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Relationship advice

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by PrincessofGod18, Apr 8, 2018.

  1. PrincessofGod18

    PrincessofGod18 New Member

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    Hi everyone:)

    So i need help and advice. Fristly i need to know if these are signs a guy likes you. And also there is a question at the bottom aswell. Please i need helpful advice.

    Last week a guy came over to the UK to help out with the church which I'm at. We got to know each other throughout the week.

    But i notice we were giving each other eye contact, when i looked at him he quickly looked away and when he looked at me i quickly looked away.

    I noticed when we in the group he kept close to me, but wouldn't talk much to me.

    When we talking one evening he kept asking questions like what i do and we pause in the conversation and he ask another question. I even noticed in the conversation he gave me look the up and down look.

    Also when we on a bus trip one day in the week he came and sat next to me when there was a sit behind me, but he was quiet.

    And when we said goodbye to each other at the end of the week he gave me a squeeze hug, it felt a couple seconds longer and saying goodbye to the others i got a light hug from the other people in the group.

    So he went back to his country and he added me on Facebook and i added a new profile pic and he liked it straight away.

    But the thing we both haven't talked on messenger yet.
    I have heard Christian's say a guy should pursue the woman first. What do i do because i like this guy.
     
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  2. Long Island Pilgrim

    Long Island Pilgrim Active Member Supporter

    268
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    Hi PrincessofGod18,

    Sounds like he may have been interested but it's really hard to say for sure. It's possible that he did find you attractive but realized that you reside far away and had no interest in persuing a long distance situation.
    I am a female and I really do think it's optimal for a Christian man to make the first move because it shows he has some sense of awareness of his masculine role. I also tend to think it's a mild red flag of boldness and a possible turn off if a woman does not wait for him to make the first move .

    I also wanted to share something that you might find helpful to keep in mind. When you are asking for advice, many people on forums may respond from personal preference of what they would like to happen if they were in the situation themselves instead of what the appropriate Christian posture is. So it may help in future posts to ask potential respondents to qualify if their advice reflects tradtional protocal or just the whim of personal preference. Because in the modern church, of course, anything goes. But history indicates a very subdued posture for women.

    But the best thing to do is pray and ask for guidance on the matter.

    God Bless.
     
    Last edited: Apr 8, 2018
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  3. HereIStand

    HereIStand Regular Member Supporter

    +3,000
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    Presbyterian
    Married
    It sounds like he likes you, but he is shy. That's fine. It's fine to let him know that you are interested in him. Hope that it works out.
     
  4. fm107

    fm107 Psalm 19:1-4 and Romans 1:20

    +76
    United Kingdom
    Protestant
    Single
    Hi,

    It sounds like he does like you but he probably needs a lot of reassurance from you that you like him. I don't think it's likely he will make the first move, he's making his intentions clear to you by the things he does and it's your turn to reciprocate.

    From what you have said, I think if you made the first move and told him you liked him, he would be really glad because he would seriously struggle to take the risk himself.

    Even if we have misread these signs, and he tells you he only likes you as a friend, it's not the end of the world, you'll just move on. At least you've taken the chance.

    Long distance relationships are hard and I would just advise that you look for God's direction as to whether this is what God has in mind for you.
     
  5. redleghunter

    redleghunter Thank You Jesus! Supporter

    +26,696
    United States
    Christian
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    Sounds like the beginning of "courting." :)

    Take it slow. First step should be to find out how his walk is with the Lord and where you stand in your walk with the Lord. Important because as Christians you both should have your eyes set on the Lord.
     
  6. PrincessofGod18

    PrincessofGod18 New Member

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    Hi yea, what makes you think he won't make the first move. Because i am shy. He must of known i felt something. It's like a chess game lol.
     
  7. PrincessofGod18

    PrincessofGod18 New Member

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    Is this how shy guys act?
     
  8. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

    +4,881
    Non-Denom
    Single
    US-Republican
    General rule: You don't know if he likes you until he asks you out. And he doesn't know if you like him until you ask him out.

