Quote and whatever Game (Heaps bonus) (2)

[AmazonPanther]

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks but nothing happened. Then he decided to write GOD a letter requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to GOD USA, they decided to send it to President Bush. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. President Bush thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note to GOD, which read: Dear GOD, Thank you very much for sending the money but, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C. and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.00…

 

[AmazonPanther]

“Accomplishing the impossible only means that the boss will add it to your regular duties.” -Marlar

 

[AmazonPanther]

"I have good news and bad news," the defense attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."

"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholesterol is only 180."

 

[AmazonPanther]

Stunt City Video

 

[AmazonPanther]

“Today's parenting tip. Remember, if you're playing catch with your children, don't throw them too high.” –Marlar

 

[AmazonPanther]

Two friends went out to play golf and were about to tee off, when one fellow noticed that his partner Morris had only one golf ball.

"Don't you have at least one other golf ball?" he asked.

Morris replied that he only needed one.

"Are you sure?" the friend persisted. "What happens if you lose that ball?"

Morris said with disdain, "This is a very special golf ball. I won't lose it so I don't need another one."

"Well," the friend asked, "what happens if you miss your shot and the ball goes in the lake?"

"That's okay," he replied, "this special golf ball floats. I'll be able to retrieve it."

"Well what happens if you hit it into the trees and it gets lost among the bushes and shrubs?

Morris, annoyed, replied , "That's okay too. You see, this special golf ball has a homing beacon. I'll be able to get it back -- no problem."

Exasperated, the friend asks, "Okay. Let's say our game goes late, the sun goes down, and you hit your ball into a sand trap. What are you going to do then?"

"No problem," says Morris, "You see, this ball is florescent. I'll be able to see it in the dark."

Finally satisfied that he needs only the one golf ball, the friend asks, "Hey, where did you get a golf ball like that anyway?"

Morris says, .. "I found it."

 

[AmazonPanther]

“If I could get all the people in my life who have ever done mean things to me in one room, I wouldn't go in there because, man, those are some mean people!” --LeMel Hebert-Williams

 

[AmazonPanther]

Backyard Games

 

[rnrmachine]

 

[sparassidae]

Picturesque. That was a new word to Rincewind the wizard. It was one of a number he had picked up since leaving the charred ruins of Ankh Morpork. Quaint was another one. Picturesque meant- he decided after careful observation of the scenery that inspired Twoflower to use the word- that the landscape was horribly precipitous. Quaint, when used to describe the occasional village through which they passed, meant fever-ridden and tumbledown. Twoflower was a tourist, the first ever seen on the discworld. Tourist, Rincewind decided, meant 'idiot'.

Terry Pratchett, The Colour of Magic

 

[AmazonPanther]

“If I had a nickel for every time I changed my mind... no, wait... make that two nickels...” -Marlar

 

[KingofKings316]

"The world is too big, even for me." Genghis Khan

 

[AmazonPanther]

Two snakes were out taking a stroll when the son snake turns to the mother snake and asks: "Mommy! Are we poisonous?"
"Why, yes we are", says the second.
Again the baby snake asks, "Are you sure we're poisonous?"
"Yes, we are very poisonous."
The baby snake becomes very upset. Again, he asks, "Are we really really poisonous?"
"Yes we are really really poisonous. In fact we're the most poisonous snakes in the world. Why do you ask?"
"I just bit my lip!!!"

 

[KingofKings316]

" You die in blood!" -Oddyseus to the suitors inthe Oddyssey

 

[KingofKings316]

" the only thing we have to fear is fear itself."(something like that)

 

[AmazonPanther]

"My brother had a hamster. He took it to the vet -- it's like bringing a disposable lighter in for repairs." --Wayne Cotter

 

[AmazonPanther]

“Once, I was lost in the wilderness, and I was forced to eat a dog to survive! Later I realized I was just in the back yard, but boy, was my mom mad!” --C. Rostan

 

[AmazonPanther]

The new father was left with the baby all day while mom went shopping for some unmaternity clothes. When she returned she went to check on the baby. The smell was overpowering. She found the disposable diaper full and leaking. She was furious!

She confronted her husband, "Didn't you bother to check the baby's diaper all day?"

The new dad responded, "Well, the box says it's good for up to eight pounds!"

 

[AmazonPanther]

One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear replied, "Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"
The father polar bear replies, "Son, I'm 100% polar bear, your mother is 100% polar bear, so you are definitely 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear AGAIN turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I gotta know -- am I 100% polar bear?"
The father polar bear was distressed by this continued questioning and asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"
"Because I'm freezing!"

 

[AmazonPanther]

Laughing Yoga