question about autogynephilia

[lutherangerman]

Hello,

I am a 35 year old man from Germany. I have a girlfriend that is in Heaven and I love her much and I believe we will meet again when I die, and I stay alone because I don't need another woman.

I am not sure about my past before 2001 although I have a few memories, but I think I am not completely sure about my gender, I think sometimes that I am a kind of transsexual that doesn't mind living as a man, ie I don't suffer genuine gender dysphoria like other transsexuals experience it.

But in my past I have sometimes cross dressed, and for 2 years I did it a real lot. I also masturbated much about being a woman and having sex with other women or men. My girlfriend was still here on Earth back then and while she was tolerant she didn't like it much. And I know she still wants me as a man and not as a woman. I could ask her to tolerate it if I wanted to cross dress but I don't want to do it.

I am not sure how well I can get that across, but seriously and sincerely, from my spirit and soul, I don't want to cross dress or have autogynephilic fantasies. I remember some things from my childhood and youth, for example, that I was heterosexual and never had romantic feelings for men and didn't want to be a girl when I was a kid. I was never very male-ish in that I didn't care about soccer or cars. I was a bit of an autist.

However, I remember a time when I was 13 or 14 when I had strange fantasies sometimes. I read books about aliens and fantasized that I would turn into an alien. I read superhero and monster comics and dreamt about being such a hero or morphing into one of the monsters. And then came the autogynephilia, ie I dressed up in dresses and lingeries that belonged to my sister.

The problem really is that the feelings that I have when I engage in autogynephilia, help me cope with life and the reality that I have to live in. It feels like I can release anything then. I haven't crossdressed for more than 12 years, but just thinking about it gives me a strong rush of feelings that seem rather feminine. Between 2008 and 2011 I had quitted all kinds of autogynephilic masturbation and porn watching, and had no problem with these things anymore. Then I started again because I felt harsh desire for it growing in me. My life is not easy as I have only few friends and severe mental and spiritual issues. So I suppose the autogynie desires are there because I crave strong feelings to distract me from my problems.

But honestly and sincerely and seriously, I don't want to have this autogynephilia anymore. In my personal theology, to have this is not a sin against God because I take the bible metaphorically and symbolically in many places. But I feel bad about the whole thing because it's really a greed somehow, a matter that assaults my authenticity, a thing that distances me from my manhood that I would love to embrace but often can't very well. I have proof for this in that I know that when I touch about this, I feel really sick of it all afterwards. I relish in the fantasies but then they disturb me so much. I don't feel guilt or conviction from God about this, like I would do about real adultery or theft or murder. But I feel bad because I'd rather be the simple man that I was in my youth, or the boy that I was in my childhood.

Please enlighten me and tell me how I can combat this matter better. It still visits me and I feel bad about it and hate it, but it irritates me so much. I can resist the pull to touch but sometimes when I am weak it makes me feel awful. I wish I could combat this issue for good.

Please say a prayer about this too. Thank you.

 

[WPDP]

You sound like a normal, heterosexual male with a simple cross-dressing fetish. Autogynephilia is a condition when you are in love with yourself as a woman. Typically in autogynephilia you would create a female alter-ego, give "her" a feminine name, and masturbating to fantasies of yourself as a female.

In your case you stopped cross-dressing years ago but still harbor fantasies of cross-dressing. Approximately 3-5% of the male population has this fetish. When you fantasize about cross-dressing your brain interprets as actual contact with a female and releases dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin and other neurotransmitters. These neurotransmitters produce sensations of well-being, pleasure, sexual gratification and bonding. It affects the reward centers of your brain, instant gratification, and thus it mimics the addiction response. You cannot stop your brain from releasing neurotransmitters but you can keep this fetish under control.

Technically you just love the sensations from the neurotransmitters and you are using these fantasies to get your brain to release them. (A similar response if found in people with pornography addictions.) It is not a good thing and it can adversely affect your sex life and future relationships.

My advice to you is to stop blaming yourself. Accept God's forgiveness. Stop fantasizing about feminizing yourself. Instead be a male hero. Women need a good men. Women need a man to hold them and love them. Women need a man who will love, protect and respect them. They need to love a man they can respect and honor.

Men are the heroes of our society. They fix things. They protect the weak. They defend our values. They see the big picture, and help us achieve our dreams. You are that man.

A good husband is one who loves, protects and respects his wife. Love comes in five languages; words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Protection is given by physical protection, financial protection, and mental protection. And respect, the most difficult part of being a husband. It requires, communication, understanding and sharing in his wife's life values. Values include; faith, family, friends, money, etc.. Whatever is important to the wife must be supported by the husband. Then magic happens, and you are a hero.