"Rescuing" and "Perfection": The Art of that Special Someone

[Harpuia]

So if you haven't been around over the last year, I'll explain to you my situation:

A loooooooooooooong time ago, we're talking in a land far far away... no... just a long time ago...

I was single (with the exception of that one month mistake with a girl who was a total idiot) my entire life, and I know that culture, ESPECIALLY the evangelical Christian culture REQUIRES you have a mate to make yourself better off overall. ALL other Christian friends and enemies (well, ok, just enemies) I had were married. They were, in a sense, better off, and some stated that they couldn't survive through life without them.

Me? I have had a hard time at college. All this time I was waiting for the girl of my dreams to show up during my college years and support me like it did everyone else I know. But she never came... and I did the work anyway. I finished a herd of projects, graduated Magna Cum Laude (a 3.52 GPA with dual honors and a dual major) in the hardest major in our university, Computer Engineering.

I wrote a letter one night to this girl of mine, like I do every night in a journal. I typed this one this time, because I thought that someday I could use this a resource tool to counter this claim that I've seen going around in churches that you NEED a mate to survive through your adolescent years.

I sure didn't. And the only one that came close only slowed me down considerably.

Anyway, here's that note, if you want to read it. You can leave thoughts below.

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An angel. It has been over seven years now, since I have dreamed about it.

My dream? To be rid of my worthless shell of a life and join the girl of my dreams happily ever after somewhere in a small house far away from the rest of the world.

Angel, I thought you were many people. I thought for dead sure you were Julia... then I realized it was so far from the truth. Even if Julia was, I never had a chance to begin with. I thought for sure then you were Christine, but again, my judgment lapsed me greatly. And the same result, I never had a chance.

Back then, I needed an angel, badly. Someone who could rescue me from the prison that I was put into by the churchies in my life. I saw so many other people who had their lives changed by a wonderful girl who loved them dearly. I was waiting for that person, that loving, caring angel who would come and love me for who I am... whom I didn't have to change for, whom I didn't have to play games with. Whom I could give my whole heart and soul to, and I would never have to worry about her betraying me.

That angel never came.

Seven years now, and in seven years much has changed. I'm no longer living in that prison. I was freed on December 16th at 1:00 AM in the dead of night, finishing my final assignment and realizing that I rescued myself, MYSELF from that prison, that no one came and helped me.

No girl came to change my life like it did my ex-friend Joe's to help his self-esteem and confidence.

No girl came to change my life like it did my ex-friend John's... who still needs help but without his girlfriend, would probably be dead by now.

Many times I called out to you to help me, to show yourself to me, to give me a sign that you exist... but like God, you decided against it. But then, I realized why... it's because you don't exist.

There is no such thing as an angel. An angel would give unconditional love, and unconditional love does not exist. My family loves me, but only under the condition that I get good grades. My friends love me, but only under the condition that I don't go ape-bonkers over the next assignment that I work on.

No, that kind of love is only given to the lucky, and I wasn't born on a lucky star. While others have had it easy, I've had to scrap and scrimp every battle I could, winning each by the hair on my nose, barely with enough emotional and mental energy to be able to keep going... hoping that my angel would appear so she could help me.

I believed that with my angel, it would even up the score on the adversities that life gave me in my earlier years. I know that when people are with someone, they are mentally more capable of doing tough tasks then going at it alone. I've had to go at it alone my entire life. You were never at my corner. I fought every battle on my own, and you... you didn't exist.

You don't exist. You were never there for me when I needed you the most. And the more I fought back against my demons, the less I needed you. I now realize that I don't need you at all now. I'm a perfect being on my own. I am as mentally strong as a bonded couple, and well on my way to being as emotionally strong as one. You were my only ball and chain from keeping me from being it, because I wanted to be stronger, faster. Now I am here. I don't need you anymore.

I fought until I could fight no more, then I kept fighting, even when I felt everything was hopeless. I did it without you. I shut the critics up without you. I did what everyone else believed was impossible, including you. You were never there, you never believed in me, but then again, I can't blame you, since you don't exist.

I don't need an angel anymore. I have me. I am the ultimate weapon. I don't know where life will take me next, but I do know that wherever I go, I will now make myself a big name... a name that people will remember... and now...

