Really need advice about my 18yo daughter: approaching faith issues, church attendance, etc.

[AnneFaye]

(mods, if this post should go elsewhere, pls let me know, thanks)

Greetings everyone! Bear with me, this is very long but for those up to it - I really could use some advice! I’m brand new here, and I introduced myself recently. I’m a lifelong LCMS Lutheran and have 3 young adult kids. My husband, 21yo special needs son and I all attend and are members of a LCMS church we adore (we found it last year, an answer to prayers). Our oldest son is 24, also Lutheran, but lives in another city going to graduate school. He is strong in his faith, praise God. (All 3 of our kids have been Baptized btw).


I’m writing about our precious daughter. She’s 18 and I could not have asked for a kinder, sweeter child. She’s full of love, kindness, so thoughtful, holds herself to high moral standards, serious about her studies, etc. and just the sunshine of our lives.


However (isn’t there always a however?), although every week I say “I really hope you’ll come to church with us Sunday, not pressuring you but please think about it,” she never does, and she’s always asleep when we leave (more on that later). Ditto with confirmation (which could be self-paced here). Additionally, she does not want to ever “talk religion,” it makes her very uncomfortable, so I don’t push it (or even approach it tbh), though I do know for sure (her words) she is not atheist or agnostic. I think she has her own kind of faith in God, but that’s really all I know. She’s in that all-too-familiar phase of life some of us can relate to, where she is, well, I guess putting these kinds of things on the back burner?


She attended once with us when we first went last year, and really loved it, she’s quite shy at first, but the other teens her age there were so friendly and welcoming, she said she didn’t feel awkward at all! And yet, she hasn’t come back.


Partly - maybe mainly (?) - it’s because her summer hours are atrocious. She stays up way way late into the night and sleeps most of the day. That said, she diligently makes sure she does her share of household duties, her studies, and she also has a part time job - she isn’t lazy at all. Her schedule is just flipped from what is typical. This started last year when school went online, it was a benefit to her because she’s always, always been a night owl (even as a young child). So, just tell her she "has" to go with us anyway, even though she'll be exhausted and very likely irritable, which would affect the rest of us? IDK ugh.

She will be living with us for at least a good year more (spending 1 year at a local community college starting next month, no morning classes though, ugh), making this topic very timely for me and our family.

Finally - now to where I desperately need advice and prayers. I honestly wonder if she isn’t going to church with us simply because her sleep schedule is so different, since she did love it that first time last year. I think possibly if she woke earlier she’d go with us, albeit maybe grudgingly and irritable/tired which would bother the rest of us for sure. So...do I “make” her go? It goes against my nature and I have to say, I esp don't want her to ruin our mood if she's cranky from lack of sleep.


Here’s where guilt rains down upon my head...we attended a Lutheran church all throughout her childhood but (as I explained in my intro post) the services were so overwhelmingly contemporary and loud (praise bands, Christian rock, electric guitars, large TV screens, etc.) none of us enjoyed Sunday services. We mostly just loved the fellowship opportunities and joined all of them, but started more and more skipping Sunday services because they left us feeling exhausted rather than spiritually refreshed - we started dreading it. Eventually, we just stopped going.


(Our oldest son had been confirmed by this time, and has stayed strong in his faith). Our daughter has never been confirmed, we stopped going to church right around the time this would have started. Sigh.


Because of this we went many, many years churchless. It was only last year my husband and I found a church we immediately knew we could call “home.” It’s a classic liturgical church, with an amazing congregation and warm and joyful fellowship - everything we dreamed of. Sundays are the highlight of our week!


So back to my daughter. I’m legitimately too afraid - yes, afraid - to broach the subject with her about these things bc of her current deep sensitivity (at its height right now, she gets incredibly sensitive about the smallest things - well to me at least) and not wanting to bumble around awkwardly or even worse, make her feel attacked or “bad”:

• Her faith in general. Being 18 now, I feel it would be terribly awkward for me to just start trying to discuss it with her, I know I’d talk too much, it would be like the Kool-Aid Man bursting through the wall lol, and I'd feel nervous and want to be sensitive but then, walking on eggshells too much, I’d probably end up irritated and I can’t see that going well (hard to explain).
  

