Relationship Terms and Conditions

[Rigatoni]

Might be a joke, but I bet my bottom dollar there are some relationships this strict and structured somewhere on the blue marble. If you're going to take it that serious why not just get married?

 

[Rigatoni]

somewhere on the blue marble. If you're going to take it that serious why not just get married?

Riddle me that.

 

[sampa]

My approach works well for men with dating and relational experience. Those with little to none may be scared, insecure, or inexperienced. They may appreciate women taking the initiative.

Yes, I can understand that. In the case of the guy that I dated in May for 5 weeks, he may have been sort of relationally and experience but not as an experienced as me. He probably had three serious relationships in his life with the longest being probably his marriage of 17 or something years.

Be advised, they require more hand holding and patience. You'll need to adjust your expectations accordingly. There will emotional fallout. Ten or twenty years of no's will mess with your head. He'll need reassuring. Now and later.

Makes sense. It's also hard for me to gauge since I don't have that much experience.

If you're going to consider suitors outside of your vicinity they need to fund the travel or contribute. Ideally the first

Yes, I could probably agree with that. The guy that I was dating in May offered to pay for my car rental. I still kind of felt that a third date shouldn't have had to be where he was but I guess he was getting tired of the travel coming out.

Considering someone outside of his area incurs a cost. You're too old for lengthy breaks. That's for people in their twenties. Monthly is best. Bi-monthly if you must. Don't cram. You need to experience him in both settings.

I was trying to go for dates that were spaced out every other weekend but he pushed for every weekend. I felt like it was too much trying to manage a yard and he also had a yard of his own but he had kids to take care of it. We discussed this but I still felt like he was changing his mind what he was saying before. It was almost the same with the architect but I didn't feel as much pressure in seeing each other once a week. He was also only 45 minutes away. As things unfolded I think we spent more and more time on the phone sometimes with five over conversations. But the pace of attraction or development was not the same. I think he was instantaneous ly attracted to me whereas I was expecting it to develop overtime. He disagreed that he didn't think that someone could develop an attraction over time.

Are you still talking to him? When you say dating, do you mean a relationship or going out on dates?

No after my final goodbye, and we talked about what a breaking things off would look like prior, he doesn't feel like that if you see someone as marrying potential that you can ever be friends after. It was kind of a strange break up since I had to mail back the Dave Ramsey CDs that he gave me on the second date. It was a little bit pricey for me but then I just talked it up as better to be done with it then still going with him.

Dating means we were going on dates and considering the potential for a relationship. He's the second person that I have almost gotten serious about within this almost two year of online dating. I've only had one boyfriend in my life that lasted 2 months from the age of 20 to my current age. I'm very inexperienced and that is something I have to reiterate with someone who is thinking about getting serious with me. They may have expectations because of my age, but I lack the relational experience that the majority have at my age.

 

[bèlla]

He probably had three serious relationships in his life with the longest being probably his marriage of 17 or something years.

With 17 years under his belt he has a lot of experience. He may be new to online engagement but that’s a lot of mileage.

Makes sense. It's also hard for me to gauge since I don't have that much experience.

Some take time off as you’ve done. Many keep trying or hold out hope for marriage. While you’re honest about your inexperience some downplay or camouflage it. They don’t want to admit they’re virgins, never had a girlfriend, or a woman’s affection. It comes out eventually.

Yes, I could probably agree with that. The guy that I was dating in May offered to pay for my car rental. I still kind of felt that a third date shouldn't have had to be where he was but I guess he was getting tired of the travel coming out.

If you can’t afford it swallow your pride and let him help. He doesn’t want to be a burden to you.

I was trying to go for dates that were spaced out every other weekend but he pushed for every weekend.

Expectations differ when you’re dealing with a suitor with discretionary income. They may desire frequent meetings because they can afford it. That’s why it’s important to ask how often he wants to meet ideally.

It sounds like you attract men with expectations you have difficulty meeting given your responsibilities. Research a service and see what the going rate is to do the work. That will have to be accounted for at some point.

But the pace of attraction or development was not the same. I think he was instantaneously attracted to me whereas I was expecting it to develop overtime. He disagreed that he didn't think that someone could develop an attraction over time.