I will do it without you.

You never loved me. You never existed to begin with. I learned that like the God I was pressured to believe in as a child, you are only a figment of people's imaginations, so that they could feel better about themselves. You were the only thing that kept me together in high school, but I can't blame myself. I wished you were here back then. Now I don't care.

A girl didn't change my life like it did my friends. I changed it. And therefore, you are about as useless as a thumbtack.

So angel, goodbye. I don't need you after all.

 

[Luther073082]

Ok yeah man, you seem very angry at the world or something. First of all you make it sound like such a big struggle. Let me tell you something, some majors are harder then others but I have really difficult time believing that one could accuratly point to one major and say its the hardest. A lot of arrogence in beliving that. Everything important that I did in life such as graduating from college, I also did on my own without a mate.

So just because you didn't have a mate through high school or college you are suddenly mad at everyone woman on earth?

Why is this? And then you earlier saying that you are the biggest jerk now because "they deserve it"

That woman you meet in the grocery store line or on the street that hasn't met you before hasn't done anything to you. And therefore does not deserve any jerkyness from you.

Got to grow up man, lose your anger complex at women.

 

[Harpuia]

Ok yeah man, you seem very angry at the world or something. First of all you make it sound like such a big struggle. Let me tell you something, some majors are harder then others but I have really difficult time believing that one could accuratly point to one major and say its the hardest. A lot of arrogence in beliving that. Everything important that I did in life such as graduating from college, I also did on my own without a mate.

So just because you didn't have a mate through high school or college you are suddenly mad at everyone woman on earth?

Why is this? And then you earlier saying that you are the biggest jerk now because "they deserve it"

That woman you meet in the grocery store line or on the street that hasn't met you before hasn't done anything to you. And therefore does not deserve any jerkyness from you.

Got to grow up man, lose your anger complex at women.

I didn't say that engineering was the hardest major period. I said it was the hardest at our university. BIG difference. It really is the hardest, and most majors admit to it. It usually shouldn't be though, but it's the only major here that requires 5 years with a bachelor's. The only other major that requires 5 years is architecture, but you get a master's with it.

As for any "anger complex", trust me, it feels a lot more free to realize that you don't need someone to survive in this world. When you realize that, you can achieve your potential.

It's not like I've given up on dating entirely.. it's just no longer the be-all end-all top priority on my list. It's near the bottom now.

 

[Blackguard_]

Ok yeah man, you seem very angry at the world or something.

I don't think he's angry at the world/women. It seems he thinks his not needing a mate makes him some kind of bigshot.

He does have a good point mixed in with the craziness though; it isn't good to rely too heavily on others for your self-worth and psychic health.

I don't need an angel anymore. I have me. I am the ultimate weapon. I don't know where life will take me next, but I do know that wherever I go, I will now make myself a big name... a name that people will remember... and now...

I will do it without you.

If you were content in yourself, you wouldn't need to be a bigshot, especially not to spite someone that doesn't exist. Sounds like you have your angel to me.

 

[Beauty4Ashes]

The pot says to the kettle, why are you so black?

 

[BoazB]

Well, I know that for myself God has never helped me in that department, and for years I wasted time shaking my fist at the sky - and then I realised, He wanted me to help Him.

(and BTW... I've also noticed that there are a lot of fake chics in church... a picture of the world I suppose, but maybe in MY CASE, they couldn't see somebody worth marrying. LOL.)

 

[TexasSky]

I do not know if God means for you ever to be with a spouse or not. Only God knows.

I do know that for those seven years you were waiting for someone to rescue you, you were not mature enough to be a spouse to someone else.

Marriage is not about rescuing someone.

Marriage should be two-whole people joining two whole lives together.

I say this as a woman who was very happily married for almost 20 years. I am single today because a drunk driver ran a stop-light and hit the car my husband was in. (He lived, but he suffered a traumatic head injury that caused a total personality change within him. )

When you are looking for someone to save you, you are looking for what you can take from another person. You should, instead, be looking at what you can give another person.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

Got to grow up man, lose your anger complex at women.

I think he is being 'grown up' about his post.

