.

And lastly, but very importantly. Read 1 Corinthians 7. Make sure you have plenty of fun, intimate time with your man as you work on repairing and maintaining your marriage. This is important to form a deeper connection, to quell your burning desire, and to validate his manhood.

Girl4God86 said:

I became interested in someone else again and I feel exhausted going through this. I've been praying to God for months to help me but my feelings for someone else that's not my husband have only gotten stronger and I don't want to have an affair. But last night the thought occurred to me I can't keep doing this. And I felt like God reminded me of the online affair when I was engaged. And I felt convicted to confess my sin to my husband. Because I know if it were the other way around I'd want to know of any infidelity.

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Ok, I see. Then I suggest you consult a pastor or a Christian counselor before you make a decision. You need guidance and support whether you decide to tell your husband or not.

Girl4God86 said:

Even if I wanted to I wouldn't be able to cause he is married as well with a family and I would never want to be a homewrecker. I have feelings for him but I refuse to pursue a married man and hurt his family. The idea of that makes me feel sick in my stomach.

But because I have developed feelings for someone else again now I feel like God is telling me this is a reoccurring problem I need to address

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Do you have a strong support system of Christian women? If not, work on that ASAP. When you need emotional support, you go to your sisters in Christ, not some strange married man. God gave you the blessing of Christian sisterhood through the church--don't neglect it.

Girl4God86 said:

I think it's a wanting more issue. I've always wanted him to be more driven about life, to be a stronger man in his convictions, to be more ambitious, to be more Godly. Not to be coasting along and just following what I do. I've always felt like I have to be the primary decision maker, I'm the one who sets the pace for everything, I wear the pants in the relationship. Like I have to take on lots of the man's role. I feel like he doesn't know his own identity and goes along with whatever I'm doing. Instead of me submitting it's the other way around. I don't get to be the submissive one, I have to be the instigator about everything.

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Read Lies that Women Believe by Nancy DeMoss. If you have read it before, maybe it's time to read it again.

When your husband starts having emotional affairs with other women, after each time one is done......would you like to be told about it? If so, tell him......If not, don't.

Girl4God86 said:

Hi everyone I need some advice. Last October I had an online affair with another man, it was before I got married and I was engaged. I ended the affair and was considering telling my then fiance but I asked some friends for advice and they encouraged me not to tell since it was a couple months before the wedding and I didn't have a physical affair. But I feel God has laid it on my heart to come clean but I'm scared to tell my husband. What do I do??

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If you repented, there's nothing worth mentioning. Build your husband's trust, don't destroy it.

Girl4God86 said:

Hi everyone I need some advice. Last October I had an online affair with another man, it was before I got married and I was engaged. I ended the affair and was considering telling my then fiance but I asked some friends for advice and they encouraged me not to tell since it was a couple months before the wedding and I didn't have a physical affair. But I feel God has laid it on my heart to come clean but I'm scared to tell my husband. What do I do??

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You're friends are right. You shouldn't bring it up. It would come across as you still having the affair. Like "why are you telling me this, is there a problem here?"

Girl4God86 said:

No not really I have been with him for over 7 years but we finally got married. We lived together most of that time unmarried. I felt like it was obedience to God for us to get married. Parts of me do love him very much but because I keep becoming infatuated with other men I feel like that must mean I don't love him completely as a wife should. This on and off infatuation with other men has been going on for probably close to 5 years. It manifested into the online affair last year. Now I feel like it's reached its peak with this new infatuation and I can't stand going through this anymore cause everytime I do it's very painful

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I don't think marriage is for you. you're one of the many people who go into marriage for every other reason than it being what you wanted to do. what you actually want to do is play the field. you're not a one man woman. while you marrying the guy you have been shacked up with for some 7 years was the right thing to do from a biblical standpoint, the problem is you're not cut out for the institution of marriage...period.

we humans being sexual beings causes us to trifle in relationships we're simply not emotionally mature enough to handle and involve ourselves with people who are bad for us. it is what it is.

