Self Hate and Hopelessness

[Broken Hearted]

So here I am a crying mess. Im on the road of quick self-destruction. I dont see hope I dont see a end to this but other than my own way out of it. I cant even look at myself anymore with out being disgusted. Full of self hate. Today was the first day I gave in to my old eating disorder that I battled for a long time with. I gave into S.I. and Last night I gave into drinking I gave in an went an bought a box of cold-med so I could just free myself from these feelings and get high. I havent used yet but Im on the verge of it and it wont be long. I feel more comfort and love in my self destructive ways than I do anywhere else. Sure I hate myself more afterwards for it but just those few mins few hours of complete freedom from my mind and thoughts is the happiest I feel. I dont feel loved Im just used repeatedly over and over by everyone. Heck I dont even love myself so why should anyone else. Im a screw up that will never learn and when I do itll be to late cause Ill be gone. Maybe then will I feel loved and cared for. Is it to much to want to be loved and cared for just to have someone come to me and give me a hug and say I love you for no reason. I just dont care no more no one else does so why should I anymore. Maybe one day Ill do to much destructing and my body wont be able to survive it.

 

[Tempura]

Repeating myself, but...you need to get to a hospital. Somewhere to be safe, to be treated, and to rest.

 

[Perhaps Today]

I'm just now seeing this my dear friend. I'm worried about you hon. Please don't do this to yourself. I love you very much and it saddens me to see you like this. I will be praying for you sweetie. (((((((((hug)))))))))

 

[Victorium]

Broken Hearted you're in a dark place. I think maybe you do have to go to hospital, like tempura said, somewhere safe where you can rest. Getting smashed on alcohol and suicide is not the way to go. You're here for a purpose and you can love yourself, you can be independent and you can stand on solid rock, but you have to face up to the issues in your life and you need to learn and grow from that. There is NO reason for you to hate yourself at all! There is an amazing person behind all of this. You're young and you've got a great life ahead of you. Don't do this to yourself. You need God's love to get you through all of this. Pray BH, pray from the bottom of your heart. Don't let the world win! I hope I haven't dumped too much on your plate, but you must go and get treated now!

Life is good BH!​

 

[PeaceRose]

Broken Hearted, I don't know you apart from having read many of your posts, and you don't know me. I can relate to so much of what you say, and I am just so sorry that all that terrible pain has driven you to feel like this. I do understand as I have felt like it myself before now. Still, sometimes, I truly hate myself and know that no-one loves me or cares about me. I just feel so for you and don't know what to say except that I feel love for you just reading your posts. I wish I could come put an arm around you and give you a really massive hug.

Broken, I can't offer any advice, or help, except to say that I care very much indeed. I just want to know that you are O.K. but I truly understand. Sending you so much love. God bless you Broken. xx

 

[Criada]

Love you sister.
Please go to the hospital - you need help to keep yourself safe right now.
There are many who care about you - but right now you need to care about yourself, and do something to stop the spiral of self-destruction.
Praying for you very much, and here if you need to talk.

 

[hope_is_last_to_die]

Agree with Criada, please go to hospital and you are loved. Ive prayed for you

 

[Broken Hearted]

I love yall but I cant do it I cant go to a hospital not possible and not an option. Im sorry. Right now Im just Im just high on cold meds after not sleeping but 3hrs and working 8hrs today. Ive been in tears all day cause the stress my job has put on me and I dont care no more. It just tears my heart apart to think that I may have to give my position up cause of the stress after all the blood sweat and tears Ive put in to it. I refuse to be a failure I wont be a failure. At this point Id rather die than give it up. Atleast I can say i didnt give up. Im a mess right now Im just gonna go to bed and try not to think of things right now.

 

[Criada]

Going to bed sounds the best idea right now, sweetie
Asking for help isn't giving up

Praying for you

 

[Kelly441]

You are loved, there are many people on this forum that don't know you but love you and feel for you. Most importantly Jesus loved you so much that he died for all of your sins.