    Extra considerations: He's from another country and another culture, which are going to have their own assumptions about male-female interactions. He also went back home, so anything else that happens will be long-distance. I don't know if he has dual citizenship with the UK, but if he doesn't, put your guard up. Scam relationships in order to obtain citizenship in a different country are real. My personal rule is not to get serious with a non-citizen of my own country.

    Yeah, I can see shy guys acting that way.
     
  9. Andrew77

    Andrew77 The walking accident Supporter

    +1,207
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    So generally when a woman thinks a man is interested in her, then he is. That little nudge in the back of your mind, whatever you want to call it "women's intuition", is typically right. Not always, but generally.

    Now it could be that he simply wanted a friend, and you were a friend to him while he was away.

    The real question is, is there a future here? He went back to his home country. Do you want to go live in that country? Does he want to come live in your country? How is this going to work?

    The problem isn't figuring out if he likes you. You already know he does. The problem isn't figuring out if you like him. You wouldn't be here if you didn't.

    The question is, what is the future for the both of you? How does this work? What does he want to do with his life, and what do you want to do with your life, and do those plans match?

    This is going to sound completely unromantic, but that is the mindset that you need. You need to go into this using your mind, and thinking what does the future look like? If you want to stay with your family, and he wants to go to some other place.... those are mutually exclusive goals. You can't do both, and have your marriage work.

    So my advice is.... talk with the boy. Figure this stuff out. And the one real bit of advice is that the people you really need to talk with, are the people who actually know this boy. We can give you super basic advice, but what you really need, is to figure out who this guy really is. To find that out, you need to talk to the people who actually know him.

    Last thing....

    There is this odd belief floating around in churches, that the man has to initiate the relationship. Fact is, men generally don't initiate relationships. Again, generally speaking. Don't get me wrong, they do generally pursue.

    But there is a huge difference between pursing, and initiating.

    I think the best example, is the classic love story of the entire Bible..... Ruth and Boaz. But carefully consider the story, when you read the book of Ruth, and I would encourage you to read the book.

    The women, Ruth and Naomi, setup the whole thing. They initiated the relationship. However, once Boaz knew that Ruth was interested, he then pursued her, and did so very quickly. He went to settle the estate of Naomi the very next day, and then married Ruth.

    Now of course, don't talk this boy, break into his home, uncover his feet, and then sleep by him.... let's not go crazy.

    But the point is, most of the time women initiate the contact. This is less true in the teens, but by the 20s and 30s, most men will not pursue the woman until he is relatively certain the woman is interested.

    So I would suggest you make the initial contact. Just talk. Then after you contact him, see if he pursues you. Find out if he wants more than just chit chat.

    But be real about this. How is this going to work? Are you going to go live thousands of miles from your family and friends? Is he going to find a job where you are? Be real. You need to think clearly, before you jump in and realize both of your are going in opposite directions, and this has all been a waste of time.
     
  10. PrincessofGod18

    PrincessofGod18 New Member

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    So why is it a guy won't pursue first.

    Is it because he wasn't certain. And to do with fear and rejection.

    But tbh he must of known cos the way i looked at him.

    Btw these replies are helpful.
     
  11. Sketcher

    Sketcher Born Imperishable

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    Honestly, if it were me, it would be because this is someone from another country that I wouldn't expect to see again after the week is over - if I was otherwise interested to begin with. If that wasn't going to be a consideration (i.e. I was new to the area and staying for the foreseeable future) then the issues with fear and rejection would come into play. For some of us, these are significant because life experience has taught us some very painful lessons in this area.
     
  12. jordansprings

    jordansprings New Member

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    Non-Denom
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    It could be that the guy is shy. It is not easy to know that a girl is interested in you just because she was looking at you. Just as you are not completely sure that he likes you.

    You did the right thing. You made friends with him on Facebook. It is always good to start off as friends so you can get to know him better and if you decide you really like him and the feeling is mutual, you can start from there.
     
  13. Andrew77

    Andrew77 The walking accident Supporter

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    So this is a great question, and I don't think you are going to like the answer.... because it sort of boils down to "why are men different than women?"... we just are. Why did G-d make us this way, I don't know.

