Quote and whatever Game (Heaps bonus) (2)

[AmazonPanther]

"In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today." (Russell Beland, Springfield)

 

[AmazonPanther]

"In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads." (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

 

[AmazonPanther]

"My Uncle Pat, he reads the obituaries in the paper every morning. And he can't understand how people always die in alphabetical order." --Hal Roach

 

[AmazonPanther]

LENO: Paris Hilton got 45 days in jail. A lot of people were upset about this; they were hoping for the death penalty.

 

[AmazonPanther]

On this day in 1961 Federal Communications Commission Chairman Newton Minow challenged network TV executives to sit through an entire day of their own programming. Minow suggested they would observe a "vast wasteland." ***MARLAR: Ah yes, the more things change, the more they stay the same.

 

[AmazonPanther]

A little boy came home excitedly from kindergarten with a blue ribbon. When his mommy asked him "What is the blue ribbon for?" he proudly announced, "I won!"

When pressed for details he simply said, "The teacher asked all of us to guess how many legs a cow has. When my turn came, I guessed FIVE."

"Five???" his mother gasped, "but a cow only has FOUR legs. How do you get a blue ribbon for guessing five?"

"I won because my guess was the closest."

 

[AmazonPanther]

"If law school is so hard to get through... how come there are so many lawyers?" --Calvin Trillin

 

[AmazonPanther]

THINGS MOMS SAY
• If you keep making that face, it'll stick.
• You have to wait an hour before you get back in the pool because you'll get a cramp, that's why.
• Yes. We're almost there.
• Don't chew with your mouth open.
• Don't talk with your mouth full.
• No. You can't have that [fill in the blank]. It'll spoil your dinner.
• I don't care what [fill in the blank]'s mother says.
• Don't put that in your mouth. You don't know where it's been.
• Because those vegetables are good for you ... and the children in Ethiopia are starving.
• Just because everyone else is doing it doesn't mean you have to. If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?"

 

[AmazonPanther]

"It's a popular delusion that the government wastes vast amounts of money through inefficiency and sloth. Enormous effort and elaborate plans are required to waste this much money." --P. J. O'Rourke

 

[AmazonPanther]

A police officer pulled a woman over for driving erratically. She explained, "I was driving down the road, when all of a sudden a tree appeared right in the middle of the road. I swerved sharply to the right, but there was another tree. I turned to the left, and another tree appeared. No matter if I turned left or right, trees magically appeared in the road."

Shaking his head the officer said, "Ma'am, that's your air freshener."

 

[AmazonPanther]

YOUR MOM HAS TAUGHT YOU MORE THAN YOU MIGHT REALIZE! DON'T BELIEVE ME? THEN LISTEN UP!

Well, if your mother was anything like mine, you learned just about everything you'll need to know in life from HER! Let me give you a few examples of what I learned while growing up
• My Mother taught me LOGIC... "If you fall off that swing and break your neck, you can't go to the store with me."
• My Mother taught me MEDICINE... "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they're going to freeze that way."
• My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD... "If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job!"
• My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE... "What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you...Don't talk back to me!"
• My Mother taught me HUMOR... "When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
• My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT... "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.
• My mother taught me about GENETICS... "You are just like your father!"
• My mother taught me about my ROOTS... "Do you think you were born in a barn?"
• My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE... "When you get to be my age, you will understand."
• My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION... "Just wait until your father gets home."
• My mother taught me about RECEIVING... “You are going to get it when we get home. “
• My mother taught me about JUSTICE "one day you will have kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you'll see what it's like."

 

[AmazonPanther]

“The difference between perseverance and obstinacy is that one often comes from a strong will, and the other from a strong won't.” - Henry Ward Beecher

 

[AmazonPanther]

A man is at Grand Central Station waiting for his train that leaves at 6 p.m., but he has forgotten his watch. So he looks for someone to ask the time. He spots a guy carrying two suitcases and sporting this fabulous hi-tech watch, so he asks him for the time. The guy replies "Sure, which country?"

The fella asks, "How many countries have you got?"

To which the man replies, "All the countries in the world!"

"Wow! That's a pretty cool watch you've got there."

"That's nothing," the man says. "This watch also has a GPS, fax, e-mail and can even receive NTSC television channels and display them on its miniature active color pixel LCD screen!"

"Boy, that's incredible. I wish I had a watch like that one. You wouldn't consider selling it by any chance?"

"Well, actually the novelty has worn off for me, so for $900, if you want it, it's yours."

The watchless traveler can hardly whip out his checkbook fast enough to hand over a check for $900. The seller takes off the watch and gives it to him. "Congratulations, here is you new hi-tech watch." Then, handing the two suitcases over as well, he says, "And here are the batteries."

 

[AmazonPanther]

“Scientist report that nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check. “ -Marlar

 

[AmazonPanther]

The school of agriculture's dean of admissions was interviewing a prospective student, "Why have you chosen this career?" he asked.

"I dream of making a million dollars in farming, like my father," the student replied.

"Wow! Your father made a million dollars in farming?" echoed the dean, much impressed.

"No," replied the applicant. "But he always dreamed of it."

 

[AmazonPanther]

“There's a big ruckus going on in our front office. Something about the boss bringing in a fingerprint expert to examine the contents of the suggestion box.” -Marlar

 

[AmazonPanther]

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York, four pastors went out for some time on the golf course. After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked,

"You guys wouldn't be preachers by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one pastor replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf played with such clean language!"

 

[AmazonPanther]

Yeah Toast http://www.comedyhome.com/index.cfm?fa=viewCartoon&CartoonID=1

 

[AmazonPanther]

"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." --Orson Welles

 

[AmazonPanther]

“They should make a pre-pre-pre-pre-prequel to "Star Wars" and have it take place in the 90's. It would clear up a lot of the confusion, and it'd be cool to see Brian Skywalker, M.C. Yoda and Darth Jennifer.” --Pete Thompson