 

[insurchoftruth]

Hope in God, never dies - 1 Corinthians 13:13, Romans 15:13

Psalm 119:50, Psalm 62:8, Psalm 42:5, Psalm 43:5, Isaiah 25:8, 30:18,19,20, 40:1, 41:10,13,14, 2 Corinthians 1:3-11, 4:16-18, 7:6, 12:9,10, Lamentations 3:1-66, Psalm 116:3-9, Psalm 30:11, Psalm 31, Psalm 94:17-19, Psalm 86, Psalm 34, Psalm 147:3, Psalm 22:24, Psalm 54:7, Psalm 55:22, Psalm 69, 2 Corinthians 1:10
​

 

[Broken Hearted]

Struggling so bad right now

 

[aflower4God]

Broken hearted PLEASE PLEASE get to a hospital, we all only say this out of love, PLEASE DEAR ONE, cause really you are such a WARM LOVING GREAT PERSON and we want to see you fly like a bird, PLEASE I AM SOOOOOOOOOOO WORRIED ABOUT YOU, I want to also appologize (like perhaps today) I JUST saw this thread, I have been off of CF for a couple of days.
PLEASE call someone, you are a TREASURE I know that for 100% sure because JESUS made you and he NEVER EVER makes mistakes,
YOU MEAN SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH TO ME!
Many 's I will check up on you MORE often! AGAIN so sorry that I have not been online in a while.
[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[BIG HUGS]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

 

[Perhaps Today]

Struggling so bad right now

Sweetie, I love you and I will keep praying for you. I hope and pray you will feel much better soon my dear friend. ((((((((((((((hug))))))))))))))

 

[Broken Hearted]

I just dont know if Im going to make it through this anymore. The one thing holding me back from just going to the hospital is me losing my job right now and its the one big thing in my life that is stressing me to the breaking point. I know people are going to say your job aint worth your life or health. Well to me it is. Its the only thing that supports me puts food on the table and pays my bills so I dont lose my house or anything. I have no one who can help me for awhile or anything else. I dont have family that can support me or friends. Its me or nothing. So do I live in this hell or let everything go and just give up. Cause Im tired Im tired and just want to give up just put me to rest.

 

[WhiteWillow]

Praying for you!!! Is there anyone that can come be with you that is comforting to you?

 

[kc990]

Broken Hearted, please don't overstress yourself. Don't burden yourself with this. Just believe in God and have faith in him in whatever he does. I am sure he will not let you down. Believe me, I have also felt that way many times so I know your pain. Don't forget the Lord is there to lean on. I'm sure he will try to help you in ways you may not notice. God Bless!

 

[plumsink]

Is it to much to want to be loved and cared for just to have someone come to me and give me a hug and say I love you for no reason.

I love you for no reason. More importantly, God loves you for no reason.

If you feel unsafe, call 911. No job is worth losing your life over. If losing jobs was a measure of a person's worth, I would be in bad shape since I have quit or lost a lot of them in my life. Sometimes it is better to start over. Also you might want to ask your doctor whether your level of medication is sufficient for your situation, or at least for your current situation. It sounds like it isn't.

Hang in there dear heart, there are many here who love you and God also loves you.

((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))

 

[Lou Saffire]

Im a screw up that will never learn and when I do itll be to late cause Ill be gone. Maybe then will I feel loved and cared for. Is it to much to want to be loved and cared for just to have someone come to me and give me a hug and say I love you for no reason. I just dont care no more no one else does so why should I any more. Maybe one day Ill do to much destructing and my body wont be able to survive it.

hey broken, bad to see someone hurting so much, i don't agree you should go to the hospital as its clear your problems are emotional primarily, perhaps psychological but i doubt it from what you've said, my advice would be to get out and talk to some real people face to face about how you feel, the internet is going to make you more lonely as text on a screen will never be any real consolation, iv herd so may people describe the same feelings, its kind of weird but at the same time i guess that means there may be some kind of pattern and if there's a pattern then there must be a solution.

this issue is one of self esteem and unfortunately yes it can easily become a loop of emotional dysfunction, you feel bad about yourself, so naturally we try to understand it, in doing so you generate more insecurity and add paranoia to the mix, however somewhere down the line the real understandings begin to evaporate and before long we are left with only the negative, in the words of the ancients,
"Self control is the chief element in self respect and self respect is the chief element in courage " something which you really need in order to begin rebuilding your self esteem, or things can only repeat themselves .

i hope you find something useful from what ive said, overall my advice is dont take things too seriously , least of all yourself lol, we are after all born into one huge cosmic joke whos punchline has yet to become clear.

Blessed Be

Lou

 

[Broken Hearted]

Thanks everyone. Ive finally reached my breaking point today. And Im done with it all. Much Love and Thanks to everyone sorry for being so much of problem lately