Scared

[bella_song]

Lately I've heard so many stories of marriages that have fallen apart for seemingly no reason, and of "godly" Christians just leaving their spouse and people completely changing after they are married and much more. I have to say that this is really making me afraid of marriage in general. I am not currently in a relationship and am most certainly not ready for marriage because I am still working through so many issues from abuse growing up things like that, but I am really starting to wonder if it is really worth it. Maybe I just souldn't get married.... is there any reason to talk me out of thinking that?

 

[deliciousBass]

Lately I've heard so many stories of marriages that have fallen apart for seemingly no reason, and of "godly" Christians just leaving their spouse and people completely changing after they are married and much more. I have to say that this is really making me afraid of marriage in general. I am not currently in a relationship and am most certainly not ready for marriage because I am still working through so many issues from abuse growing up things like that, but I am really starting to wonder if it is really worth it. Maybe I just souldn't get married.... is there any reason to talk me out of thinking that?

HI!

Anyway, I know this probably sounds horrible but I'm missing Grey's Anatomy to reply to this post and I never miss that show but your question got my attention =)

First of all, let me start this out with a figure that I got from a CDC paper. This study was done May 31, 2001.

"After 10 years of divorce, 81% of women who were under 25 at divorce have remarried compared with 68% of women 25 years and older..."

Now why is that? You can argue that maybe they had kids and wanted a man in their lives or maybe for financial reasons. How about because even though divorce can be a painful and heartbreaking experience, the benefits of marriage still outweigh the sacrifices and negative parts? Now we're not talking about newbies here, we're talking about people who have been there, done that, experienced extreme loss and heartbreak and despite all that, most STILL want to give it another go!!

The type of bond and friendship that you will develop with your mate is arguably the most beautiful and closest relationship on earth. This type of closeness/togetherness is irreplaceable outside the covenant of marriage so it is easy to see why divorcees yearn for it again and are willing to take that risk yet again.

Now you asked if it was worth it. I think the negative aspects at 19 would far outweigh the perks IMHO. But I also believe that chances are you will find someone eventually who will make you feel so freaking good that you will WANT to make that leap of faith =) It might not happen for a few years, but the odds are on your side.

 

[BigNorsk]

Don't fall into mental traps. For instance most of us who live are going to die, so why bother living, it all seems to useless. See what I'm saying?

Marriage is truly wonderful, it is indeed worth it. But so many people just think marriage is a way for them to get whatever they want whenever they want it, and it's their spouse's job to provide it.

You aren't marrying a slave, you marry someone who is fundamentally a person to love.

The right person will strengthen you and be a great source of comfort and pleasure. The wrong person will be a source of such pain it is almost unimaginable. The key is to find the right person, and I'm not someone who thinks there can only be one right person. But you literally see people who say something like, I know my boyfriend is not a believer and he has that drug problem but I love him and when he gets out of jail in a year or so we are going to commit to a life of love together. It's my fault we aren't married now, I should never have spoken to him like that when he was drunk and called the ambulance, I wasn't bleeding that much anyway, I just panicked.

That relationship doesn't have a high percentage chance at bliss.

The thing is at your age is to work at really making yourself a quality person. Don't start out worrying about the guy. Get yourself educated, learn courtesy and manners. Be a kind and generous loving woman.

Then, consider what you want in a man. What he must have, what he must not have, think about how you will recognize him.

Then live a full life, if somehow he doesn't come along, so be it. But if he does, be someone he would love to love.

Don't waste time with those not qualified to be your husband. Many is the lady who lost her chance at happiness because she settled with a guy she would never have told you she would have chosen but often it's for no other reason than she is just deadly afraid of being alone even for a time.

Now you never have to be alone, you have your first and greatest love, God. But if you ask him for a good husband, and you are faithful in preparing yourself, and you are willing to walk away from any man if he isn't right for you or with God, then I have little doubt that you can have a very fulfilling and happy marriage.

Marv

 

[Evangelina]

You've gotten some good responses so far.

Lately I've heard so many stories of marriages that have fallen apart for seemingly no reason,

But scratch beneath the 'no reason' exterior and you'll generally find PLENTY of reason for the marriage to fall apart.

Something to keep in mind is that people are simply prone to sin. Sin hurts us, and it hurts the people we're close to. Marriage is (ideally) the closest relationship you can have with another human being... hence there's a LOT of potential for hurt. And there will be some hurt involved... I don't think two people can go through life together without hurting each other at times.