• Church attendance (and confirmation): I so dearly want her to start going to church with us, and I so dearly desire for her to be confirmed. Our wonderful pastor has made it clear he will guide her through it whenever she’s ready, it can even be self-paced! (He’s already helping us with going through a modified catechism for our 21 yo who is autistic and intellectually disabled, how blessed we are!). As for "making" her: She’s very sensitive and I really don’t want her to feel like I’m pressuring her or anything like that. (so, maybe do some of you think I should just let go of/get over worrying about “pressuring” her and “just do it?” - I don’t know, and my prayers are not leaving me feeling one way or another...but prayer did lead me to post about it here...I think lol)
  

I feel like I’ve really missed the boat.


But, now what???

Guys and gals, I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place. Do any of you think I need to let go of the “fear of pressuring her” and that my husband and I should start to “require” her to attend church with us since she still lives with us? OR do any of you think we should just gently keep asking her every week to please consider joining us and continue praying for discernment? I’m praying but right now not getting ANY “feeling” of how to approach this. Sigh.


I eagerly hope for opinions, advice and prayers here!


(If any of you made it through this novella of a post, thank you. I know I’m wordy lol. And God bless you.)

 

[bèlla]

Where's God in all of this? You spoke about your wants and wishes. But she belongs to Him. Maybe He has something else in mind. Have you considered that?

I would be more concerned about my daughter having a relationship with God than following my footsteps. You're the central theme in your post. That's a problem.

~bella

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

You’ve answered your own question of where you missed the boat when you point out that it is against your own nature to do what you are questioning.

 

[RaymondG]

I say, it is your house, and you should give her advanced notice that she Will be attending service with you on Sundays from now on....unless she is paying rent....in which case, she should be free to come and go as she please.

Tell her she is going and think nothing of how she feels about it, and you feel nothing about it as well.

However, it must be noted, that this will make her leave your house, for good, sooner than she normally would....and this will not make her closer to God in any way. It will only be to satisfy your personal desires....and I find no fault in this.

 

[com7fy8]

Part of Christian faith is we are strong in Jesus so we do not get sensitive about things. But we pray and trust God > faith is not only belief and correct church tradition, but

"faith working through love" (in Galatians 5:6) >

"casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

What you do can be her example of this.

I was severely worried and socially imbalanced, and I went to plenty of traditional church. Only Jesus can give us "rest for your souls" > in Matthew 11:28-30 > and ability to relate well with various people.

You say she stays up and then is sleepy for church?

I used to stay up studying, and the next day I was fighting falling asleep while driving and in classes. And I made grades, but I now would say I should have evaluated what to invest my time in studying, and made sure I got plenty of sleep.

And what matters, then, is what is really good for her. She needs to be able to know if church is really good for her or not, and if what she is staying up to do is really good for her.

 

[angelsaroundme]

It sounds to me like she is a conscientious person who doesn't want to disappoint her parents by saying she has different views on things. By asking her to come to church she might feel like you are pressuring her to have the same opinions that you do. I'm sure you have the best intentions but you might need to have a talk with her, while first reminding her that you'll still love her no matter what she says, and find out where she stands. Assuming she disagrees on some matters, it may be small stuff, it may be more substantial. Whatever it is, remember that everything is on God's time. You've done your part by being a good example and telling her about God. The rest is up to her and God.

 

[PloverWing]

As @angelsaroundme has said, she may be going through a time of exploration and questioning that just needs to take its course. But insofar as her natural sleep schedule may be an issue: Does your church offer worship at any evening times? The Lutheran church near me, for example, offered Saturday evening services in pre-pandemic years. That might be an attractive possibility for her.

