We're loving it
And not in the sleezy way (ie: not, just "hey, I'm getting laid.) I would still approve and support her if she decided she didn't want to play with me anymore, and I know the main other guy I've seen her with feels the same way (I'm using the word "play" because there's more going on than just what is usually considered "sex").
I wrote up a whole long thing a few days ago, then wasn't able to post it, but the point was that if you think of sex (or sexual play)
not as giving a part of yourself away, but as creating a shared experience, it changes so much about sex.
Let's call my friend Stacy. Stacy and I--and Stacy and ...Bob-- are sharing positive experiences. I'm exploring a side of my personality that I haven't really been able to, before; she's knocking down her "carefully built house of self-shame" and learning to own her own desires; and Bob...I don't really know him well, but I've seen them together, and he's wonderfully sweet and playful with her, and clearly enjoying himself.
Think of other positive experiences you've had--even really, deeply important ones. Learning to overcome an obstacle in your life, or in yourself...discovering something that become a really fun or meaningful (or both) part of your life... Probably there were other people involved in them. Do you necessarily feel like they are bound to you? Would you feel cheated to learn that they introduced other people to your favorite hobby, or that they mentored somebody else, or had other really, really close friends?
Probably not, I'm guessing?
It's similar. We're approaching sex from the point of view of creating positive experiences for ourselves and each other. We're not making love, and we know that. We're having fun and doing important stuff, and improving ourselves as people, but we aren't dating, and don't have any say in other aspects of each others lives.
Contracts? Not literally, in the written sense, but it's actually not far from the truth. She's careful to make sure people know she's not looking for a real relationship right now.
The way she worded it with me was that she needs to just be her own permission to do what she likes for a while. She's coming from a history of being very passive and somewhat ashamed of her sexuality, so just owning herself, and being the
only person who controls what she does and who she does it with, is a big, important step.
You probably need to understand the social group we're working with here, too. It's amazingly accepting and accommodating to just about any personality type, as long as you're generally kind and willing to take responsibility for yourself. If you like publicly stripping, that's cool, as long as you only do it in crowds where people are consenting to see you do it. If you need to go sit in a corner and rock back and forth for a while, in order to be comfortable out in public, that's cool too, as long as you don't blame the group for making you feel that away (unless they legitimately did). Probably, somebody will come over and sit with you, to make sure you're ok.
She has some issues. They are obvious, but she is working on them, and making huge strides. Embracing her sexuality is a big part of that. Being with her is like being with a butterfly in the moment when it looks at itself and realizes it's becoming a butterfly. The idea of being a part of that and providing a supportive environment is really appealing to a lot of people. Most do it by just being a part of that supportive environment, being her friend. A few of us are getting more..directly...involved. We know what we're getting into. And if anybody was drawn for the *wrong* reasons (mistakenly thinking that she's weak or easily manipulated) she'd be the first to realize there's a problem, and her friends and play-partners would be the first to initiate a group beat-down.
Which isn't to say that, in the moment, we're just trying to 'cure' her or anything. She's curing herself--we're tagging along for the ride, and because she's ridiculously fun to play with.
Whether I'm thinking more about the support angle or the "yay bondage!" angle depends on the moment, but both are always present.
Oh, so yeah...NSA...I use the phrase as shorthand for "we play and have sex, but we're not dating and not lovers." For real, I think the only situation where there really wouldn't be "strings" is where there's no emotion involved at all. Obviously, there are strings here--commitments-- but they are the sorts of strings that aren't unique to sex and dating. There's commitment as friends, and all sorts of commitments as a social group, to always make sure that we're acting in ways that are positive to everybody involved. But commitments specifically because some of us have been naked together? Not so much.