He’s not her first choice. The attraction develops over time because she looks beyond her feelings.

I'm very inexperienced and that is something I have to reiterate with someone who is thinking about getting serious with me. They may have expectations because of my age, but I lack the relational experience that the majority have at my age.

That’s the primary reason I went younger. But I realized I needed someone experienced. The hand holding conflicts with my need for leadership and security. I can’t settle down.

I noticed an immediate difference when we reconciled. I’m calmer now. He came out the gate boom boom boom. This is who we are, what I want, and where we’re heading. That’s what I need.

I took the love languages test again. My answers change depending on the person. Gifts was in second place. It’s never been that high. Words of affirmation was first but they’re really close. I think they’ll flip. I like being spoiled. I’m his princess.

Since you appreciate fashion, I’ll share a snippet from my handbook. Yes I have one. Yes he wrote it. He still needs to cover makeup and handbags! As for the joke, I cried when he said no last time. He compromised.

Oh, the dreaded “no Chanel” rules, haha. Your favorite! I wouldn’t normally prioritize this but you know this is our thing. Drumroll please….

Fashion is supposed to be dynamic and adapt to the time and context, so take these as overall guidelines for an everyday look, but they will be adapted as needed. I also want to experiment to see what I find most appealing on your body with time and not just some genetic fashion standard that I prefer generally.

Let’s start from the bottom up as we know that shoes make an outfit…

Shoes: I prefer primarily stilettos and pumps. I don’t like kitten, wedges, or chunky platforms. Basically anything that makes it look like you’re wearing cinderblocks on your feet. Light, dainty, elegant is the name of the game when it comes to shoes for you. Open or closed pointed toe, not peep toe. Sling back, ankle strap, t-strap are all good. Classy and not obnoxiously flashy colors. Sandals, boots, and flats are fine when heels are absolutely not appropriate. Sneakers only when you’re working out.

He worked in the industry and knows a lot. More than I realized. It got better and better.

This could be off-putting for some. But I don’t mind the specificity. I want to please my partner/spouse. If he likes a certain look I’m wearing it.

You’ll see dress standards in certain relationships. Like extreme traditionals. They do a modern 1950s. Mostly dresses and skirts. Little to no pants. Very feminine. That isn’t us but he nixed the pants.

 

[JustSomeBloke]

Reminds me of an old friend who kept his girlfriend on a leash when they went to the mall. (I don't think it was a kink... she would literally wander off without it.)

A leash is certainly very helpful. Blinkers are good too, especially when walking past clothes shops and jewellery shops.

 

[JustSomeBloke]

This is the article that I was talking about. She had been through a toxic relationship before and proposed it as a joke. It sounded like he took to it.

Introducing it as a joke could have been a slightly clever tactical ploy. If he didn't like it, then she says "I was just joking". But she still gets something out of it, because I suspect that her main objective was to find a way of discussing topics that might be considered too serious to raise two weeks into a new relationship. And if he had blown his top, and refused to discuss it, then she finds out what he's like and knows to move on. As it happens, he was receptive, perhaps because he was worried about losing her, so again, she got something out of it.

However, that doesn't necessarily mean that her method was an ideal way of raising the topic, or that her timing was good. The primary problem was that she was previously in a toxic relationship. And having been burned, she is now super wary of men. So in some respects you could say that she is dragging the baggage from that toxic relationship into her next relationship. Some men might be quite defensive in that situation, because it makes it look like she's eyeing you with suspicion that you might be a manipulative, narcissistic, gaslighter.

 

[sampa]

With 17 years under his belt he has a lot of experience. He may be new to online engagement but that’s a lot of mileage.

Yes, he did have a lot of experience. So did the architect he had about 17 years of marriage also. And the guy from last May did tell me that he thought I was the experienced one since I had been doing the online dating. He actually took the pointers that I gave him for online dating and went on to other sites and made other profiles. I blocked one immediately without looking at it. Another one I spent the time reading through it and took screenshots to see what he said if he had learned anything from our dating. And I think he did, in a positive light. I don't think that any guy that has gone on dates with me has had anything negative happen. Except me ending future dates.