 

[AnneFaye]

Where's God in all of this? You spoke about your wants and wishes. But she belongs to Him. Maybe He has something else in mind. Have you considered that?

I would be more concerned about my daughter having a relationship with God than following my footsteps. You're the central theme in your post. That's a problem.

~bella

Ouch, I admit it stings to hear that, but I appreciate your honesty and directness, it's important - and you’re right that I’m coming from it from my POV.


Then again, that's kinda my point - I feel it IS our (my husband and I) responsibility to do what we promised God we would do on her Baptism day when these words were spoken and responded to:


Pastor: And will you place in your child’s hands, and on her heart, the Word of God and its teachings, bring her regularly to worship in God’s house, and provide for her instruction in the Christian faith, that she may know Christ, and follow Him. If so, answer, Yes, with the help of God.


My husband and I: Yes, with the help of God.


------------------


Is this no longer the case now that she’s 18? THAT is the heart of my question (sincere question, not snark - I know it’s hard to read “tones” on the internet lol). She is still under our roof and dependent on her father and I for the same things she’s always been, after all - and will be for another year at a minimum.


Her faith is God’s business, not mine. I do know that. But I’m not asking about that here - I’m seeking advice about our roles and duties as her parents, specifically on the topic of church attendance as a family, and nothing else.


I’d appreciate your feedback on these thoughts/questions!

 

[AnneFaye]

You’ve answered your own question of where you missed the boat when you point out that it is against your own nature to do what you are questioning.

But does "my own nature" align with God's? My human nature is at the crux of the problem here. I think what I'm getting at is this: she is 18. She still lives under our roof and we are responsible for her for at least another year. Does her specific age matter in this case? Is "my own nature" something I can trust? What does God's Word say about this? This is where I'm floundering and needing objective opinions other than my own, which are riddled with flawed and messy human emotions.

 

[AnneFaye]

I say, it is your house, and you should give her advanced notice that she Will be attending service with you on Sundays from now on....unless she is paying rent....in which case, she should be free to come and go as she please.

Tell her she is going and think nothing of how she feels about it, and you feel nothing about it as well.

However, it must be noted, that this will make her leave your house, for good, sooner than she normally would....and this will not make her closer to God in any way. It will only be to satisfy your personal desires....and I find no fault in this.

This is precisely my question: do my "personal desires" align with God's will regarding my role as her mother, and my husband's role as her father? My personal desires are irrelevant here, I'm well aware of that - it's much easier for me to just let it be. But is that shirking my duty? I want to know what is scripturally sound.

 

[bèlla]

Ouch, I admit it stings to hear that, but I appreciate your honesty and directness, it's important - and you’re right that I’m coming from it from my POV.

I'm sorry. But I'm glad you received it in the spirit intended.

Then again, that's kinda my point - I feel it IS our (my husband and I) responsibility to do what we promised God we would do on her Baptism day when these words were spoken and responded to:

You have a bias towards Lutheranism. I saw it immediately. That might discourage her from speaking candidly when you beam with pride. Look at your words from her perspective. You're glowing about your son's sticktuitiveness and the other. What do they share in common? Your faith.

Is this no longer the case now that she’s 18? THAT is the heart of my question (sincere question, not snark - I know it’s hard to read “tones” on the internet lol). She is still under our roof and dependent on her father and I for the same things she’s always been, after all - and will be for another year at a minimum.

I partner with the Lord on my daughter's purpose. I know her calling and she does as well. She's 30. But I can't make her walk it out. I can encourage and offer instruction on occasion. She must choose to follow.

When she was a child it was right for me to be hands-on and more involved. But adulthood is a different season. I trust my shaping. I know the foundation is solid. It may sway at times. All buildings do. But I know she's rooted.

In your shoes I'd do three things:

Commend her to God and give His word back to Him. You said, train up a child in the way they should go. And we've done that. I'm concerned Lord. I don't see visible signs You're at work. She seems flat and uninterested.

