Relationship Terms and Conditions

[JustSomeBloke]

Taken from this article:

College student draws up a 17-page CONTRACT for her boyfriend of TWO WEEKS, outlining 'objectives' and 'boundaries' - and stipulating that she wants a 'romantic gesture' every two weeks

 

[bèlla]

Wow. That's overkill for that time frame. She'll drive him away.

I'm not opposed to establishing guidelines if you have a connection where formalities are mutually desired. Putting things in writing can be beneficial for both. You have to allow for adjustments and treat it as a living guide rather than a policy. You'll change and circumstances may require compromises or alterations to the plan.

We're doing this. But I wouldn't accept the same from a stranger.

~bella

 

[jacknife]

I really wanna know what the redacted part says lol.

 

[jacknife]

Wow. That's overkill for that time frame. She'll drive him away.

I'm not opposed to establishing guidelines if you have a connection where formalities are mutually desired. Putting things in writing can be beneficial for both. You have to allow for adjustments and treat it as a living guide rather than a policy. You'll change and circumstances may require compromises or alterations to the plan.

We're doing this. But I wouldn't accept the same from a stranger.

~bella

According to the article they actually drew it up together.

 

[Sketcher]

If they decide to get married, I assume they will also sign a pre-nup.

 

[dzheremi]

And they say romance is dead!

 

[Sunshinee777]

Contract- ”how romantic”

 

[bèlla]

According to the article they actually drew it up together.

Well in that case. She met her match.

 

[Will Joseph]

Part of the contract needs to have, "no surfing the internet at 4am."

 

[bèlla]

I really wanna know what the redacted part says lol.

I have a sneaking suspicion it's physical. With a special nod to early mornings.

 

[ReesePiece23]

That's a change your phone contract/block all social medias job.

I wouldn't even wait to find out if it's a joke. Because however you slice it, it's still unforgivably stupid.

 

[Miles]

Aspiring lawyers?

I've heard that some people look to relationships to provide structure for their lives. Structure that they should ideally learn to provide for themselves. Boundaries are important, and it's good to communicate your expectations, but... how do I say this. If a woman I was dating served me those papers, or proposed doing something similar, I'd probably think she was joking. I might even have to stifle a laugh or two. Even if I agree with some of the points, that approach seems a little off to me.

Reminds me of an old friend who kept his girlfriend on a leash when they went to the mall. (I don't think it was a kink... she would literally wander off without it.)

 

[sampa]

Wow. That's overkill for that time frame. She'll drive him away

This is the article that I was talking about. She had been through a toxic relationship before and proposed it as a joke. It sounded like he took to it.

Aspiring lawyers?

I've heard that some people look to relationships to provide structure for their lives. Structure that they should ideally learn to provide for themselves. Boundaries are important, and it's good to communicate your expectations, but... how do I say this. If a woman I was dating served me those papers, or proposed doing something similar, I'd probably think she was joking. I might even have to stifle a laugh or two. Even if I agree with some of the points, that approach seems a little off to me.

Reminds me of an old friend who kept his girlfriend on a leash when they went to the mall. (I don't think it was a kink... she would literally wander off without it.)

I believe if I read the article right that it was the second week into their relationship that she gave that as a joke. But he actually kind of liked it and they worked on that together. I think he also made some adjustments later.

 

[sampa]

I really like this as a conversation piece for my next dating relationship. I probably will use it just to gauge where we both are on different things. It gives me a good outline. I especially like how she clarifies space, which is one of the things I've had to clarify in the past with past dates.

 

[bèlla]

This is the article that I was talking about. She had been through a toxic relationship before and proposed it as a joke. It sounded like he took to it.

You have to read between the lines. I didn’t bother but since you referenced it look at the facts. She’s using Tinder and had multiple dates each week. A platform known for its superficiality.

I don’t think most women could pull it off and the lukewarm response confirms this. He might have gone along because he liked her. She’s also a college student. You expect some inexperience. It will look different if you do the same.

 

[sampa]

You have to read between the lines. I didn’t bother but since you referenced it look at the facts. She’s using Tinder and had multiple dates each week. A platform known for its superficiality.

I don’t think most women could pull it off and the lukewarm response confirms this. He might have gone along because he liked her. She’s also a college student. You expect some inexperience. It will look different if you do the same.