But the flip side is that people can love and bless each other. Most of us long for the sort of relationship where we're known inside and out, and still loved. Where we can know that there's a human who will look out for our best interests and share in our pain and joy, someone we can trust.

I am not currently in a relationship and am most certainly not ready for marriage because I am still working through so many issues from abuse growing up things like that, but I am really starting to wonder if it is really worth it. Maybe I just souldn't get married.... is there any reason to talk me out of thinking that?

Marriage IS a big commitment. It's a scary commitment. I did a LOT of thinking before getting into my marriage... I wanted someone who'd be commited not just to staying together, but to making the marriage strong by continually striving to be the best person he could be. That sort of person can be hard to find, but they're well worth the search. Don't give up on marriage - but be very, very picky about who you marry, and who you are when you marry

 

[gracefaith]

I think people get a little to use to drama and conflict in their lives. They're constantly have spats and bad feelings toward their parents, siblings, friends, coworkers, so then they get married and sort of expect to constantly have conflicts and bad feelings toward their spouse too. The bad feelings lead to bad behavior, leading to even worse behavior in return and then whole marriage blows apart.

Ongoing conflict and bad feelings are unhealthy in ALL relationships, especially marriage. Staying marriage take a commitment to really working through feelings, being vulnerable and transparent, dealing with small issues before they become big ones. Unfortunately, too many couples miss that lesson.

But not all! There are plenty of happy couples out there. It just takes a lot of commitment and prayer to make it work.

Don't worry, hopefully you'll find someone that will give you the confidence to want to make that commitment. Or maybe God has other plans for you. Being single is tough, but there ways that a single woman can serve God that are a lot more difficult for a woman with husband and family.

God bless.

 

[gengwall]

I think couples these days are woefully unprepared for the trials and tribulations of marriage. I also think that people are so used to jumping from partner to partner through their young adult life that jumping ship on the marriage doesn't seem to be a very big deal. I think the church does a horrible job preaching about both the marriage covenant and divorce.

It is good you are thinking about these things. It means you are going into your courtship years with eyes wide open. Never be afraid to ask questions and explore what God has to say about marriage. It truly is a wonderfully fulfilling life but it is also one of the hardest darn things you will do in life.

I have been married for 24 years. The first 20 were mostly pure hell for both me and my wife. But we stuck to it because we knew, in the long run, we did love each other and that if we were to find happiness, it was going to be in this relationship, not some other unknown one down the road. We gritted our teeth and put up with a lot of crap from each other and over time, learned and matured. The last 4 years things have steadily improved. I am more in love with my wife than ever and my love grows everyday. Our lives together are exciting and fulfilling. At this point, I wouldn't trade the experience for anything.

I have three bits of advice that I impart now on my daughters who are 19 and 21. These apply equally to both people in the relationship. You are responsible for you but he should also be applying these in his life:

1. Love your spouse for what is on the inside, not the outside.

2. Learn your spouses love languages and strive to show love daily in the way your partner best feels loved. Pray that the Spirit will help you experience joy in showing love and meeting your spouses needs (as opposed to feeling it is an obligation).

3. Learn to choose your battles, fight fair, express regret, and compromise.

 

[Yitzchak]

The thing is it is not just marriage that has many bad experiences to report. The same could be said about a career, having children , going to church , being in the ministry , or even being a Christian.

As one poster said, the benefits outweigh the risks involved.

I went through a few years of severe trials in my life and I finally decided that I would fare no better than Jonah did if I tryed to avoid what God had for me...both blessings and trials. So best to choose to live life to the full and trust God for the outcomes. It may not be a whale that swallows us , but God has His way of bringing into our life both the trials and the blessings that we need.

 

[dancingwithhim]

My husband and I have been married for 11 years this past July. We have had our share of ups and downs, but God put us together and we have such an awesome marriage. We made that vow to each other and to the Lord. It almost ended one time, but God pulled us through it and we are stronger than ever.

I was about 19 when God began to heal me from my past. That was also the time that I met my husband. God became my husband at that time of healing. I found who I was in Him. I also prayed for my husband to be. God answered every single little question that I had about my now husband, example: If this is the man that you have for me, please give me a sign. Well, God would in a huge way.

God knows who your spouse will be and when you will get married (if you choose to do so). My suggestion is that you heal and let God be that number one in your life. Pray for your spouse to be and tell God what you desire (even though He knows). Things will fall into place. If you choose to be single then that is awesome! Seek God first and He will give you direction.