What I need most is for You to stir the waters. Like You've done before when the angel came down to the pool. I need You to make her well. So that all may know and see that You are God. And no lamb escapes Your notice.

Then I'd pray expectantly. Praising Him for who she is, what she's done, and who she's becoming in Christ. The request is in. I'd stand in its fulfillment.

Finally, I'd love her. Love covers a multitude of sins. I'd be more expressive and make it my norm for everyone. This is a period when people turn to others for input. You want to make it clear you're always there no matter what. There's nothing too bad she can't tell you.

If the topic comes up. Share how you felt when you were away. Not the hindsight you gained down the road. But where you were in the moment. The disconnection, doubts, uncertainty, fatigue, and so on. That's relatable.

Oftentimes children need to hear we've been there. We've struggled. We've made mistakes. I've done it with my daughter. It's made a world of difference.

And for yourself, ask for a fresh infilling of His peace. Your spirit is troubled. Let Him comfort and restore you.

~bella

 

[AnneFaye]

Part of Christian faith is we are strong in Jesus so we do not get sensitive about things. But we pray and trust God > faith is not only belief and correct church tradition, but

"faith working through love" (in Galatians 5:6) >

"casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you." (1 Peter 5:7)

What you do can be her example of this.

I was severely worried and socially imbalanced, and I went to plenty of traditional church. Only Jesus can give us "rest for your souls" > in Matthew 11:28-30 > and ability to relate well with various people.

You say she stays up and then is sleepy for church?

I used to stay up studying, and the next day I was fighting falling asleep while driving and in classes. And I made grades, but I now would say I should have evaluated what to invest my time in studying, and made sure I got plenty of sleep.

And what matters, then, is what is really good for her. She needs to be able to know if church is really good for her or not, and if what she is staying up to do is really good fro her.

Lots of excellent food for thought here - and I especially appreciate all of the Scripture you included! That helps me focus, gives me direction, and specifics to pray about. I'm seeking to follow God's will, not mine. As teens grow older, our parental roles naturally shift - depending on the situation - so getting objective opinions from other Christians so valuable!

Another thing making this confusing is that my husband and I never had to wonder about this with our oldest child which is why we feel, well, so unsure and awkward now? He has always loved talking about God and matters of faith with us, bouncing ideas off each other, engaging in good natured, friendly theological debate - he's not at all quiet and private about this like his sister is - they are total opposites, and I cherish that about them! But it makes all this totally uncharted territory for their father and me. (I am not at all saying my oldest child's way is "better" - God created him that way and he created my daughter the way she is. He knew what he was doing lol.).

I'm getting such great feedback to ponder here from you and others, lots to pray about - and I'm very grateful for that.

Thank you so much again for sharing your thoughts, opinions and Scripture!

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

But does "my own nature" align with God's? My human nature is at the crux of the problem here. I think what I'm getting at is this: she is 18. She still lives under our roof and we are responsible for her for at least another year. Does her specific age matter in this case? Is "my own nature" something I can trust? What does God's Word say about this? This is where I'm floundering and needing objective opinions other than my own, which are riddled with flawed and messy human emotions.

If you are a Christian and have been as long as you say yet are still in the old nature, you have the problem not her. I merely pointed to that which you posted. Your standing as a Christian is not for me to judge and is in fact against the rules of this forum.

 

[AnneFaye]

It sounds to me like she is a conscientious person who doesn't want to disappoint her parents by saying she has different views on things. By asking her to come to church she might feel like you are pressuring her to have the same opinions that you do. I'm sure you have the best intentions but you might need to have a talk with her, while first reminding her that you'll still love her no matter what she says, and find out where she stands. Assuming she disagrees on some matters, it may be small stuff, it may be more substantial. Whatever it is, remember that everything is on God's time. You've done your part by being a good example and telling her about God. The rest is up to her and God.