Oh yes I agree. I'm not saying I would do the same. What I was saying is that it could be an interesting conversation piece. The article itself. Gauging what the other person thinks of it. Then seeing what their opinion is of the different things that are in the contract and going through a conversation from there.
The last guy that I was going on dates with in May we talked about a range of topics. And he even prepared his questions ahead of time and myself also. A mix of fun but also serious questions about what a future relationship would look like. I did the same thing with the architect/mayor. He was actually the one that led in long-term prospect questions. Even asking me how many closets I had for my clothes. But I didn't lay out all my boundaries at once. It was little by little as different things were pushed.. for example I didn't want to be texting after 8:00 p.m. as I needed my sleep since I had to get up for work early. Rethinking it though there are things that are in that contract that could be quite intimidating. It does seem like something I could have pulled off when I was younger and more inexperienced.

 

[bèlla]

But I didn't lay out all my boundaries at once.

The number one thing you’re trying to discern in early acquaintance is character. It reveals itself through behavior. Not questions. You’re looking for as-is. Not a controlled response. The best way to discover it is by doing nothing.

If you want a leader you have to let him initiate and see what he does. Piggyback off his talking points. Add related questions. Let the conversation flow. It shouldn’t feel like Q & A or interrogation on either end. Sideways questions are more polite and less pointed.

For example, must-have fun activities with your partner? Which can lead to things he didn’t do or never tried. Different approach. Insider info without discomfort.

How do you spend your holidays? Turkey, BBQ? More stories. Should include friends and family. People are generally more talkative when the topic interests them. You can learn a lot about a person through low hanging fruit. You develop familiarity that enables you to address weightier topics.

It’s a good way to guard your heart. When you tackle big things too soon you lack the foundation. You don’t know them well enough to determine if grace or parting is best. And yoy open too soon.

The characteristics game came out of a discussion. I initiated it with someone as a fun way to share the qualities we wanted in a partner. We laughed a lot. That was a different spin on a typical question.

Instead of mentioning God, see how often he does. Then chime in. If he’s not as serious he won’t say it. His approach may be different. Less formal or respectful of your desires and preferences. That allows you to gauge his spiritual leadership.

Keep in mind, most Christian men don’t expect to be single over forty. Understand the demographic you’re dealing with. They may be more tolerant but less forthcoming. That’s especially true for cradle Christians.

As for the piece, at her age it’s comical. At yours you’ll appear controlling. The expectations differ. She doesn’t know better and you’re supposed to.

Use it as a reference point for the questions and concerns you neglected to ask and write them down. But I wouldn’t share the article. They don’t know you. It could give the wrong impression. Later on you could. When you’re in a committed relationship. He won’t take it the wrong way.

 

[dzheremi]

My grandfather once told me when I was very young that if you want to see a person's true character, play cards with them. Then he would proceed to cheat very obviously, both for my amusement (I was maybe 8 years old) and to show me the mechanics of the game.

I think it's still good advice, though now that I'm an adult I must say I am disappointed by the responses I've received to the suggestion that we play cards, usually along the lines of "What are you, some kind of old man?" I mean, yeah...according to the good post above me, I only have a year left before I am in a very unexpected situation, so I'm trying to suss you out as quickly as possible.

 

[sampa]

A lot of good stuff to think on as usual

The number one thing you’re trying to discern in early acquaintance is character. It reveals itself through behavior. Not questions. You’re looking for as-is. Not a controlled response. The best way to discover it is by doing nothing.

Yes, I would agree.

If you want a leader you have to let him initiate and see what he does. Piggyback off his talking points.

Yes, I would agree. At the same time I have been told by some guys that they are glad that I initiated reaching out to them. The guy that I dated in May this year... Said he was praying many times and asking the Lord for a sign. One of those times he said was asking the Lord for a text from me. Many times in the past I have waited for them to reach out to me, but I've been learning that I have to reach out every once in awhile. It's a tricky thing to figure out when to reach out or reach back with communication. As far as talking points, the guy and I could talk for a long time but I did get bored on our dates. The last one we went on we spent an hour and a half to two hours talking about retirement. I guess that was revealing of his character. He had spent 10 years searching for where his retirement place would be in the south. The vacations he took with his ex and kids was to different place to explore where they would retire together. When we took our 2-hour hike I talked about budget things and the future of us getting together financially what it would look like. He definitely thought it was strange and made pokes about it, but it was him letting me be myself. I didn't want to hide how I am about those things. I even gave him a sticky note that if you wanted to talk to his friends and poke about it he could. I had to let him know financially where I was if we were going to continue some kind of long distance relationship since he had already voiced on more than one occasion that he was extremely interested in the future of the relationship. He said he wasn't Head over heels, but all the indications were there. Him much more than myself, I was still in the exploratory stage. But I probably wouldn't advise it for any couple cuz he said we crammed 28 weeks worth of dating into a 5 week. So I'm trying to learn from this, as there was some very important questions that I asked him but I also buffered it with about 80% of fun questions. I did the same with the architect, hence why he probably owns the boat that he does now and he has gotten into nautical things including his wedding. Nothing he was into till he met me and we explored ideas together. I can be a very creative and fun person with off the wall ideas.