I don't think he's angry at the world/women. It seems he thinks his not needing a mate makes him some kind of bigshot.

He does have a good point mixed in with the craziness though; it isn't good to rely too heavily on others for your self-worth and psychic health.



If you were content in yourself, you wouldn't need to be a bigshot, especially not to spite someone that doesn't exist. Sounds like you have your angel to me.

And I agree to be more content within yourself...but I also don't think he's being a "bigshot" either. *shrugs*

Marriage is not about rescuing someone.

Marriage should be two-whole people joining two whole lives together.

When you are looking for someone to save you, you are looking for what you can take from another person. You should, instead, be looking at what you can give another person.

to this post!!

I see it time and time again that people just get married, because they don't want to be alone and are DESPERATELY seeking someone out. I know this do because I did the EXACT SAME THING when I was 30.
Boy, did I regret that decision, when I was divorced 5 year later!

The BEST thing anyone can do is be whole and content within themselves and realize that there are no 'fairytales' in life and people don't marry and live happily ever after. Marriage (like anything else) is a constant work in progress....and it'll be way easier on you if you are whole in yourself & God, then meet another whole person in themselves & God.

 

[BoazB]

Yup. What do they say? Marriage is a committment, not a feeling.

Well it's like sleeping as a hitchhiker on some French underground station - they lock the gates at 12 O'Clock, so just make sure you are happy with whoever is with you.

 

[twebcheater]

Has it ever occurred to you that people are different and have different needs? You clearly made it through college without someone. Therefore, you didn't *need* anyone. Someone might though. Life is an intricate mess, but I'm convinced that even with our free will insanity thrown into the mix it all makes sense to God. Who are you to say that just because you didn't need anyone to get through it, that someone else doesn't as well? Maybe someone cant afford school, and happening to be with someone who has a good job could be the thing they need to make it through school? We're all different, and your putting women and people in general into a very small box and forgetting how dynamic everyone really is.

This is off topic but did you ever cheat on your c++ assignments? Im admin of a c++ forum and we get people wanting us to do their stuff for them all the time haha... it would be cool to meet someone someplace other than there who did that.

 

[Luther073082]

This is off topic but did you ever cheat on your c++ assignments? Im admin of a c++ forum and we get people wanting us to do their stuff for them all the time haha... it would be cool to meet someone someplace other than there who did that.

You know I understand what you are getting at but I sort of read this and think "Thats like asking someone how often they beat their wife."

Anyways to sum it up man. You got through alright on your own. Most people could if they tried but society has convinced them they need someone. When you arn't totally and utterly desperate to have someone then I think you'll come out better in the end.

But then again, I'm 25 and still single .

 

[Im_A]

Harpuia great realization man. keep it up bro.!

like you said in another response here, it is freeing to know that you don't need some woman to be happy, to give you self-esteem, to give you all the things you want for yourself.

over the past year i have come to this realization myself. that love, women is not what i need to be happy. i'm still learning what i need to be happy but at least i know what i don't need.

the hope i have for myself is by this realization, i'm coming to a, for lack of better word, "holy" desire for love and relationships. giving up on the failed ways, and just be happy with what i have, and hopefully the insight for the next relationship that may or may not come will be not about selfish desires that i have for myself, but will be about just a simple of wanting to be with the other person just because of who she is and nothing more. not for her to make me happy, but to make her happy or more importantly make "us" happy.

its gets old hearing how people look at men and women relations as they look at Jesus. to fix all their problems. to bring them happiness. the fact is it fails and it is a fleeting illusion that men and women are capable of giving such happiness. we are all blessed people with the ability to give such blessings and dark creatures to give such damnable effects(i find that the intriguing part of relations between men and women.)

keep it bro. your on a good track of realizing this. and i hope for yourself the more you realize this, that you find someone special and that it is non-lustful, non-selfish love that lasts till one of you two die. hope the best for you.

btw, great post too in the way you wrote it!

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

its gets old hearing how people look at men and women relations as they look at Jesus. to fix all their problems. to bring them happiness. the fact is it fails and it is a fleeting illusion that men and women are capable of giving such happiness. we are all blessed people with the ability to give such blessings and dark creatures to give such damnable effects(i find that the intriguing part of relations between men and women.)