This is why we've never pushed her, just the gentle albeit awkward "hey we'd love for you to join us! up to you!" I've also told her many times throughout the years that I'll never push my faith on her, and I stand by that 100 percent. That comes from hard personal experience - I went to a Baptist church school for a few years, and man that scarred me. The Baptists scared me to death, the pressure and fear tactics were intense and backfired, the consequences lasted for years. I've openly shared about this many times with my kids - so rest assured, she/they all know my love would never hinge on church attendance.

Thing is, I have never felt that kind of uncomfortable pushy pressure in a Lutheran setting, and going to church was definitely a "rule" when I grew up - only because it was a weekly family tradition, not about a "rule" that I had to be religious - hope that makes sense?

The catalyst that sparked my second guessing my casual "no pressure" stance was quite simple really: decluttering our house, lol - seriously!

I was sorting through all our boxes of memorabilia and came cross our children's Baptism certificates, and this sharp pang shot right into my heart, this sinking feeling that I totally and completely failed her in my duty to "bring her up the way she should go," if you will.

So that led to a serious second guessing of myself, and since I don't trust myself and human feelings at all with this, I wanted others' objective, outside opinions.

Your message rings so true, I really appreciate your thoughts on it all, thank you!

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

Being a Christian ... and coming from the p.o.v. of the spiritual aspect of living in the world but not aligned to it, having cast off the yokes of slavery , then your example in everything you say and do will speak more to her about her future than natural words could ever accomplish. My kids hated Christianity because of what affect they saw it as angry for the most part. I’m sure that was me rubbing off on them. I know they are all saved because of what they have said abut their experiences but no way would they go into a church. That’s probably the other side of the pendulum, but they now are very involved in counselling and cognitive activities as adults. You can only trust her heart to God and leave it there. If it’s your nature to say are you coming to church with us a 1/2 hr before leaving then she’ll just have to listen to that.

 

[AnneFaye]

FYI everyone I messed up the quote function, on a learning curve lol - I put my responses in bold italics to hopefully help! You'll need to expand the box with Bella's quotes to see my full responses - oops.

I'm sorry. But I'm glad you received it in the spirit intended.

Please do not apologize! I didn't come here to get validation for my personal feelings. I actively and sincerely desire objective opinions, and I am grateful for yours.

You have a bias towards Lutheranism. I saw it immediately. That might discourage her from speaking candidly when you beam with pride. Look at your words from her perspective. You're glowing about your son's sticktuitiveness and the other. What do they share in common? Your faith.

Guilty as charged! I absolutely have a bias towards Lutheranism lol! THANK you for reminding me of this! It didn't enter my thoughts at all here.

I shared in another response but it bears repeating as a response to your input: I am a cradle to (now 50yo) LCMS Lutheran. But attended a private Baptist school for many years growing up, and, well - they absolutely terrified me! I definitely felt intense pressure and threats of hell if I didn't believe and do this and that. It backfired tremendously to put it mildly.

And, I mentioned this in another post as well, I've just never felt that negative, fear-based, guilt-induced pressure in a Lutheran setting, not once. Which is why I feel so comfortable, peaceful and at home there.

THAT SAID - I was recently decluttering, came across my children's Baptism certificates and materials, and the guilt came flooding in. How very ironic lol!

So you nailed it! Something that never occurred to me, yikes! I admit I'm beyond biased, and I'm really glad you brought it up! That requires serious self-reflection and prayer on my part.

Talk about a HUGE blind spot and wow did I need to see that!

In your shoes I'd do three things:

Commend her to God and give His word back to Him. You said, train up a child in the way they should go. And we've done that. I'm concerned Lord. I don't see visible signs You're at work. She seems flat and uninterested.

What I need most is for You to stir the waters. Like You've done before when the angel came down to the pool. I need You to make her well. So that all may know and see that You are God. And no lamb escapes Your notice.

Then I'd pray expectantly. Praising Him for who she is, what she's done, and who she's becoming in Christ. The request is in. I'd stand in its fulfillment.