Add related questions. Let the conversation flow. It shouldn’t feel like Q & A or interrogation on either end. Sideways questions are more polite and less pointed.

Yes, you're right. I will have to find that balance so that it doesn't feel like interrogation. I do think the deeper questions are important and I try to buffer them with some kind of warning before I even ask. And from there gauge what kind of questions I can ask.

For example, must-have fun activities with your partner? Which can lead to things he didn’t do or never tried. Different approach. Insider info without discomfort.

yes, I could agree. After the final day with the architect I was looking for something that could possibly be fun for us to do. He ended up reflecting on his ex while we were on the date which I think set him back and he told me he was withdrawing and that he occasionally does that. But I knew it was something more. I will continue to pray on this one and for the next in depth dating relationship.

How do you spend your holidays? Turkey, BBQ? More stories. Should include friends and family. People are generally more talkative when the topic interests them. You can learn a lot about a person through low hanging fruit. You develop familiarity that enables you to address weightier topics.

Yep these are definitely talking points that I've done with past dates. I even have a book that I've used to ask fun questions.

It’s a good way to guard your heart. When you tackle big things too soon you lack the foundation. You don’t know them well enough to determine if grace or parting is best. And yoy open too soon.

yes I agree. In general it takes a lot for me to get to the point of going on dates with somebody. I have filtered probably through 800 or more prospects through 13 dating sites within this past 2 years. Conversation wise it's probably been 30% of those that I've actually sent a message back.

Instead of mentioning God, see how often he does. Then chime in. If he’s

yes I would agree. I was glad this past May the guy that I had dated that he would talk about how he integrates study of the word with his kids at home and his service in the church. He's much closer to what I'm looking for in that area. He also laid out what he was looking for in ministry together with his future spouse.

His approach may be different. Less formal or respectful of your desires and preferences. That allows you to gauge his spiritual leadership.

yes I could have definitely agree on that one.

Keep in mind, most Christian men don’t expect to be single over forty. Understand the demographic you’re dealing with. They may be more tolerant but less forthcoming. That’s especially true for cradle Christians.

yes, as myself I never expected to be in this position. I expected at 21 years old within the next 2 years I would be married. I really thought God was going to ordain something for me.

As for the piece, at her age it’s comical. At yours you’ll appear controlling. The expectations differ. She doesn’t know better and you’re supposed to.

yes, that's a good point.

Use it as a reference point for the questions and concerns you neglected to ask and write them down. But I wouldn’t share the article.

Good advice. Thanks for these good thinking points.

 

[bèlla]

YOne of those times he said was asking the Lord for a text from me. Many times in the past I have waited for them to reach out to me, but I've been learning that I have to reach out every once in awhile. It's a tricky thing to figure out when to reach out or reach back with communication.

Once you've exchanged contact information you can initiate. You don't have to wait on them all the time.

My approach works well for men with dating and relational experience. Those with little to none may be scared, insecure, or inexperienced. They may appreciate women taking the initiative.

Be advised, they require more hand holding and patience. You'll need to adjust your expectations accordingly. There will emotional fallout. Ten or twenty years of no's will mess with your head. He'll need reassuring. Now and later.

I had to let him know financially where I was if we were going to continue some kind of long distance relationship since he had already voiced on more than one occasion that he was extremely interested in the future of the relationship.

If you're going to consider suitors outside of your vicinity they need to fund the travel or contribute. Ideally the first. Considering someone outside of his area incurs a cost. You're too old for lengthy breaks. That's for people in their twenties. Monthly is best. Bi-monthly if you must. Don't cram. You need to experience him in both settings.

I do think the deeper questions are important and I try to buffer them with some kind of warning before I even ask. And from there gauge what kind of questions I can ask.

They are. But I give him the floor. I don't want to initiate until he's ready to discuss it. Then I'm getting ahead of him. If you make him comfortable on the easy stuff the bigger things are less intimidating.

Yes I would agree. I was glad this past May the guy that I had dated that he would talk about how he integrates study of the word with his kids at home and his service in the church. He's much closer to what I'm looking for in that area. He also laid out what he was looking for in ministry together with his future spouse.

Are you still talking to him? When you say dating, do you mean a relationship or going out on dates?