Girl4God86 said:

I think it's a wanting more issue. I've always wanted him to be more driven about life, to be a stronger man in his convictions, to be more ambitious, to be more Godly. Not to be coasting along and just following what I do. I've always felt like I have to be the primary decision maker, I'm the one who sets the pace for everything, I wear the pants in the relationship. Like I have to take on lots of the man's role. I feel like he doesn't know his own identity and goes along with whatever I'm doing. Instead of me submitting it's the other way around. I don't get to be the submissive one, I have to be the instigator about everything.

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...same for your husband. he isn't ready either. was he all these things you said he needs to be when you were shacked up with him and then changed once you married? seems like you saw marriage as the panacea cure for your problems. it never works that way.

I think prayer is the best thing for you certainly. you need to pray for the emotional maturity to do this marriage thing. you need it badly. definitely get some fellow female counselling of some sort. let them know that you are in over your head with this marriage thing and you can use whatever advice they can give you. all the best for you and your marriage.

Being sexual beings is the exact reason for marriage. Spiritual adultery is what is being avoided by getting married. To then go onto physical adultery is a problem with loyalty/faithfulness. How is that seen in relationship to God in your life? That would be a good place to start, in fact the only way, since your asking on a Christian forum.

Becoming interested in someone else AGAIN I think is where things change. There are degrees of "affairs"--I think most married people have felt wrong things at some point. God can be gracious, and you don't have to tell your spouse. BUT--you have to not repeat the behavior. This has risen above that point, though. Stronger measures become necessary. You need to either step up and seek Christian counsel and zero in on the root cause, or God will step in, and that may very likely result in your spouse figuring it out. God is looking out after him, too--not just you.

Girl4God86 said:

My boss

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If you are dissatisfied with your husband and turn to your boss, you will be disappointed again, because:

"Familiarity breeds contempt"

If you get involved with this man, you will eventually become familiar with his flaws and would want to turn to someone else again.

And you are not perfect either. None of us are. Perhaps there are some things your husband doesn't like about you, but he is bearing with you and remaining faithful to you. I think the least you could do for him is reciprocate.

For those saying that she should not tell, would you also want to be kept in the dark if your spouses were cheating on you?

I think he deserves to know and deserves a chance to decide if he wants a faithful wife or to stay with the one he has....

RaymondG said:

For those saying that she should not tell, would you also want to be kept in the dark if your spouses were cheating on you?

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I don’t agree with deception and would have a serious issue with my partner if he manipulated me this way. From my perspective, the deception removes my right to consider the wedding in light of his failings. If this happened to me I wouldn’t go forward.

LaBèlla said:

I don’t agree with deception and would have a serious issue with my partner if he manipulated me this way. From my perspective, the deception removes my right to consider the wedding in light of his failings. If this happened to me I wouldn’t go forward.

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I had not thought of it this way until you mentioned it, but that makes perfect sense.

He signed the marriage contract (i.e. took vows) under a false impression (that she is faithful) and lacking essential information (about her issues). When things like this happen in any other contract--whether it is a lease or a job--we call it a scam.

I am changing my position now that she should address this with her husband. I just hope that she finds the right timing, setting, and the support system to accomplish this.

Thank you for your keen insight.

Girl4God86 said:

Hi everyone I need some advice. Last October I had an online affair with another man, it was before I got married and I was engaged. I ended the affair and was considering telling my then fiance but I asked some friends for advice and they encouraged me not to tell since it was a couple months before the wedding and I didn't have a physical affair. But I feel God has laid it on my heart to come clean but I'm scared to tell my husband. What do I do??

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Confess the sin to your father confessor in the Sacrament of Holy Confession. Then forget about it (it's no more) and follow Christ. It's harmful and dangerous to dwell on past sins, and very important to look only to Christ for what we need.