This is absolutely beautiful. It stirs my heart and those words of prayer just feel so right, so apt for this situation. Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.


Finally, I'd love her. Love covers a multitude of sins. I'd be more expressive and make it my norm for everyone. This is a period when people turn to others for input. You want to make it clear you're always there no matter what. There's nothing too bad she can't tell you.

Oh I'm going to humblebrag here - we absolutely have that in spades, on every topic BUT religion (again, because of the horrid experience I had at the Baptist school, and my vow to never do that to my children). We are incredibly close and while she's a private person, our bond is tight and she shares her heart with me. She feels safe with me and has said so often, I never had that with my mom. Also, in my family we are very expressive and verbal with our affection, praise and love. I can confidently say our kids feel emotionally very safe with their dad and I. We just don't bring up religion other than the "hey we'd love you to join us" lol.

THAT SAID, clearly the whole faith thing is a glaring exception... your points about my strong Lutheran bias and experience with my oldest was a powerful message I really needed to hear. She of course hears about my faith a lot because it's the cornerstone of my life. I never considered that my bias could send a harmful message that would make her - while comfortable discussing everything else under the sun - quite hesitant and maybe even afraid to broach the whole church and faith topic with me.

I so needed to hear that. Seems I have some lessons in humility to work on and I'm so grateful for your willingness to call a spade a spade.

If the topic comes up. Share how you felt when you were away. Not the hindsight you gained down the road. But where you were in the moment. The disconnection, doubts, uncertainty, fatigue, and so on. That's relatable.

Excellent points. I gotta remember what it felt like at her age (breaking free from the Baptist nightmare experience to go to college and years of shedding their flavor of fear and guilt - a far, far cry from where I am now, obviously - the journey has been long and treacherous).

Oftentimes children need to hear we've been there. We've struggled. We've made mistakes. I've done it with my daughter. It's made a world of difference.

Hoo boy I've made a ton of them. As has my husband - us being human and all lol. We've both been very open about that with them (consequence of parents that never did that for us). Doesn't make the mistakes okay at all, but it's important to really own them, I agree.

And for yourself, ask for a fresh infilling of His peace. Your spirit is troubled. Let Him comfort and restore you.

~bella

What a gentle and kind way to wrap up your very thought-provoking post filled with wisdom and real-life applicable advice I sorely needed. A soothing balm. I've clearly been high strung about it all and I needed this. Thank you and God bless you!

 

[bèlla]

FYI everyone I messed up the quote function, on a learning curve lol - I put my responses in bold italics to hopefully help! You'll need to expand the box with Bella's quotes to see my full responses - oops.

Edit the post and see if you're missing an end [/quote] or have an extra one. Make sure the end tags aren't italicized.

Before I respond, I want to make two things clear for your edification. I take no credit for my insight. This is God's doing. I don't post in this area. I'm not a Lutheran. But I saw your OP and felt compelled to respond. We're His hands and feet. If anything I've said blessed you I'm pleased. To God be the glory.

So you nailed it! Something that never occurred to me, yikes! I admit I'm beyond biased, and I'm really glad you brought it up! That requires serious self-reflection and prayer on my part.

That's what stood out the first time I read it. I didn't mention it because of the other comment. That had to come first. It wasn't about you per se, but your love of the faith.

This is absolutely beautiful. It stirs my heart and those words of prayer just feel so right, so apt for this situation. Thank you, thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

Thank you. I was saying it aloud as I wrote it. It's a mother's prayer. I felt it too.

She of course hears about my faith a lot because it's the cornerstone of my life. I never considered that my bias could send a harmful message that would make her - while comfortable discussing everything else under the sun - quite hesitant and maybe even afraid to broach the whole church and faith topic with me.

If it would disappoint you she might keep it to herself. That doesn't mean she's lacking interest in God. But she may be concerned if her connection to Lutheranism differs. She's the odd one out.