While you’re honest about your inexperience some downplay or camouflage it. They don’t want to admit they’re virgins, never had a girlfriend, or a woman’s affection. It comes out eventually.

Yes this is probably true, but the apologist was upfront with me about never being married. And he thought that he was not relationally experienced but in our conversations it proved otherwise. He had relationships that lasted years and one of them almost engagement. I have gone on dates in my 30s, and one of them almost turning into a relationship until I found something dark information that I had to let him go. He came back proposing marriage even though we hadn't even been on a date. As I have mentioned before, my attractions have never matched my desire for a Godly man. I think the guy that I dated back in May that I was not that attracted to, was the closest I got to someone with Christ like leadership. But I think he would have been too possessive and restrictive, I was feeling like I couldn't breathe the day before I was to leave to see him. His interrogation got to be too much. And the day after that I made my decision to break things off, I did it by video but I remember him looking at me like I was a little girl and he was a disappointed father. It was the strangest thing. I still can't wrap my mind around the way he responded.

Expectations differ when you’re dealing with a suitor with discretionary income. They may desire frequent meetings because they can afford it. That’s why it’s important to ask how often he wants to meet ideally.

This is good information for me to think about in the future.

It sounds like you attract men with expectations you have difficulty meeting given your responsibilities. Research a service and see what the going rate is to do the work. That will have to be accounted for at some point.

as mentioned before, I've dated quite a few different people. It just so happens that the guys that I almost got into a relationship with online dating within this past year had similarities. If you were to talk to the sample that I was 10 years ago, the attractions that I had were quite different. Also 10 years ago I did not have the responsibilities that I did and I could have relocated in a heartbeat. So there is a combination of things that have changed between my attraction and responsibilities. I will have to keep a service and mine for the future, but so far I feel like I've made a lot of progress these past 2 years that I did in my twenties and thirties. I've definitely met better suitors than I have my entire life.

That’s the primary reason I went younger. But I realized I needed someone experienced. The hand holding conflicts with my need for leadership and security. I can’t settle down.

I can understand that. I'm glad that you have found somebody that has the experience and leadership you're looking for.

noticed an immediate difference when we reconciled. I’m calmer now. He came out the gate boom boom boom. This is who we are, what I want, and where we’re heading. That’s what I need.

So glad it happened this way so far and I pray that the Lord will grow both of you.

I took the love languages test again. My answers change depending on the person. Gifts was in second place. It’s never been that high. Words of affirmation was first but they’re really close. I think they’ll flip. I like being spoiled. I’m his princess.

I think mine changes but I don't put a lot of reliance on it. The next time something seems to be progressing with conversations or possible dating I probably will revisit this test again. It can be a good tool and I'm glad that you can use it.

Since you appreciate fashion, I’ll share a snippet from my handbook. Yes I have one. Yes he wrote it. He still needs to cover makeup and handbags! As for the joke, I cried when he said no last time. He compromised.

Oh, the dreaded “no Chanel” rules, haha. Your favorite! I wouldn’t normally prioritize this but you know this is our thing. Drumroll please….

Fashion is supposed to be dynamic and adapt to the time and context, so take these as overall guidelines for an everyday look, but they will be adapted as needed. I also want to experiment to see what I find most appealing on your body with time and not just some genetic fashion standard that I prefer generally.

This is quite fascinating and thank you for sharing. I'm also revisiting the style and fashion interest because of online dating. I picked up another documentary looking at Alexander McQueen. It was so fascinating to hear about his life story and so sad.

Let’s start from the bottom up as we know that shoes make an outfit…

Shoes: I prefer primarily stilettos and pumps. I don’t like kitten, wedges, or chunky platforms. Basically anything that makes it look like you’re wearing cinderblocks on your feet. Light, dainty, elegant is the name of the game when it comes to shoes for you. Open or closed pointed toe, not peep toe. Sling back, ankle strap, t-strap are all good. Classy and not obnoxiously flashy colors. Sandals, boots, and flats are fine when heels are absolutely not appropriate. Sneakers only when you’re working out.

He worked in the industry and knows a lot.

