Self-Sabotage

[madison1101]

I had a weird weekend and I talked about it in group tonight. I went to a workshop given my the AA Intergroup here, and it was old-timers sharing what AA was like when they came in, 30-40 years ago. One of the guys sharing was a drinking buddy of my father, when Dad was alive, prior to this guy getting sober.

When I got home, I wanted to stay up late, and did not take my Risperdal at the right dose, as I also wanted to get up early for an AA meeting at 7:00 a.m. I was off my rocker most of the day Sunday, and ready for a melt-down. At group tonight, I shared about it and asked why do I self-sabotage so much? My counselor told me that I am addicted to chaos, and I am uncomfortable with the peace and serenity I have been experiencing. He also suggested that I probably miss my Dad, and seeing that old-timer stirred some of that stuff as well. Dad has been dead for 32 years.

Does anyone else relate to self-sabotage?

 

[amaggart]

I used to think what i was doing was self-sabotage, but looking back with a clean sober view I see it differently... I wasn't addicted to alcohol or anything else in particular, I am addicted to being messed up. in my past if it wasn't pot it was beer, if it wasn't beer it was pain killers or too much cough medicine or whatever i could get my hands on to not be sober. i was uncomfortable in my skin sober because i had to deal with my problems instead of burying them in a stooper. not saying this is what you are going through, but if it is finding a close sober friend to keep you company helps a ton. Good Luck and God Bless you

 

[madison1101]

I used to think what i was doing was self-sabotage, but looking back with a clean sober view I see it differently... I wasn't addicted to alcohol or anything else in particular, I am addicted to being messed up. in my past if it wasn't pot it was beer, if it wasn't beer it was pain killers or too much cough medicine or whatever i could get my hands on to not be sober. i was uncomfortable in my skin sober because i had to deal with my problems instead of burying them in a stooper. not saying this is what you are going through, but if it is finding a close sober friend to keep you company helps a ton. Good Luck and God Bless you

Thanks, I do have a lot of sober friends...I am active in AA, and have a sponsor. I am also attending group three nights a week. I still manage to mess my life up with self-defeating crap on a regular basis.

 

[devonian]

Madison,

Where are you at on your steps?

Being active in AA is not the same as working the steps. Sure, the friends are nice, they can be a great help, but the steps are where we change.

"Selfishness and self-centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles." (pg. 62, AA) "Self-defeating crap" is just another form of self-centeredness, and the 12 steps are very good at helping us overcome self-centeredness. If you have not already completed the 12 steps, I highly recommend them.

 

[madison1101]

Madison,

Where are you at on your steps?

Being active in AA is not the same as working the steps. Sure, the friends are nice, they can be a great help, but the steps are where we change.

"Selfishness and self-centeredness! That we think is the root of our troubles." (pg. 62, AA) "Self-defeating crap" is just another form of self-centeredness, and the 12 steps are very good at helping us overcome self-centeredness. If you have not already completed the 12 steps, I highly recommend them.

I am totally aware that the steps are where the recovery is at in AA. I have been in the fellowship for 20 years, and have had extended periods of sobriety, over 8 years one time and 6 years another. My most recent relapsing started in 2007, and I have not been able to get more than 6 months without picking up again.

When I was in my first inpatient rehab in January, I realized that I had never completely done the 12 steps with a sponsor. I would get as for as step 7 and drift away from the steps, stop calling my sponsor and stop the fellowship and eventually drink.

I now have 48 days, and am currently getting ready to work on my 4th step, this time using the Big Book model, focusing on the anger/resentments and fear, something I have never really done. I have done several other 4th steps, with other sponsors, but have never done one on the anger/resentments and fear. It should be interesting, and something I am actually looking forward to dealing with.

I met with my sponsor on Saturday, after the interesting workshop, and discussed all this with her. She wants me to be certain I have done the 3rd step completely, and I want to make sure I am surrendering on a daily basis. I don't want to be lax in any way, shape or form, like I was in previous attempts at sobriety.

Thanks for reminding me about my stepwork.

Trish

 

[devonian]

I met with my sponsor on Saturday, after the interesting workshop, and discussed all this with her. She wants me to be certain I have done the 3rd step completely, and I want to make sure I am surrendering on a daily basis. I don't want to be lax in any way, shape or form, like I was in previous attempts at sobriety.

"We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. 'Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?' As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way." (pg. 47, AA) If you can answer this question "Yes" you have completed step 3.

Immediately after the 3rd step the instructions say:

"Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions." (Pg. 63-64, AA).

It doesn't say wait and make sure you have step 3 down perfectly. It doesn't say take your time. It says "Launch", it says take "vigorous action", it says to do it "at once".

The steps were meant to be done in order. You will have an opportunity in steps 6 and 7 to work on surrendering completely. It is will be too hard to surrender completely until you get through a thorough step 4 and 5. Please don't delay starting the 4th step.

 

[madison1101]

"We needed to ask ourselves but one short question. 'Do I now believe, or am I even willing to believe, that there is a Power greater than myself?' As soon as a man can say that he does believe, or is willing to believe, we emphatically assure him that he is on his way." (pg. 47, AA) If you can answer this question "Yes" you have completed step 3.

Immediately after the 3rd step the instructions say:

"Next we launched out on a course of vigorous action, the first step of which is a personal housecleaning which many of us had never attempted. Though our decision was a vital and crucial step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a strenuous effort to face, and to be rid of, the things in ourselves which had been blocking us. Our liquor was but a symptom. So we had to get down to causes and conditions." (Pg. 63-64, AA).

It doesn't say wait and make sure you have step 3 down perfectly. It doesn't say take your time. It says "Launch", it says take "vigorous action", it says to do it "at once".

The steps were meant to be done in order. You will have an opportunity in steps 6 and 7 to work on surrendering completely. It is will be too hard to surrender completely until you get through a thorough step 4 and 5. Please don't delay starting the 4th step.

That is what I thought when I told my sponsor I was ready to work the 4th Step, and she asked me if I was sure I felt secure that I had completed Step 3, so I doubled back to think about it when I saw her, and became concerned.

I am going to begin my 4th Step this weekend, as that will be the first chance I have to sit down and work on it.

 

[devonian]

I am going to begin my 4th Step this weekend, as that will be the first chance I have to sit down and work on it.

Excellent! I am very happy to hear it.

The instructions imply that step 4 should be done in columns, one column at a time. So the first part of step 4 is not really that hard. Don't write down the stuff for columns 2, 3, or 4 yet. Just the names. If you write the other stuff, you might get side tracked. Just write the names first:

"We listed people, institutions or principles with whom we were angry." (pg. 64, AA)

A couple of key things to know. It says "Whom we were angry". It doesn't say "Whom we are angry". If you can ever remember being angry with them, write their name down. Also, it doesn't say "whom we were resentful". You may think you have dealt with it, and you may have, but the purpose is to take an inventory and get it all on the table. So, just write it down and decide later if you dealt with it. After all, you may not be able to make a correct assessment at this point.

 

[RuthD]

I am happy for you Madison, you remind me of me. This has been a journey and that is all it ever will be along with getting through Hard times and good times. I, like you, have had lone periods of sobriety and continue on. It is HARD.We are all human and everything that goes with it. Commitment is the name of the game.