I'd handle it subtly when you're all together so every one hears. Give thanks that your children love the Lord. Whether they're Lutherans or walk another path. You're pleased because they're in His hands. No one will carry the expectation it must be so. And it may bring her peace.

Excellent points. I gotta remember what it felt like at her age (breaking free from the Baptist nightmare experience to go to college and years of shedding their flavor of fear and guilt - a far, far cry from where I am now, obviously - the journey has been long and treacherous).

This is period when you're discovering yourself. You've had a lot of influences. Some good and bad. You're old enough to scrutinize them objectively. That's when it begins. It's wonderful. She'll tune into His frequency.

What a gentle and kind way to wrap up your very thought-provoking post filled with wisdom and real-life applicable advice I sorely needed. A soothing balm. I've clearly been high strung about it all and I needed this. Thank you and God bless you!

This is a wonderful testament to God's faithfulness. Look at the baptismal record in light of today. He's right beside you.

May Adonai bless and keep you.
May He make His face shine upon you and give you His favor.
May Adonai lift up His face toward you and give you peace.

~bella

 

[Citizen of the Kingdom]

For conversation with her perhaps find the wordage or jargon that she uses for similar subjects. Councillors use buzz words to connect often and bring a common ground for discussion. In listening you may find that she brings up topics that you would explain differently. You may be surprised at how much you can speak with her about God that is in her consciousness as well to speak about. Find the heart language and allow the fruits of the Spirit to work ...

 

[com7fy8]

Is this no longer the case now that she’s 18? THAT is the heart of my question (sincere question, not snark - I know it’s hard to read “tones” on the internet lol). She is still under our roof and dependent on her father and I for the same things she’s always been, after all - and will be for another year at a minimum.

For people who agree to obey Jesus, my opinion is we all are accountable to one another. But we do this how this honors Jesus > as unto the Lord Jesus.

So, no we do not nose around and impose ourselves, but >

"submitting to one another in the fear of God." (Ephesians 5:21)

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

So, if she is not interested in being communicative and submissive and accountable with you . . . well, we don't know why, I would say. How does she feel about God and the Bible? How does she feel specifically about the church where you are? How does she feel about you and your husband?

I have been through suffering in doubt about myself and God and where I would spend eternity. And I could be ashamed, even afraid and too hurt to talk with people I felt were kind and trustworthy people. I think I remember times when I would meet people I thought could be genuinely Christian people, and I could see I had not been treating people like they treated me with compassion. I could even tell they knew I was in trouble, and they simply were kind with me and I am sure prayed for me.

So, she could be troubled, and that could be very scary, not helping her to know what to do, to say the least. If she would, she needs to speak for herself about what's really going on with her, except she might not understand.

So, you have done what you could, while bringing her up. Now you have the adventure of going on and discovering how you develop. If you trust Jesus and get more and more correction and maturing with God, then you could look back and consider how you did things with her to be out-of-date

Because with God, we always keep growing and maturing to more and better . . . no matter what is going on around us, and no matter how we get older.

So, you are concerned about how you are relating with her. But how have you and your husband seen Christian relating? I mean how have you been feeding on what God's word says for you two to relate with one another and anyone else?

I mean things like Ephesians 5:21 which I personally understand to mean God wants mutual submission . . . of ones capable of this. And I think Jesus means for us to be accountable to one another . . . making sure this is mutual and prayerful. Do you agree with this, and have you shown this to your daughter? What example have you developed with your husband and shown your daughter, to help her prepare for Christian marriage?

And there is,

"Do all things without complaining and disputing," (Philippians 2:14)

I see this now to mean that arguing and complaining can be forbidden . . . the same as adultery and stealing. I mean, there is arguing and complaining which God considers to be anti-love . . . not faithful to Jesus. And as we get sensitive and strong and prayerful enough to not give in to the wrong ways of arguing and complaining, we become strong in God's way of loving as His family > including >

"with all lowliness and gentleness, with longsuffering, bearing with one another in love," (Ephesians 4:2)

Note, though, that "longsuffering" is needed . . . indeed I see how our Father knows that as we relate closely as His family, we will discover things about each other, even about our mentors and honored and admired role models and most special friends; and then is when we will need that "longsuffering" ready so we do not just trash good friends and give up on Jesus Christ's people whom we are really getting to know.

