Hi Elle,
Sorry for this late reply; I just saw it today.
I struggled with "believing in Jesus" for many miserable years. Below is the story of my journey yo Christ. Hope it will encourage you to not give up on God.
I was raised in an Independent Baptist church where every Sunday I heard sermons about sin, heaven & hell, Jesus’ death on the cross, & salvation by believing in Jesus. I heard that I was a sinner, that because of my sin I would spend eternity in hell if I didn’t repent & accept Christ as my savior. I heard that Jesus died on the cross to pay for my sins and He would save anyone who accepted Him as their savior. At age 13 I went to the altar at church to be saved and I was led through the scriptures known as the Romans Road; I said a prayer asking Jesus to save me and was baptized shortly thereafter.
Afterwards I did not read the bible; I just went to church. Later, as a young adult, I began to have doubts about my salvation which eventually led to a life of uncertainty, fear, & misery. I doubted my salvation because I did not understand how God would save someone just for saying a prayer “in Jesus' name” and being baptized. I was confused about all the teaching I had heard growing up in a church. I was confused about God & the bible. I did not understand the meaning of “believing” in Jesus. I did not know what to believe or how to believe. One bible verse that I had trouble understanding was Romans 10:13. I would call on the name of the Lord many times, but could not find any assurance that He heard me. My confusion led me to question if any of it was true or if God even existed. My life was miserable.
I was looking for evidence that would prove to me that the bible is true, that God exists, and that Jesus does really forgive sinners, but there was something missing, a missing link, and I did not know what it was. I needed something to convince me that it was all true. I talked to several Christians & asked a lot of questions, read several books about how to have assurance of salvation, and read several bible salvation tracts. I could not find any answers that convinced me of the truth about any of the teachings I had heard growing up in church. I did the things I heard at church that I thought were necessary to get God to save me like making a public confession of my sin, repenting of my sin, publicly confessing Jesus as my Lord & Savior, promising to follow Him the rest of my life, I tried to make myself have some sense of faith, I said the sinners' prayer over & over begging God to save me, and each time I would find relief from the doubts. But, then our pastor would say in a sermon that to be saved we must really mean business with God, and I would question myself as to whether I really did repent of all my sins, or did I really commit my life to Christ, or did I really believe in Jesus to save me, and the doubts would return. I could not find a lasting assurance of salvation, and I had no peace. I could not concentrate on my job or my family. I was obsessed with a dreadful fear of dying without ever knowing for sure if I had done the right things to get God to save me.
One night, out of a sense of helplessness & desperation, I said a prayer to the God I wasn't sure existed. My prayer was, “God will you show me the truth about believing in Jesus?” Next, I did something I had never done outside of church; I found our family bible, sat down at my kitchen table, and opened the bible to the Book of John, the Gospel of John. I opened the bible to the Gospel of John because I had heard someone say that the Book of John was the best place to find out about Jesus. I did not know what I would find there but I was ready to accept whatever it was if it convinced me that it was real & the truth. As I started to read the Gospel of John I had no idea that my life was about to change forever and that I would soon have a peace that is impossible to explain to anyone who has never experienced that peace for themselves.
Yes, I was desperate to know Jesus as my Savior. I thought I would never know, for sure, that I had found Him or that I had enough faith in Him, or that I had really believed in Him. I was confused about what it all meant, and just wasn't sure about any of it being real. But, the moment I began to read John 1:1 for some reason I was seeing the words of the bible in a different way. I remembered reading the Book of John in Sunday School as a kid where our teacher told us to memorize the first chapter, but it really meant nothing to me back then. But, that night, as I sat at my kitchen table reading that big family bible, the words came to life and something was telling me that I was reading the truth about Jesus. I realized that the missing link I referred earlier was the Holy Spirit showing me the truth that I so desperately needed.
The Holy Spirit opened my blind spiritual eyes so that I could see & understand spiritual truth. That night I found the evidence, the the proof, that completely convinced me that the bible is the Truth, that God is real, and that Jesus does really forgive anyone who earnestly comes to Him for forgiveness. God Himself showed me that He is real.
God saw that I was seeking Him in the way described in the following scripture. Jeremiah 29:13, “And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.” (KJV)
The Holy Spirit used the following scriptures and several other scriptures to convince me that Jesus is who He said He is, and that He was waiting for me to come to Him.
John 5:39-40, Jesus said to the Pharisees “Search the scriptures, for in them ye think ye have eternal life: and they are they which testify of me. And ye will not come to me, that ye might have life.(KJV)
John 6:37,”All that the Father giveth me shall come to me; and him that cometh to me I will in no wise cast out.”(KJV)
John 6:44, “ No man can come to me, except the Father which hath sent me draw him: and I will raise him up at the last day.”(KJV)
John 6:45, “ It is written in the prophets, And they shall be all taught of God. Every man therefore that hath heard, and hath learned of the Father, cometh unto me.”(KJV)
Romans 10:14, “How shall they call on Him in whom they have not believed? And how shall they believe in Him of whom they have not heard? and how shall they hear without a preacher?”(KJV)
Revelations 3:20, “Behold I stand at t he door and knock, and if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him and will sup with him and he with me.”(KJV)
That night, as I read the Gospel of John, the Holy Spirit opened my spiritually blind eyes for me and “I got it.” He showed me who Jesus is and what He did for me when He died on the cross to pay for my sins. The Holy Spirit completely convinced me that the Bible is the absolute truth, that God is real, and that Jesus is God who became a man so He could pay the penalty for my sins that I could never pay myself. God showed me how to “believe in Him” as He convinced me that all the things I had heard in church as a kid, and all that I was reading that night were His way of not only saving me from spending eternity in hell, but also is His way to change me now by giving me a new nature. Immediately I forgot about all the things I was doing to get God to save me as my complete trust & confidence literally fell upon Jesus. I wasn't thinking about how much faith I needed to call out to Him. I knew without a doubt that Jesus was waiting for me to come to Him, and I did. The moment the Holy Spirit convinced me & I “got it” was the moment I believed in Jesus. I saw that Romans 10:13 alone was just words without faith, but that together Romans 10:13-14 means that I believe in Jesus before I call on Him. I found myself talking to Jesus as though He was right there in the room with me. I was thanking Him for saving me and asking Him to change me His way, and that He did. That was 40 years ago and today I still have that same peace and assurance that He gave me then.
I will use another scripture here although at that time I knew nothing about it but it helps to explain what actually happened to me that day: Ephesians 2:8-9 “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God:” “Not of works, lest any man should boast.” God gave me the right kind of faith to believe just like this verse says, it is a gift of God. The faith God gave me was focused on Jesus’ death on the cross, and also believing that Jesus will do what He said He will do in John 6:37, and that’s “saving faith.” The “wrong kind of faith” was focused on myself, on what “I was doing” to try to get God to save me.
I did not find my answer from men. Only when I turned to God through reading His Word and by the convincing power of the Holy Spirit did I find the truth about “believing” in Jesus. IOW the Holy Spirit changed my mind & convinced me; He made it real to me; He removed all doubts from my mind, and He changed me from a doubting unbeliever into a born-again believer who has a total assurance of salvation and a lasting peace.
John