    Here is the best answer I can give, and you pretty much said it.....

    Men do not handle rejection by women really well. We just don't. The average guy... 9 out of 10 times... the average guy would rather never take a shot, than take a shot and get rejected.

    It simply is what it is.

    The vast majority will never ask a woman out on a date, unless they already think they can win. And that's where you women have to do your little thing, where you make eye contact, smile, and are just tiny bit flirty with the boy, so that he believes he has a real shot.

    Because until he thinks he has a shot, he won't take the shot. This will be nearly 80% - 90% of all the men you meet. Why? Because the 10-20% of men that are completely comfortable with taking a shot, even if they get rejected..... they already found somebody, and are not looking anymore.

    And honestly, if you think about it, for thousands on thousands of years of human history, we never did relationships this way. I don't think people are designed to try and randomly bump into someone, and hope it works out.

    For thousands of generations, you had your parents try and find someone for you, and then after they determined this other person was sane, and not bonkers, and their family wasn't bonkers, then you met each other in safe environments and determined together if you were a match.

    Now, your parents just send you out into the world, and hope it works out. I just don't think people were designed that way, and men simply don't handle it well.

    I realize that isn't all that helpful because we can't change how our culture works, but that is basically the reason.

    I hope it works out for you. Sounds like a decent guy you met. Good luck. :)

    By the way... men never really change on this. They will never handle rejection by a woman very well. I'm referring to long after you are married, you should be careful about how you reply to your husband, because you can cause death to his soul. We never do handle it real well.
     
  14. PrincessofGod18

    PrincessofGod18 New Member

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    So really in this situation i need to next make the first move.

    Because do you reakon if he did like me. And i don't talk to him, then he may think i not interested.
     
  15. Andrew77

    Andrew77 The walking accident Supporter

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    Yeah pretty much. I think you should talk to the boy. Just ask him what's going on in his life, or something you two have in common.... or whatever you think of.

    But after you talk with him a bit, don't keep going after him. You step back, and see what he does once he knows you acknowledge his existence. :)

    Then you will have one of three outcomes. He won't pursue. And you know he's a dud. He's not that into you.

    He does pursue, and then you just follow that road to see where it goes.

    The last thing, is you have sort of a half-hearted response. If you don't feel like he's really pursing, but at the same time he chit-chats a little here and there.... my advice is move on. Too many girls cling to guys like that, who are not 'all in' if you get my meaning, and they just end up wasting time. They think if they just hang around him long enough "he'll come around". Don't do that. Move on.

    Could be he isn't mentally ready for a full on relationship, or he is simply too scared to make the choice, or he's just flat out indecisive.

    I don't think the guy you described is this way... but I just wanted you to know not to waste your time if he turns out that way.

    If he is ready, and he wants it, the moment you show interest he'll respond. If he turns into a limp fish, find someone else. Keep looking.

    Hope that helps :)
     
  16. tall73

    tall73 Sophia7's husband Supporter

    +2,173
    Christian
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    You have posted this in more than one place. You are obviously thinking about it a lot. If the guy lives in another country then you probably won't talk to him much unless there is something more to the relationship.

    May as well go with the direct approach. "I felt really attracted to you during your visit, and wondering if you felt the same?"

    Worst that happens is he didn't, thinks your weird, and blocks you.

    On the other hand if he did feel the same it will go forward.
     
  17. NothingIsImpossible

    NothingIsImpossible Well-Known Member

    +2,837
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    Some people are just more shy about making any sort of move first. I always was and sadly lost on many opportunities when younger. Granted its early still for you two but you could always make the first move and get an idea of how he feels. Maybe asked if he had a enjoyable time that week. If he throws you into the response then thats great. Like "I had a really enjoyable time when I was around you!".
     
  18. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's Supporter

    +5,266
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    Great advice.
     
  19. Kit Sigmon

    Kit Sigmon Well-Known Member

    +1,273
    Christian
    In Relationship
    If you be friends on FB, then send him a message.
    As for pursuing...go way back to biblical times and it was the parents arranging marriages for the most part.
     
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