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you." (Ephesians 4:31-32)

Has her church schooling taught her about scriptures like this?

Her faith is God’s business, not mine. I do know that. But I’m not asking about that here - I’m seeking advice about our roles and duties as her parents, specifically on the topic of church attendance as a family, and nothing else.

Before, perhaps, you parents get into attending on Sunday, may be you need to talk about and pray about how to be in church attendance during the week, by being God's church at home. So, therefore, I ask how have you two been relating and feeding this to her?

I’d appreciate your feedback on these thoughts/questions!

God bless us together to share honestly and honorably here.

And, like I offer, while you were bringing her up, you were not likely super-mature Christians, then. And now, then, some amount of how you used to train her could/should be seen as out-of-date.

And this is why we need our senior mature Christian couples to feed us their example and wisdom . . . to us and our children and other younger ones in Jesus. Even a young seminary prepared pastor is no substitute for a mature senior couple or senior mature single person in the Lord.

And I do not mean grandmas and grandaddies who are so smily-faced and can talk smart. I mean ones who have proven themselves in how they help younger couples to learn how to do in their marriages and bringing up their children, and they also help youths to get real correction and maturity and strength in Jesus. People feed off of their example >

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

Younger ministers might be good speakers and can make things happen, in church administration and even in interventions, but mature seniors can minister example of how to be and love like Jesus, and how to relate in marriage and other intimate sharing. But God does use His younger people, but ones need to not neglect how God does keep using His mature seniors.

Does her specific age matter in this case? Is "my own nature" something I can trust? What does God's Word say about this? This is where I'm floundering and needing objective opinions other than my own, which are riddled with flawed and messy human emotions.

And your husband, during all this . . . has been saying . . . what? I offer that God gave you your husband; so pray attentively about whatsoever he says. B-u-u-u-t >

"Test all things; hold fast what is good." (1 Thessalonians 5:21)

So, yes, then, also > do test and evaluate about yourself. But please be encouraged that whatever God has for you, He will encourage you - - even when He says what means need for major correction. One thing is that whatsoever He has you see you need . . . He is the One to do this with you . . . guaranteed to succeed, then, since it will be about all He is able to do. Trust Him, then, to make you honest and obedient so you can so benefit.

I especially appreciate all of the Scripture you included! That helps me focus, gives me direction, and specifics to pray about.

Any scripture can be used by God to help you with this. I have offered only a few maybe ones more direct.

Have you read and fed through what happened to Joseph? Genesis 37-50

And how about 1 Samuel 30? how David handled a horrible situation, even bringing things to where people with him would relate as family while taking care of things.

And we see how Abigail stood up to David when he was so wrong, and he so benefited from her > 1 Samuel 25.

As much as God blesses, I would say share with your husband in various scriptures, and apply them to you two being perfected in Jesus plus applying God's word to how you can be ready to help your daughter. Be encouraged that God is able to make you two more mature, so you are more ready to be good for her. And as you grow in Jesus together, God will have you helping various people. It may be your daughter will discover others who help her; but you can adopt whomever comes your way

getting objective opinions from other Christians so valuable!

Well-l-l-l-l . . . we all are growing in more than just knowing, right? And things can get out-of-date as being what was not so objective, after all.

"'Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.'" (in Matthew 11:28-30)

 

[AnneFaye]

If you are a Christian and have been as long as you say yet are still in the old nature, you have the problem not her. I merely pointed to that which you posted. Your standing as a Christian is not for me to judge and is in fact against the rules of this forum.

I wholeheartedly agree that I'm the problem.