I realize my response is rather after the fact, but I was struck by a familiar problem evident in what you wrote. I once had a great deal of anxiety. Panic attacks, insomnia, swallowing problems, breathing issues - all symptoms of deep-seated fear and unhappiness. It turned out, though, that at the very bottom of all my fears and unhappiness was just one thing: Self. What do I mean by Self? I mean that part of me that is concerned above all with being comfortable, and safe, and gratified, and attended to. It is that part of me that makes me self-centered, and self-absorbed, that fusses over self-esteem and self-image, that craves praise and acceptance. It turns out, though, that the Bible is right: The more I attend to Self, the less I attend to God; the more I am focused on me, the less I see God and others; the more I work to protect myself from hurt, and self-sacrifice, and potential humiliation, the less useful I am to God.
Like you, I used to dread the hurt that interacting with others inevitably caused. My problem, though, wasn't the hurt I sustained from others, but the hyper-sensitivity of my Self. I was the problem, not everyone else. It took God some time to make me see this. Self had created a prison of isolation and fear for me. In fact, the more of Self I indulged, the more isolated and imprisoned I became.
God helped me to see that the only way to be free of the bondage to Self under which I was laboring was to die. Yup, that's right die. Not physically, of course, but spiritually. I came to realize, in fact, that I had not been walking as a disciple of Christ really at all. You see, Jesus had told his disciples:
Matthew 16:24-26
24 ..."If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me.
25 For whoever desires to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.
26 For what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world, and loses his own soul? Or what will a man give in exchange for his soul?
I had not picked up my cross and died on it; I had not denied myself. Self was alive and well and I had the fear and unhappiness to prove it! This is the sick thing about Self: the more it is indulged, the more destructive and hungry it becomes. And this is, in part, why it must die. No one can truly enjoy God and be a "vessel sanctified and meet for His use" until Self is crucified.
The thing is, a man (or woman) can't actually crucify himself. It's physically impossible to do and it is equally impossible to do spiritually. But it absolutely must be done if we are to live free of the fear, unhappiness and spiritual unfruitfulness Self causes. And so, God did for us what we could not do. He crucified us with Christ some 2000 years ago when Jesus died on the cross of Calvary.
Romans 6:6-7
6 knowing this, that our old man was crucified with Him, that the body of sin might be done away with, that we should no longer be slaves of sin.
7 For he who has died has been freed from sin.
Galatians 2:20
20 I have been crucified with Christ; it is no longer I who live, but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me.
Colossians 3:3
3 For you died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God.
What we have to do is believe and begin to "reckon it so." (Ro. 6:11) As we do, as we count on Self being rendered powerless to compel us into selfishness and sin, it is then that we begin to experience the reality of death to Self in our living. And when this happens, when Self is crucified, fear and unhappiness dissolve and the joyful, victorious life every Christian is meant to live begins!
I hope you will see that your fear is just Self alive and well. I hope, too, that you will see that you cannot walk with God well, and be His heart and hands to a lost world, until Self dies. Understand, though, that in death there is life! Dying to your Self means living in the fullness of the life you have in Christ!