That's quite interesting. For myself it would be a stretch if a guy had expectations about shoes. If he's financing it it probably would be a different thing. I wear size 11 and I've never had much money so it's always been difficult to figure what shoes would be the best all around. I choose Merrell for my everyday. Buying them maybe twice a year. Dress shoes I haven't had as many opportunities except for church. But that may be changing as this is an area that I want to work on. I've been working around the accessories since last year building that up. Shoes will be next. Stilettos would probably be a challenge since I have never been able to be in something that doesn't have some with to it for support since I have flat feet. I wonder if this would disclude me from a lot of men.

This could be off-putting for some. But I don’t mind the specificity. I want to please my partner/spouse. If he likes a certain look I’m wearing it.

Yes, I think it takes a special type of person to be open to dressing a certain way. I do find it fascinating though and intriguing.

You’ll see dress standards in certain relationships. Like extreme traditionals. They do a modern 1950s. Mostly dresses and skirts. Little to no pants. Very feminine. That isn’t us but he nixed the pants.

maybe someday I will notice this. But I have never experienced this so far. I was just thinking the other day how much advantage I have since many of the gals that are in this area between Three counties, many don't take care of themselves. If I dress up and go to a grocery store, guaranteed husbands and single men will be looking. So if he nixed the pants, does that mean that you don't wear pants around him? I was trying to understand that part.

Introducing it as a joke could have been a slightly clever tactical ploy. If he didn't like it, then she says "I was just joking". But she still gets something out of it, because I suspect that her main objective was to find a way of discussing topics that might be considered too serious to raise two weeks into a new relationship. And if he had blown his top, and refused to discuss it, then she finds out what he's like and knows to move on. As it happens, he was receptive, perhaps because he was worried about losing her, so again, she got

Yes, that's an interesting thought. Yes and it's possible that he was receptive because he really liked her.

The primary problem was that she was previously in a toxic relationship. And having been burned, she is now super wary of men. So in some respects you could say that she is dragging the baggage from that toxic relationship into her next relationship.

Yes, she was in a toxic relationship and I think she wanted to get it right this time. She also was open to dating many people and just getting herself out there without expectations. It sounded like from what I read she was rather surprised at how taken they both were with each other. She wanted to make this relationship work, so I guess this was the way of improving her communication and not having boundaries overstepped. I can totally get that in a 20 years old mind, there's things I wanted to say but I just didn't know how to say it. I think writing it out like this was kind of clever and helped her to figure better how to make the relationship work for both of them.

Some men might be quite defensive in that situation, because it makes it look like she's eyeing you with suspicion that you might be a manipulative, narcissistic, gaslighter.

yes, it totally depends on what lens they are coming into the relationship with. I think the more relationships each person has had, they can develop a negative lens or they can figure a way to make lemonade of it. interesting topic and thanks for putting this out as a thread

 

[HisGraceAbounds]

This is a very disturbing thing for me to read. Being sent or handed something like that would be a show-stopper. After 2 weeks? Sorry sweetie, you aren't THAT interesting. If this is her at 2 weeks, I can only imagine what hoops she'll have him jumping through should they ever get married.

Why do people have to make this so difficult?

Why do people have to make EVERYTHING difficult?

 

[bèlla]

@sampa

Great choice with McQueen. He was a rare talent and ahead of his time.

As for my attire, pants are for workouts. I discussed the aesthetic standard the Lord gave me a couple of years ago. He provided guidelines for weight, clothing, and deportment. DH’s preferences are nearly identical.

I didn’t own jeans for years. I bought them for my sewing class given the distance and duration (3-6 hours). Plus I carried a lot. Truthfully, I like being dressed. It’s a form of caretaking and increases other centeredness. He moves me beyond my norm and that’s beneficial.

But I can’t imagine myself doing the same for someone else. No websites, journaling, schedule revisions, wardrobe overhaul, etc. I do it for him and it brings me joy. There’s a caveat of course.

He raised the bar so high none can follow. I’d be miserable. They’d fall short and I wouldn’t have them. I shared that with the Lord earlier. He’s it. I found the one I want. There will be no more. No matter what he’s the last.

In respect to shoes, ask a podiatrist. They’ll advise you in the best type for your feet that won’t cause problems. Heel lengths have skyrocketed. Kitten was the norm. Now they’re higher. You can look attractive without 4-inch heels.